You force us to step backwards,
degrading who we are meant to be as
humans.

We should be charging forward,
learning,
growing,
and changing
for the better.

Instead,
you seem to wish us to be
nothing more than simple
monkeys,
gobbling the foul feces
that is flung our way.

I’ve been caught
in a bubble of my own creation,
cold and suffocating.

This is a pocket of safety,
a family not quite mine,
a home so different
from my own.

This is a peek into his past,
a life I didn’t know,
a history I can’t imagine
so different from my own.

This is a glimpse
of what the future may hold,
of people I may better know,
an environment that I can call
home.

This isn’t where I wanted to be,
hiding in the other room
on New Year’s.

Hunger and exhaustion
struck war with
defeat and depression
over a bowl of noodles.

And suddenly
it’s the
dragon in the room,
breathing down our backs
and burning us deep.

I wanted to be sinking into
warmth and love,
feeling hope and joy.


Here I sit in cold white light
hearing his voice

how sad it is


I hate that sadness.
I hate when he sounds like
the whole universe is crushing him
in an Iron Maiden of molten metal.

I wish
he would just
take the time
to listen.

New year.

I rarely frequent this place now,
it sits and stares, but remains ignored.
The words don’t come like
they used to do,
They don’t weave the same magic.

I was falling,
then crawling,
fighting to find my way

You materialized,
a lantern in the storm,
Offering warmth and safety

I held your hand
and off we ran
Headlong into insanity

Just for a moment,
I had a feeling
that life would be better,
but instead I was sent reeling.

You’ve been trying to help me,
hoping you’d free me
But I’ve slowly been dying
And I fear nothing can heal me.

I’ve been floating aimlessly
in a dark and icy sea,
waiting, just waiting,
for life to make something
out of me.

I know,
I know you’re there.
I know that you’re waiting
to sink your fangs
into my brain
and leave me crying
from the sudden pain.

I know that you’re lurking
right on my shoulder,
claws on my neck
and tongue in my ear.
“Soon, I’ll return.
Soon you’ll be
with me again, my dear.”

I shudder at his embrace,
but it is so familiar
that I cannot help
feeling safe.

Somehow,
everything falls right into place
with you.

I shouldn’t miss you this much.
I shouldn’t miss
our car rides,
your music,
the conversation.
I shouldn’t miss your company,
even when rain clouds lingered.
I shouldn’t miss you
for hurting me this way.
You knew it would hurt me
and you did it anyway.
I should be furious,
screaming in rage,

but I miss you.

You don’t need a love poem
because I can speak freely
to you.

I love to trace
the line of freckles
on your face

Your eyes
are so full
of life,
your smile
so true.

Your kiss
fills me
with warmth,
your hands
so gentle
around
my waist.

You are
a great perfection,
and I love you more
than I’ve ever known.

Why is this all so
wrong?

I don’t belong
in this backyard
among their joy.

I lost my home,
but I never
really
had it.

There is a person
instead.
He is home,
more than
them.

Where is my home?
A year later,
the answer
is still
unknown.

I skip over
the days,
always running away
from the end.

This house fits
like an old, hole-ridden glove,
uncomfortable but soft.

I need space,
but cannot stand
the emptiness.

But with him,
there is no silence.

There is sound
all around him,
and every touch
feels safe.

I want to leave
this house behind,
but I am scared.
I do not belong,
even tonight they want me to.

But I cannot breathe
in this little green house,
and I cannot grow.
This family is not really mine.

Who is?
He is.

Sunsets
and
stars,

shining and tossing
time away

Taking my breath
away

Every time
I look up,

My time
wastes
away.

It’s here,
caught in these words I’ve read
so many times,
with a familiar voice in my ears
and warmth on my face
That I really feel like

me.

In your eyes
lies safe haven,
real promises,
and genuine affection.

He lies awake at night,
heart full of memories
and eyes full of tears.
Grief has taken his dreams away.

All the poems I have written
for those who sat in my heart,
they linger here now
as painful memories.

You are here
to give them new life,
and they have never felt
more true.

I know that you’re angry
about what she did,
but attacking me for
her decisions
will only drive me away.

I know you don’t understand
how someone could hide
behind a false family,
but we weren’t false.
We were just safe.

She decided to take a risk for love,
and now she’s happy,
and I am proud.

I once sat
in the middle
of an infinite ocean,
struggling to breathe
and desperately awaiting rescue.

And then,
there you were.
Life pulled me through
pain and solitude
just to bring me
to you.

You approach,
and in your wake lies
a path to the future.

I know that I am good,
that I am a lightly colored soul,

But sometimes I feel the darkness
welling up inside—
I force it onto myself
so that I don’t hurt anyone else.

Reverie,
come over me,
wash into me
To take me away
from this madness

My reality
is cracking
at the corners
And I’m leaking in all the wrong places

There’s a lot of emotion
hiding here
that no one is aware of —
there’s so much heartache, so much pain,
that makes me feel every decision was made in vain.

I’m so tired
of the past,
of things I’d rather just forget.
I’m choking on memories
and drowning in nostalgia.

These bits of hope
are dimming more and more,
but maybe this one will stay bright.

There’s a lot of heartache here,
so much that I feel like
I should leave a little note
Every time I show someone
this page.
I’ve been trying too hard
to find someone,
and that has led me down
a frustrating path.

I’ve got ghosts that aren’t really dead.

Hey,
are you still there?
Or have you run away
like all the others?

Hey,
I’m feeling pretty bad today,
I
I just wanna say that
I wish everything would disappear
so I can stop feeling so gray.

It feels like this time of year
is just the worst for me
even though it’s supposed to be
happy and bright
My soul feels black as night
and I can’t take it anymore
I can’t bear this anymore
I
I wish I could fly away
I wish that you could stay
but who even are you?
I’m speaking to a ghost,
to someone I wish could be real
Someone to hold me tight and
remind that things will be okay...
How can anything be okay?

Everything is back to how it used to be.
Everything is a mess, a shamble, a waste of time,
It feels like this year didn’t really go by at all
I still feel exactly the same
How can I still feel this way
I was supposed to be better, supposed to get better,
Everything is supposed to be better now!

It’s hard to believe in change
when my failures stay the same.
And no one seems to see
just how much I’m struggling...
I just want everything to be okay.

I’m on the fine gray line
between the living
and the divine.

I won’t let you see
how much it really hurts
to have lost you
without really losing you.

This wound will bleed for a while.

Our bathroom wall,
light blue with a glitter topcoat,
looks gaudy and childish
in the daytime.

At night, by the glow
of a small nightlight,
my eyes blurry with sleep,
it looks as though
a piece of the night sky
has materialized before me.

My darling,
my love,
my moon and my stars,

I want you to know
about the little devil
living in my brain.

You haven’t really met her yet,
she’s quite vile and cruel,
and I hate what she makes me do.

You see her in my anxiety,
when I text you far too much,
or call so late at night.

But you haven’t yet seen her
in my depression,
here in my darkest times.

She makes me want to cry,
she makes me want to die.
She tells me that
you don’t love me,
She tells me that you will fly
away and leave me
to my torment.
She tells me that I’m
stupid and ugly and useless,
horrible and selfish and sad.
She tells me to hurt myself,
that I’ll feel better once I bleed.

She tells me that everything
would be so much easier
if I just gave up
and drew my last breath.

She tells me terrible things,
and sometimes,
I believe her.

But now you’re here.
You’re the voice of reason,
my reminder that I’m
not a waste a space.
You muffle her whispers
with your warmth.

So, yes, she’s still here,
and she’ll still fight
to make me quit.

But I know
I can keep fighting back
for you.

For months I have lived
in a house without a home,
surviving as a shell.

With you I find
a home again,
not a place,
but a person
filled with love.

You help me feel
like I can really
live again,
like I can be human.

I’m not a ghost,
for you have made me
real.

Sleeping is easier
because I fall asleep with your words in my head,
and know that I’ll see you in the morning.

Everything feels natural around you;
You don’t push me to an edge
before I’m ready to leap.
We’ll jump together
when the time comes,
but until then
we enjoy this lovely stroll.

There’s a warmth
slowly building
deep in my heart.
Every time I look at you,
every time we touch,
I feel it,
so close to becoming
a flame.

You give me hope,
but it’s hard to hold on to that
when everyone else
blew it out
even after promising
to protect its flame.

Sometimes I want to delete
the poems I wrote when I was
full of romance.
But that would be cruel,
to erase beautiful words
simply out of anger.
So I leave them where they are.

I didn’t realize
that the door was closing
until it slammed in my face
and left me sitting in cold silence.

Nights like this are a curse.

The tide has crashed
over my head—

I had my back turned,
I thought I was safe
but I was wrong.

I’m drowning,
flailing,
unsure of which way is up.

Everything is hitting me
all at once.

I was fine an hour ago.
I was fine.
I was.

But the tide doesn’t care.

Moonlight shimmering
on the diamond snow

Lamplight piercing
a teardrop

A chest buzzing with
emotions unknown

I cannot close my eyes
for I am stuck here

I can’t focus, I can’t think,
I can’t hear anything over

The ringing in my ears—
when did that start?

I just want to sleep but
there’s too much noise

In the silence of post midnight
as I lie alone with emptiness

Filling my soul and numbing
my heart again, no, why

Must this happen now when
I need to be strong for

The future and the now and
the hope of better things

I inhale stale breath and
exhale false dreams

I lie in a nest of sorrow
and the feathers of broken wings

I would love to try and fly
but the world holds me back

So I lie here trapped under
Plath’s bell jar, suffocating

Let me breathe, let me love,
let me be warm again

******,
I can’t hold on to anything

Everyone keeps running away,
leaving me to suffer—

No wonder I’m so scared
of being left behind

Where am I even going?
I can’t see my future

I can’t remember my past,
everything is different now.

1:19 am.
I should be sleeping but instead
I’m letting the words fly out
of my head.

And suddenly
everything is crowding
in my head
And I’m a mess again
just like I always
will be
And I wish that
all these demons
would just go away.

If someone closes a door on you,
do not idle in front of the door
and weep.
Instead, turn around
and find a new door.

I’ve got black widows
in my head,
hiding in fallen trees
and dead leaves.

I always knew I could
weave magic with a pen,
but I never realized that
the magic could pull
tears from dry eyes,
or pain from numb hearts,
or warmth from cold souls,
or inspiration from empty minds.

Desite the recent peace I’ve felt,
I can’t help but notice
a shade looming over my shoulder,

Waiting.

The threads between us
multiply
and strengthen our connection
with every word.

I would love to sprout
a pair of wings,
flowing from my spine.
They’d be feathered,
and black as night,
and could carry me to the stars.