When I have no mirror
And my thoughts run free
I am suddenly a monster
and no longer me

When I'm surrounded by a crowd
My bones splinter out
My elbows bend backwards
And my voice is a shout

Though I know it's not true
I know I'm no beast
Voices race through my head
And greedily they feast

I'll bend over forwards
To cave into my chest
To make myself smaller
So maybe they'll rest

And when I'm finally home
No that cant be
In the mirror I look
Unable to see

Who is that kid
Whose eyes I see
How pretty he is
But that's not me

I'm tired of being someone.
Instead, I want to be something.

I want to be the creak in your floorboards at night; the time it takes for you to convince yourself it's just the house settling. Nothing is wrong.

I want to be the dogs barking in the lot across the street. What are they barking at? I cant see anything.

I want to be the howls outside your window, knocking to come inside. It's just the wind, just a tree branch, no one is awake this time of night.

Did you remember to lock the door?

You're a monster

Grotesque and ravenous
clawing your way through my guts and into my stomach
ripping up my throat and out my mouth as gritted teeth and pointed curses

You're disgusting

Plaguing my flesh like a disease
rotting my skin slowly
decaying inside me before leaking out my eyes

Why are you even here?

To add insult to injury?

I've met you once before
two years ago oh so sweetly you came to me bearing fruits of lace and jewel
creeping up on me as death does to the meek

You're a sickness

Painful and dreary
get away from me and stay away I beg
but somehow you always come back like a hungry dog
again to shred away at my well being

Why are you here?

Back again so soon, Jealousy?

if I can not comfort you
then let me cry with you

if I can not be your gravity
then let me float with you

if I can not hold you
then let me love you

if I can not help you
then please I ask
let me suffer with you

you're beautiful

you're full of dull voices and screams and pure gorgeous distorted noise
and it's beautiful

you're beautiful

you give me tiny smiles and silly jokes and you sing out your heart just for me
and you're beautiful

you are a blessing

your smile grants me happiness
your voice lulls me to sleep
your jokes make me laugh

if I was surviving before
now i am living

however

you will be a curse

the empty space you'll leave
the smiles I will no longer get
the voice I'll get to hear but only through a prerecorded interview
the jokes you'll make for everyone but me

if I was living when I had you
I'll die when you leave

what is there for me to do but create

what do I have but the words in my mind and the color in my limbs

a pressure builds behind my eyes and down my throat

screams and cries of lyrics and rhythm pollute the air
pastels and stomach acid splatter onto a canvas

I cry and cry because what is there for me to do but create

I see so often
others happy alongside their love
saying love saved them

I hear so often
others asking me who I'm into
if I have a crush or want a lover

I used to be okay alone
I needed to love myself before I could love another
I wasnt searching for happiness in love

But these days I feel

                      l o n e l y

I dont need someone else to love me
I don't want someone else to hold me
I'm fine by myself

What I want is to love someone else
These days i find myself not caring about anyone
I want to feel affection towards the world around me

I want my heart to jump out of my chest and latch onto the next person I see

I want

I want

Maybe I want to drown in petals

Just like back in 9th grade
The last time I remember loving someone else
To no prevail I fell in love

I beat myself
Burned myself and scratched myself
Ripped myself apart for her

And I want it back

To suffocate helplessly in the delicate blooms of unrequited affection
To fall asleep covered in a sick mixture of ****** tears
To destroy myself for the sake of someone else

Oh to be in love

I used to call myself a poet

When I would sit down and type away
Following a meter and setting the rhyme
Throwing up my emotions onto a screen

I also used to call myself a writer

Back when I used to write and edit and publish for hours
Putting plots together and creating characters
Sharing my skills for others to enjoy

I once called myself an artist

I would sketch in notebooks and paint in pages
Mixing colors and blending into sunsets
Putting my thoughts into pictures

I used to call myself a musician

In a time I would create melodies and bend the air
Plucking stings along with the beat and bowing to the harmony
Singing with my heart in mind

I used to call myself many things

But these days I don't find myself calling me anything
Unlike before sonnets no longer bloom in my head
Stories don't flow from my fingertips
My emotions don't ball up and fall onto paper like they used to
I no longer bend the air to create sound

Now I call myself nothing

Creating nothing, saying nothing, doing nothing
I am nothing

how sweet it sounds
to find our own little paradise
with just us
living in ecstasy

cloud nine

I wish I could find
my way to you
I can't give up
no matter the cost

cloud nine

can we find our district
with only us
or will you
leave me again

cloud nine

I've said it once
I'll say it again
I'm doing good
but I could be better

cloud nine

how sweet it would be
if we could be together
our own placebo
our own side effects

cloud nine

you were my oasis in a desert
you were the light that cast shadows
you were the small thing that mattered

I always knew I would lose you
I knew the day would come
but I never knew that it would be so soon

I know you'll be back
you said it yourself
but still I miss you

and still I mourn
for who I haven't yet lost

little paper cranes
hang in my mind
if you look close enough
you might even find

a new one appears
every single day
and for some reason
I don't know what to say

maybe just maybe
those little paper cranes
will fold into
little paper planes

to fly over the sea
and across country farms
to find their way
into your arms

because little paper cranes
hang in my mind
for you to one day search for
and for you to one day find

walking upon a star
I feel it's warmth
I see it's light
but then I realize
I'm stuck
and when my legs finally work
the star has burnt out

Everyone feels it

The constant itch in your arms and legs that screams for just one more cut to be made

The distant buzzing that's always there but never clear enough for you to pinpoint where it comes from

The whispers that speak to you in the most normal of situations about how you're wrong and bad and only hurt those around you

The gaping emptiness that engulfs your heart and soul leaving you with nothing but a shattering corpse

The clawing in your throat that begs to feel just some kind emotion for once in your life

The way your stomach grumbles miserably for you to feed it but it can never keep anything down anyways

The dread that sits in the back of your mind when you realize you'll have to wear short sleeves

The sinking of your heart when someone jokes about harming or purging, about mentality or sexuality, or about taking ones own life

But everyone feels it

right?

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Time goes by
And I miss you

Just like me
The flowers grew
But soon they wilted
Just like you

You were sweet
This I knew
Like an addiction
I loved you

Now the roses are dead
The violets are too
The garden's all gone
And so are you

Your flowers died
I did too
Because all along
I was you

In my lungs
Flowers grew
But after it all
I don't love you

Like a line
Cast to sea
Trying to catch
A memory

I don't know
What I feel
When the things i see
Aren't even real

I can't get this taste out of my mouth,
the bitterness of regret and fear.

I'm so scared of the consequences.

what have I done? why?

I was so upset that I didn't even pay attention.

as I put a knife to my skin,  i looked away and thought nothing of it.

But when my eyes met back with my leg, I realized how much deeper I cut than normal. how much blood as pouring out of my flesh.

and for some reason, after cleaning the blood, everything stood still.

No pain, no blood, but tears and anxiety and the feeling of overwhelming dizziness.

When I realized what was happening I was already rushing to the bathroom. my stomach trying to push out its last meal.

and in the end I just covered it up as I would any other small cut.

the bitterness still resides in the back of my throat and runs through my mouth.

and the tears threaten to spill as I sit behind my unknowing parents.

But I can't say anything

Holding a knife to my skin
I hoped for the relief
that I would normally receive

But I closed my eyes and
my hand moved faster,
harder than normal

When I looked at my skin
I realized that maybe
I should have kept my eyes open

I screamed through a screen
to anyone that could possibly help
but no one answered my cries

Panic rose up in my throat
and before I knew it
I was running through the halls

Sitting in front of toilet
my stomach was trying to
push up my last meal

But when nothing happened
I fell back
And let the tears fall

You say I'm wasting my time
falling for these people
that live a galaxy away

You say I'm wasting my time
smiling for these people
that I can't even understand

You say I'm wasting my time
learning about these people
that don't even care about me

You say I'm wasting my time
waiting for these people
that won't ever know my name

You say I'm wasting my time
trying to find these people
that are hidden in a screen

And I know I'm wasting my time
falling for these people
that live a galaxy away

I know I'm wasting my time
smiling for these people
that I can't even understand

I know I'm wasting my time
learning about these people
that don't even care about me

I know I'm wasting my time
waiting for these people
that won't ever know my name

I know I'm wasting my time
trying to find these people
that are hidden in a screen

But by wasting my time
on these people
I find new happiness everyday

And I need all the happiness
that I can get

At age 2 she learned to walk
She would run into everyone's arms
She loved giving and receiving hugs

   At age 4 she learned to speak
A bit of a late bloomer
She said "I love you"
to everyone she met

   At age 5 she went to kindergarten
She made so many new friends and they all loved her

   At age 7 she had her first "boy friend"
A young boy in her class
They played everyday at recess

   At and 10 she loved to go to school
Good grades and many friends was all she needed in life

   At age 12 she went to middle school and every other girl was taller than her
She wished she were taller

   At age 13 she started reading beauty articles
She realized how fat her cheeks really were

   At age 15 she thought she had depression
"It's just a phase of life"
Her parents didn't believe her

   At are 16 she first cut
A small blade to her skin
She thought it was the best medicine

   At age 18 she wanted to die
Life wasn't worth the pain anymore
She overdosed in the bathroom

   At age 18 she died
Her parents finally realized they should have done more
Her friends realized they should have asked why she no longer smiled
Her classmates realized they should have stopped teasing her

   At age 18 she went back home to the sky
Perhaps she was an angel all along

Thank you for never loving me, living without your love made me live in  pain.

   Thank you for never needing me, living without meaning made me hate myself.

   Thank you for telling me I was never good enough, living as a burden taught me that life is worthless.

   Thank you for never caring about me, living in the darkness of my room hid my scars.

   Most of all, Thank you for leaving me, dying alone freed me from this world.