The concept of the end gets closer and closer each time it starts.

Each time, I am more alone.
More detached.

Farther away.

Each time, it hurts more.

Each time,

It breaks me more.

But they never see.

They never notice. They are distracted. So distracted.

They all say they love me so.

They all say I mean so much to them.

That they appreciate me so much.

But then they leave me, after telling me leaving me alone might be dangerous to my health.

I can't wait for the end.

Anticipation
Devours me whole
As we get closer
To when you come home.

All I want
Is to be held
Within your arms.

But you're so far,
Far from me.

And I miss you,
Your heart and soul.
All I need
Is you,
To keep me whole.

It hurts so bad
To know that
People leave
So easily
And what does it
Mean to me
That you're not here.

There's an ache in my wrists
That begs that I give in
To all this dissociation.

There's an ache
In my bones
That begs for me to give in,
To black out.

And while I have nothing
No one
To ground me
To keep me level
I refuse
To give in
To that.

So
Light me up
With the
Fire in your eyes.
Burn me up
With the warmth of your being,

All I need
All I want
Is you.

I'm floundering
Here in darkness.

I aspire to be perfect.
But I'll never reach it.

You used to call me perfect,
And I knew then too
That it was just a syrupy sweet lie,
Whether you knew it or not.
It was comforting nonetheless.

So I'm not so fond of the latter,
So let's find something a little more doable,
And I'm sorry if I don't seem amicable,
But let's get the ball rolling.

I can write
And I can fight,
And let's just pretend I've got the gall,
But I'm not so on the ball,
To be honest,
But let's get this started
I promise, I'm trying my best.

I love you dearly,
I love you sincerely,
And nightmares leave me gasping,
Suffocating,
And your kind words
And voice,
It's like oxygen to lungs deprived of air.

I can breathe again,
And suddenly I'm okay,
And the tension in my shoulders
Loosens ever so slightly,
And the burning pain in my muscles
Stops,
Because peace has finally been found,

Within the heart of a Bluebird
I am lucky enough
To call my own.
I'll never have to face
These demons alone,
And for that I am grateful,
Entirely and truly.

By the very meaning of my name,
I am strife.
I am war.
I am doom.

By the very definition of my name,
I am violence,
I am hurt,
I am life and all the pain that you must endure
To understand happiness or light.

By the very essence of my being
I do not give up.
I do not give in.
The only thing I give
Is all I've got.

I am surprised
That you have accepted me,
Anger,
Sadness,
Constant needs for attention
And all.

But I am not surprised because of you.

You are beautifully caring,
And strong like no other.
You are the type of person
I have needed
For quite some time.

But I will do all I can
To love you
With all I am.

You are my heart,
My soul,
And above all else,
The most important person
And thing
In my life.

Thank you,
For clearing the fog of anger
And fear
Out of my head.

Your strength
Will be rewarded
With love,
Cuddles,
And probably some type of food.

(And lifelong commitment and loyalty, but y'know.)

I'm cold
And shaky
And fearful
Of the future.

I just want you
To stay.
I just want you
Here.

But the fire can't keep me warm
Tonight
Because I'm lost in thought
Lost in place
Trying to find
Myself
Or anything resembling that.

But whatever
Whoever
I may be
I am still lost.

And you would rather
Inhale ash
Than speak to me
In any sense deeper
Than "I love you,"

But I lose myself
In the shadows
In the wherever
Whoever

And fear burns through my skin
Boils my bones
And my marrow,
Leaving me
Less
Leaving me somewhat
Gone.

But I'm disgusted
And angry
And lost.
But that's about it.

I say, You've come so far,
Turn away from the bars.
Don't you want to see what's next?
Please, come here, into my arms.
Step away from the ledge.

b u t  n o b o d y  h e r e   w o u l d  c a r e, i f  i   live  o r  i f  i  die.

And I say,

" How can you be,
So utterly blind?
If you were to just up and die, this world would be devoid of yet another light.
People you wouldn't even think of would breakdown and cry.

She tossed me a smile,
And I thought I got through,
But life has a way
Of playing horrible tricks on you.

She reached for my hand,
Thanked me for my words,
Promised she wouldn't make a mess upon the land
Beneath us.

I tried to grab her, pull her back.
But she slipped through my fingers, like a ghost.
I fell to my knees, my forehead on the ledge, my stomach in knots.
She didn't know, that I was the one when we lost her, I was the one who would lose the most.

I would cry the most.

Because I loved her

T h e

M o s t .

Never regret
A thing
Because at one point
It was exactly what
You wanted.

But how could I want it
If I wasn't there to
Ask for it?

And I hope
I pray
That you may
See me
As something good
Something whole
Something worthwhile.

But I have wounds and scars
And broken parts
But if you see me
Maybe I can be a better me.

I can't
Breathe
I can't
Feel
The pain in my wrists
Makes my guts twist
And I cannot breathe
I cannot feel
Anything but
This anxiety
That eats me up.

Because I can't help it,
I feel sick,
I can barely lift my fingers to type,
I'm drenched in fever sweat
And cold chills
But I feel so guilty
I feel so bad

What can I say
What can I do?

I can't calm down.
I need to breathe,
But I cannot.

Why breathe
Why need
There's no purpose
No reason
I can't change
it
I can't fix
It
And I was wrong
And I am right
But what do I do
Nothing makes sense

Help.

Except i don't.
but let's roll with it

I want to bleed
all the ways
you aspire me to
I want to bleed
all the colors
you could imagine.

I want to be beautiful
even when no ones watching.
I want to be the sunset
the sunrise.
I want to be the sunlight
for you
on your darkest days.

I want to be bleed
and I want to feel
and I want to be
everything you desire.

and I'm not the brightest
my cynicism has made me dull.
and I'm not the prettiest,
I know too many truths
to let myself become nothing more
than my smile.

heed my words,
heed my warnings.

I am more than you desire--

I hope you can handle it.

Fire is something that most people with common sense tend to fear.
It only destroys, says all the rationality.
It's said that fire only leaves embers and ashes
In place of things that were once colorful and filled with life.

But I will throw caution to the wind,
Along with the thick, black smoke from my burning soul.
For the fire in your eyes
Warms the ice in my heart,
To the point that I melt into something
Pliable and warm.

The frost-filled territorial rage that devours me whole,
Is replaced by the warmth of combining two souls.

And if it is foolish
To fall for the fire in someone's eyes,
Then paint me a fool,
Then paint me burned,
For the fire in your eyes
Warms my soul
For eternity.

You are
The ire
That burns the ice
In my gaze

The bones
My wolf dog grinds down
With his fangs

You are the dust
Left in my mortar and pestle

You are the ash
Left by the lightning
From my storm.

I call it
I call it
I call it to thee
I call it
I call it
I call it to thee.

I am the quaking, I am the end.
I am the shaking, I am the bend.
I am the wind, the thunder,
The rumble
That breaks your bones,
You scream,
You beg
But fire will not relent,
And you will not forget.

You have crossed
The wrong Storm Siren.

I would love to be told
what makes me worthwhile
because it's easy to be insecure
when you refrain from telling me
anything.

cold wraps its filthy arms around me
and I shiver and shudder and my legs fall asleep
and I feel far from you
and maintaining anything negative in your general direction
is so difficult for me,
so why do I bother?

I guess I do it
because I'm scared.

I hate the way you smile when you talk about her,
I hate the way you look forlorn when you think about what you did.
I hate that I wasn't there to be part of what you were.
I hate that I'm always second best, always outdid.

I hate the way I melt when our eyes meet.
I hate the way the toxins disperse.
I hate the way your eyes make my voice sweet,
I hate the way I make it so much worse.

I hate that I see love in your colors,
And I hate that I don't know if its' mine,
Or if its' others.
But I love the way those colors shine.

But most of all I hate that I can't hate you, even if I had to.
Because it's true. I have always loved you.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP
WITH ALL THIS POURING RAIN
AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP
WITH ALL THAT NOISE
AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP

When I can't sleep.
When I keep thinking
About the future
And how much I want it to be now,
And how badly I want to be
Next to you,
In your arms,
My skin against yours.

How am I supposed to sleep,
When I can't grasp your hands?

How am I supposed to sleep
When I miss you so much?

I guess I will,
I guess I will
Somehow.

But not now.
Sleep is evasive.
I'll keep searching.

Sometimes I worry
Because you're not very blatant
Or forthcoming with your words
When you tell me you love me
Or that I'm beautiful
And sometimes I have to remember
That you say these things with
Other words and actions.

Like when you kiss me on the top of my head
When you're playing video games,
Or when you listen to me
When I ask if we can do something else,
Or when we're going outside to talk
And you suggest I put on my slippers.

Or when you hold me in the morning
Before you have to go.

And maybe it's better
That you're not as wordy as I am,
Because it makes the moments
You tell me that you love me so much
Or that my smile is beautiful
So much more
Meaningful.

“What we had went so much deeper than a kiss.
When we were together, she turned me completely inside out. It didn’t matter if we were dead or alive. We could never be kept apart. There were some things more powerful than worlds or universes. She was my world, as much as I was hers. What we had, we knew.
The poems are all wrong. It’s a bang, a really big bang. Not a whimper.
And sometimes gold can stay.
Anybody who’s ever been in love can tell you that.” –pg. 421 of Beautiful Redemption by Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl.

And didn't you know
That this is how I've always felt about you,
And my most fantastic dream
Wasn't a type of fairy tale *******,
It was laughing and working through problems.
It was my understanding you
And you understanding me,
And it astounds me
That even at the worst
We've found it.

And nothing can keep me from you,
Because red strings don't work like that.
I am meant to be yours
Just as you're meant to be mine.

No one can ever
Tell me otherwise.

Let there be worlds between us,
Let there be trials and tribulations
Of the most dangerous and detrimental kind,
And I promise I will find you,
Each and every time.

Because you don't just walk away from someone,
Love isn't about the times when keeping on is easy--
It's about when it's the hardest thing to do.
And I will do it,
Through and through.

Sometimes I look at you,
And I can feel either end of my mouth
Pulling up
And laughter erupting
From the pit of my stomach
And through my chest
And strumming my vocal chords.

And sometimes I look at you
And I recognize that this must be
What sunshine in the dead of winter
Looks like
Embodied in a human being.

And I use that metaphor
(Sunshine, because you make me happy,)
For good reason
(Winter, because you put up barriers and sometimes you're hard to read).

And I could memorize
Your silhouette
And hold onto that memory
For months
But as much as that beautiful imagery
Would hold me over,
It wouldn't ever compare
To being within your arms,
And watching the fire burn
Within your eyes.

I have bruises
On the inside
That grow to the outside.
I have bruises on my heart,
That grow inside my mind.

I have bruises
On my thighs
And scratches
On my shins.

All these things
From dreams I can't unsee.

I dreamnt that I couldn't save any of them,
Because I didn't.
And I woke up in your arms,
Feeling guilty,
And afraid of myself.

Nothing feels real,
And that's my fault.

I could list off the reasons why you shouldn't love me,
But I know that you do,
And who am I to change your mind?

And I guess it all reminds me,

I've got running away running through my veins,
But I'd like nothing more than to stay.

So stay I will.

Breathing isn't something that comes to me
With ease.

Breathing is difficult,
And I forget to do it often.

I'm so wrapped up
In awe,
In anxiety,
In wonder,
In despair,
That I forget that breathing
Keeps me here.

I have to force myself to breathe sometimes.

Because other times the air is too thin,
Or too thick,
And it chokes me.

I have a phobia of asphyxiation,
Which is pretty ironic
Seeing as something always
Takes my breath away.

And within my dream
I recall,
The ferocity of which I could
Only really growl,
"Leave him alone,"
An "Or Else." bleeding through
My tone.

And the images of
Those that have granted me
Only nightmares
Flashed before my eyes
And I realized
My own sins
Have made theirs seem greater.

I know what lies look like,
I know how they read.

Hatred makes a truth
Twisted and convoluted,
Makes you see double the pain,
Double the anguish.

It exaggerates hurt,
And lengthens the scars.

I am aware of this,
For I do not speak
My hatred's names.

I  dreamt of fire last night,
I dreamt of flames.

But you are the cold winds,
You are the rain.

I need the rain,
To **** the fire
That burned at my flesh,
At the raw parts of my heart.

And so you did.

There's nothing beautiful
about not needing anybody.
there's nothing beautiful
about being heartless.
about leaving everything
and everyone you've ever
cared for
behind.

there is something beautiful
about caring.
about the good, the bad, and the ugly
parts of loving someone.

there is something beautiful
about listening.
about recognizing the octaves of laughter,
and the rhythmic tones
of someone's speaking voice.

there is something beautiful
about the thrum of a certain heartbeat.

there is nothing beautiful
about not having a heart
at all.

I love that we work.
I love when you make mention of
The fact that we work.
I love that you make it obvious you care,
I love that you appreciate when I do the same.

My main attributes
Are kindness
And fierce loyalty.

Yours seem to be
Stubborn dedication
And honesty.

And it seems
To me
That you don't believe in much
But you believe in us.

People have a way
Of finding their way into my life.
They also have a way
Of finding the door
Before I can find
Their hearts.

But you found my heart
Immediately
And when I found yours
I made it my home.

You don't believe in fated love.
But you do believe in true love.
And, I suppose it's important
That I make mention
That you think/know
That I am your true love.

Fated love being
Someone you must love
That it's been written in stone
That you love them.

True love being
Someone who you love more than anything, that you always will love.

If that's what I am to you,
Then that's enough
For me.

Things are tough sometimes.

keep going.

the path will be dangerous sometimes.

keep walking.

your feet will ache. Your hands will shake. Your stomach will hurt. Your eyes will itch from all the grime and dirt.

keep moving forward.

people will be cruel. They'll want you to fail. You'll be able to see it in their eyes.

don't listen to them, don't look at them.

you'll get scared, of everything. Of people and places that you consider home.

don't let it happen.

you'll want to curl up and lay in a ball until you're shaking enough that you don't know how to stop.

do it. But not for too long. Breathe. Get back up. Keep walking.

you'll feel fear at your back and in your head. It'll try eating you alive, and you might even want to let it.

you can't do that. You're better than that, stronger than that.

you'll have enough scars that you lose count.

keep counting them.

you'll lose your appetite from the fear, from the hatred, from the regret, the guilt.

keep trying to eat. Even if it's just a little bit. (a wise Bluebird once told me that.)

remember, the night is always darkest before dawn.

I really hope that
no matter how far the distance
between us
that my heart will always be yours
and that yours will always be mine.

I really hope that
we can always never grow up together.
and that you'll always find me
in my darkness
and that I may always find you
in yours.

I hope you know
you'll always be my person,
my light, and my Bluebird.
even if I seem lost to you,
I will forever be yours,
and no one elses.
I always have been,
and always will be.

anyone who tries to say otherwise
can ******* fight me.

I know I have been bent
Into a different shape
But sometimes it's hard to tell
If I can ever go back
To my previous shape.

And maybe I can't.

And maybe I don't want to.

Maybe my lines
Just need to be more defined
And maybe I'll be
Just fine.

I am not the same shape
I was before.
I have jagged edges
And indents and scuffs,
But I am better
As the shape I am now.

It is unfair of me to ask you
To love this shape compared to the one
You once knew.

But if you are
To find a way
To love it
The same,
Then please,
Go ahead.

"I have been bent and broken. But, I hope, into a better shape." - Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

I am an introvert.
I rebuild myself from silence.
I isolate myself when I'm upset.
I recharge all my stores of energy when I'm alone.

But I am also very bad at being an introvert (just like how I am very bad at most things, especially things that make up key parts of who I am).

I do not like being alone.
I cannot successfully live in a quiet house.

I need some type of noise to soothe my constantly-buzzing subconscious.

I have,
For the most part,
Been the truest type of alone
For the majority of my life.


But I can't keep it up.

I am alone all the time.
Pretty much everyday,
And I wouldn't be surprised
If it turned into every night, as well.

I am always by myself.
I always have been.

I don't think I can do this-- any of this-- alone anymore.

But I don't really have much of a choice.

You speak
And though I hear you
I am blind to the color
It makes.

You touch me
And though I feel you
I am blind to the color
It makes.

I am so proud of you,
So happy for you,
But I am blind to the color
I should be feeling.

I stare at you,
Hoping to hold onto
Your smile.
The fire in your eyes.
I memorize your laughter,
Your voice,
Your diction and inflection.

And I have nine months time
To memorize you.
To hold onto you.
To fix myself enough
That you'll want to come home.

I have nine months time,
But I'm blind to the color,
I know.

And then I'll have
Nine more months,
Give or take,
Filled with missing you.
Longing for you.
Needing you.

I memorize the lines of your face.
The shimmering blue of your eyes,
And the gold that lines your pupils.
I playback your voice, your laugh inside my head.
I stare into your colors,
And beg for them to swallow me whole,
To envelop me and deliver me from this terror.

But it can't.
Because I'm blind to your colors, too.

I have been searching all my life
To see if anyone can see
Beyond my facades and darkness
And rather see into it,
And find the hurt soul
Trying desperately to repair.

And I was astonished
At the fact that you
So willingly
Would see me,
And brave my shadows.
And I am so appreciative
Of the fact that you're here
To stay.

Do not
Believe boys
When they tell
You they love love
Do not
Believe boys
When they tell you
They are in love with you.

Do not
Believe boys
When they tell you
They are men
After hurting you
Repeatedly
With their words
And actions.

Do not believe boys
Who claim to be men
When they push you aside
After proclaiming they want to marry you,
For other girls that hurt your most insecure parts.

Believe men
Who tell you are worthy.
Believe men
Who understand why it is wrong
To harm another.

Believe men
Who do not throw tantrums
Because something went wrong.

Do not believe
Vile children
In grown up bodies
Who think your health and comfort
Is stupid and not important.

Do not fall for blissful spring green laughter
After standing back up from
Horrific blue tornadoes,
It is too dangerous
It could be bad too.
Do not trust so easily,
Do not yearn so easily,
They could be lying too.

But in their colors you see a flare
Of pink that makes you excited,
Because you know your face is reflecting
That same color
In your complexion.

It cannot be a lie.
Not another lie.

But do not give your heart away
So easily.
Not yet.
Save it.
For now.

Do trust, though.
It will be safe
One day.

Watch me defy the world
To make you smile,
If it means
You'll stay awhile.

I will defy
All odds
To let myself
Fly
With you.

What doesn't **** you
Makes you stronger,
So please,
Begs your tugging heartstrings,
Hold on just a little bit longer!

And I can feel a darkness
Eroding your brilliant light.
It weathers and breaks and fractures,
Piece by painful piece.

Your brilliant colors,
Usually a beacon of light,
A signal for me,
Constantly shouting
This is home!
Fade into thoughts that consume.

What doesn't **** you
Makes you stronger,
So please,
Whispers a soft voice,
Hold on just a little bit longer.

And when you sleep,
The darkness edging
At the corner of your mind
Recedes,
And I know this
Because, though at a lull,
Your colors gleam and glow,
The familiarity warming me.

But you've been tossing and turning,
And digging your elbows into my back,
And I know this means you're not sleeping well,
But not being able to help--
Well, it's my private hell.

What doesn't **** you
Makes you stronger,
So please,
The words just don't fit,
Hold on just a little bit longer.

And life does terrible things.
And maybe we'll never understand.
And maybe there's just too much to lose,
But I'll risk everything,
If it means loving you.

Life does terrible things,
But it's what we make of it,
Right?
And while I doubt you'll let
The darker shades grow any more
Than they have,
It's still my job to worry.

What doesn't **** you
Makes you stronger
So please
I'll ask softly,
*Just hold on a little bit longer.

Red,
Like the sunset.
Orange,
Like the clouds.

Green,
Like seafoam.
Blue,
Like the sea.

Cold,
Because you're guarded.
Warm,
Because you choose to be.

Cheeks flushing pink or red or burgundy,
Shock of a ginger touch on raw hearts,
Fear of being left, fear of leaving.

Stupid fights,
Stupid hurt.
Resolve quickly,
Softly.
No yelling,
No accusations.

Leaving me dumbfounded
At things being handled
Lovingly
Calmly
Gently.

How damaged must I be
To think this kindness is strange?

You're better at loving me,
Than I am at loving me.

But that's not saying much,
When you look at the scars and scratches
On my arms.

But I have sunset eyes,
And when you tell me you love me
So, so much
They shimmer gold and amber.

And when the wind picks up
The cold falls over me
And you meet my midnight eyes.
Frozen and freezing,
I am all and I am nothing.

I am the sunset,
Red and orange
And darker blues
And blacks cascading
Into the starry night sky.

But you are bright,
You are light.
You are sky blue,
And warm
With a passionate,
Determined intensity.

You're better at loving me,
Than I am at loving me.

And that explains
Why everyone else
Is so bad at it.

But look where the ocean meets the skyline,
And we're not so different,
Because as long as we're under the same sky,
I think we'll be okay.

Take up the orange-red of the sunset,
And soak in the sun drenched yellow
That makes up the sidewalks I used to wait around on,
And the colors of a sea and sky I've never known,
And together,
Almost overwhelmingly so,
It'll make something beyond compare.

I have been told bravery has nothing to do with
A lack of fear.
Bravery is being afraid,
Acknowledging the potential for danger,
And going in headlong anyway.

So I guess it makes me brave,
Getting back up,
Moving forward,
And holding your hand.

Do not rely on patterns,
Or mathematical probability,
Or scientific fact.

Patterns **** up.
Mathematical probability can be miscalculated,
And scientific fact can be proven wrong,
Upon another finding.

I close my eyes and I see storms rolling in,
And ignore the smell of rain on the wind,
Because I could be struck by lightening a thousand times,
And I'd still rather that than

Losing
You.

And suddenly there's a song in the background
(Thanks, autoplay.)
That makes me realize
(Ever so slowly, as my fingers slow in pace on the keyboard)
This isn't just my being lucky enough
To have you.
A life without you
Seems a lot less vibrant
As I struggle to picture
The juxtaposition
Of a life by your side
And a life without.

And maybe the fear
Of becoming yours
And becoming attached
Is more like my fear of heights
Than my fear of the dark.

It isn't heights I'm afraid of.
It's falling from them.

I'm not afraid of being part of your life,
Of living a life with you by my side,
I'm frightened by a life without you there.

I'm a whole person,
Don't get me wrong.
But there's a part of me
That's easier to show to you
Than for me to see,
And I like who I am
With you,
Better than the person I am
Without you.

I am a better me,
Because of my Bluebird.

I know I'm a little disjointed,
A little matter-of-fact,
Not too swift on the uptake.
Part of it could be repressing the good parts of life for so long,
The other part could be being blind to them,
For so very long.

Why do people think cooking is feminine or weak?

I'm playing with knives
And high heat.

Waiting for the simply syrup
To heat perfectly
Or break.
Stabbing toothpicks
Into little cakes.

Getting my frustration out
But tugging and ripping apart
Blood red taffy.

But okay.
Cooking is weak.

I've been in worse places before,
And I can feel myself tugging on the ropes
To pull me out of it.

I feel alone,
Even when you're here.

The weeks seem longer,
The days seem like two at once,
I just want you to touch me,
Remind me that this is real.

But you're distant,
And I'm trying too hard.

I try not to cry,
And I try to be cute,
And I try to be sociable,
And I try to be smart.

But all I do is cry.

Maybe you won't be so distant
Forever,
But it sure hurts
Right now.

I rhyme better
when I'm not thinking.
and I think better
with better flow
when I don't stop to think
of what I know.

and it's cold
and it's windy
and I can't think
of why I'm here,
and I wish I could vanish
just disappear

but i can't
I won't
that's not my
game
that's not how
I play.

I am shivering and frozen and missing you
and I wonder what I can do
to keep the winds
from making me colder still
and I wonder if you will
follow me through
what I've lost
and what I've gained?
older still,
I forget the name
of what the whole point
was.

but not that it matters
as long as you are mine.

And I remember
The look in her eyes
When I explained that I hated her,
But it was a lie.

And I remember feeling the guilt
For the way I tried to save her,
But it was the only way
That I knew how.

And I regret trying
To do what I did,
But I cannot change the past
And I cannot change who I was.

And as much as I tried
To seek out forgiveness
She revoked it
Like a toy from an undeserving child.

I will always hold you
To a higher standard
Than others.
And for what I did,
I will hold myself
Even higher.

She probably won't ever understand
The point that intrusive thoughts drive you to,
Or how blackened my mind had become,
But I trust that as long as I can
Work towards
Forgiving myself,
I can be better.

You chase storms-of-people.
thunderstorms.
rain showers.
heat lightning
with light mist.

but I am a hurricane.
I am all necessary destruction
and eerie calm.
I am the uprooting of trees
centuries older than myself,
I am the burning of homes, towns, and worst of all, bridges.
I am rain upon rain upon sheets of rain.
I am winds the break concrete,
that break people.

but what people often times forget
about weather and people alike
is that we are constantly changing.

I am a hurricane
on my darkest days.

I am sunlight
and clear skies
and the smell of mid to late spring
on my brightest.

I am crab-apple blossoms.
I am lilacs tinted the scent of the breeze.
I am daffodils
popping up from the dark soil
to greet early spring
with a bright and fierce
yellow passion.

you're used to
thunderstorms.
rain showers.
heat lightning
with light misting.

they all amount to
partially cloudy
sunny with a chance of rain
a half hearted dismal drizzle
on their good days.

my heart and soul
is the hurricane
and the spring sunshine.

I am destruction,
and I am creation.
it is the very essence
of my being.

if you're a storm chaser,
you're in for one hell of an
adventure.

Write me a letter,
Tell me of songs,
Tell me of things
That take too long.

Like trying to keep
Yourself from telling how you feel
To your forever.

Write me something sweet,
Tell me something kind,
Tell me of light,
So bright I go blind.

I will write you sonnets,
I will write you a soliloquy,
Paint my heart with beautiful words,
And I will write you an acrostic for each.

There is loss,
Yet there is light,
And by finding sight
Within darkness,
I have found
The most beautiful nothings.

So it's scary telling you all these things
About me.

But with your eyes
Locking onto mine
And my voice
Trilling around your name,
And your breath
Curling around the word
"Hummingbird"
In reference to me,
And my hands in your hair,
Lulling you into relaxation,
And your hand on my knee,
Keeping me grounded,
Or your arms around my torso,
Keeping me safe in a warmth
Within your soul

It's like fireworks
Or symphonies
Bursting into ambition
To keep going
To keep trying
To keep being.

Being near you
Is like being near something radioactive,
But the only thing radiating off
Is complete and total
Bliss.

And if you plugged me into
A polygraph,
And asked me if I thought we'd make it
To forever,
My answer would simply be:
"Of course I do."

But take out the polygraph,
And my answer will be
"Boy, do I hope so."

'Cause I'm not gonna jinx it,
But I think we'll make it,
I think we'll make it
Because we're fireworks
And symphonies
And silent nights watching stars
And nights staying up late
Either laughing or kissing or talking about things that get a little too deep
To parts that still sting.

And I wouldn't trade loving you
For fireworks we never got to see.
And I'd rather listen to your rhythmic breathing
When you sleep,
Than see the lights and colors of
Explosions in the sky.

I'd rather your kiss take my breath away,
Than any music or light show.

Your eyes make me melt
And that's a feat in itself,
'Cause I'm pretty cold.

And I hope I can make
You feel the same.

I was so scared to open up
To anyone
And now here we are,
I'm baring all that I am
And I'm scared it won't be taken well,
But these are the soft, vulnerable parts of me.

Take care please,
I bruise easily.

Silently
Tears
Tend to fall.

Usually
I sob
In that ugly way.

But who cares
Who even reads
Into my words
Into my motives
Into what I'm trying
To say.

Who even cares.

Who's to say
Anyone cares,
No one says anything.

I don't mean likes,
I don't mean comments,
I mean from the people I want to
Hear speak.

It doesn't ******* matter,
Because in the end
These words are ******* worthless.

You'll never get it,
And my care will never
Be good enough
For anyone,
So who the ****
Even wants it?

Why do I even
Try?

Because I'm hoping
That one day
I'll stop feeling so rejected
When you just don't know what to say.

Sometimes I forget to feel.
or, I should say,
I forget to feel anything about things
I'm supposedly required to emote towards.

maybe it's because I'm too busy
feelings things about everything else.

so I can't feel bad that I didn't chase her or him,
that I didn't break myself all over again
to keep this and that person in my life.

I'm too busy feeling
happy
and free
and guilty for mistakes
I have yet to repent for.

I don't have time,
I guess,
to care whether or not
I'm feeling bad about whatever you want me
to feel bad about today.

sorry.

guess i'm
unfeeling.

There's a funny part about life
That you only notice
When you've seen hellish things
At too young an age.
When you tell your therapist(s)
"Oh, I'm only 21."
When they ask your age,
And then they shake their head
Because
"That's too much for you to have
Been through
At such a young age."

And then he asks
"When did the __ happen?"

And you respond with
"Well, there were multiple. Lasted over a span of five years."

His eyes go wide,
"How do you trust anyone?"

"Trust? Ha! Not anymore, sorry bud. I'm just honest."
I laugh, trying to sound lighthearted.
I sound cynical.
I sound bitter.

But this was two weeks ago.

And today suddenly
Trust is coursing through my veins
And I'm confused, and concerned
Because I don't get attached.
I don't let people in.
I stopped doing that a long time ago.

First person in three years that I let in,
Left without a good bye.
Then the first person I let in
In seven ****** years
Tried so very hard
To shatter me like the glass he thought I was.
Silly little boy,
Silly little, foolish boy,
I am not glass.
I am iron,
I am steel,
I am petrified bone
That will break your fist
If you try to break me.

And now, the person I trusted
And let in
About eleven years ago in September,
Is the person I am letting in
Once more.

And it's different this time.
We're not kids.
It's not platonic,
It's not looking at each other
On a bad day and thinking
"Thank God, my friend is here. Everything is okay now."

Instead we're adults,
And it's miserable.
And it's romantic but fun,
And it's looking at each other on a good day and thinking
"Dear God, am I lucky."

It's like even on fairly clear days,
Everything is a little brighter.
A little more colorful.
All weights
A little lighter.

And these things you've seen
That I've seen
And that we've been through
It would destroy some people,
But I truly believe
That having been through hell and back
Heaven can't be too far off,
Especially not when heaven
Is being held in your arms.

Manic Depression means a lot of things.
It means when I'm up, I'm way up.
It means when I'm down, I'm way, way down.

My PTSD makes me *** repulsed,
And my manic depression gives me an excess desire for ***,
And my demisexuality makes me only want that
With you.

With manic depression,
There's lots of unwanted thoughts,
And destruction on my self esteem,
And a false sense of superiority all at once.

And my generalized anxiety disorder
Makes me hyper-vigilant,
And repeatedly going over unwanted thoughts.

And my major depression,
It makes me lose my appetite,
It causes slowness in my activity,
Y'know,
All that usual exhaustion.

But I guess the thing is,
If I can pick myself back up
From complex PTSD and the other plethora of things,
I guess I'll be okay.

It can be difficult, but it's the best I can do.

I can only be the best I can be,
And I'm still working on that.

Call me selfish,
Scream it in my face,
Spraying saliva across my tears.
Accuse me of wanting to fight.

I spread myself too thin,
I ignore my needs
Because I want to care for other people
So badly.

I want to care so much
For everyone.
I want to make them smile,
And I hate making them cry.
I don't relish
Making others feel bad.
And I don't understand
Why others are cruel
It just doesn't make sense.

And I'll rack my brain
And cry over the cruelty
Others exhibit
But it's not worth a thing.

And I'm wanting to make you smile,
Because making other people feel better
Makes me feel better,
And I know that's a selfish reason,
But why not?

I hope I can make you feel better,
Make you laugh or smile,
Because bad things don't last,
They can't.

And my friends always ask me
"You're always here for me,
You always spread yourself so thin,
Who's going to be there for you?"

And I laughed and laughed
My way to the hospital.

And I'm trying so hard
To make others smile,
And some people try so hard
To bring me down.

And you've brought me down.

Call me selfish.

I can feel the nausea and distaste
Pooling like blood from a wound in my mouth.

Spit and flush,
Brush my teeth,
Ignore the flashback creeping in the corner of my mind,
Because girls weren't people to you,
They were triumphs,
Beasts to have wrestled with and overcome.

And it makes me feel
The exact opposite of clean
Knowing you fooled me.

And as I'm scrubbing dishes in my mother's kitchen,
I make sure to scrub my hands with the rougher side of the sponge too.

When the hot water shuts off,
The cold of this virus
Hits me like a ton of bricks
And I see all these dark parts of myself,
And it twists like a knife in my stomach,
When I realize how much I hate you.

Bouncing between indifference and hatred,
The whiplash makes me nauseous.
I want to light your favorite shirt on fire,
Since you left it with me.
And I'm going to send the necklace back to your mom,
And the ring back to your brother,
Because neither thing was yours.

I don't deserve
To be reminded
That you were a part of my life,
And that part of my life was a lie.

I'm trying to pull through
An anxiety attack
So I type away
And hope to God it doesn't get much worse
Than a few labored breaths.

I can feel this virus
In the back of my throat,
Wrapping around my windpipe.

And with a few forced breaths
And dry eyes,
I push the sickening feelings
Back down my throat,
And this takes a turn now,
Because I just texted my Bluebird,
And all of a sudden I'm explaining almost-anxiety attacks
And we're talking about Pokemon Crystal,
Which he's playing on his phone.

And I ask him to promise,
And so he promises me
That he's not going anywhere.
And I'm crying because for the first time
In my entire life,
I believe someone when they make that promise.

And it hits me
Like a ton of bricks,
I'm okay.
I'm okay.

How you can love me
Even with my moods,
Even with my short temper,
No matter how just or unjust.
That you can love me
Almost because of my laughing at my own jokes
A little too hard,
Or finding stupid little things
A little too funny.

How you can love me,
Even when I'm too tired to properly say goodbye
To you in the morning.
When my nightmares wake me up,
And then I proceed to wake you up.
How you can love me
Maybe despite all my scars and wounds,
Or maybe even because of them.

I just find it so crazy,
That you love me.

But I've learned to accept it,
That maybe I'm worthy of the love
I keep trying to give.
That being
The unconditional,
Comforting,
Appreciative,
Finally being home,
And finally being free,
Kind of love.

And that's how you make me feel.
Worthy, and comforted, and like I'm finally home and finally free.

I couldn't be more grateful if I tried.

Maybe i'm just drunk
But it seems i'm just a bother.
I thought you liked me better
When i'm buzzed
But you won't even speak to me
And why does it always go like this?

I honestly don't care
That you're distracted by your game
And i honestly don't care
That when i try to not pay attention to you
You suddenly want my attention.

It sobers me up
Off that giggly buzz
When you ignore me.

So thanks,
You're a literal buzz ****.

Maybe i'm just drunk,
Or i'm just unappealing.
Maybe i'm just drunk
But you could pay me some mind.

And maybe i'm just drunk,
But i'm not just a fly on the wall.