It’s here,
caught in these words I’ve read
so many times,
with a familiar voice in my ears
and warmth on my face
That I really feel like

me.

In your eyes
lies safe haven,
real promises,
and genuine affection.

He lies awake at night,
heart full of memories
and eyes full of tears.
Grief has taken his dreams away.

All the poems I have written
for those who sat in my heart,
they linger here now
as painful memories.

You are here
to give them new life,
and they have never felt
more true.

I know that you’re angry
about what she did,
but attacking me for
her decisions
will only drive me away.

I know you don’t understand
how someone could hide
behind a false family,
but we weren’t false.
We were just safe.

She decided to take a risk for love,
and now she’s happy,
and I am proud.

I once sat
in the middle
of an infinite ocean,
struggling to breathe
and desperately awaiting rescue.

And then,
there you were.
Life pulled me through
pain and solitude
just to bring me
to you.

You approach,
and in your wake lies
a path to the future.

I know that I am good,
that I am a lightly colored soul,

But sometimes I feel the darkness
welling up inside—
I force it onto myself
so that I don’t hurt anyone else.

Reverie,
come over me,
wash into me
To take me away
from this madness

My reality
is cracking
at the corners
And I’m leaking in all the wrong places

There’s a lot of emotion
hiding here
that no one is aware of —
there’s so much heartache, so much pain,
that makes me feel every decision was made in vain.

I’m so tired
of the past,
of things I’d rather just forget.
I’m choking on memories
and drowning in nostalgia.

These bits of hope
are dimming more and more,
but maybe this one will stay bright.

There’s a lot of heartache here,
so much that I feel like
I should leave a little note
Every time I show someone
this page.
I’ve been trying too hard
to find someone,
and that has led me down
a frustrating path.

I’ve got ghosts that aren’t really dead.

Hey,
are you still there?
Or have you run away
like all the others?

Hey,
I’m feeling pretty bad today,
I
I just wanna say that
I wish everything would disappear
so I can stop feeling so gray.

It feels like this time of year
is just the worst for me
even though it’s supposed to be
happy and bright
My soul feels black as night
and I can’t take it anymore
I can’t bear this anymore
I
I wish I could fly away
I wish that you could stay
but who even are you?
I’m speaking to a ghost,
to someone I wish could be real
Someone to hold me tight and
remind that things will be okay...
How can anything be okay?

Everything is back to how it used to be.
Everything is a mess, a shamble, a waste of time,
It feels like this year didn’t really go by at all
I still feel exactly the same
How can I still feel this way
I was supposed to be better, supposed to get better,
Everything is supposed to be better now!

It’s hard to believe in change
when my failures stay the same.
And no one seems to see
just how much I’m struggling...
I just want everything to be okay.

I’m on the fine gray line
between the living
and the divine.

I won’t let you see
how much it really hurts
to have lost you
without really losing you.

This wound will bleed for a while.

Our bathroom wall,
light blue with a glitter topcoat,
looks gaudy and childish
in the daytime.

At night, by the glow
of a small nightlight,
my eyes blurry with sleep,
it looks as though
a piece of the night sky
has materialized before me.

My darling,
my love,
my moon and my stars,

I want you to know
about the little devil
living in my brain.

You haven’t really met her yet,
she’s quite vile and cruel,
and I hate what she makes me do.

You see her in my anxiety,
when I text you far too much,
or call so late at night.

But you haven’t yet seen her
in my depression,
here in my darkest times.

She makes me want to cry,
she makes me want to die.
She tells me that
you don’t love me,
She tells me that you will fly
away and leave me
to my torment.
She tells me that I’m
stupid and ugly and useless,
horrible and selfish and sad.
She tells me to hurt myself,
that I’ll feel better once I bleed.

She tells me that everything
would be so much easier
if I just gave up
and drew my last breath.

She tells me terrible things,
and sometimes,
I believe her.

But now you’re here.
You’re the voice of reason,
my reminder that I’m
not a waste a space.
You muffle her whispers
with your warmth.

So, yes, she’s still here,
and she’ll still fight
to make me quit.

But I know
I can keep fighting back
for you.

For months I have lived
in a house without a home,
surviving as a shell.

With you I find
a home again,
not a place,
but a person
filled with love.

You help me feel
like I can really
live again,
like I can be human.

I’m not a ghost,
for you have made me
real.

Sleeping is easier
because I fall asleep with your words in my head,
and know that I’ll see you in the morning.

Everything feels natural around you;
You don’t push me to an edge
before I’m ready to leap.
We’ll jump together
when the time comes,
but until then
we enjoy this lovely stroll.

There’s a warmth
slowly building
deep in my heart.
Every time I look at you,
every time we touch,
I feel it,
so close to becoming
a flame.

You give me hope,
but it’s hard to hold on to that
when everyone else
blew it out
even after promising
to protect its flame.

Sometimes I want to delete
the poems I wrote when I was
full of romance.
But that would be cruel,
to erase beautiful words
simply out of anger.
So I leave them where they are.

I didn’t realize
that the door was closing
until it slammed in my face
and left me sitting in cold silence.

Nights like this are a curse.

The tide has crashed
over my head—

I had my back turned,
I thought I was safe
but I was wrong.

I’m drowning,
flailing,
unsure of which way is up.

Everything is hitting me
all at once.

I was fine an hour ago.
I was fine.
I was.

But the tide doesn’t care.

Moonlight shimmering
on the diamond snow

Lamplight piercing
a teardrop

A chest buzzing with
emotions unknown

I cannot close my eyes
for I am stuck here

I can’t focus, I can’t think,
I can’t hear anything over

The ringing in my ears—
when did that start?

I just want to sleep but
there’s too much noise

In the silence of post midnight
as I lie alone with emptiness

Filling my soul and numbing
my heart again, no, why

Must this happen now when
I need to be strong for

The future and the now and
the hope of better things

I inhale stale breath and
exhale false dreams

I lie in a nest of sorrow
and the feathers of broken wings

I would love to try and fly
but the world holds me back

So I lie here trapped under
Plath’s bell jar, suffocating

Let me breathe, let me love,
let me be warm again

******,
I can’t hold on to anything

Everyone keeps running away,
leaving me to suffer—

No wonder I’m so scared
of being left behind

Where am I even going?
I can’t see my future

I can’t remember my past,
everything is different now.

1:19 am.
I should be sleeping but instead
I’m letting the words fly out
of my head.

And suddenly
everything is crowding
in my head
And I’m a mess again
just like I always
will be
And I wish that
all these demons
would just go away.

If someone closes a door on you,
do not idle in front of the door
and weep.
Instead, turn around
and find a new door.

I’ve got black widows
in my head,
hiding in fallen trees
and dead leaves.

I always knew I could
weave magic with a pen,
but I never realized that
the magic could pull
tears from dry eyes,
or pain from numb hearts,
or warmth from cold souls,
or inspiration from empty minds.

Desite the recent peace I’ve felt,
I can’t help but notice
a shade looming over my shoulder,

Waiting.

The threads between us
multiply
and strengthen our connection
with every word.

I would love to sprout
a pair of wings,
flowing from my spine.
They’d be feathered,
and black as night,
and could carry me to the stars.

Do not be ashamed of what you feel,
for you are human.
Your feelings are completely normal,
and I have felt the same.
We both have something
that drags in the mud behind us,
But I believe that we
can help each other relieve
those weights.

It’s ok to watch the ghosts sometimes.
It’s ok to look at them
and wonder, “What if?”
It’s ok to watch them smile
and wish that you were the cause.
It’s only natural,
and it proves how much
you really care.

It’s okay to watch the ghosts sometimes,
the occasional glance back
as you walk away.
Everyone’s pace is different,
so don’t be embarrassed by yours.
Just don’t let the ghosts
blind you to what’s
right in front of you.

Anxiety gnaws at me,
and it’s hard to keep control.
I won’t let it drive you away.
I won’t let my fear
wrap chains around your wrists -
I have to let you breathe,
and maintain my own breathing
at the same time.

I can breathe,
I can control this.
I can keep us safe.

You lift
my heart
into the very center
of the universe
and fill it
with a cosmic magic
that gives me fresh life.

There is a sudden peace.

I stared the dark fog of death
in the eyes
and I never blinked.

I feel strong. I feel like
I understand.
I may not know yet
where I will go,
but I know now
how I will live.
My heart will lead the way,
for I know that it won’t lead me
astray.
The pain that I’ve felt
has only made me stronger,
so that I can survive the future.
I will not die,
for I have too much life to share.

you slowly push
my doubts away,
and every day
that we talk
i feel the hole fill.
the universe
might finally be kind
to my aching heart.
could you really be
the comfort
i’ve been seeking?

You make me feel
soft
and
warm,
And it’s such a nice change.

Someone will be reading this soon,
ready to learn my secrets,
ready to hear my thoughts.
And to you, new heart, I say,
Welcome to my world.
Tread carefully through these words,
for they contain a rollercoaster
of emotions,
a constantly shifting tide.
Here is where you see who
I really am.

Last night
I dreamed I was high,
Once again able to touch the sky.
I woke up
with my body aching
and my mind spinning,
and reality was all too real.

There’s a warmth in my heart again,
A hole I hope can be filled -
Will he disappear like everyone else?
Or, this time, is it real?

I’m sorry
that I leave
so many ghosts
behind me
every time
I try
to love.

I feel it creeping in
just under my skin;
It comes when
my thoughts are fuzzy
and the sky is dark.
It pulls tears from my eyes
and pours embers into my brain,
it whispers in my ear
and leaves a frozen knife
in my heart.
And it’s not until
I finally close my eyes
that I am safe.

This app that tracks
how my brain is feeling
asks me what emotion
is sitting in my chest -
I wish there was an option for
multiple feelings,
or all of the above.

No one can see
that I'm caught in between -
my body is in the present
while my soul is in the past.

I am being asked to love again,
and my love is being questioned —
It makes me want to rip
my heart out,
smash it against the earth
And declare it dead.