staring at your picture
like I can hear you calling my name
telling me it's time for bed.
Today the head from my Buddha broke off
And I realized
We'll never find peace after a hard fall.
Sometimes I crave to write just to feel my keyboard brush against my fingertips
I agree with their word of choice with the press of a comma
A small betrayal when they rewrite our secrets
But I crave that deep ache that turns my bones brittle
That heartbreak plea for more when the space bar sings
"No more," My tongue pleas
But the stories are tangling around my body like a noose
the stitches in my skin are reopening with the press of a button
and at last, I feel free.
"What have you done."
Pressing save with a confidence the tongue will always lack.
"Something you should've."
I want to wake up in the morning and have it gone.
I want to wake up slip my clothes on without feeling your hands tangled around me
Brush my hair without having to swat away the prints pressuring around my hips
If I could
I'll burn this vessel
Give me a lobotomy
I'm ready to risk it all for it to be gone.
I dream about what my world would be like if it never happened.
If your midnight hovering never came.
If the shame never quaked my legs and suffocated my peace.
But still every night I go to bed with wishful thoughts
hopeful that it'll be gone in the morning
and wake up in disappointment when the feeling returns
There's a tightness in my chest as I gasp for air
Hugging my frame I wonder how these thoughts began.
How had my mind betrayed me so bitterly.
I feel as if somedays my vessel leaves me tied in bed in the morning, bringing me the stories of today when it returns tonight.
"Did I smile today?"
She smirks, running her hand through my stale hair.
"Yes," She whispers, slipping into the cold covers. "Everyone believed it."
I hug her close despite the emptiness she brings me; trying to remember what it was like before she came.
I can't see your face through the dark room
only the glow from the tv shows your true outline
Like a coward, I keep still
Too scared to awaken and scream for help
I toss and turn hoping you'll leave
I was a child
Why didn't you come forward when I woke and cried in my mother's arms
Were you ashamed then
Did you feel instant regret
Would you take it back
Lie to me and tell you will
Make it go away
Burn a hole in my memories until I feel my childhood pure
Leave me pure
Please, just tell me who you are
Just let me put a face to the nightmare that haunts me every time I close my eyes
Do you not owe me that at least
Can I just have my peace of mind and hurt you
Like you hurt me
Let me traumatize you the same way my bones feels your presence creep up on me
The shudder I feel flow through my legs and spine makes me freeze and remember
What I wish to forget
Let you live with the guilt that eats at my soul.