I don’t believe in god.
But sometimes I think of the universe, however vast it may be.
And I ask it for forgiveness.
Hoping that something will hear me.
I sit on the brown couch of a big room.
I am surrounded by bright yellow walls.
Yellow is the color of sunshine,
Yet I feel only black shadows looming over me.
Outside there are people walking the streets,
All dressed in orange, blue, and black.
Light and dark are constantly arguing.
I hear shouting, pounding on the pavement, the winter jacket material rubbing together as people walk.
I see the lights.
Red, White, Blue, Yellow.
All at once it stops.
The noise is gone.
The lights stop shining.
Everyone is gone,
Yet the air remains red with anger and fear.
The next morning, people ask how I can sense these shadows,
When there are people more afraid than me who cannot.
They wonder how someone with yellow walls could understand.
But white and black do not care.
They lighten and deepen at will.
Even the most vibrant cannot stay that way forever.
Once when I was younger I went to the lake with my family.
At one point I was on top of a cliff overlooking the water.
I stared into the dark blue hole below me.
I wondered how deep it would be.
Does it end? Are there rocks? What creatures lie below?
I considered jumping. It scared the hell out of me.
I am someone who really does not like the unknown.
But I love flying. Feeling weightless. Free.
Was this going to be worth it?
For those few seconds I felt like a feather gliding through the air.
Although I awaited the crash.
The moment when I would hit the water and feel it.
Either I would feel pain or a slow of time.
It's funny though.
It was as if none of that even happened.
I just woke up.
I was suddenly looking at the sky.
I felt numb at first.
Next I felt the air knocked out of my body.
I felt like I was suffocating.
I floated to the shore.
As I began to feel okay again, I looked up at the cliff.
It doesn't look as far down as it felt in that moment.
I wonder if it was worth it.
Was the unknown worth the pain?
Was it worth the weightless feel?
Would I do it again?
It starts off as crying this time.
You think you’re just crying.
My chest feels heavy and my throat is tightening.
My mind is racing and I keep repeating:
“It’s too late. It’s too late. It’s too late.”
“You can’t stop it. You can’t stop it. You can’t stop it.”
All of a sudden I can’t breath.
I feel like someone is punching my head while they sit on my chest, choking me.
I didn’t know my eyes could leak this much.
It’s happening again.
I’m having a panic attack.
It’s as if all the people around me become invisible.
I can’t hear them anymore.
My head is pounding so hard it hurts.
I sit down.
I ride it out.
I try to slow my breathing.
I keep having little flare ups.
I eventually stop.
I feel numb.
My head hurts.
My face hurts.
My back and ribs hurt.
I feel dry.
My legs and arms won’t stop shaking.
I try to sleep.
It’s as if my body wants to rest but my mind won’t let it.
I finally fall asleep.
I wake up.
I still feel horrible.
I forget what happened for a moment before it all comes rushing back again.
I don’t want to move anymore.
I feel numb again.
I keep replaying it over and over and over.
This will eventually pass like the others.
But god I hate this.
I'm sorry I didn't hug you more.
I'm sorry I didn't look you in the eyes and smile at you more.
I'm sorry I didn't pet you more.
I'm sorry your back legs stopped working.
I'm sorry when I asked you to please get out of the way.
I'm sorry I didn't appreciate you following me around more.
I'm sorry if you were in pain.
I'm sorry you didn't get to stay with us longer.
I'm sorry I cried so much.
I'm sorry you're gone now.
And I'm sorry for so much more.
I love you, and I promise I will see you again.
Dedicated to my loving dog Freckles.
A few thank yous.
Thank you to my mom for always being there for me.
Thank you to my father for showing me what kind of a person I don't want to grow up to be.
Thank you to my brother for teaching me how to be a good liar when need be.
Thank you to my grandpa, for teaching me how to take care of someone when they can't take care of themselves, and patience.
Thank you to my great grandpa, for showing me kindness and compassion.
Thank you to my friends, for always pushing me to become a better version of myself, and picking me up when I was down.
Thank you to the friends who left me, for showing me that not everything is as concrete as you believe it to be.
Thank you to my bullies, for pushing me when I was down at my lowest low, and showing me that I still had the power to rise up again, better than before.
Thank you to my teachers, for showing me how the world works, both the good and the bad.
Thank you to my animals, for always being there for me, with unconditional love.
And thank you finally, to myself.
Thank you for sticking it out as long as you have.
Thank you for continuing to fight for yourself.
Thank you for still learning and growing.
Thank you for putting up with all that you have.
and whether you want to hear it or not-
time eventually runs out.
and I know it's hard to accept
and I know death is
and it's okay to
of what you do not know
have no clue
as to what
awaits me on the
All I know is-
there is one.
After all this suffering.
After all this grief.
After all the highs to
there is more to this life
than simply being here.
And a part of me would like to believe
that what we do here;
And even if it's a tiny gesture
or a massive shift in
we all play our part.
We are all tiny messages
in fragile glass bottles
that we are too scared
to break out of.
Life is unpredictable
foolish and naive-
take our opportunities
It is senseless to keep
It is asinine
will bring us
Say what's on your mind
before it's too late.
And don't be one of those people
that say they