(A)ltered

(B)oisterous
(I)rrational
(P)anic
(O)ver-reactive
(L)o­ws
(A)shamed
(R)ollercoaster

(M)ental
(I)mpulsive
(N)on-existent
(D)esperate

The mind is lost on a raft to nowhere...

A beautiful sigh
A beautiful high
A beautiful voice
A beautiful choice
A beautiful light
A beautiful night
A beautiful smile
A beautiful style
A beautiful look
A beautiful brook

It's all just a beautiful lie.

I hear a whisper in the night.
"I am enough".
And it fills my heart with joy.
But the joy is fleeting,
As I do not feel worthy of it's song.

The whisper fades in the static of my mind.
Feelings of guilt and shame,
Replace the whisper's cry.
The self-loathing rises up once more.
An ever present rumble of isolation,
Controls my inner thoughts.
And I am filled with a sadness,
Of what my life has become.

A stranger now resides within me.
She is filled with loss and regrets
The tears begin to flow,
And fill my eyes with longing,
For the girl I left behind.
I am so very tired,
Of this battle in my mind.

I push aside my inner darkness,
And I look to the stars for comfort.
I whisper to the night.
"I am enough"
"I am MORE than enough".

Breathe...
I walk into your room,
And turn away from the caution sign that greets me.
The room is cold and smells of disinfectant.
I creep up beside you so as not to have you wake.
I avoid the lines that provide you life.
How small and helpless you seem.
Just a fragment of your former self.
A stranger...

I hear someone enter the room and I turn my head towards them.
The judgement and embarrassment are evident on their face.
I feel pity from those who watch his torment.
Eye contact is avoided.
They recoil from his touch and reach for the gloves,
That place a barrier between them.
I turn back towards my father.
So many memories...
Both good and bad.
I focus on the memories filled with joy.
The ones I wish to remember you by.
I keep the pain buried deep below the surface of my heart.

The silence is unbearable.
I reach for your hand and you turn your head towards me.
Your smile is quiet and no longer reaches your eyes.
There is no need to speak.
I feel the anger bubbling up inside me.
At the thought of the pain you must endure.
So many others out there in the world
But you were chosen to bear the stigma.
How did he contract it?
Is he gay or an addict?
I tried to ignore their ignorance,
But I just want to hurt them,
And have them share our pain.

I remember the day they told us,
"Sir you have AIDS".
I froze and looked up at you.
You told me it would be okay.
A lie to protect me from what the future would bring.
The end is near.
I love you Dee with all my heart,
And I will share your memories.
I give you one last kiss before you close your eyes,
You will now be free of the pain in this world,
Let your soul finally find peace.
I say goodbye for the last time,
And watch your breath fade away.

An ordinary girl.
Rushes down the hallway.
Invisible, scared, and alone.

Her eyes are cast down.
As she shrinks into the background.
Afraid to be noticed.
Hoping that she can just get through the day.

She has created a barrier around herself to mask the pain.
Poisoned whispers follow her trail.
She puts on a brave face,
And wishes to disappear.

Her beauty is screaming from within.
"You are worthy."
But she continues to relish in her flaws.
As a stain on the world.

She attempts to reach out,
But is rejected and despised.
She contains the pain once again.
Hiding it beneath her solitude.

The days continue.
There are no more tears.
A beautiful darkness spreads within.
She no longer cares.

Today is the day.
A sense of elation begins.
She has made peace with her demons,
And has embraced her shame.

She is ready.
The metal is cold on her skin.
The blade makes its mark.
It slides across her soul.

She sighs and she laughs,
At the bright red pool forming on the floor.
She sees the rain shine through the dark.
And life's hopeless journey to the unknown begins.

Another ordinary girl is lost...

Fury
Like a tornado in my head.
Twisting and irrational.
A wave about to crash.
Frantically looking for escape.
A womb to climb inside.
Hiding from the twisting inevitability,
Of the whisper of my thoughts.
SCREAMING,
But seldom heard
I am weighed down by your scorn.
I will rise and I will be heard.
LISTEN TO ME
But the words are tangled in my mind.
Trapped inside a wounded beast.

Beaten down by the highs and lows.
Impossible to evade its call.
Promises of incredible power,
Only results in incredible pain.
Loneliness is my current residence.
Aware that I am powerless,
And running from who I am.

The stars begin to fall,
Through the darkness of my mind.
With quiet whispered calls,
Only chaos will they find.

Here colours swirl in time,
To the madness found within.
They start to flow and rhyme,
Until anxiety begins.

A crushing, pulsing weight,
Is baring down on me.
An overwhelming hate,
Of what has come to be.

I long for something more,
Then blackness and decay.
To find an open door,
And float my fears away.

My dreams are full of lies,
Full of vile thoughts that bleed.
They dance before my eyes,
And on my anger they do feed.

I wish for brighter days,
For a glow within my heart.
But this void forever stays,
And it tears my soul apart.

Pain is roaring in my skull,
Full of waves of raging fire.
It keeps my senses dull,
So my will begins to tire.

Exhausted from the fight,
From this battle in my mind.
I am lost without the light,
And my sanity unwinds.

Fear is all consuming.
Fear is seeing the dark through the light.
Fear is a *** about to boil over.
Fear is paralyzing with no escape.
Fear is never ending.

Fear knows my weaknesses.
Fear knows I am its prisoner.
Fear knows how to prey on the weak.
Fear knows that I am trapped in its grasp.
Fear knows no bounds.

Fear will steal your light.
Fear will tighten its grasp until breath is no more.
Fear will laugh at my terror.
Fear will win the game.
Fear will be my demise.

Fear is a nightmare of the woken.

When I was a little girl,
I was told to be seen and not heard.
Invisible to my self and others.
I dared not laugh, I dared not cry.
Alive but no longer living.
I loved you,
But I feared you.
Your bouts of rage and madness.
Love that was conditional and fleeting.
I just wanted to scream and shout,
SEE ME!
LOVE ME!
But I learned to remain out of sight and sound.
I became vacant but yet present.
When I tried to feel,
Tried to be me,
I was told that you were too busy,
To spend time with me.
"Go out and play",
"Find some friends",
"Don't bother me".
So I would sit outside alone and cry.
Still waiting to be loved...
Now that I am grown,
I no longer seek your love.
I no longer stay in the background.
But make my presence known.
Loud and clear,
I will be seen,
I will be heard,
So *******!
Though you made me what I am today,
It will never take the pain away.

True strength is not about hiding our weaknesses, but embracing them with courage and sheer will.

My love is like a sickness
A bringer of disease
It infects all those it touches,
Destroys all that it sees.

Your love is like a razor,
It cuts me to the core.
With promises of passion,
Like all the times before.

This love is like a poison,
With no known remedy.
It weaves between our souls,
And ***** all life from me.

I long to feel your touch,
And your lips upon my skin.
But the love we have between us,
Is nothing more than sin.

Now I'll slip away,
And wipe you from my mind.
You are a shadow on my heart,
And I'll leave your love behind.

(T)ormented
(R)estricted
(A)lone
(P)erplexed
(P)rison
(E)xhausted­
(D)issociated

Freedom from the mind has a price.

Exposed
Afraid
  To be real
   An illusion
    Artificial smile
     Manufactured interest
      Painful apprehension
       An Impending encounter
        No escape
         Succumb
          Detached from self
           Dissociated mind
            Plastic eyes
             Void of feeling
              Mechanical heart
               Foul abandonment
                Self-pity
                 Worthless
                   Squandered life
                    Exit right

The past holds many secrets,
That maintain control of me.
The shame and regrets,
Are the only ones I see.

I am lost in what was,
Instead of what will be.
Dark and twisted memories,
Keep their hold on me.

Dreams of other times,
Haunt my days and nights.
Do others see my burden,
My internal daily plight.

I try to focus on today,
And seal away this pain.
It's frozen in my mind,
And will always leave a stain.

Today is a new day,
With new pasts to create.
I choose to focus on this moment,
And determine my own fate.

You will never embrace this life, unless you embrace yourself first.

(S)trive
(T)each
(R)esist
(E)nlighten
(N)ew
(G)uided
(T)ough
(H)e­art

There is no life without struggle and pain.
Strength is my guide with the will to survive.

I see a girl before me,
With eyes of pale blue crystal.
Cloudy, cold, and lifeless.
Who is this stranger looking back at me?
She looms in the darkness just beyond my reach.
Trapped in the land of the empty and forlorn.
I feel the need to connect to this stranger,
But I turn my back and face away,
I feel her dead eyes follow.
Strong is the urge to seek out her embrace,
And I return to her again.
My hand reaches out,
But feels only the smooth glass of a mirror's surface.
For I am her and she is me.
The reflection of my soul.

I see my own reflection,
And feel the loathing from within.

The anticipation of relief,

Of the blade cutting in.


The steel is cold and sharp,

Against  my weary skin.

It slides through slowly,

And I savour the feeling that it brings.

How far shall I cut?

How deeply shall I go?

I see the vein pulsating before the blood begins to flow.
Should I cut a little deeper and have this journey end,
Or dance with the pain that has now become my friend.

I look at my self-hatred reflected in the blade.
The future is uncertain,
And the choice still remains.
Do I wait for tomorrow,
As it is another day,
To live with the pain,
Or let my soul soar away.

Crazy is a fallacy of the sane,
                   Used to mask their own pain.

Normal is a delusion of grandeur.

(S)tifled
(E)vasive
(C)onfining
(R)egrets
(E)xhausting
(T)ormente­d
(S)hame

A game of deception and deceit.

Black
The light at the end of the tunnel.
The pursuit of sweet nothingness.
Is the oblivion that I reach toward a cure for my disease,
Or the start of something worse?

Black
So misunderstood it greets me as a friend.
We two are the same and for once I belong.
But is this a false sense of comfort,
to lure me into its grasp?

Black
Always taunting and just out of reach.
Is it brave to become black,
Or braver to ignore its pleas?
Tired of fighting its temptation,
My soul seeks out its embrace.

Black

Trapped inside my head.
Aware that nothing is real.
Powerless to escape the web of lies,
That traps me from within.

Shall I always play the victim,
Or find the strength to **** the demons,
That are ever present in my head.
Always screaming from within.

Beaten and willing to accept the madness,
I finally find peace...

I sit alone and wonder,
Why I'm always in the dark.
The sun it shines so brightly,
But it doesn't reach my heart.

I feel so lost and broken,
Like my soul will tear apart.
I care no more for anything,
My indifference was the start.

The tears they flow so often,
For reasons I do not know.
I bask in my depression,
And the emptiness that grows.

I am scared of my surroundings,
So I do not leave this place.
I find a sense of safety,
From life's obscure embrace.

I wish for a connection,
A branch for which to cling.
But the power of the darkness,
Won't let me stretch my wings.

So I suffer here in silence,
Part of life's bitter game.
I am trapped in its grasp,
I will never be the same.

Deep beneath the depths of me,
Are buried wounds you cannot see.
I wish for others to feel my pain,
For in my mind there is a stain.

A stain that remains inside my head,
That makes me wish that I was dead.
'Tis a fight only I can wage,
Against the chaos and the rage.

So much darkness and decay,
That I can barely keep at bay.
I often long for some relief,
A helping hand to hold my grief.

I carry hope within my heart,
That my mind won't tear apart.
My pain is crushing inside of me,
With this illness you cannot see.

The fear moves in like a rising storm
Black and gnarled in shape and form
Caught in its grasp I struggle and fight
Inside I'm screaming with all my might
Why don't you hear me, can't you see
I'm a little girl lost who needs to be free.

"Fill the world with kindness and you give the gift of hope."

Dreams are mirrors of the mind,
Reflectors of the heart,
And a reminder of our souls.

Do you remember those times...
The times we would talk for hours,
Or just sit together in silence.
Always together...
We'd tell each other our dreams.
Through the laughter and the tears.
It was our journey to share.
Until you broke my heart.
Was I just a toy to you?
Easily broken and thrown away.
You had me fooled,
And I played the fool well.
You were darkness disguised as light.
I long to see you again.
But I am smarter now,
And I will play the fool no more.

"A negative mind is its own self-fulfilling prophecy."

"Anger is not your enemy, but your response to it determines its power over your soul."

Love will find you,
If you know where to find it.

Bow and flowers,
Crinkle and rot.
Like I feel with my stomach in knots.
The sun shines brightly,
But my eyes are closed.
I see the thorns instead of the rose.
I feel the wind running through my hair.
Once so soothing, I no longer care.
I long for the days when my soul was whole.
The pain I feel has taken its toll.