I'm drunk
staring at your picture
like I can hear you calling my name
telling me it's time for bed.

There's a place I wish I knew, a place I sometimes crave, not to run away or hide


But to stay.  


I don't know where what or who this place is but I picture it to have my innocence, my confidence, and youth.


Something I feel I lost long ago.

I imagine it to be as warm as spring in mid-day with the fragrance of a childhood smiles, grass stains, the damp of dirt from the rain while a projector plays my best memories on the big screen.  

You know

the ones we forget.

I want to go there because lately, I don't want to be here.

I can blame it on the cold mornings or the lecture notes pending in my laptop.  
I can say I'm tired of molding every inch of me into the couch or I'm sore from breaking every part of me, and you'll blame it on something childish, ask me what I want - what I want to do - where I want to go.

And my mind will echo with this place I don't know.

I can't see your face through the dark room
only the glow from the tv shows your true outline

Like a coward, I keep still

Too scared to awaken and scream for help
I toss and turn hoping you'll leave

I was a child


Innocent


Why didn't you come forward when I woke and cried in my mother's arms
Were you ashamed then
Did you feel instant regret
Would you take it back


Lie to me and tell you will


Make it go away
Redeem me
Burn a hole in my memories until I feel my childhood pure

Leave me pure

Please, just tell me who you are
Just let me put a face to the nightmare that haunts me every time I close my eyes

Do you not owe me that at least

Can I just have my peace of mind and hurt you 
Like you hurt me

Let me traumatize you the same way my bones feels your presence creep up on me
The shudder I feel flow through my legs and spine makes me freeze and remember
What I wish to forget

Let you live with the guilt that eats at my soul.