I sit in my chair studying the mirror-
starring at the figures outside the square.

Day by day the world changes outside your gates.
May, June, and July dancing while they pass by.

The birds singing to the morning bells-
ringing a spell in the ears of farewells.

The houses are filled with life-
telling stories of family glories.

The world is different through your eyes.
I feel hidden from creation-
not touched by fiction.

Is this an illusion
or is it just me being human?

To many times,
I have confessed my sins by your side.

Too often,
they are forgotten.

Do you even notice the hand print stains upon your face?
Or the blackened space were my tears have fallen?

For even a priest will send me with lie,
or release me with a goodbye.

Your two sided eyes
reflect your two sided mind.

You show me a reality
without the apple tree.

You blind me with jewels
and take me for a fool.

No longer will I sit and stare at the underworld.
For the flames may be there, but I rather taste it in the air.

I want to be loved.
I want someone to take me
out of this dark world,
and put me into a new one.
I want a lover who will tell me I am OK,
and truly mean it.
I want someone who I can trust,
someone who I can love
without question,
without doubts,
without anger
without jealousy.
I often wonder
if I am worthy of love.
Everytime I thought I found it,'
it always ended up never working out.
People make it look easy.
"all you gotta do is
have ***,
make out,
and give gifts"
well, sorry but you are wrong.
I want the lust,
but I want it to be original.
I want someone to recognize me,
and lust for me
I often feel like I am ugly.
I wish someone would tell me I'm wrong,
that my weight does not define my worth.
I wish I could love someone who would love me for who I am.
Everything about me.
My faults,
my humor,
my everything.
Truth is,
I don't think theres anyone out there
that is truly meant for me.
And so what I'm a guy
does that mean anything?
I don't believe people like me,
that people would think I have value.
I can't remember
being complemented.  
But, I don't want to seem conceded.
I just hope there is someone somewhere,
that will love me,
and call me bae,
because they think I really am worth their love.
You think I will?
"There will be someone who will come along"
"There's always more fish and the sea"
and for what, to be called a man *****?
Really?
Come on.
You can't be serious!
I am a human being.
I have emotions.
I recognize beauty both outside and inside quickly,
but why can't anyone see that in me?
Makes me wonder,
what is wrong with me?
Why can't I be loved?
Why?
Why can't it never work out?
Why am I the one who everyone asks out because of a dare
tell. me. why.
"people are cruel"
I've heard it before.
I wish they would ask me for real,
love me for real.

Sometimes I have to remind myself
I'm not better than you.
I'm just better than who you say I am.

Depression is...
like a disease
No, scratch that it IS a disease.
One moment you think you're better,
then BAM it hits you like a **** ton of bricks.
Depression is...
a never ending cycle
Like a merry-go-round on a child's playground or carnival.
Your mind spins and spins
round and round; over and over.
Never ending, never stopping
that's what it's like.
You try and try to find your way out,
but yet come up shorthanded.

Depression is...
more than just feeling sad
It's a plethora of emotions.
Yes, you feel sad
but it's more than that.
You feel sad; anxious; alone; angry; lost; confused
you don't have an appetite, and when you do
you eat everything under the sun.
The passion and enjoyment you once found in things,
no longer remains.
Rather it is replaced with emptiness and disparity.

Depression...
eats you alive.
Gnawing away at your innocent flesh.
You become a shell of the person you used to be,
unrecognizable from your friends, eventually your family
ultimately yourself
You don't know who you are anymore, what your purpose is.

Depression...
leaves you broken.
What was once a whole, is now a fragment of broken pieces,
that you just can't seem to put back together.
Your eyes no longer have that glimmer, or gleam, or sparkle
Rather you gain the thousand mile stare.
and you can see the emptiness within your gaze.
Initially, I hated that word...
broken.
Implies that you cannot get better
But that's exactly what depression feels like.
You feel incurable, untreatable.
Everyone says you find happiness within yourself,
but how can you find something that's been lost for so long?

the day i lost my innocence
the day it all changed
the day i took a blade to my wrist
and watched my blood drain

i didn't know it then
but i started a deadly habit;
one that would keep me up at night,
reign over me like a queen and put up a fight

i have not yet broken this habit
and maybe never will
but as long as it doesn't **** me
i think I'll keep the thrill