Do my words satisfy anyone?
Not you,not me.
Writing for satisfaction is not an option.
I write for expression.
For description.
For discovery,
For decryption.
For fantasy,
For religion,
For analogy,
For inscription.
For acknowledgement,
And for knowledge.
For rendition,
For depiction.
For sleep,
And resurrection.

You call me sunshine
and there are days I'd believe it,
but others I don't.

When my mind is so cloudy
I can't think at all
or when I process far too much
and it clashes in thunderous claps,
or when my tears block my view,
pouring, dribbling into its final trickle,
you say it.
How could you call me sunshine then?

You mean to say that behind all that,
nothing changes?
Surely an object cannot be an object if its properties change.

Yet you have the audacity to say otherwise,
that I can still be sunshine even when the night has fallen,
and the stars take my place,
because who else would illuminate the moon had it not been true?

So maybe I'll believe you.

I lied every time I said I'd never leave 
Then again so did she
But now she's happier without me
And I'm still struggling to find a reason.
A reason to live, a reason to smile,
A reason to find hope for at least a short while.

But her love for me has died, 
my hope dying with it.
And believe me I have tried,
To take life and just live it.

Yet how can I without any hope
See without her I just can't cope.
I tried to move on but to no avail, 
Can't make it to shore without wind in the sail.

Now I'm stranded at sea
 alone and in pain
While she trades her love for me
With a feeling of disdain.

I wish I could go back, 
I wish I could change,
Change all the facts
Before becoming estranged.

I'm separated from life 
With nowhere to go.
Suffering in strife 
If she could just know.

But I know there's not a chance 
In changing her mind 
I can try to make recompense 
But I'll just waste my time.

So time I do waste,
Since there's nothing else I can do
But I must make haste
As she's already found someone new.

Yet I don't even know if that's the case
None of it could be real, it could all be lies,
This all started with a rumor in the first place
To come across another should be no surprise.

How shall I keep living everyday like I'm uncertain
Of what I will find sitting behind the curtain
It will never be pleasant only full of pain,
I can't see any way out where I get to gain.

Will I ever find out, will I ever move on
Or will I continue to find doubt in each new coming dawn?
For though sunrise is so beautiful it just reminds me about her
No, I think I'll keep on holding, yes of that I'm pretty sure.

I will remain loyal to her when to me she is not
And remember all the times she has so easily forgot.
Why does the "right thing" seem to be so wrong?
By the time I change my mind will it have been too long?

5/26/14

babe
i thought it was me
the girl in your dreams
--through your lonely sleep
the one you held so close to your chest
i thought it was me
--you're feeling for

behind all my thoughts was all your thoughts about her

You know not of what you do
It's a play in my thoughts that I act out where you love me and I love you
We have a bond irreplaceable and akin to the spark of a fire
Taller and taller the tips of the orange skyscrapers spread until they burn the sky with the lies in my head
I'm used to the feel of your fingers through mine though we've never held hands
The sensation of arms wrapped around me that aren't necessarily there
And when you said "I'm not that kind of guy," I couldn't help but cry
In my mind I've embraced you so many times, I kept asking myself how could this be my fourth crime?
All I can do is bite my lip and suppress the roaring in my chest of anger and distress
Because our relationship was a dream I had during a night where I never fell to rest

when you’re here with me
we are up all night
when you’re not by my side, i can’t sleep
funny how the day you walked in my life
was the day i became an insomniac
{j.c.c.}