Humble lost to Ego
Ego made him cry
Humble only wants to live
But Ego wants to die

.
..
Life is what you make it.
Lego is what you make it.
-
Life is Lego.
..
.

Rolling deuces
Bold excuses
Felt the truth
Wrapped in bruises
Round the heart
A day apart
Between what’s seen
And where we are
Cope with me
I hope they stay
Told the pain
Now washed away
Let the rain
Save the day
Lost, forgotten
Thoughts remain -

Isn't this what you wanted -
This voice, does it help?
No matter, what's been written -
Best keep it to yourself
Your words, yes you with the pen -
Tell truths best unsent, let it die
You opened this door,
To a world made to hide
Friends who knew better
Gone, left you behind
Family, leave them
Less burdened by whys
Madness, you have it -
They need not admire
Talk to yourself
Alone they are fine
I said, talk to yourself
Alone they're just fine

Dearest friend (I've yet to meet),

Who was I kidding?
As if I somehow missed the message --
Childish, my reply sent said:

'shoot! I'm sorry - I must have forgot to hit send'

- I'm the loser who let you wonder for a minute if I meant it (but don't give another thought) a moment longer you'll realize.. I'm lying, I'm a liar (spoiler alert)

I hate to break it to you, today, I really couldn't care less  - yesterday you were all I had left, tomorrow maybe fate will finally bless me, find me dead as I felt inside since I can remember and I'll be at peace with knowing I left you alone.... 
I know, I know.....
We talked for hours, I told you who i really was.. that was just a test - when u got back to me I honestly  almost instantly lost all interest. (Caught a catch 22)
Listen closely (or rather, read carefully) you know I said I love you and that is still the truth (for what its worth, you're welcome) but what you may not know is that i resented you for the fact that you said you love me back (believe me it hurts to say the truth) so my reaction may seem a bit unexpected, know I know I left you with less than you deserve - but this was the only gift I could afford.


I'm unavailable & miserable with the mess I've made for me (trauma tethered me to someone I will never take the leap to try to be me with)

Ask around you'll find my reputation is deplorable - I only ever take (and take and take) 
-- kind of like taxes, most people HATE taxes (no matter how necessary they may be)

I was never meant to be so painfully average - i was born of greatness (trust me, my folks were basicly the best) nurtured my mediocrity on purpose to avoid the pressures of the "life" i should have (could have) led - you say it's not too late - 
Satan's screaming 'she's a liar, you're a waste, take her, keep her here with us'
I look to Christ for sage advice -
'You best just keep your distance, shes a lover but she knows not what she says - she speaks from a place you've never really been welcome - and if she knew everything you took from her, remember, she's only human, and..well.. I think you understand..'
He was right, I know - (Lucifer's a ****, despite the fact he's generally always atleast half right)
You're too beautiful - my reflection is hideous..
I resist all kinship, we could have shared because love hurts so much (or so I've witnessed) 
when goodbyes 
(Even those one might call over due) 
Sneak up and bite us, we are the ****** and cursed the worst and best of us survivors - alike (this is a fact, even if they never ever find common ground sturdy enough to build on, it's there - everyone feels pain from loss -- and the amount of pain between mortals is suprisingly more irrelevant than it is relative)
and we will feel loss, all of us (even the unloved and especially the forgotten)
Someone is always left behind,
I would do anything to outlive all my loved ones (and so I sought immortality) - because I know how it feels to lose them (the gifted, the gone-to-soons) and know this, loneliness scares me a hell of a lot less than transfering pain (undoing all the happiness I meant to spread from my plastic bag filled with good intentions) to some poor soul whose silly enough to feel for me even half of what I felt for them.

I regret this profession I was given - every day it gets harder to convince myself that I'm a good guy, just trying to do my job. Someone has to do it and from what I can tell: 
gods plan is just a rough draft, edited frequently and it's up to no one to really understand it, and yet, everything revolves around it. 
.. and I mean everything. 
Including me,
The Reaper (although, I dislike the title because it insinuates I am absolutely the only one like me.
I often fantasize that I am one of many others, 
maybe they're on other planets or different planes who knows..but I can tell you with absolute certainty that I've yet to meet another like me.)

I guess we all have a purpose - is what I'm trying to say.
Anyway, I should run.. I have a million and some odd funerals to attend this week alone. 


Signed sincerely -
Your friend,
Death

P.s. I will wait for you, there's really no rush for us to meet ♡

Let's just sell each other -
That's what we should do
You for two of me
Me for two of you
Let's just tell each other -
When asked what it's about
The art was just a question
While the answer was in doubt

Sold my soul for nickels
My heart went for a dime
Two bits for my story
Taxed but just with time
Packed a scattered suitcase
Loose leaf - countless lines
A past of seared in burdens
Masked by my design
A silly thing to save
Regrets (the pain in stages)
A single ink stained suit
Buried in the pages

Empathy is why I see the world the way I shouldn't
Quick to jump to assumptions even when I said I wouldn't
My heart has stopped and started for so long it seems for certain
There is no end - my oldest friend's a testament to burdens
Buried deep down building up beneath a caring frame
Took a turn to hateful when it's seen the world's the same

My mistake, i lost myself
I said I'd die for love but lied
My health declined
Forced sober eyes
My heart restarted -
Now misaligned
With hers to find
old grapes resurfaced
she turned to wine
Wine our trusty common ground
Held me close
Together again
A moment of zen
And then the crash
a sharp decent
Her health and her mask
Gone overnight
Daybreaks I awake alone
Amidst a vast mass of half recollections
Smashed glass and regret
She met me again for the first time and said with new found sober tongue
None of this was real, my dear, you and i we're fools - yes both of us
But between you and i (also anyone else if anyone asks) you are far more foolish having thought you could be loved
My mistake, i forget who i am
Pour another cup or 10
Let me buy us all another round
Strangers to friends
Grieving all the love i lack
Left behind, a burden of men
Perhaps she was the worse
What's worse is when she's gone and all I'm Left with is her words
this curse, it hurts to finally see   the love i give away in vain another's unrequited repentance and since it wasn't ment for us soon the moments gone
And so is everyone i love -- alone again and left with this thought i get everytime I'm down and out --I'm not enough, I've never even had enough  
My mistake, i lost, myself
Repeat that back again
I lost myself
With help from hurt
I mistook loss for love and caused a world of  pain
First for myself
And my mental health
My mistake, i tried to shake
Myself awake.
Alone is better after all
My mistake my life
too late
I lost
I took
Too much  
Thats my mistake
Not enough

She asked "How can I help you?"
"I'm just looking." he replied.
Strange, these were his sole last words -
- such a fitting little lie.

This is my dedication to depression
All the lessons learnt from unsent messages
Regrets to blessings
I remember everything
I used to sing T. Swift's junk
To see you smile and lift you up
Now i talk to walls in hopes im not alone
Who knows how crazy feels? I know -
I lost a piece of me when you had to leave
Rest in peace - you made me the best me
I've always been so proud of you
That will never change hope somehow you know it
Still, i suppose we'll all be sad for a moment
Til we all laugh together again, a toast -
I'm thankful for the pain that keeps you close

I'd like to see your poetry
I mean, truly see your work
The way you choose to dot your i's
Tells me what that dot is worth
Though, words still hold their meaning, I know that there is more -
Beyond our monotype - a sight to see, the truth adorn

Muddy blood bath
Hold your tongue
Life and death
Told bold as love
Hate me now
Beset your sun
Curtains are clouds
Beneath me now

You are a beautiful soul.
Behind the walls you build to protect your pain and all the tiny pieces of you you’re afraid to misplace is a perfect slate - a place for you to make  great.
Blank, untainted by mistakes made yesterday -
Today you can choose to escape away & stay here (no sorrow to fuel them so regrets just might maybe let up) hear me, please, believe me when i say:
Tomorrow will be better.

..and then it hit me like she used to do
We cant go back if we wanted to
Never lived worthwhile
Never knew we'd do --
Nothing much
Relax
Til were old enough
With a patch of grass
Pitch a tent and lie
With a handful of **** the pain
Wash down these pills with a gallon of rye

The plan was simple enough to picture
Drink till I don't miss her
Dreams they come to taunt me
Caught my silent wanting
Truth be told I trust to much
Break me down to build you up
Season's changing gives me greif
Warn me - winter's still asleep
We dream alone
Of summer
A cold, unfunny joke
The punchline is the sunshine
We laughed till we awoke
Alone together
Me and winter
A recluse, abused and cold

Write a poem, pick it up
Stick it in your pocket
Empty out a bottle -
Fill it with your words, and drop it
Off onto the river - rest assured you haven't lost it
Eyes will find your lines downstream - free and unapplauded

Art is subject to inspection (unscheduled)
Started out suspects whose inventions we let alope
Messages sent out of love that we let go
Readers unknown still we feel like we met though
Raw and unbeautiful
Scars we don't let show
Scarfs with no winds blown
Broken Hope's forgotten dreams
Her father's daughter mother's mean
Seldom on purpose unpurposely
Stolen she knows not the poet is me
Told how awful I am;
Though, it's easy to see
it's awful are we
Yeah, how awful are we?

I’m less reckless than I once was
I love this messy house
My couch is broken
But it still reclines
I find at times my mood declines &
I write
Blood on the walls from last night's fist fight
God bless my opposition Jesus knows they need him
Don’t think I’m being conceited
Truth is I hate me more than you ever could, believe this  -
Clueless people complain I make them nervous
But I can't explain how much it hurts to know you're worthless
Still I try &
Write
My life is a casket I purchased from Costco  (cheap)
I laugh out loud til my sides hurt and also
fall asleep on backroads - alone at the wheel
just to feel something other then sorry

(Today)
I made a list of things
in which
I can live without
and found
you came
to mind first
but I couldn't bring
myself
to
write
your name
down.

They feel I owe them something
More than every sunken thought
now i'm to blame
{ain't that a shame}
For opinions that I've got

if only i had money maybe i could save some more
lonely we are hoping on a prayer we know's ignored
living isn't cheap believe me soon i hope you see
giving missing meaning - quit me, leave me losing sleep
only if 'if only'  wasn't just a bold excuse
surely i can float us on this wage that i abuse
rarely does she notice what i do to keep us fed
finally it got to me - everything unsaid i said

Dead poem
Dead words
Dying light
Red round
Melt down
Why we write
Hope now
Cold, loud
Violent riot
Closed down
Stole while
Wild ones fight
Dead poems
Dead men
Rarely write
Reminds me
I'm alive
While 'I'm alive's
- the lie
I'll rewind in kind

Long forgotten rotten needs
Return to burn when we believe  
We are free from yesterday
Learning lazy save me please
Grave dreams chase me - crazy scenes    
Face me Satan - vacancies    
In my conscience waiting brief
Miss me maybe we could be
Alone apart -- a heart to bleed

Write me off, that's fine - if I'm honest, your eyes are not why I've bled blue on loose leaf for all these years.
I gave away a rough draft of my life and skipped the polish - yeah, I get that I'll never be published, and to you, my words likely look like incoherent ******* because I'd surely be full on illiterate if it wasn't for spellcheck & this stupid heart of mine.
My goal wasn't to be relatable (it was always for me so I could go back if and when I needed a reason to breathe I'd reread to see how far I've come) and so (I have no grand delusions of "success" or even dreams of recognition) I know I will never be a great writer -
A lonely man's truth has never been a valuable commodity.
I just wanted to let you know that I've seen your poetry & it's simply beautiful in all it's intricate complexities -
and mine is what it's always been (and bare with me now, as I attempt a metaphor) my ol' trusty lifejacket.
It just helps keep me from sinking all the way down to rockbottom.

Thank you all for sharing, I like to think I have a good idea what your words mean to you - and for some of us they might just mean everything.

And for now, I'll leave you with this


Dear Poet,
If you ever feel the urge to give up, just remember that if you do, everything you went through will have been for another man's (or woman's) kindling.

Alive, a lie
Heaven sent
Wishful, why
I fear the light
Too long I'm wrong
To love tonight
I try to cry
No tears appear
I miss you here
Alone I’ll die
Fine, rewind
Relive your fears
Worse yet, regrets
Hearst left you're right
A life for mine
A line wayback
Unidentified
Blind – for I'm
Too old to fly
Too weak to attack
Too mad to react
Ill advised
By my old friends
I love to laugh, they hate to ask
Seems we have a lot to grasp
London summers sound real nice
Las vagas winter's crowds and lights
Maybe here has run it's course
Trust tomorrow grounds us both

Change My Mind
(but not my heart)
Burning bridges that don’t lead to where you need to be is more than fine -
If you paid for their negativity with your spare peace then you don’t owe them anymore of your time
Regardless of what people say or imply what’s true - you are the most important person the whole world wide; to you.
Strange thing’s same goes for me, as well -
We live to learn and we learn to grow.

Featured today
More woe-is-me poetry
Feet hurt to wait
Formally known as grief
Habits to break
Torn from my old beliefs
Savage escapes
Warn folks who need see
Average joe make
Corners quick gracefully
Or maybe too quick
With crash and burns great to see
Well..maybe it's just me
Aren't crash & burns just so great to see?

If you want some context for my last text best to ask my next ex then my last one again next
Maskless just like way back, i missed that yet I’m seeing sides which  i wish i could forget
Mixed with the definite scent of yesterday’s ******-breath
One look of regret and then it turns to a threat
Maybe it’s me, maybe not (I’m perplexed  - is it worth the broken life that’s mine i die to save by getting out alive meanwhile my loved ones wish me dead)
No one need change - best guess we best just leave alone, strangers instead we both find love with another without each other’s ghosts
I wished them all well and all the while they wish me so much less

I
Give  Take
III          I
She
Lives  for free from fake love
I digress
We
Hate this
Almost as much as
We
Hate us

I meet in the middle having made half of the mess with my neglect - my best guess:
I’ll be left with less than i request when I swallow what pride that i have left for a chance to protect
all those lies of love she spun from spite and her need to be perceived as right -
No fight is worth the loss of time we waste on hate to feed our egos we go way too far to ever find ground equal

No work this morning, just me, my coffee and a little bit of music while Hope is in the other room still snoring
Late nights with my daughter make the days pain worthwhile I'll see
Finally found me kind of free from my own mind of constant grief
I was born optimistic now I miss that feeling that I could be
Anyone or anything
Mr. Make-it-work-for-now has a lot to learn
He just works to earn and eat
But not today -

I made a deal with my depression that if it left me alone I wouldn’t question it’s obsession with the pain that I hold..
I feel it must’ve missed the message lately it’s been constantly calling me, cursing me -
Telling me it hurts to breathe, I’m tired but I’m awake afraid of dreams that reoccur while I am asleep.
It says I’m weak and no one loves me, I’m just a burden to bare on everybody that I care about and I’d be better off dead.
Says ‘it’s okay to be a quitter, remember last time you tried?’
I thought for half a second and before I could reply
‘That’s what I thought’ it cut me off ‘you sit in one place going nowhere just spinning your wheels - you would love to buy a boat but wont, always wanted your own house but nowhere ever felt like home, you love her but she’ll never know it, so what?—admit it she’s better off being kept in the dark ..then again you never know, she might need laugh at the expense of your heart.
You lazy wishful waste of bones, my god, you’re such a joke and even if it’s you she choose that would go to show that love you hold is just a lie - would you respect her while she says she loves you?
No—I assure you that
the love you felt would surely die.’
‘Why wont you just leave me be?’ I asked and begged for mercy
Without a moment passing depression laughed at last it hurt me.
‘I’m not even real —it’s you that you’ve been hurting.’
Grabbing for my medicine seen my sight was getting blurry
‘You took too much - remember now? Ignoring me wasn’t working. I was all that you had left - making deals with me instead of facing facts - regrets you just left to fester. Crying you tried but that’s a lie only you would buy still vain enough attempt to protect it. Always looking to blame and push peers away - then victimize your own demise like somehow a lack of love or not enough affection was reason for your grand escape - when it was you who failed to mention, you needing help your pride was beyond this intervention. Now there’s no one to blame, too late for a change - as you reach for your phone now you’re practically dead- dial 911 for attention. Tell them it’s me, i made you believe that life was wasted on you- put the pills in your hand told you take them—‘
“911 what is your emergency?”
With half a breath left the last thing i said
“Mis.take.help”

I then awoke alone, in my bed the voice now gone.

Relief for the dream as real as it seemed was just that same old dream.
No need to be alarmed, I’m up now - get ready for another day of mindless work, turn on a lamp and light a smoke-forget the fact the power’s overdue. Ash my cigarette atop a stack of boating magazines i acquired as a muse - thoughts of my boss cross my mind (that ****) just bought a yacht brand new doesn’t know how much I do. If I wasn’t there they’d be so *******, no one can do what i do. Drop my smoke in last nights last glass of rye and make my way to my mirror where I contemplate a shave. Stubble is fine, i just wet my face and skip the soap. Gargle a bit of no name Scope in hopes it hides the smell of whiskey, nicotine but mostly just my shame.
Make my way to a bus i cannot miss. Sit three seats away from this girl i see each day. I’m half awake and always rushed and so i never ask her name. Looking down at a broken phone trying to wrap my head around this weather. If it rains it seems i always forget my **** umbrella then again the sun might shine a bit to bright while of course i forgot my shades - and just watch, you’ll see, later it will be way too warm to wear this sweater.
She usually does crosswords - she’s so pretty and smart
A moment to catch my breath and thoughts this is where she gets off, that means the next stop is my stop
Smile, single file three get off i wait so i am last - the first guy makes the same bad joke everyday i fake a laugh - step out on the sidewalk make my way to make a buck. Another day like everyday before it - repeats so i feel stuck.
I tell myself my luck will change as long as i put up - with all these friendly faces counting down the days till payday - tinker with the idea i might get away for a couple nights take in some sights unseen
Knowing that i never will but its a nice warm thought to think.
Made it through a monday with hope infatuation meets my eye - on the bus back to my place although I’ve never seen her ride on my afternoon commute. Still, i felt a familiar pang of hope today she might then for sure i could finally introduce myself.
Disappointment as we fly past her stop - I’m always so busy. Too busy for love. Never enough time, and time is a cost i can not afford while i walk a couple of blocks to corner store internally *******. Alone in my thoughts about all that I’m missing. Pick up my brand of smokes they went up, can’t buy a magazine thanks to prices they want - still have a bottle back up in my flat. I suppose that can wait now ill make my way back. All the while i keep wondering why, cigarettes cost so much - it’s a plant thats dried up. Alone back at home i turn on some tunes look out the window to stare, it will do even my radios antenna is in need of repair. They don’t make em like they used to i quip to myself - drink until I forget the fact that I’m afraid to sleep -
And that’s why a while back
I made a deal with my insomnia, if it let me unwind I’d only pop a couple pills a night but i find nowadays it all seems foggy like I’m losing my mind - weather hasn’t changed since I can’t recall, the bus and those who ride it also all are the same.
Anxiety is racing now my hearts beating fast - grab a glass a water a drink it all back. Look in to the mirror and close my eye to forget.

This is where i live now.
Forever this is it.

If you've ever felt these
Overwhelming helpings
of hopelessness
You felt me
Television trash news  
Celebrations have to                      
Mask the prison-man's noose  
                                          (   Help me  )    
Indecision - tasks grew  
With a mission past due
Convinced that I can help you
Miss-led-miss-me-yets          
You know I do                                          
Forget it                                      
Less regret
                                        (  Believe me  )
When I say  -  you help me
      Everyday          
You help me

Fortunately for me
I forgive you
Tortured intestines
Twisting obsessions
Life is changing
& people grieve change
Leaving love behind (in favor of inclusion - memorialized by comment sections)
All alone I cloned our burdens
Told myself your faults were somehow mine to bare aswell
I forgave you -

Will it help?
I really hope it helps

all in all, i loved the fall
forgot to stop
afraid to stall
walls i made to guard my heart
broken now - both torn apart
delayed disdain i fail to start
vertigo reversed to show
i'm alive but only ghosts
remain - insane, i keep them close

We each play our fiddle while Babylon crumbles  -
The meek see no favor, waivers saved so we seem blessed
Deeds we invested
Lies now infested
Piles of chest pain
Vested til sweat hurt
****** the fibers
Soaks a new white shirt
Carried through brush and ruined her moms favorite sweater . . .
Dead souls we digress
Each and every one of us
When one of us
Ignores
Worse yet
When we complain about our inconveniences
Take away someone's time
Who need not listen -
Those, who, at a moments notice oversee a situation, supersedes your issues
Calm down ***** you are not the victim -
Maybe put the phone away -
Her name was May
She had a name

Her name was May

the art of hellos
& crushing goodbyes
tell me i'm dreaming
awoken to die
i killed myself years ago
none noticed, (no) not one i'm afraid
i kept the water running afloat
with the power and net prepaid

i die for free & leave you words & dreams
bleed out on the page, my stage of constant grief
settle down a scene of demons haunting me
realize i'm breathing just to watch my seed
broken but we're coping blindly hope to see
all this time away from me was what we need
leaving without purpose hurts us both; we believe in our burdens being
a testament of the way we aren't - we die, for freedom isn't free

Mercy please -
I pleaded as if I believe
A God could care less
Of whom I have left
Why (much less, yet, if) I breathe
What's worse, when I dream -
It's cruel as can be, I see
A world in which you never left
(Where our eyes might meet but we don't get to speak)
Then that stupid, beautiful pain when I awake
Somehow suprised each and every time (perhaps this is mercy)
I take it back - sorry I asked
No mercy for me
The liar. The fool.
Ironic I swear it
I hate sleep and wear it
On my sleeve
Right next to where
My heart used to be

I hope you're happy
She said                        (she lied)
In crowds she's laughing
Alone she cries
I cope while asking
Please, **** me kindly
Don't show        (mask me)
What you find