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[ ] You will forever be the best thing to ever enter my life. I think about that every day. You were good to me in ways I never knew possible and I cant imagine any soul could ever compare. I want to run back to you every evening and just spend my nights in your arms knowing we will be okey. And I think about how lovely our future could be. But I remember that that conversation has never brought us happiness, and that breaks me every time. I'm not doing well without you, but I'm trying. And I hope you are too.
I know it might have looked like "all or nothing" from your point of view, but you were terribly mistaken. At five years old, I promised to never love a man that couldn't appreciate slow dancing in the kitchen.

But I loved you for years anyway, and let myself down. I had to accept that dancing alone was as good as it would get.

So when you wouldnt choose me in the end and expected me to stick around anyway, it wasn't all or nothing.

I realized you had never chosen me. And I stopped choosing myself too.

That's wasn't love.
Set your own standards. And set them for a reason.
Maybe one day, the right man will come along and read all the quotes encrypted on your body. And he will inquire the truths hidden beneath each designation. Only then will he truly know you. Only then will he truly understand.
Every mark has a story to tell. No one has heard them all, but you.
She won't let you see.
Why?

They're all one in the same.
Yours and hers,
Hearts both on the table.
Only hers is halfway off the edge.
So close, but you just can't touch.

She won't let you see.
Why?

Intimate and passionate as one.
Yours and hers,
Bodies both skin to skin.
Only her bra will never come off.
So close but you just can't touch.

Her body,
Will never be naked.
Physically and Emotionally.

Why?
She won't let you in.
For the girls that won't let their guard down, you'll hear this well..
They say I deserve better.
But I disagree
because I fell inlove with his heart
and I know what I see.
Stubborn, independent,
and mostly he's free.
The cycle grows, but him and I
are all I want to be.
Look into a person's eyes and fall for their heart and soul. ❤  Nothing else has to matter. Through thick and thin two people can form an unbreakable bond. Dont let anyone block that view.
 Dec 2019 Sunshine Girl
Àŧùl
Every night you come to my dreams,
You come to my dreams and whisper,
Whisper sweet little nothings you do,
You do it to me all the time, oh Jenny,
Jenny, you're so beautiful and pure,
A purity expands from my memories,
Emanate from my sleep does your purity.
My HP Poem #1815
©Atul Kaushal
 Nov 2019 Sunshine Girl
Àŧùl
In the morning,
When I wake up,
I go to brush my teeth.

And there I see you in the mirror,
Twinkling within my eyes,
As hangover of the dream last night.

I fall in love still again,
When I remember you,
In the morning yet again.
My HP Poem #1807
©Atul Kaushal
Happy belated birthday Mom,
I'm sorry it's two days late,
but I've been a bad daughter
and an even worse person.
You always told me not to go to your grave or put flowers on your headstone;
"I won't be under that ground," you'd say,
"and don't waste your money on flowers, I'll have no use for them where I'm going."
I still visit sometimes, and I do still bring flowers, but not nearly enough.
I know if I had been the one buried, you'd wear the grass down with your feet and then have the courtesy to plant some seeds.

Almost eight years later I still think about you everyday
and not a minute goes by where I don't miss you terribly.
What a cruel thing it is, to live a life where you're always missing someone.
To have so many things to say and receive no reply.

You would've been fifty seven this year.
I wonder how you would look as you got older, and sometimes, rarely, I forget what you looked and sounded like when you were here.
That's probably the worst part of it.

The first time I visited your grave was about a month or so after you had been buried,
the graveyard drowning in so much snow I actually visited the wrong headstone.
I'm sure Mr.Brown enjoyed the talk, though.
It was only after digging my bare hands through ten inches of snow and ice that I realized I was four spots down.
I then recognized your grave from the moonlight reflecting off the glass vases of yellow roses we had placed there during your funeral,
wedged in place with the snow hugging them tightly;
the roses frozen in time,
it was both beautiful and aggravating.
Good things funerals cost so much,
they should be able to have someone clean up the plot after the service.
I threw the roses out and gently tried to remove the vases:
the one with "wife" shattered in my hands and my frostbitten fingers picked each shard out from the snow.
I still carry a scar from that vase.
The one with "mother" on it remained in tact, I was just as gentle with it but it did not shatter.
You told me near the end that nothing in this world, nothing was powerful enough to ever have you taken away from me.
That vase sits on my dining room table to this day, nursing a reluctantly dying plant just as you'd want.
I don't think I'll ever have the green thumb like you did.

But I have everything else from you,
you always told me Kate was raised by your sister and that she was too much when you were so young,
"But you, Emily, you're MY daughter."
You said I was a godsend of a baby, never crying, content just to sleep,
and that I carried an old soul.
You laughed at how I always excelled at being alone as a child,
and you were so intrigued by my sense of imagination and creativity.
You always said you were the same when you were a kid.

So tell me, now that I'm older and I feel so alone all the time,
am I still you?
Were you this isolated and alien at my age now?
Did you carry the empathy to cry at little things you saw on the street or in a commercial,
so much so that you believe this world to be lost?
That you saw life as one big slap in the face?

I still try my best everyday to make you proud,
It breaks my heart constantly to think I didn't when you were here.
But life is cruel like that, and I was young and stupid and arrogant.
I know if you see my daily life,
you know I'm not 100% better,
and I know I probably never will be.
But I work hard, and I always say my "please" and "thank you"'s,
and I live by your example of always trying to help anyone in need.
It might not make up for the demons that I struggle with,
but atleast I still fight them, right?
I lost some years there where I should've died, and sometimes I wish I had,
but I didn't. I'm still here. I'm still trying.
And to be honest, it's not for me, or for my family, for love or sunsets, or dogs or any of the things that bring me up to a solid "content."

It's for you, because you taught me that's what you do in life.
You fight. You fight until your last breath.

I've thought this a million times in my head, but I'll say it now,
you were always right about everything.
As teenage girls, we challenge our mothers at every turn and decision,
convinced we are mature and capable of making decisions,
and then we say hurtful things when we don't get our way.
So you deserve to hear it, you were always right.

I wish I could tell you face to face.
I would tell you how much I miss you, more than either of us could've ever predicted.
I would tell you how blessed I feel to have had such an amazing mother.
I would apologize for judging you for the drinking,
I would tell you it took me forever to realize, but eventually I accepted my mother was human just like everyone else,
and just like everyone else, myself included, you made mistakes.
Above all else, I would tell you that I love you more than you'll ever know.

I'll be turning twenty-nine next month,
which means I have one year left of smoking.
I didn't forget my promise to you, I'll quit on my thirtieth birthday.
I'll continue looking out for my sister to the best of my abilities,
even though she can be impulsive and brash on occasion.
I'll continue to show empathy and kindness to as many people as possible, just like you would've wanted.
And finally, one day I hope to keep the promise I made to you so many years ago:
I promise to try and be happy.
Extremely personal write, but needed to get it out. If you're lucky enough to still have a mother, tell her you love her today and thank her for existing.
I was never the type
of child that obeyed
much  of anything;
not even the many
times  I was told
not to stare into
the evening sun
when I felt
alone.
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