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Just GS Sep 2021
My mistake, i lost myself
I said I'd die for love but lied
My health declined
Forced sober eyes
My heart restarted -
Now misaligned
With hers to find
old grapes resurfaced
she turned to wine
Wine our trusty common ground
Held me close
Together again
A moment of zen
And then the crash
a sharp decent
Her health and her mask
Gone overnight
Daybreaks I awake alone
Amidst a vast mass of half recollections
Smashed glass and regret
She met me again for the first time and said with new found sober tongue
None of this was real, my dear, you and i we're fools - yes both of us
But between you and i (also anyone else if anyone asks) you are far more foolish having thought you could be loved
My mistake, i forget who i am
Pour another cup or 10
Let me buy us all another round
Strangers to friends
Grieving all the love i lack
Left behind, a burden of men
Perhaps she was the worse
What's worse is when she's gone and all I'm Left with is her words
this curse, it hurts to finally see   the love i give away in vain another's unrequited repentance and since it wasn't ment for us soon the moments gone
And so is everyone i love -- alone again and left with this thought i get everytime I'm down and out --I'm not enough, I've never even had enough  
My mistake, i lost, myself
Repeat that back again
I lost myself
With help from hurt
I mistook loss for love and caused a world of  pain
First for myself
And my mental health
My mistake, i tried to shake
Myself awake.
Alone is better after all
My mistake my life
too late
I lost
I took
Too much  
Thats my mistake
Not enough
I used to love me because i was loved. Theyre gone -and now i cant for the life of me see what they saw in me.
Just GS Aug 2021
I’m writing again (even though my thoughts as of late are convoluted)
When life seems bad I must admit I often bluff - what I need is almost in reach, still, I can’t seem to commit to pursuit -
Without some sort of proof my self-abuse has yet to absolutely ruin me - I’m annoyed by me and the way I keep trying to **** the time I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy
Self-sabotage & procrastination have taken a toll that weighs heavily on my family, heart, soul and my mindset’s always secretly tragic -
love ones I have left lately all say I owe them now, like they can tell I’m on a spiral down with no faith I can change only hopes they’ll collect before I meet my casket
I can’t even bring myself to ask that they bare with me, please -
I know it seems at times I’m not even trying, I assure you that’s a misunderstanding
I keep hemorrhaging money same story as last month maybe find some peace in few more weeks (I fear my optimism’s been misplaced and goals I’ve set are too demanding)
Just GS Aug 2021
Change My Mind
(but not my heart)
Burning bridges that don’t lead to where you need to be is more than fine -
If you paid for their negativity with your spare peace then you don’t owe them anymore of your time
Regardless of what people say or imply what’s true - you are the most important person the whole world wide; to you.
Strange thing’s same goes for me, as well -
We live to learn and we learn to grow.
Caring shouldn’t hurt, and yet, here we are.
Just GS Aug 2021
I made a deal with my depression that if it left me alone I wouldn’t question it’s obsession with the pain that I hold..
I feel it must’ve missed the message lately it’s been constantly calling me, cursing me -
Telling me it hurts to breathe, I’m tired but I’m awake afraid of dreams that reoccur while I am asleep.
It says I’m weak and no one loves me, I’m just a burden to bare on everybody that I care about and I’d be better off dead.
Says ‘it’s okay to be a quitter, remember last time you tried?’
I thought for half a second and before I could reply
‘That’s what I thought’ it cut me off ‘you sit in one place going nowhere just spinning your wheels - you would love to buy a boat but wont, always wanted your own house but nowhere ever felt like home, you love her but she’ll never know it, so what?—admit it she’s better off being kept in the dark ..then again you never know, she might need laugh at the expense of your heart.
You lazy wishful waste of bones, my god, you’re such a joke and even if it’s you she choose that would go to show that love you hold is just a lie - would you respect her while she says she loves you?
No—I assure you that
the love you felt would surely die.’
‘Why wont you just leave me be?’ I asked and begged for mercy
Without a moment passing depression laughed at last it hurt me.
‘I’m not even real —it’s you that you’ve been hurting.’
Grabbing for my medicine seen my sight was getting blurry
‘You took too much - remember now? Ignoring me wasn’t working. I was all that you had left - making deals with me instead of facing facts - regrets you just left to fester. Crying you tried but that’s a lie only you would buy still vain enough attempt to protect it. Always looking to blame and push peers away - then victimize your own demise like somehow a lack of love or not enough affection was reason for your grand escape - when it was you who failed to mention, you needing help your pride was beyond this intervention. Now there’s no one to blame, too late for a change - as you reach for your phone now you’re practically dead- dial 911 for attention. Tell them it’s me, i made you believe that life was wasted on you- put the pills in your hand told you take them—‘
“911 what is your emergency?”
With half a breath left the last thing i said

I then awoke alone, in my bed the voice now gone.

Relief for the dream as real as it seemed was just that same old dream.
No need to be alarmed, I’m up now - get ready for another day of mindless work, turn on a lamp and light a smoke-forget the fact the power’s overdue. Ash my cigarette atop a stack of boating magazines i acquired as a muse - thoughts of my boss cross my mind (that ****) just bought a yacht brand new doesn’t know how much I do. If I wasn’t there they’d be so *******, no one can do what i do. Drop my smoke in last nights last glass of rye and make my way to my mirror where I contemplate a shave. Stubble is fine, i just wet my face and skip the soap. Gargle a bit of no name Scope in hopes it hides the smell of whiskey, nicotine but mostly just my shame.
Make my way to a bus i cannot miss. Sit three seats away from this girl i see each day. I’m half awake and always rushed and so i never ask her name. Looking down at a broken phone trying to wrap my head around this weather. If it rains it seems i always forget my **** umbrella then again the sun might shine a bit to bright while of course i forgot my shades - and just watch, you’ll see, later it will be way too warm to wear this sweater.
She usually does crosswords - she’s so pretty and smart
A moment to catch my breath and thoughts this is where she gets off, that means the next stop is my stop
Smile, single file three get off i wait so i am last - the first guy makes the same bad joke everyday i fake a laugh - step out on the sidewalk make my way to make a buck. Another day like everyday before it - repeats so i feel stuck.
I tell myself my luck will change as long as i put up - with all these friendly faces counting down the days till payday - tinker with the idea i might get away for a couple nights take in some sights unseen
Knowing that i never will but its a nice warm thought to think.
Made it through a monday with hope infatuation meets my eye - on the bus back to my place although I’ve never seen her ride on my afternoon commute. Still, i felt a familiar pang of hope today she might then for sure i could finally introduce myself.
Disappointment as we fly past her stop - I’m always so busy. Too busy for love. Never enough time, and time is a cost i can not afford while i walk a couple of blocks to corner store internally *******. Alone in my thoughts about all that I’m missing. Pick up my brand of smokes they went up, can’t buy a magazine thanks to prices they want - still have a bottle back up in my flat. I suppose that can wait now ill make my way back. All the while i keep wondering why, cigarettes cost so much - it’s a plant thats dried up. Alone back at home i turn on some tunes look out the window to stare, it will do even my radios antenna is in need of repair. They don’t make em like they used to i quip to myself - drink until I forget the fact that I’m afraid to sleep -
And that’s why a while back
I made a deal with my insomnia, if it let me unwind I’d only pop a couple pills a night but i find nowadays it all seems foggy like I’m losing my mind - weather hasn’t changed since I can’t recall, the bus and those who ride it also all are the same.
Anxiety is racing now my hearts beating fast - grab a glass a water a drink it all back. Look in to the mirror and close my eye to forget.

This is where i live now.
Forever this is it.
Just GS Aug 2021
Resentments I bought with the last of my wage
Paid for in full still I owe her some change
Reluctantly propose another misguided truce
Stuck in a loop of mutual abuse
When i leave she finds pain only i can relieve (or so she pleads and claims)
I return to find more hurt in exchange for her relief
I wave a white flag
Save a bit of face (or at least just mask some shame)  
Tomorrow might i find a way to hate her same as she has shown today?
So, maybe, when she begs again for me to return to her or stay - i can draw some strength before it’s gone on and on so long that fate finds it’s too late —
To find respect in my reflection as i mirror old mistakes - impossible, and it seems I need not only leave her as I’ve escaped a thousand times and time and time again results have proven plain as day that I’m hopeless and insane- i need to forgive myself for how i feel and felt (find faith in me again)
Admit that this was never love and above all stay away
Just GS Aug 2021
If you want some context for my last text best to ask my next ex then my last one again next
Maskless just like way back, i missed that yet I’m seeing sides which  i wish i could forget
Mixed with the definite scent of yesterday’s ******-breath
One look of regret and then it turns to a threat
Maybe it’s me, maybe not (I’m perplexed  - is it worth the broken life that’s mine i die to save by getting out alive meanwhile my loved ones wish me dead)
No one need change - best guess we best just leave alone, strangers instead we both find love with another without each other’s ghosts
I wished them all well and all the while they wish me so much less

Give  Take
III          I
Lives  for free from fake love
I digress
Hate this
Almost as much as
Hate us

I meet in the middle having made half of the mess with my neglect - my best guess:
I’ll be left with less than i request when I swallow what pride that i have left for a chance to protect
all those lies of love she spun from spite and her need to be perceived as right -
No fight is worth the loss of time we waste on hate to feed our egos we go way too far to ever find ground equal
Just GS Jun 2021
You are a beautiful soul.
Behind the walls you build to protect your pain and all the tiny pieces of you you’re afraid to misplace is a perfect slate - a place for you to make  great.
Blank, untainted by mistakes made yesterday -
Today you can choose to escape away & stay here (no sorrow to fuel them so regrets just might maybe let up) hear me, please, believe me when i say:
Tomorrow will be better.
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