There’s a pressure building up behind my eyes
Will I release it if I cry? Will I release it if I die?
There’s a shakiness in his hands, in my hands
There’s a shakiness in the word ‘goodbye’

I’ve got fear, in puddles and petals
I sense men who disturb and unsettle
They lurk by my feet, they eat and eat
And threaten to make my body a vessel

And the devil is crawling between my lips
Offering me wine, offering me sips
Hands covering ears, chest covered in fears
My head feels heavy as it all takes a dip

I’m sorry, sir, for speaking to you
With my tongue only ever in my cheek
But I love you, oh I do

And I’m sorry, ma’am, for speaking to you
With my tongue grasped in my teeth
I spoke my blood, but oh! you were loved

(I wonder if they'll forgive those sins?)

Im sorry, I am, how could I ever apologize?
You trusted me, but I let that die
And I know an apology can’t suffice
I’m sorry, I guess a lot of things die

(No matter what, I love you)

And when I finally go to sleep
What will happen to my soul?
I wonder, will I drown in a river of gold?

Will there be rest in my sleep?
I wonder if it’s like I’ve been told
Oh, I’m holding out for a river of gold


(My eyes are looking away, I’m sorry!)
(Remember me, please? My eyes are closed)

...

My feelings and thoughts are running in constant loop
They're mixed up and messy like alphabet soup
and the noodles don't clearly spell out L-I-K-E

Just when I think my head's sorted out and right
The word "love" tries to invade in another bite
Ughh! What the hell is up with me?!


Here's a bit of food for thought:
Do I like you or do I not?
I want others to know you're romantically "mine"
but the problem is I'm not romance inclined..



See, things get confusing when platonic and romantic mash
So, irritated, I throw my bowl in the trash

A pretty, puffy, lavender dress tight-fitting to her tummy
Seated at a plastic chair chomping on treats oh-so-yummy!
Plump lips slathered in clear lip gloss and a couple cupcake crumbs
She smiles at me, says 'pull up a seat', and I'm sure this'll be fun


Dolls and teddy bears, teeny plastic cups filled with kiddie tea
Batting long lashes and adoring eyes, she directs attention on me


A cloud of cotton candy perfume hangs in the air as she gushes
I compliment her party, and she looks away and blushes


"lets not talk about me, how about Bear?"
Taps his head "he's got all the latest gossip up there"
I laugh, "How about you, little one, any stories to tell?"
She pauses for a moment, bites her lip, "well..."


She's trembling, I see, it comes out in a stream
"There's lots of stuff I'm not supposed to tell about mommy."

"But ***** said she once lost three babies, where did they go?
and once upon she didn't eat, how'd ***** know?
I've got a lot of baby fat as well, take a peek
And maybe I'd be as pretty as mommy if I didn't eat."


"Mommy never pays attention to me, cause ***** cuts her wrist
We never play anymore now, I always get dismissed...
I was once in the room, you know, I watched her bleed
And there's some blades in this carpet now, it's terrifying."

"Also, did you know daddy's never home?
He's got a new.. girlfriend now.. and a house of his own
Mommy's still his wife so thats weird I think
It's also nice, when he was here all he did was hit and scream."

"But it makes mommy cry, I don't want to see her sad
and her and ***** always fight, why're they so mad?
Mommy's so upset with me too, I'm afraid she'll run away
Hey, is it my fault if my mommy doesn't stay?"


Bitter tea sweetened with the slow drip of tears
Aloud, this little girl has voiced my worst fears
I push away my chair, prepared to walk out
Her lips begin to purse into a childish pout


"I knew it! I knew it! I should've never even told!
I won't tell anyone ever again! Get out! Just go!"
.

She was a bit like the moon

Shining with borrowed happiness
and glowing with light that wasn't her own

But

the moment she felt unloved
she sank beneath the horizen
dark once more