i’ve always had an aversion to crowded spaces
it's not something i enjoy
and how can i
when my mind is crowded too

the more people that surround me,
the more i’m aware i exist

eyes meet mine and watch me as i move
i look away after that
so their hands can’t hurt me
and their hearts can’t love me

i fall back into the shadows
leaving one crowd, for another
self-sabotage, they call it
having no intention to change

always between two fires
getting burned either way

how
can i find
my way
out of your arms
when
your eyes
are asking me
to stay

i let my hair down for you
because that's how you like it
tousled in my face
imitating life's chaos
a chaos we cling to
because we don't know any different

still telling ourselves
that we crave stability
but we know how the story goes
seeking comfort
loathing change
forgetting that our comfort lies in pain

imposters we've become
pawns in our own game
having yet to learn
that bliss only follows
those who let go

enduring a new kind of angst
but only for a moment
then letting it pass
and living to adore it

i found the white flag you gave me
hidden in the trash
that's where i put it
just a few years ago

it was still packaged nicely
folded at every crease
it's such an eloquent way
to admit defeat

it's color was bright
and plain as can be
filled with nothingness
just like you thought of we

holding it in my hands,
you tell me to surrender
but that i can't do
for i'd be a pretender

i started writing in all lower case
because capital letters were too much
too heavy
and too proper

marking the start of a thought
that's what they're supposed to do
but when i think about emotion
and conveying what's in my mind
there's no clear beginning
and never an end either

these words are just as they are
they manifest my thoughts
at least to some degree
and they showcase my emotion
in this moment at least

i want to use these words
these symbols of life
just how i picture them
and just how i feel them

maybe you see it differently
and i would expect that much
because if we all had the same mind
i don't think we'd crave each other's touch

we can be at the same places
at the same times
but no two people
will ever experience it the same
one mind sees chaos
another is at peace
one sees growth
another is dormant
which one sees clearly;
if either at all?
perhaps both only live in a cloud of obscurity
each guarded in their own way
too close to see actuality
& embroiling what is simple
nevertheless
they choose to walk away
at odds with themselves & the world as they see it

we gravitate towards pretty things;
butterflies
and flowers,
but the ugly things
we hate
ants and beetles,
all insects alike
but we are quick to fling them away
killing them with one stomp
but when a butterfly lands on our shoulder
we take it as good luck

if the world didn't teach us
that we have to be pretty
if we want to be loved
would we still be petrified
of the creatures that surround us?