Like a drug I craved you.
I needed to feel your skin pressed against mine, it was a addiction I could not break.
the way your eyes would move over me made me wanna beg on my knees for you.
any part would do.... your mere attention fulfilled me.
I didn't read the warning label when I opened you and took a taste.
forgot that all medication has side affects.
but yours was more fatale.... more dangerous than anything I had ever experienced before.
you brought me to this line coasting between life and death, so close to falling, but I didn't care. how was I supposed to when it felt so good?
but I knew you were bad the minute I knew I may not be able to live without you.... finally realizing how I was beyond addicted while I was little to no meaning to you.
I knew you would leave, I had no doubt in my mind....
so why couldn't I spare myself the heartache and go first?
why did I stay and let you destroy me?

I couldn't tell you....
so I would lay in bed at night and dream that you were holding me, whispering endlessly in my ear about random nothings full of silent every things.
I couldn't tell you....
so I'd write about you, endlessly with meaningful rhythm.
making sure I get every thought in.... how you'd smile at me in the moonlight, trying to find words that expressed the way you'd laugh, or how your eyes would do that thing when you were confused.
I couldn't tell you....
so every time your name came up I felt an earth quake start to form in the middle of my chest. trying everything to disguise the pain that had rooted there from your absence.
I couldn't tell you....
so I let all these feelings take me over.... it wasn't supposed to be you, and I knew that. but what was I supposed to do? tell myself I was wrong?
so I did what any sane person would do....
locked away that aching pain to go out and pull you close, shoved the idea that you maybe feel the same so far down that it drowned in it's own hope eventually killing itself.
I couldn't tell you.... so I let it **** me.

so there's this boy....
his eyes are pool's of blue I'd so willingly drown in.
And when he smiles I just can't help but stare and smile too.
so there's this boy....
And let me tell you, I can see it all.
I can see how he'll look at me early in the morning when we first wake up, or how late at night he'll pull me close.
I see all the love that would be shared between us, the late movie night's and early breakfast's before work.
sometimes I feel like we could be holding an eternity of possibilities in our hands.
so there's this boy....
And you may not believe me but he's got a heart of gold.... it shines through everything he does.
how he talks to people, conversating like it's the best part of his day. it's in all the little things you wouldn't notice if you didn't truly look. but it's in everything he does.
so there's this boy....
And I can't seem to stop thinking about him.... and he probably doesn't even know.
but I'm telling you there's this boy and every time he comes to mind, I get a glimpse of what we truly could be.

I grip the stained pen....
trying to stay in between the lines.
my hands are shaking, palms sweaty.
pressing the metal ball down towards the crumpled paper, pressing and pressing but nothing comes out....
a tear falls from my cheek as the dry cartridge remind me of you.
stall notebooks lining my book shelf.
I need the ink to bleed from me as you did
but the words are gone since you left.

You broke me, but that is nothing new.... I knew you had the means to break me when we were almost something.... I had handed you my most prized possession.
I so effortlessly passed myself over, too naive to think about the consequences, or the fact that even though I love you, it didn't mean you loved me.....
I knew you broke me when I was sitting in a restaurant too exhausted to cook, breaking down at the table by myself while watching couples who could have been us laughing and eating.
I knew you broke me when I hated going to bed and staring up at that stupid dull white ceiling in silence, my mind going over everything I might have done wrong.
when sleep came I was finally at peace, but not for long....
I knew you broke me when every morning I dreaded getting up because it meant I had to do another day without you.
I knew you broke me when I hated myself, hated how I looked because maybe if I looked better you would have stayed and chosen me.
hated how I talked, maybe if i used a softer tone? or more stern? you wouldn't have chosen her?
maybe if my eyes were blue? or my hair blonde?
I knew you broke me when I was tearing myself apart because you left....
you broke me, but I already knew you would.

Its funny how I stare at this blank piece of paper.... and all I can think about is you.
but I see you in everything, so how is this any different?
maybe because we were never anything.... we were stolen glances, with quick intense touches, eye contact that made me feel dizzy, hands accidently touching and I thought my skin was gonna light on fire, everything was so intense.... it still is.
so why? why won't you just kiss me?
prove to me I'm not making this up.... I can't be.
but maybe it's like a dream, maybe it all feels so real but once you wake up you realize it was only you the whole time, making it all up.
I pray that's not the case.
I pray that you feel this crazy pull towards me as I feel to you.
I pray you feel the same, even just a little.

Deep in my heart I knew you'd leave.
I knew I wasn't good enough, even though I tried.
but I wanna know how you left so effortlessly?
I gave you my all.... so fully, leaving none of myself for me.
I rooted my self worth in you, if you loved me, I loved me. (but I would always love you more)
so how? how could you just leave without a second thought, knowing I loved you? knowing I would have given you the world  if you only would have asked?
you told me to jump and I asked how high.
even now, if you came back, I'd welcome you with open arms.
saying sorry for anything I did to make you leave. because I loved you. and I always will love you.
but I know you won't. you couldn't, you chose not to.
I was a space holder, no matter the lies you told me, the loved you pretended to share.
I was a mere page in your story, but you were my book....