Fay Kim Nov 14
Today the head from my Buddha broke off
And I realized
We'll never find peace after a hard fall.
Fay Kim Nov 14
Sometimes I crave to write just to feel my keyboard brush against my fingertips
I agree with their word of choice with the press of a comma
A small betrayal when they rewrite our secrets

But I crave that deep ache that turns my bones brittle
That heartbreak plea for more when the space bar sings

"No more," My tongue pleas

But the stories are tangling around my body like a noose
the stitches in my skin are reopening with the press of a button
and at last, I feel free.

_________

"What have you done."

Pressing save with a confidence the tongue will always lack.
"Something you should've."
Fay Kim Nov 14
I want to wake up in the morning and have it gone.
I want to wake up slip my clothes on without feeling your hands tangled around me
Brush my hair without having to swat away the prints pressuring around my hips

If I could
I'll burn this vessel

Give me a lobotomy
I'm ready to risk it all for it to be gone.


I dream about what my world would be like if it never happened.
If your midnight hovering never came.
If the shame never quaked my legs and suffocated my peace.

But still every night I go to bed with wishful thoughts
hopeful that it'll be gone in the morning
and wake up in disappointment when the feeling returns
Fay Kim Nov 3
There's a tightness in my chest as I gasp for air
Hugging my frame I wonder how these thoughts began.

How had my mind betrayed me so bitterly.

I feel as if somedays my vessel leaves me tied in bed in the morning, bringing me the stories of today when it returns tonight.

________________

"Did I smile today?"

She smirks, running her hand through my stale hair.

"Yes," She whispers, slipping into the cold covers.  "Everyone believed it."

I hug her close despite the emptiness she brings me; trying to remember what it was like before she came.
Fay Kim Oct 23
I can't see your face through the dark room
only the glow from the tv shows your true outline

Like a coward, I keep still

Too scared to awaken and scream for help
I toss and turn hoping you'll leave

I was a child


Innocent


Why didn't you come forward when I woke and cried in my mother's arms
Were you ashamed then
Did you feel instant regret
Would you take it back


Lie to me and tell you will


Make it go away
Redeem me
Burn a hole in my memories until I feel my childhood pure

Leave me pure

Please, just tell me who you are
Just let me put a face to the nightmare that haunts me every time I close my eyes

Do you not owe me that at least

Can I just have my peace of mind and hurt you 
Like you hurt me

Let me traumatize you the same way my bones feels your presence creep up on me
The shudder I feel flow through my legs and spine makes me freeze and remember
What I wish to forget

Let you live with the guilt that eats at my soul.
Fay Kim Oct 16
One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

I see my flaws at the door
You're shaking their hands and letting them in.
I sit so close - skin to skin while you discuss my chopped hair and tarnished skin
Blandly discussing how you want me thin.

Five.

Six.

I blame the mirror for making me like this.
Counting the marks that don't look so beautiful - don't shine or sparkle.
Fighting the tears and biting my lip
I look at you with reassuring eyes.

Seven.

Eight.

Nine.


I don't think you ever wanted to be mine.


Ten.
Fay Kim Oct 16
There's a place I wish I knew, a place I sometimes crave, not to run away or hide


But to stay.  


I don't know where what or who this place is but I picture it to have my innocence, my confidence, and youth.


Something I feel I lost long ago.

I imagine it to be as warm as spring in mid-day with the fragrance of a childhood smiles, grass stains, the damp of dirt from the rain while a projector plays my best memories on the big screen.  

You know

the ones we forget.

I want to go there because lately, I don't want to be here.

I can blame it on the cold mornings or the lecture notes pending in my laptop.  
I can say I'm tired of molding every inch of me into the couch or I'm sore from breaking every part of me, and you'll blame it on something childish, ask me what I want - what I want to do - where I want to go.

And my mind will echo with this place I don't know.

— The End —