My age does't define me.
I'm underdeveloped
and mentally delayed.

I burden others
with my ways-
Of making mistakes
Which even a child
would't make.

I see myself
as a weight
on everyone I touch.

Like an illness
that can't be understood
or seen.

I feel at a loss-
knowing I'm odd
Unlike others my age.

I feel independent-
Only to see,
that in reality
I'm not.

Premature at birth
is not an excuse.
To others around me,
I need to try to function
the same.

But I never get it right.
As if I try only to bring myself
back down.

To feel I'll always stay delayed
and betrayed by
my own efforts.

They say I was a miracle baby.
Surviving a 90% possibility
of death or permanent mental damage.

But no one knows
This all comes with a price-
That only degraded my worth
as I grew older.

I can't blame my own birth.
I know it's a blessing to be alive.

It only makes me wonder.
if others would perceive me differently.
As stupid.

The real world
may turn away
when they see me.

How little I could do.
However;
I was born to stay alive.

With this underdeveloped mind-
To be able
to empathise with others
in pain.

Others can judge me,
but I'll never judge myself
anymore.

I will meet others
who carry the same
heavy heart.

And we will create
a movement-
To love others just as they are.

I feel so alone
isolated from my own
mind and heart

Two beings at constant war 
I just want to feel normal
despite knowing I'd never be

A battle I'd forever be a part of
and I'm simply petrified
an ache in my heart
that'll never be mended

But I will love myself
most of all, cherish those I love
give every cell of my being 
to the few of those who truly see me, 
love me, and accept me
in all that I am and ever can be

The urges and thoughts
toy with my heart
my mind collapsing in
what feels like slow motion

Old habits revitalized
like a dying need
to **** in a breath
after my soul being
bound and *****

A torturous nightmare
intertwined with the shadow
of truth and surrealness

Funny how trauma can forever
stain the mind with so many
shades of colors from the
darkest of blacks to hauntingly white

My quiet hell from the past
where self-sabotage, fear
and delusional trust collide

Deciding to live resiliently
I stride forward while fighting this endless silent war,
to reclaim my sense of self-worth

Putting my heart on paper
I know I am alive

You created my darkness
You created my sexuality

I'm stable
I'm uncontrollable
I'm a **** in disguise
What no one else can see

I'm a child
weeping to be heard

I'm a *******
Seeking vengeance
love
and acceptance

I know it's all in my head
The aftermath of the hurt you've made me endure
But I can't find a cure

I'm at an end
Nothing can save me

Alone
I'll forever feel alone

Feeling lost and alone
feeling unloved and abandoned
You take the blade to your wrist one more time.

You lock yourself up in solitude.
Using the hurt
and replacing it with a sense of release.

I want to show you just how much you mean to me.
You are loved
and you always will be.

I want to guide you away from the depths of depression
I want to be there for you every day
every hour
every second.
Just to show you that you are thought of every waking moment.

You are never alone in this fight.
Let me be there for you to talk you out of suicide.

I want to show you all my love.
Reassure you that you don’t need to hurt yourself anymore.
I want to give you hope that this hell won't last forever.

You’re strong.
And in time,
I believe you will make it out of this hellhole.
You are really stronger than you think.

And even if you push me away,
my love for you will never change.

Baby steps.
It's okay to fall once in a while.
As long as you keep your eyes on the prize.
As long as you are determined
To get to where ever you want to go.

Just keep trying
And even if you falter
Just never give up.

Baby steps go a long way.

These feelings still tie me down.
I’m only abusing myself,
by remembering it all once again.

It shouldn’t disturb me this much.
It’s been years since it all happened.

I just need to let it all go.
Let it all turn to ashes in the fire.
Let them burn out,
until they can’t hurt me anymore.

I need to free myself,
I’m a better person for all that’s happened.
Even the bad things in life
can turn into epiphany.

I’m lost
in the depths of confusion.

I can’t see
nor hear a sound.
My mind is in ruins.

I try to piece the thoughts back together.
But they are just lost
somewhere in the blinding darkness
of my cluttered mind.

I can’t utter a word.
Only silence escapes my lips
and engolfs me.

In hopes of healing
I write
until I feel the soothing sense of contentment
and release.

In fear
in chaos
and blinded
by the silence inside my head.

I long for words to slip through my lips
to make everything all right again.

Nothing really lasts
Even a fraction of a second
can end as soon as it came

No love can last
None strong enough to endure
The madness that burrows
Itself deep within me

Unfixable
Unforgivable

I am nothing
But a mere shadow
Of existence

Seeking love
In all the
dangerous places

Nothing lasts
Not love
Not I

All that remains is
This illness
That carries me
That will always carry me

I want out
I need out
this plague in my mind

How it takes over all of me
to a point where nothing
else exists of me

I am darkness
I feel nothing
I only sense death 
so close
it's almost comforting

I am so scared to live this life alone
but this is what I get for having 
a mind so corrupted
a soul so lost

I won't always be able to change 
in every way people need me to change

I wish I had the courage to live fully
I wish I had the courage to end it all

Whereas my soul
is smothered in
thick ashes from my past

The only way to move on
is to survive while 
dying to take my final breath

The beautifulest thing about a broken past
is that the present can't be brighter than it already is
because despite the hallow-hearted days,
I let myself shine as I embraced all 
of myself, the old and the new

Found and cherished friendships of gold
miraculously reunited with true love
 after losing it before

I may still be a little bruised here and there,
I may fall down every now and then,
but I'm alive, and I can finally see that
I will forever keep going

The colorless leaves
Blow in to the air

The cold breath
Of winter breeze gently flows
In and out of the trees

Serenity flows through me
Recalling childhood
Memories and dreams

Your melodic words
Keep playing inside my head

Telling me
To never give up hope
And my dreams

Then I vividly recall
The reason why I'm here

To find you
See that there is more to life
Than hopelessness, and fear

These butterflies on my scars
You've shown me how to heal
From everything depressing and dark

I dedicate this poem to you
For you are my everything
My beating heart.

I'm a concoction of emotions
digging my own grave

I back away from desired eyes
to avoid the shame and hurt
when my core's been exposed

Will this cycle of
remaining a prisoner 
of my own heart
ever come to an end

Perhaps I wasn't 
meant to be loved at all
but beautifully resilient 
on my own

Without warning
the past envelopes my senses
distorted and reconfigured
all still deeply ingrained
when I least expect it to be

These moments make me
realize I'd failed to be human
failed to heal
and I'm terrified
this'll never leave

I can never forget your silhouette
that night and what you'd started
these scars I bare share more
than just stories of you

But as long as I'm breathing
this war within myself
will continue to be fought

I feel the rush of existance
it once brought me so long ago
I long to feel alive again
to have the fleeting moment of ecstasy

I tap into my soul
it starts to unfold
as I let it take me there

Everything is lost
and yet emotions are strong

As I let my sanity
wander into oblivion
I am sold

I sell myself to all that lies within me-
emptiness, lust, desire, longings
of needing to feel wanted and alive

I slide another blade down my skin
as red pours over me
I let myself feel soothed
and stay in the stillness I call home

I know
without a doubt
that you'll never leave me

I sabotage myself
because of all this hurt
because I fear no one
will love me ever again

And if they do
it will only be temporary
they will view me as
a burden eventually

I am only a stepping stone for others
who don’t want to
get to know the real
vulnerable yet selfless me

All I hope
is for a better beginning
in the long run

At times
I feel
it's slowly eating me alive.

Sacrificing my sanity
in order to save other people's lives.

It's just a habit
I cannot break.

And a gift
I don't take for granted.

I still feel broken.
Lost in time
When I was left alone
In the cold.
Without a hand to hold.

I was small and weakened
By his words of hate.
He hated me,
Betrayed me.

He took my trust and disfigured my soul.
I felt abandoned and alone.
Lost in the cold.

He left me to bleed.
I tried to breathe

Instead I was used
Convinced that I was wrong.

I was too chained up
in denial to see.
Lost in their fantasies.

No words can describe any of this.
I only wish he never hurt me the way he did.

If only I knew none of it happened because of me.
I might just have been able to stay clean and untouched.

Like a drug
His words poisoned me
Creating a world of self hate.

I only wanted to feel free.
I had to keep bleeding
So I wouldn't remember what he did to me.

I had to replace everything with the feeling of its release.

My thinking is still distorted by his confusing lies.
Maybe someday I can tell him to speak the truth.

He tore out my heart.

So I thought,
Only to feel the real thing later on.

I want to blame him for setting my life up.
For making me feel so ******* worthless
that I would have felt happy to die for him if that made him forgive me.

For being the wrong one instead of him.

He hurt me for so long.
My heart and mind still needs mending.

My family never had a care in the world about me.
They didn't believe me.

And even now
It hurts like ****.

He made me voiceless.
It's why I used my skin instead.

No matter how much I want to trust
and love again
I feel as if I’m simply
damaged beyond repair
I gave my all

And as if I was merely some shadow
I felt unwanted and unseen
jealousy among other insecurities
the sense of losing everything

All I could do was either believe
everything would be okay
or withdraw from everyone I knew
including myself

I never knew love could
leave such a mark of self-hate and disgust
of terror and disorientation
about what love meant

I fear being loved again
but crave it
gaining the courage to trust
myself to trust again
is like walking on eggshells

Claiming my self worth and love
has gotten me far
yet this permanent fear
in my mind and heart
has already made a home

We breathe in
the air
that holds all our dreams.

And with every breath
we take
we are vitalized
once again.

I drown myself in music.
To forget everything I feel.
I remember and feel nothing
but what i am hearing at this very moment.

I need to forget it all.
Forget the shame,
the pain,
the agony of it all.

Every line I step across.
I only burden myself.

Every friendship I make turns to ruins.

Every cut
Every blood dropped on to the pavement
was all for you.

You broke me.
And all their touches deformed my heart.

But here I am
Still alive.

Drawn to words and thoughts
I want what's underneath the skin
vulnerability, anxiety
fears and desires

Giving all of who I am in return
plastering naivety and hope
replacing what once was skin

Blinded by hope
heart becoming infected 
by this merciful truth
like an illness life's stitched into me

Hurt and narcissism 
concoct incurable fears
I'm here as I am
living amongst
the soft and
dark-hearted

I’m slipping  through the cracks again.
But hope tells me to hold on

I wonder if someday
I can weave myself
in and out of my mind

Vivid images
still seared deep inside

Some days I wonder
if I was really meant to stay alive

You gently take my hand
as you pull me out of the misery
that I so blinded created on my own

You took me in
embraced me
and scared away the dark

You saw who I was 
and came into my life
a godsend
from above
yet so much more

You somehow helped me find myself
a person I never thought I knew
existed within me

You're forever 
my blessing

Think about what in 
life makes you the
happiest you can be

Follow the stepping stones
don't shy away from
what you know makes you come alive
and rejuvenated with love, purpose, and passion

And keep it close to your heart
because nobody can take
that away from you

Fragments
of abandoned dreams
swirl and slither
in between.

My mind
has been infected
and severed.

Temptation blinds me
and I fail
to see your objective.

For all I know
you may never truly leave.
You control me
you own me.

You've infected me
warped my  thoughts
and yet
I still let you in.

If you told me years ago that I would get married
only to get left in a year, and left alone
to pick up the shattered pieces of my soul

I would have laughed and wondered
who would ever want to actually marry
such a broken-minded person like myself

Back then I didn't know I still
had to work on myself
to fail in love and in life
only to regain my broken,yet more than capable, wings

I can now look back and see
that I have renewed most of my internal scars
I am on my way, aiming high
with an even stronger heart

Life won't ever be perfect constantly,
and setbacks and hurdles will appear,
but we all eventually learn to grow and
teach ourselves to embrace all that comes

Cherish the times of love and happiness
no matter small those moments are in everyday life
since everything is temporary and
time is indeed precious
Always give, and never forget to love

I want to move hearts
Change minds.

Create a safe haven
For those in pain.

Letting them all know
They are being heard
and are loved.

Unconditionally.
Like how everyone is supposed to be
seen.

Our world will thrive
Filled with gentle hearts.

The day will soon arrive.
Without a shadow of a doubt.

It's only Hope in disguise.

When people start to realise
What life really implies.

Not wealth
Not success.

But to only live life
with passionate and
Devoted hearts.

To see what matters in this life
That is full of criticism and war.

All you need is the bravery and freedom
To be the way you are.

No one ever deserves to be left behind.
We are all protectors of each other.

Help and support.
Those in need.
Who only wish the be freed
from misery.

Music and words
are all I'll ever need
to survive in this life.

Feeling is healing.

The demons in my head
only fuel
my passion to write.

My safe haven
from everything
that sets me apart
from this life.

Words can empower us
It can break us and devour our hearts
Until we're cold as stone

Words
Poetry, fictional stories
are all lifelines to our souls

To help reconnect with each other
To heal the wounded and broken

We are reborn through words
both hurtful and heartfelt

I write to remind myself
That I am never alone
That I can make it through this
I can conquer my darkest fears and the lies

I will prevail

Feelings of you
created by you
swirl within my heart

And all I can feel is
wholehearted trust for you
and within myself

It feels as if the past
has been shattered into oblivion
nothing else truly matters
but to give all I have to you
I vow to give you every part of me
heart and soul
concocted into who I am

A person still shackled to her past,
but also a person full of compassion and awe,
she’d set your world alight.

You’ve giving me the courage to trust again
and how you make me feel—
this trust I have for you
may forever be ineffable

We weren't meant to ever be together
years of wasted love and time together
only adding fuel to the flames

I've only been pushed further down
into my imaginary world I call home

Where love and kindness can't embrace me
where loneliness is my queen
and misery is my mistress

It gives me love
a feeling of being wanted 
and accepted

I guess its 
turned my brain

A never-ending 
war I never
want to forsake

Liar whispered
her soul

The sky is clear
And as dark as can be
I feel something tugging at my core
From beyond the stars

I rest my soul
And let it wander

It only pulls me deeper into myself
My deepest desires
My fears
Longings I thought I'd lost in time

She reaches out to me
I take her hand and
Ever so gently
She shows me the way into the light
Away from the darkness
I feel freedom sweep over me

All I want is to be here
Swaying with her and the stars
Circling all around us

I inhale bliss
And exhale passion

Time is stunned
And I'm finally at peace with myself

I'm where I belong
With words
And living this life

A vulnerable feeling
An entity lost at sea

Alone in the dark
Wishing for something
Someone to claim it as their own

To nurture it with love
To accept it as it really is-
Its true form of never ending sorrow

It affects me to my very core
And because it's a part of me
As I've accepted it to be

I know I affect those around me
Those who care for me deeply

When it and I are both stuck
Glued to our inner world of inner tragedy and loss

A time for self-reflection
To be one with it
And for it to be one with me

See it as a hurting child
Longing for unconditional love
Aching to be held in a loving embrace

And once I do
All I sense is serenity

I only need to nurture it
As I, its host,
Gives it a home to sleep in

Like glass.
He saw right through me.

Right down to my core-
Where everything was in pieces.

Lost with a fragile heart.

Verbally and emotionally abused.
Shunned from reality.

To bleed was her escape.
She had her words taken away one night.

Voiceless
Suicidal.
Too distorted to have a mind of her own.

Selling herself to strangers.
She never left so numb.

The world was bleak.
She only lived in her shadow.
The memories of him.

She took her luck too far
She made a deal with life-
Choose the wrong path and you'll come face to face with Death.

Death came and took her soul.
'I love you' it whispered.
Silence enveloped her body.

Shattered in to pieces,
Naked on deaths bed.
She was cremated into a lost soul.

No number of cuts were enough
To take the agony away.

An imprint of her identity was sewn on to her heart.

How much longer will I have to remember?
How many times will I have to tell myself to 'just forget it'?

I can not seek revenge,
I mustn't let death win.

One day
I will have the power to **** off the memories of you.

i will keep living.
Give hope to others.

I will create poetry
from this reality you've given me.
I will break this silence
which you've permanently stitched in to me
and made a part of my life.

I don't expect them to sympathize 
I know how twisted it sounds
yet for me
it was my savior 
from the start

From the beginning 
of when I lost myself
when he took me away from myself
when I had nothing else to let go 
or nothing else to willing give away

He broke me
every time I saw him
I lost another part of myself
just when I thought 
he'd already taken everything I had away

This ongoing struggle will forever remain
but as humans
we all suffer
and gradually
we thrive from it
it slowly builds up
a stronger sense of self
using the pain
to create a brighter future

Cascading down
from the skies
your sense of care
deeply resontes

Time has opened doors
from our insecurities
and onward

Emotions of awe and serenity
soul-stirs my core
and yet I build up these walls
secretly hoping someone
gently breaks them down
with utmost patience

I can't help but wonder if
you feel the same
and perhaps we are unity
destined to intertwine

Sending a wish up into
the stars above
I appreciate all that's between us
and all that may be

Lost at sea
it seems every time I let someone in
every time I give my heart
full of hope away
so willingly
yet so blindly
I start all over 
from the beginning

The pain starts to set in
like wildfire
it courses through
my veins like silk

Slowly it eats away 
at my heart
at my sanity

And I lie alone
in the cold darkness
that I call home

Colors of emotions
form into the ocean
so vast
dark
its depth immense

The hallow eyes
of a lost and broken child
waiting for a sign
a sliver of hope

Beckoning for a reason
to let her heart stay
while at the same time
knowing nothing will ever change
what's affected her

How the truth
can't be erased

Taking a deep shaky breath
she lets the darkness swallow her
in hopes of finding the light
that seemed so far out of reach

Grieving for my lost child
A part of me I never knew.

For she was taken away from me
One night
Long ago.

She was hurt by a man
Taken to her grave
Where her limp body lied.

I cried for her loss.
She lost everything she held on to
For those last minutes on earth.

Till this day
I grieve her death.

She only longed to be loved
And seen for who she truly was.

A fragile heart-
Bound to break
in any moment.

A soulless creature
Feeding herself

To others
Who only crave flesh
And dispose the heart-
Where all her true colors lie.

She neglects herself
Losing control of her self worth
She spirals down.

In to her abyss-
Of self mutilation
And abuse.

She never was able
to find herself.

Lost in the cold
Dark world
Of suppressing
Her emotions.

She only found love
When the blade was pulled.

And there,
lies never spoken
Words of truth.

Temptation strikes again.
I think I'm already in.

I feel it come back.
Urging me to shed the fat
That I've neglected for too long.

Memories oaf him and I
Torment my mind and body.

I'm tired of this game.
Starving for your affection.
Bleeding for redemption.

You still don't see.

You left me with the burden
With the guilt
The shame

Of not being able to control these feelings I have for you.
I hate you.
I love you.

I miss you.
I never want to see you.

When will you let me go.
When will this all be over.

When will you step up and tell me the truth
The reasons to why you forced me in to the shower that night.

Tell me you wanted it.
Because you could't take my “no” for an answer.

I feel pathetic writing about you like this.
Why can't I just cut you out of my life
Like you did to me back then.

Why does starving sound so peaceful
Whenever I'm overwhelmed
By your threatening words
And actions.

You'll never admit the truth.
You're just too **** proud
of giving to charity.
Being the good guy.

You're only making it harder for me.

I wish I had the guts to ask you if you can ask for forgiveness.
But, even if I did
I know you'll never succumb.

I fear ruining your career by asking you.
You really put me in a ****** up situation
that I've been holding
for too long.

I've imploded.

I'm fighting with my self.
You made me feel this way.
And I know you'll never stop it
or realize
or even care.

Tell me if I'm childish for not being able to forget.
Tell me again,
that I am ****** up and seeking attention for starving myself
Or for accusing you.

I'm tired of this game with myself
Of self destructive acts.
Yet I need it to keep moving on from you.

I hope someday.
Maybe on your deathbed.

You'll finally gain the courage to say
“I'm sorry, i know what I did was sick and inexcusable.".
All I want is the truth.
To why you did all that you did.
Set me straight for once.

Every blue moon
memories of you

You'd dismantled
my soul and expect me
to let go so I have
and yet I'm still damaged
beyond repair

I hope you can forgive me
for never being able to
dig a grave deep enough
to forget your soul-distorting
touches and lies

My heart will remain naive
and refuse to see
this inner reality of a world
you'd help me create,
decorated by self inflicted wounds,
where I'll always feel misplaced

Silence
It deafens my world

Numbness that engulfs me whole
I'm nothing but air
Which no one can see

I'm terrified of my own demons
They thrive
Without being seen

My heart
My mind
These demons are intertwined

As silence grows within me
I start to lose all sense
Of what it means to feel alive

Where am I
How can I feel
When all I see
And taste
Is complete darkness

You weave in and out of my life
Like silk
in the palm of my hand.

You stay for a while
Then leave right when I need you.

You possess me with your words and your lies.
You caress me gently with your whispers
You vowel that you'll never forget me.

I know it's a lie.

You've said that too many times before.
And I won't fall for it again.

I've got you this time.
I hold you in my own hands now.
Not the other way around,
like how it was back then.

I will crush your dreams
Like you did to me.

Watch you fall
Numb
On to the floor.

See you weep.
And it'll give me a sense of freedom.

You've given me nothing but hate.
So I'm only returning the favour.

Watch the lights go out from my eyes.
I have no sympathy for you
You turned my heart to stone.
You broke me.

And I changed my life.

She comes to play with me again
tempting me
sharing secrets
that no one else can see

I fight to move on
yet I stay
embracing her comfort
I take her hand blindingly

Reminiscing
on how she never left me 
from the start
she took me in

As absurd as it seems
she makes me feel whole
loved
accepted

I fight to stay alive
I fight
hoping 
for a brighter beginning

The burning desire
to live, grow,
and flourish just as you are

Let that guide you,
being your own protector
and advocate,
far into the horizon

Where the
shadows dissipate
and dreams come to life

Intertwined with who I was
breaking her down
to renew my inner being

I shed myself clean of you
piece by piece
cell per cell
getting down to the root of you

These pages I fill
won't ever be enough
a timeless span of confusion
and temporary hurt

All that's happened
all that will be will
only keep me going
kindling my heart and soul

The one last thing
I have in my life
to save me from myself.

A single strand of hope
it lies within every one of us.

We only need to draw it out.
It’s hidden deep in our hearts
in the darkest places of our minds.

From the ashes
we can create aesthetic poetry.