When I have no mirror
And my thoughts run free
I am suddenly a monster
and no longer me

When I'm surrounded by a crowd
My bones splinter out
My elbows bend backwards
And my voice is a shout

Though I know it's not true
I know I'm no beast
Voices race through my head
And greedily they feast

I'll bend over forwards
To cave into my chest
To make myself smaller
So maybe they'll rest

And when I'm finally home
No that cant be
In the mirror I look
Unable to see

Who is that kid
Whose eyes I see
How pretty he is
But that's not me

I'm tired of being someone.
Instead, I want to be something.

I want to be the creak in your floorboards at night; the time it takes for you to convince yourself it's just the house settling. Nothing is wrong.

I want to be the dogs barking in the lot across the street. What are they barking at? I cant see anything.

I want to be the howls outside your window, knocking to come inside. It's just the wind, just a tree branch, no one is awake this time of night.

Did you remember to lock the door?

You're a monster

Grotesque and ravenous
clawing your way through my guts and into my stomach
ripping up my throat and out my mouth as gritted teeth and pointed curses

You're disgusting

Plaguing my flesh like a disease
rotting my skin slowly
decaying inside me before leaking out my eyes

Why are you even here?

To add insult to injury?

I've met you once before
two years ago oh so sweetly you came to me bearing fruits of lace and jewel
creeping up on me as death does to the meek

You're a sickness

Painful and dreary
get away from me and stay away I beg
but somehow you always come back like a hungry dog
again to shred away at my well being

Why are you here?

Back again so soon, Jealousy?

if I can not comfort you
then let me cry with you

if I can not be your gravity
then let me float with you

if I can not hold you
then let me love you

if I can not help you
then please I ask
let me suffer with you

you're beautiful

you're full of dull voices and screams and pure gorgeous distorted noise
and it's beautiful

you're beautiful

you give me tiny smiles and silly jokes and you sing out your heart just for me
and you're beautiful

you are a blessing

your smile grants me happiness
your voice lulls me to sleep
your jokes make me laugh

if I was surviving before
now i am living

however

you will be a curse

the empty space you'll leave
the smiles I will no longer get
the voice I'll get to hear but only through a prerecorded interview
the jokes you'll make for everyone but me

if I was living when I had you
I'll die when you leave