"Whenever you're stressed,
you internalize it to your gut"
my doctor told me.

My mother always said:
"You feel everything in your stomach."

And it all makes sense now,
How I got knots and twists,
when you said goodbye.
And how I got nauseous,
when I saw you holding her hand.

But if that's true,
why does my chest hurt so much?

If I wasn't gay would people care?
Would they actually let me breath the same air?
Could I actually go to school,
without people being so cruel?
Could I live in a world with no hate?
Maybe people would love me if I was straight.
It's not as easy as people think.
I can't just go to a shrink.
I didn't choose to be this way.
You really think I'd want to be gay?
I don't want attention,
I don't want fame.
This isn't some sort of game.
I am who I am and thats okay.
Most people don't see it that way.
I only wish I could be the same.
To have a wedding and it not be shamed.
I want to have kids and not be judged.
I don't want my reputation smudged.
But apparently I'm different now.
Sick in the head somehow.
Therapy and shock treatment for something that can't be fixed.
How did I get put into this mix?
Toxic and tragic,
that's my life.  
It's like I was stabbed in the back with a knife.
I'm gay,
what's wrong with that?
I get treated like some rat.
Using your holy books and your religion.
To fight against something that makes no difference.
I want to be a human not a punching bag.
Always getting called a ***.
Let that word have power and it gets to you.
But that words as good as whatever is stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I love being this way.
I don't care what you say.

All those eyes face upon my movement like a circus monkey,
Laughing at the uncontrollable flailing of my arms and head.

How could I express my embarrassment of so many entertained by my misery,
Like the stabbing of needles around my whole body.

So much movement and sound moving in thousand beats per second,
"And this desire to release sensory overload by hitting against my head."

This solitude of being alone is overwhelming,
And I wish I can convey my deepest emotions.

Only if I can communicate my world to you,
And tell you how I feel.
To dream like you,
And have many aspirations.

How could I express these thoughts to you,
I am a human being stuck in a different body!

Please be patient with me,
Show me the right way,
And I will show you my deepest thoughts,
My dreams.

i laugh at everything and
i talk about my emotions
so freely and i'm open to
everyone i meet but i'm
so scared and i can't even
force myself to get close
anymore
i can't believe i let this
happen
when did it get so bad