The way others view me,
Their theories are all incorrect,
But I don't know how to crack my own egg shell,
Show them what my soul shows me.
My heart and mind do not line up.
I yearn for things that did me wrong.
Laziness floods my habits and goals,
Until I drown in unsuccess.
I return to the places of my past
And to their people when I feel aloof.
It's weird to think that my friends barely know me,
And the butcher knows me best.

I've never known love
Yes, I've seen the word everywhere
Seen others experience it
Yet I never have
But I thought I did

I mistook lust for love
And when he lusted over the innocence and
purity of my white rabbit self
I assumed that it was love
Because I'd never been loved before

And when I was younger
And he would always physically hurt me
His parents said it meant he liked me
My parents said that's just how boys are
So I assumed that it was love

And back to the first man I've ever dated
Though I don't like to consider him
When he pressured me into a relationship
When he was ten years older than me
But I stayed
Because I thought it was love

And then my freedom was taken for 768 days
Because they caught me talking to the man
I couldn't tell any of my friends
Any of them that I was groomed
Because I didn't know if it "counted" if it was online
I didn't know if it was love

I knew another guy at the time
One who knew my groomer
And I fell in love with him
I thought that I'd finally found love
But after he broke up with me
And crawled back eight months later
He admitted to talking to other people
In the whole sixteen days we dated.
I was partially loved for sixteen days.

And finally, in the spring
I met a third guy I told others about
But I wish I didn't
I asked him to ask me out
But he never did
He responded to my love
With jokes about ****
And sexist remarks, so I left

There have been many other guys along the way
With the two I've dated
One I talked to, one groomed me, one cheated

Lusted, but never loved
Just to fill in for someone else
And I hold my independence proudly
But I've had it ever since I was born

I've watched everyone else fall in love
Yet I watch from the sidelines
Wondering when I'll be loved
Truly loved
For once in my life.

he tore, he wore and ran to me, and tried to eat my brains

the sun and fun that came before, were drowned out by the rains

he left my guts spilling out and a hole inside my head

he left my heart spilling out and left me lying dead

the life that once was part of me had been turned down to scraps

it melted down and seeped out through the earth’s loving cracks

he crushed my light pink lungs and i gasped out a last breath

he gouged out both my eyes, now with the haziness of death

he threw my body to the lake but i floated to the top

blood spilled out of my body but i floated to the top

few citizens of the town saw me floating away that night

but they didn’t report the body, too much of a sight

they blamed me for the fact that i was there, floating dead

they assumed that it was me, with the hole inside my head

upon my blood full of justice, fully full of red

upon my eyes full of revenge, fully full of dead

Everyday, I stand by the port
And wait for the boats to come in
And everyday, when the ship arrives
Not a single person gets off

At least not for me they don't
They run up to their friends
Kiss their lovers hello
Running on the dock with suitcases

They stare at me as they walk past
Only one there with no one to welcome
I feel them staring when I'm not looking
I wish they would stop staring.

Everyday, I stand by the port
Waiting for my sailor to come home
But my sailor never leaves the boat
Please, come home.