And I
Was so stuck
On my own
Little
Problems
That I totally
Missed
That you were
Suicidal
Too.

the boy with scars and pain rubbed in his palms
the boy who fought for years and years and struggled inside
the boy who was offbeat and out of touch with his classmates
the boy who just wasn't strong enough to make it
he was there for months and i never noticed
my teacher said his name and i was zoned out and heard nothing
he got up and left the classroom and i saw nothing
he sat two seats away and i never realized
until it was too late.
maybe there were no words i could have said to fix him
maybe there was nothing i could do to change the outcome
but now i sit and that seat two to the left is empty
and i can't help but feel responsible
for my ignorance, my blank face that looked past him
could have been just another knife in his chest
i can picture him walking and seeing me and me not seeing him
and how he must have felt invisible
and i know how i feel that way sometimes
i never wanted to worsen anyone's conditions
but now it is too late.

"Be happy." They say.
I can't.
"At least pretend to be."
Why?
"Because no one likes a sad person."
*Oh

I wonder how it would feel
If your perfect straight white teeth
Left bite marks across my thighs.

I like handwritten letters
And old paper back books
I like walks downtown past old buildings
With peeling paint and cracked side walks
I like old sneakers with holes in them
And soles that scrape the ground when you walk
I like things with stories to tell

I like to meet people and talk about minimal things
Things that won't matter to anyone else
The things that cause their eyes to sparkle
And make a smile tug at their lips
I like to listen to their opinions
The things they feel such passion for

Yet I do not like to stick around
Never do I get close enough to touch
No one makes it past the mask of sincerity
Masterfully placed on my face
Never do I let them breach the surface

I like to stay light and free
Of hurt, pain, and complications
And humans carry these things with them everywhere they go
So once I've learned all I can about a person I move on to the next

And continue my journey of life

I like old fashioned romances
Throwing rocks at windows
And cool walks in the night holding hands
I like good morning wishes and butterfly kisses
I dream of embraces so close
You can feel the trickle of their breath on your neck
Their heartbeat involuntarily syncing with yours

I dream of these things
These things I have longed to feel

I still get excited at the sight of a swing left vacant at a playground
Or mini marshmallows in hot chocolate
On bitter winter nights.

I can't breathe
My entire world is crumbling down upon me
It's enclosing on me,squeezing me,trying to pop me like a pimple
Trying to force to become this being that I am not
I CAN'T BREATHE!
So I just scream,"Get off me,leave me alone",
But no no no it does not go!
No,it just get closer and closer,
Whispering in my ear louder and louder!
Why won't you just leave me alone!
You expect me to be genius that I am not
This problem solver at a moments notice
Trying to compare me to them
Well I am not them,I am me
I am not this Almighty smart being
I do not have wings, soaring high above the skies
No,I run in the woods,attempting to hide from judgmental words
I run in the wind,across the seas, burning the words to ashes as I pass them by
Laughing yet crying because I have become exhausted from the nonstop comparisons
No matter where I go they seem to find me
Dancing around my head taunting me
I will never be free
Why won't you just let me be
Why must you hold me in these handcuffs trying to bend me to your will
Conditioning me until I forget who I am
Why...?
Don't you see I will never be like them
I can never be like them
Though I wish I could
I must find my own way
Whatever way that may be,
I'll find it and just be me