Lost for words -
Still I try
years have passed
& gone away
Rest in peace
A forgotten face
Etched in stone
Embered pain
Her ash long stained
My soul
Alone, alive disgraced
First love
First loss
My cross to bare
yet, no one knows
Just me and my ghosts

Rinse off in the rain
Same story insane
Told again and again
A close romance with death I blame
Life; and though it’s priceless - I’m broke with no change
I wish I had the guts to take the leap and end this silly circus
Still I’m trying not to notice that i must have missed my purpose
If i die from laziness, my hernia from work will
Serve as a reminder some important things are worthless
Dedication when misplaced is a test not worthwhile grading
Looking back to waste more time on memories I’m facing
Somehow, will slow down the clock, my cowardly replacements
Kept yesterday’s like bite sized snacks unwrapped left just littered basements
Depression gives a lesson that is better left unlearned
I have no gifts peers wish I’d give, just random seeds that need no dirt

I love to see her smile, though I rarely smile back
I doubled up my *** and then I tripled up my Jack
Grabbed a pack of cigarettes
Like cancers what I lack
Told her I'd return when the devil's off my back
She said she'd leave the porch light on, and I love this girl for that

Isn't this what you wanted -
This voice, does it help?
No matter, what's been written -
Best keep it to yourself
Your words, yes you with the pen -
Tell truths best unsent, let it die
You opened this door,
To a world made to hide
Friends who knew better
Gone, left you behind
Family, leave them
Less burdened by whys
Madness, you have it -
They need not admire
Talk to yourself
Alone they are fine
I said, talk to yourself
Alone they're just fine

Write me off, that's fine - if I'm honest, your eyes are not why I've bled blue on loose leaf for all these years.
I gave away a rough draft of my life and skipped the polish - yeah, I get that I'll never be published, and to you, my words likely look like incoherent ******* because I'd surely be full on illiterate if it wasn't for spellcheck & this stupid heart of mine.
My goal wasn't to be relatable (it was always for me so I could go back if and when I needed a reason to breathe I'd reread to see how far I've come) and so (I have no grand delusions of "success" or even dreams of recognition) I know I will never be a great writer -
A lonely man's truth has never been a valuable commodity.
I just wanted to let you know that I've seen your poetry & it's simply beautiful in all it's intricate complexities -
and mine is what it's always been (and bare with me now, as I attempt a metaphor) my ol' trusty lifejacket.
It just helps keep me from sinking all the way down to rockbottom.

Thank you all for sharing, I like to think I have a good idea what your words mean to you - and for some of us they might just mean everything.

And for now, I'll leave you with this


Dear Poet,
If you ever feel the urge to give up, just remember that if you do, everything you went through will have been for another man's (or woman's) kindling.

all in all, i loved the fall
forgot to stop
afraid to stall
walls i made to guard my heart
broken now - both torn apart
delayed disdain i fail to start
vertigo reversed to show
i'm alive but only ghosts
remain - insane, i keep them close

I must admit, my ego gets the best of me
More often than I care to tell
I dwell on things I can't control
Fall along with crowds I can’t escape
I hate this
Paperless prose I’ve found
Isolation made me strange perhaps
If I leave now will these walls fall down?
I beat myself up , she belittles me while
I gave her my heart I have nothing now

the art of hellos
& crushing goodbyes
tell me i'm dreaming
awoken to die
i killed myself years ago
none noticed, (no) not one i'm afraid
i kept the water running afloat
with the power and net prepaid

Best try & impress her with a lesser intention
Karma's seen me digress to a non worthwhile mention
Trade me your burdens (I'll take the whole lot)
I will not complain, the pain made me strong
Ruined your day just to make an excuse
[&] Leave you unchained from thoughts that I've got
**** me with those words that cure me for now
Love me never (I'm better off gone)

..and then it hit me like she used to do
We cant go back if we wanted to
Never lived worthwhile
Never knew we'd do --
Nothing much
Relax
Til were old enough
With a patch of grass
Pitch a tent and lie
With a handful of **** the pain
Wash down these pills with a gallon of rye

Fickle me, sick of these nickels and dimes
I do less to change me, I'm just here to die
Hoping she finds me, impossibly fine
Told her I am okay, please, leave me inside
I just need some rest, I woke up real tired -
Really, dont worry - I'll see you tonight.
Smile for the camera, make sure it's wide
Pain in my chest, says 'I hate you- you liar'
Context, I can't stress it's leftover pride
Dinner, I missed it - still dishes seem higher
Can't seem to fix this so I set that aside
Retire, required to drop her a line
- no less than two texts 'I love you' I find
Is best to send first, as to fetch no reply -
Give her a bit, or maybe, a while
Next I send 'raincheck, I promise' this time
I've run out of reasons, believe me - I'm trying
Though everything hurts, it was worthwhile for mine
Blinds are low so I'm alone -
So sorry while I hide
Unattached, i forgot her laugh
Imagine my surprise -
She texts me last 'I love you back.
Sweet dreams and good night'
Too late for me to tell the truth
Much less make things right
Tomorrow, maybe, compose some peace of mind
Messy blessings, unattended still alive
& a loss I couldn't stand to lose, please, let me down to die
None can change the face  I see when looking her eyes
& I fear her near me - alone, just her and I
Would only bring her close to me - my pain, my claims, insane we'd try
Better left unsaid I guess, even if only for tonight

I hope you're happy
She said                        (she lied)
In crowds she's laughing
Alone she cries
I cope while asking
Please, **** me kindly
Don't show        (mask me)
What you find

Fortunately for me
I forgive you
Tortured intestines
Twisting obsessions
Life is changing
& people grieve change
Leaving love behind (in favor of inclusion - memorialized by comment sections)
All alone I cloned our burdens
Told myself your faults were somehow mine to bare aswell
I forgave you -

Will it help?
I really hope it helps

I might just disappear
Hollow Man
Abracadabra Deborah
We're gone
Sad songs drown me
Memories I allow
This is lost & found
Not show and tell
Lessons learnt me
Texts still hurt left unsent
I fell asleep and failed to call
In the morning I learned she left
And never ever coming back

I’m less reckless than I once was
I love this messy house
My couch is broken
But it still reclines
I find at times my mood declines &
I write
Blood on the walls from last night's fist fight
God bless my opposition Jesus knows they need him
Don’t think I’m being conceited
Truth is I hate me more than you ever could, believe this  -
Clueless people complain I make them nervous
But I can't explain how much it hurts to know you're worthless
Still I try &
Write
My life is a casket I purchased from Costco  (cheap)
I laugh out loud til my sides hurt and also
fall asleep on backroads - alone at the wheel
just to feel something other then sorry

Resentments I bought with the last of my wage
Paid for in full still I owe her some change
Reluctantly propose another misguided truce
Stuck in a loop of mutual abuse
When i leave she finds pain only i can relieve (or so she pleads and claims)
I return to find more hurt in exchange for her relief
I wave a white flag
Save a bit of face (or at least just mask some shame)  
Tomorrow might i find a way to hate her same as she has shown today?
So, maybe, when she begs again for me to return to her or stay - i can draw some strength before it’s gone on and on so long that fate finds it’s too late —
To find respect in my reflection as i mirror old mistakes - impossible, and it seems I need not only leave her as I’ve escaped a thousand times and time and time again results have proven plain as day that I’m hopeless and insane- i need to forgive myself for how i feel and felt (find faith in me again)
Admit that this was never love and above all stay away

Word to the wise, were here to survive
Quick to surrender,  December will die
Remember me fondly
Recovering mine
Gone from this day
Wronged for my time
Livid were living
Hateful for why
Love is a sentence
No word can define
Learning to give when nobody cares
Earning to live and so why even try
Words too unwise, most would or will derive
Wits known to cover, another lost - once mine

Who knew the truth was just a noose wrapped up
Post mortem bruises, I'm ruined
I hope; in vain
I cope with me
Set free
Now I'm alone and clueless
Rhyming why with no one cares

If you want some context for my last text best to ask my next ex then my last one again next
Maskless just like way back, i missed that yet I’m seeing sides which  i wish i could forget
Mixed with the definite scent of yesterday’s ******-breath
One look of regret and then it turns to a threat
Maybe it’s me, maybe not (I’m perplexed  - is it worth the broken life that’s mine i die to save by getting out alive meanwhile my loved ones wish me dead)
No one need change - best guess we best just leave alone, strangers instead we both find love with another without each other’s ghosts
I wished them all well and all the while they wish me so much less

I
Give  Take
III          I
She
Lives  for free from fake love
I digress
We
Hate this
Almost as much as
We
Hate us

I meet in the middle having made half of the mess with my neglect - my best guess:
I’ll be left with less than i request when I swallow what pride that i have left for a chance to protect
all those lies of love she spun from spite and her need to be perceived as right -
No fight is worth the loss of time we waste on hate to feed our egos we go way too far to ever find ground equal

Last night broke me
I’m coping though I hope you know
I came to be this loner so
I could breathe you see it’s not enough
Equal grief I preached
The liars listened
Seasons greet me with warm intentions
Guess we side on old affections
Leave the light on
Porch lit mentions
Sent my last text
Mixed up guessing
Can't connect with no exceptions
Ex Mr Worthwhile my lone exemption
That place in your heart its callous this section
Remember before life blindsided me
I could see the whole world in your eyes
Now all I see is contempt

The plan was simple enough to picture
Drink till I don't miss her
Dreams they come to taunt me
Caught my silent wanting
Truth be told I trust to much
Break me down to build you up
Season's changing gives me greif
Warn me - winter's still asleep
We dream alone
Of summer
A cold, unfunny joke
The punchline is the sunshine
We laughed till we awoke
Alone together
Me and winter
A recluse, abused and cold

Long forgotten rotten needs
Return to burn when we believe  
We are free from yesterday
Learning lazy save me please
Grave dreams chase me - crazy scenes    
Face me Satan - vacancies    
In my conscience waiting brief
Miss me maybe we could be
Alone apart -- a heart to bleed

This is my dedication to depression
All the lessons learnt from unsent messages
Regrets to blessings
I remember everything
I used to sing T. Swift's junk
To see you smile and lift you up
Now i talk to walls in hopes im not alone
Who knows how crazy feels? I know -
I lost a piece of me when you had to leave
Rest in peace - you made me the best me
I've always been so proud of you
That will never change hope somehow you know it
Still, i suppose we'll all be sad for a moment
Til we all laugh together again, a toast -
I'm thankful for the pain that keeps you close

Dearest friend (I've yet to meet),

Who was I kidding?
As if I somehow missed the message --
Childish, my reply sent said:

'shoot! I'm sorry - I must have forgot to hit send'

- I'm the loser who let you wonder for a minute if I meant it (but don't give another thought) a moment longer you'll realize.. I'm lying, I'm a liar (spoiler alert)

I hate to break it to you, today, I really couldn't care less  - yesterday you were all I had left, tomorrow maybe fate will finally bless me, find me dead as I felt inside since I can remember and I'll be at peace with knowing I left you alone.... 
I know, I know.....
We talked for hours, I told you who i really was.. that was just a test - when u got back to me I honestly  almost instantly lost all interest. (Caught a catch 22)
Listen closely (or rather, read carefully) you know I said I love you and that is still the truth (for what its worth, you're welcome) but what you may not know is that i resented you for the fact that you said you love me back (believe me it hurts to say the truth) so my reaction may seem a bit unexpected, know I know I left you with less than you deserve - but this was the only gift I could afford.


I'm unavailable & miserable with the mess I've made for me (trauma tethered me to someone I will never take the leap to try to be me with)

Ask around you'll find my reputation is deplorable - I only ever take (and take and take) 
-- kind of like taxes, most people HATE taxes (no matter how necessary they may be)

I was never meant to be so painfully average - i was born of greatness (trust me, my folks were basicly the best) nurtured my mediocrity on purpose to avoid the pressures of the "life" i should have (could have) led - you say it's not too late - 
Satan's screaming 'she's a liar, you're a waste, take her, keep her here with us'
I look to Christ for sage advice -
'You best just keep your distance, shes a lover but she knows not what she says - she speaks from a place you've never really been welcome - and if she knew everything you took from her, remember, she's only human, and..well.. I think you understand..'
He was right, I know - (Lucifer's a ****, despite the fact he's generally always atleast half right)
You're too beautiful - my reflection is hideous..
I resist all kinship, we could have shared because love hurts so much (or so I've witnessed) 
when goodbyes 
(Even those one might call over due) 
Sneak up and bite us, we are the ****** and cursed the worst and best of us survivors - alike (this is a fact, even if they never ever find common ground sturdy enough to build on, it's there - everyone feels pain from loss -- and the amount of pain between mortals is suprisingly more irrelevant than it is relative)
and we will feel loss, all of us (even the unloved and especially the forgotten)
Someone is always left behind,
I would do anything to outlive all my loved ones (and so I sought immortality) - because I know how it feels to lose them (the gifted, the gone-to-soons) and know this, loneliness scares me a hell of a lot less than transfering pain (undoing all the happiness I meant to spread from my plastic bag filled with good intentions) to some poor soul whose silly enough to feel for me even half of what I felt for them.

I regret this profession I was given - every day it gets harder to convince myself that I'm a good guy, just trying to do my job. Someone has to do it and from what I can tell: 
gods plan is just a rough draft, edited frequently and it's up to no one to really understand it, and yet, everything revolves around it. 
.. and I mean everything. 
Including me,
The Reaper (although, I dislike the title because it insinuates I am absolutely the only one like me.
I often fantasize that I am one of many others, 
maybe they're on other planets or different planes who knows..but I can tell you with absolute certainty that I've yet to meet another like me.)

I guess we all have a purpose - is what I'm trying to say.
Anyway, I should run.. I have a million and some odd funerals to attend this week alone. 


Signed sincerely -
Your friend,
Death

P.s. I will wait for you, there's really no rush for us to meet ♡

Muddy blood bath
Hold your tongue
Life and death
Told bold as love
Hate me now
Beset your sun
Curtains are clouds
Beneath me now

I wanted to die this time last year
Humbug, my love’s gone - the same as my cheer
I keep meeting women quick to wish me away
Then they cry & claim abandonment like ‘why didn’t you stay?’
Reducing my friends list with her inbox to blame
Scrolling through pictures though faces are strange
Connect me to something worthwhile to feel
Show me a status that makes magic real

If you've ever felt these
Overwhelming helpings
of hopelessness
You felt me
Television trash news  
Celebrations have to                      
Mask the prison-man's noose  
                                          (   Help me  )    
Indecision - tasks grew  
With a mission past due
Convinced that I can help you
Miss-led-miss-me-yets          
You know I do                                          
Forget it                                      
Less regret
                                        (  Believe me  )
When I say  -  you help me
      Everyday          
You help me

Humble lost to Ego
Ego made him cry
Humble only wants to live
But Ego wants to die

i die for free & leave you words & dreams
bleed out on the page, my stage of constant grief
settle down a scene of demons haunting me
realize i'm breathing just to watch my seed
broken but we're coping blindly hope to see
all this time away from me was what we need
leaving without purpose hurts us both; we believe in our burdens being
a testament of the way we aren't - we die, for freedom isn't free

A beautiful creep
Deny me my sleep
A wonderful dream
Life of a sheep
Wednesday broken-needy
Friday you feed me
Finely, we're eating.
Seasons change grieving
Saturday's screaming
Wake up fool you're bleeding!

Wooden matches
Gas in plastic
Watch the flame
No one came
Willful chaos
Quick silent seance
Mr Burn his fear
And so,
In turn, he knows -
No man hurts alone
Still,
Ties elastic
Melt while
Dire ashes
Carry away
Everything
Until
Everything's gone
Except the burns
We share

.
..
Life is what you make it.
Lego is what you make it.
-
Life is Lego.
..
.

Listen, I'm trying to see things positive and even though my Optometrist seems optimistic, I'm just not convinced -

We each play our fiddle while Babylon crumbles  -
The meek see no favor, waivers saved so we seem blessed
Deeds we invested
Lies now infested
Piles of chest pain
Vested til sweat hurt
****** the fibers
Soaks a new white shirt
Carried through brush and ruined her moms favorite sweater . . .
Dead souls we digress
Each and every one of us
When one of us
Ignores
Worse yet
When we complain about our inconveniences
Take away someone's time
Who need not listen -
Those, who, at a moments notice oversee a situation, supersedes your issues
Calm down ***** you are not the victim -
Maybe put the phone away -
Her name was May
She had a name

Her name was May

My mistake, i lost myself
I said I'd die for love but lied
My health declined
Forced sober eyes
My heart restarted -
Now misaligned
With hers to find
old grapes resurfaced
she turned to wine
Wine our trusty common ground
Held me close
Together again
A moment of zen
And then the crash
a sharp decent
Her health and her mask
Gone overnight
Daybreaks I awake alone
Amidst a vast mass of half recollections
Smashed glass and regret
She met me again for the first time and said with new found sober tongue
None of this was real, my dear, you and i we're fools - yes both of us
But between you and i (also anyone else if anyone asks) you are far more foolish having thought you could be loved
My mistake, i forget who i am
Pour another cup or 10
Let me buy us all another round
Strangers to friends
Grieving all the love i lack
Left behind, a burden of men
Perhaps she was the worse
What's worse is when she's gone and all I'm Left with is her words
this curse, it hurts to finally see   the love i give away in vain another's unrequited repentance and since it wasn't ment for us soon the moments gone
And so is everyone i love -- alone again and left with this thought i get everytime I'm down and out --I'm not enough, I've never even had enough  
My mistake, i lost, myself
Repeat that back again
I lost myself
With help from hurt
I mistook loss for love and caused a world of  pain
First for myself
And my mental health
My mistake, i tried to shake
Myself awake.
Alone is better after all
My mistake my life
too late
I lost
I took
Too much  
Thats my mistake
Not enough

Alive, a lie
Heaven sent
Wishful, why
I fear the light
Too long I'm wrong
To love tonight
I try to cry
No tears appear
I miss you here
Alone I’ll die
Fine, rewind
Relive your fears
Worse yet, regrets
Hearst left you're right
A life for mine
A line wayback
Unidentified
Blind – for I'm
Too old to fly
Too weak to attack
Too mad to react
Ill advised
By my old friends
I love to laugh, they hate to ask
Seems we have a lot to grasp
London summers sound real nice
Las vagas winter's crowds and lights
Maybe here has run it's course
Trust tomorrow grounds us both

I’m not my profile picture
I’m here for you but never there
A lot has changed, afraid it's true
I’m not the person that you once knew
I look in the mirror, a stranger stares back
Unkempt and stressed from blessings I missed
Lackluster eyes unfocused, broken
Hope when I sleep to never awake
Carry me off to where I was made
I am not my ugliest photo
Nor am I anyone's best guess
I have made my prison given words to impress
You take them please let me leave from these cages
Instagram gone away I’ll never come back
Last chance to chat snaps mask on for laughs back
Fall asleep like a creep with my face in your book
It took me too long to admit it, I’m missing everything
Trying to see everything on a cracked screen
Time killing to avoid how I feel
Vanities streaming, screaming believe me!
I see nothing new
I feel nothing real

(Today)
I made a list of things
in which
I can live without
and found
you came
to mind first
but I couldn't bring
myself
to
write
your name
down.

I'd like to see your poetry
I mean, truly see your work
The way you choose to dot your i's
Tells me what that dot is worth
Though, words still hold their meaning, I know that there is more -
Beyond our monotype - a sight to see, the truth adorn

Legitimately illegitimate me
Immediate wants perceived as needs
Filling voids to avoid my thoughts
Healthy hurts alone I'll rot
Buy me love I cant afford
Sold my soul a while ago
My employer's name is pain
Redacted last night today's the same

Write a poem, pick it up
Stick it in your pocket
Empty out a bottle -
Fill it with your words, and drop it
Off onto the river - rest assured you haven't lost it
Eyes will find your lines downstream - free and unapplauded

Let's just sell each other -
That's what we should do
You for two of me
Me for two of you
Let's just tell each other -
When asked what it's about
The art was just a question
While the answer was in doubt

Dead poem
Dead words
Dying light
Red round
Melt down
Why we write
Hope now
Cold, loud
Violent riot
Closed down
Stole while
Wild ones fight
Dead poems
Dead men
Rarely write
Reminds me
I'm alive
While 'I'm alive's
- the lie
I'll rewind in kind