I woke up this morning
Gasping for air
I had been dreaming of diving
The deeper I went the less I wanted to go up
I just kept swimming
Knowing I could only hold my breath so long
I was almost happy
But I remembered that would leave me
Without you

My trauma
It is heavy
Like stacks of bricks on my back
And I carry it with me
To the store, when I’m out with friends
It’s there when I wake up in the middle of the night
It’s often the first thing to cross my mind
It surges through my veins
It’s like poison in my blood
It makes my mouth taste bitter
It makes me want to run
But no matter how fast my feet hit the ground
Or how far I may travel
These bricks don’t come off so easy
They follow me town to town

I reach out
     until my ******* tendons
snap
     and you just watch
standing inches away
     mocking me,
*******

As I walk these streets
A bitterness in my heart
I know all to well
Steps from the shadows
Followed by a piercing pain
In my abdomen
At the sight of fathers and daughters
Sharing laughs and smiling
I will forever feel this jealousy
It is
A burning rage
For something I never had
something I will always want

He has the greenest eyes
That stare right into your soul
He strides on over melting his body onto the bed
Relaxed and unworried
I love this cool cat

Waking up everyday is quiet similar to attending my own funeral, and I can’t express to you enough the lack of remorse in the room

the stench of my own death long ago hangs over me in a fog so thick and so suffocating I might as well
be dead

Sometimes I am thrown back into a memory
So good it breaks my heart I can never feel it again

How long does it take until the repetitive action of doing something
No longer becomes special
And how do we know who pushed it over the edge

To the lizards getting stuck behind my window screen,
I understand the feeling of confusion and panic,
like the beautiful flowers obliterated in harsh storms and the flies stuck aimlessly flying in dining halls with no escape,
I truly understand,
It's never easy being so alone

There is a silence in nature
The mutual law
That we have disrupted
Now chaos reigns

My dad used to have a truck with the passenger side speakers blown out, and I vividly remember listening to possum kingdom by the toadies on repeat Swooning in the loud rumble of the speakers succumbing to the immense base making a distinct sound for each drop, driving in cars with working speakers and hearing the song just isn’t the same
Funny how nostalgia works
Making you miss the things you once dreaded

I have had a raging headache
For days now
My ears are ringing so loud
I can’t tell if people are talking to me
Or I’ve began to go into psychosis
I don’t think I’ll ever kick
This wretched pain in my head

You should never apologize
For doin the right thing
It’s only natural

In every sweaty faced, teary eyed, frizzy haired argument I found myself facing you in,
I never once failed to crumple to my core,
Like waves carrying immense riptides you dragged me in every room around the house by the hair, by the shirt, by the neck, by the wrist,
Like a ******* dog you had me,
wrapped around the leash closely bound by your fists,
And no matter how far I may stray from you,
How long gone I want to think the distant memory of you is
I can still feel you tugging on the chain never fully unlatched,
I listen to your voicemails, I decline your calls by hand,

You are the juggernaut of my fears,
the final boss I can not face
Every time you raise your voice I find myself as a little girl again,
those big dumb blue eyes that didn't ******* understand,
When I looked at you I hurt so deeply inside,
When I look at you I hurt so deeply inside
We both know I'm not busy
We both know I'm avoiding you
But when I listen to your voicemails alone in my room
I feel like that little girl again who wants just so desperately to believe you love me,
you loved me
That you're actually miss me
But I still feel the ghost pains from every smack, slam, and blow
so when I don't answer the phone understand, I'm fighting back everything in me to not answer and let you know,
I don't care if you have, will, or plan to change
The time I granted you to do so is
long gone,
I'm standing up for the me who had not yet learned to love her now callused shell

I can’t look you in the eyes
I can’t do my work
I can’t crawl out of bed for more than ten minutes at a time
My bones feel like paper and my skin feels like a jacket that’s two sizes too small and I can’t wiggle around enough to stretch it in the slightest
It’s like everything I once was oozed out of me all at once and I’m just a fleshy shell
I wish to regress to a simpler time
Say, being five and ignorant naturally
When all I was upset about was sharing toys or seeing my dad
I hate these big girl problems
The time it takes to heal
I want to get upset about dropping my animal crackers again then my punishment is taking a nap, I’m tired of feelin as if all I am doing is turning the wrong corner every chance I get, I didn’t think this is who I would ever be

How is it that everyday I find myself falling in love with you all over again
Like a sprinkle that turns to a pour you completely engulf me
And the tingles run up and down my arms and my chest touches the ceiling
I’m madly and completely in love with you like it’s the first time I realized it all over again and I swoon

Of all my years in church

The one thing I learned was

The devil loved tenderly

And god?

He was cold

Your hands are soft as snow
But warm like the sun

I am spring
In love with winter

Is it really self care if I take another day off,
get ****** in my underwear and wait for the night to roll around,
**** a bottle then walk the town,

It is the shadow under my step
It is the darkest of feelings
It drips off of me like oil
On wet wood
It is, and isn’t
Who I am
And
Who I want to be

I sit and stare
At the walls
Out my window
At the passing faces in malls
At the cars passing on the road
I’m so numb
Everything I’ve ever come to know
Feels cold

I choke on my words for you
like You shoved cotton so far down my throat I turned blue in the face
Just to make you stop
You never did
You’re so mean when you’re angry
Like a bear ready to maul me
I’m terrified of you
Not because I know if you wanted to you could **** me
But it is in the fact I love you
Where my gut wrenching fear lies
Because you make me crumble to my core like a sandcastle too close to rising tides
I hate me