I dreamt about you last night.... the kind of dream where everything is so real, everything makes so much sense.
The kind of dream where once you woke up you need to do everything in your power to prove it was real, someway or somehow.
you told me you loved me.... the words like sweet honey coming from your lips. I wrapped my arms around you and felt more at home than I had ever been in my life.
You smiled, it was right at me, and contagiously I fell for it and smiled right back.
your eyes were pools I was willingly drowning in.
It couldn't have been a dream? please say it wasn't....
you held me, I was happy.
but then I pinched myself, this beautiful world where you and I were what we were always supposed to be came crashing down before I even had the time to scream your name.
I need you.... god, I need you, I will always need you.

The fresh morning snow cast a sparkling glow over the quiet dawn.
The puffy clouds resembling my eyes full of tears.
The doves chose not to sing their sunny tune.
The world hushing to nothing more than a whisper.
The wind holding back it's hollow goodbye.  
The darkness watched, waiting to claim you as his own.
And the sun shone for the very last time.

I wanted to scream....
and
scream
and
scream....
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! god, I'm so sorry.
but I couldn't, I was choking, and crying.
silently dying.
every word I spoke killed, my touch shattering.
everything is my fault.
who is this person I have become?

I still see you in my dreams sometimes, like echoes in my head of something familiar.
paper was my new best friend, it listened as i laced my words with pain and beauty, heartbreak and desire.
'we still could be' was the last thing you said before I walked away.
(that's right, i walked away this time)
I knew the what the words you said meant. the silent question mark lingering in the air.
but I couldn't bring myself to answer.... not then.... so I'll answer now.
I could love you till the sun stop's shinning and the moon stop's rising. but the truth to us is we were never meant to last that long.
we were stubborn and messy, young and reckless.
but I can still miss you, dream and write about you.
but when you said 'we still could be' somewhere deep in my heart  knew, and answered for me.

you were uprooting me and not even trying to hide it....
ripping me apart from the seems on purpose.
like it gave you some sort of pleasure to sit there and destroy me.
i could feel the life being ****** out of my soul, and i screamed your name because you were supposed to be my hero.
i was drowning.... but you were the reason.
you just kept pushing me down further and further, as i screamed for help.
screaming
and
screaming
and
screaming
trying so hard to hold on, grasp anything i could to escape this torturous reality.
but you were everywhere, stabbing me from every angle.
you were supposed to save me.
my hero.

I've been running pens dry because of you.
taking the dark black ink and ripping it of its pigment.
like you did to my heart, holding it and admiring it until you used it all.... drained it, ****** the life out of it.
all i wanted was you.... you and genuine love but i couldn't get that, so now i need something, a destraction, a medication to heal this drained and shattered heart.
I will empty pens just like you emptied me.
carelessly....

we were nothing.... and i sat there and looked at you like you held the world in your hands, but still we were nothing....
when we looked at each other it was like worlds were colliding,
I could feel the invisible string tugging at us, making it so obvious.
I ached for you.... craved to know what you felt like, what it would feel like to know you and hold you.
you were holding me hostage with just your eyes.
and god, when we touched, just our hands.... it was fire, pure exotic fire, setting ablaze in our souls. telling us.... making it so clear.
how could we not have?
how could we have sat there in front of each other for so many weeks and not just plant the seed that was so ready to bloom, before it was even in the ground?
how could we have let this slip by so silently while crying to be released?