i’m not really familiar with that feeling
“happiness” you call it?
what is that and what does it really mean?

i know whatever it is,
i fake it all too well
makes me wonder
how many of you are good fakers too

sometimes
a touch suffocates me

it builds upon the barricade
that separates me from myself  
& myself from sovereignty

other times, it's a quaint reminder
that (un)loneliness is there
if i want it

-they- come in waves
dark shadows
among the daylight

haven't they been
drenched in the darkness for long enough?

armed with egos and weapons
first -they- stand in front of you
then -they- plow through you

a moronic display
of the truth that they’re screaming

i've felt your arms around me before;
many times at that,
only pulling you close
when i was afraid that you'd leave

but only once or twice
would i call it a hug
and it's not because i didn't want to,
believe me, i did
but the touch of another human
startles me most,
when i see that it's coming

allowing myself
to be intertwined in another's arms
sends my body into a battle with euphoria
having to decide;
am i trapped
or am i free

you’re trailing behind me
like the past, it’s haunting me
unbeknownst to me
i was being watched
separated by two feet;
space and your resistance
that’s what’s keeping you from me
but you know where I go
when i need a clear head
giving into the resistance
you show up in red;
red so i can see you
no matter how far i go
some kind of game you play
so you don’t lose hope
this may all just be a delusion
that’s how it usually goes
maybe i’m the crazy one
but who really knows?

people seem to forget
how tiring it is;
telling your story from the beginning,
reliving all those moments;
even the ones you forgot
but still carry with you
so many hours to invest
just to bring a stranger up to date,
so they can understand why you are
the way you are
and why you fear
the things you fear

i’ve always had an aversion to crowded spaces
it's not something i enjoy
and how can i
when my mind is crowded too

the more people that surround me,
the more i’m aware i exist

eyes meet mine and watch me as i move
i look away after that
so their hands can’t hurt me
and their hearts can’t love me

i fall back into the shadows
leaving one crowd, for another
self-sabotage, they call it
having no intention to change

always between two fires
getting burned either way