My heart feels like
it's about to shut down
from all the truths
that only I know

People view me
as kind
selfless
heartfelt
with empathy

Yet once they witness
my darker side
this inner demon
that is always
a few steps behind me

Once they see
the ashes and smeared blood
tainted within my mind and heart

I am once again alone
alone to pick up the pieces 
of a love that never was

I don't expect them to sympathize 
I know how twisted it sounds
yet for me
it was my savior 
from the start

From the beginning 
of when I lost myself
when he took me away from myself
when I had nothing else to let go 
or nothing else to willing give away

He broke me
every time I saw him
I lost another part of myself
just when I thought 
he'd already taken everything I had away

This ongoing struggle will forever remain
but as humans
we all suffer
and gradually
we thrive from it
it slowly builds up
a stronger sense of self
using the pain
to create a brighter future

Finding ourselves
is truly an uphill journey
but one we’re always destined to take
no matter your age
or where you are in life

Find gratitude
in obstacles  
in every miracle
no matter how
big or small

You saw right through me
the day we met.

And once again
I thought to myself
If this was going to be another meeting
that I would regret.

Although little did I know
that you were not like the others I've met
For you only showed me generosity and respect.

I will never forget the night we slept
you hold me close to your chest
embracing and consoling me as I wept.

Your love that you've given me
will always be cherished and kept.
I never knew that I'd deserve someone like you.

I promise you
that I can't be any happier.

Fragments
of abandoned dreams
swirl and slither
in between.

My mind
has been infected
and severed.

Temptation blinds me
and I fail
to see your objective.

For all I know
you may never truly leave.
You control me
you own me.

You've infected me
warped my  thoughts
and yet
I still let you in.

Colors of emotions
form into the ocean
so vast
dark
its depth immense

The hallow eyes
of a lost and broken child
waiting for a sign
a sliver of hope

Beckoning for a reason
to let her heart stay
while at the same time
knowing nothing will ever change
what's affected her

How the truth
can't be erased

Taking a deep shaky breath
she lets the darkness swallow her
in hopes of finding the light
that seemed so far out of reach

You weave in and out of my life
Like silk
in the palm of my hand.

You stay for a while
Then leave right when I need you.

You possess me with your words and your lies.
You caress me gently with your whispers
You vowel that you'll never forget me.

I know it's a lie.

You've said that too many times before.
And I won't fall for it again.

I've got you this time.
I hold you in my own hands now.
Not the other way around,
like how it was back then.

I will crush your dreams
Like you did to me.

Watch you fall
Numb
On to the floor.

See you weep.
And it'll give me a sense of freedom.

You've given me nothing but hate.
So I'm only returning the favour.

Watch the lights go out from my eyes.
I have no sympathy for you
You turned my heart to stone.
You broke me.

And I changed my life.

You look me in the eyes 
With a smile so reassuring
You tell me that everything is going to be all right

You hold me close
As my world slowly repairs itself
Turning from ashes to light

You feed my heart and soul
Reviving every cell in my being

You give me all that you have
To save me from myself
You make me whole

You cure me
You complete me

Naked and alone
I keep myself here
Where he placed me
So long ago

I'm keeping myself here
Because it feels like it's the
only thing I've ever known
The one thing he silently
taught me through his actions

I can't seem to undo
all that he did
Emotionally and
psychologically
He trapped me
within myself

What will it take for
me to feel free
What will it take for
me to just give in

Why did he have
to hurt me

These neverending
thoughts unravel me
limb by limb
by chaos confusion
alone and loss

I keep erasing the steps
I'd already taken
my mind numb
and taken over

I walk this path
jumping from one
emotion-stepping stone to another
existing as a lost cause

The further I play
this game called time
the missing piece
my life's embedded
into me only grows deeper

Feeling lost and alone
feeling unloved and abandoned
You take the blade to your wrist one more time.

You lock yourself up in solitude.
Using the hurt
and replacing it with a sense of release.

I want to show you just how much you mean to me.
You are loved
and you always will be.

I want to guide you away from the depths of depression
I want to be there for you every day
every hour
every second.
Just to show you that you are thought of every waking moment.

You are never alone in this fight.
Let me be there for you to talk you out of suicide.

I want to show you all my love.
Reassure you that you don’t need to hurt yourself anymore.
I want to give you hope that this hell won't last forever.

You’re strong.
And in time,
I believe you will make it out of this hellhole.
You are really stronger than you think.

And even if you push me away,
my love for you will never change.

Baby steps.
It's okay to fall once in a while.
As long as you keep your eyes on the prize.
As long as you are determined
To get to where ever you want to go.

Just keep trying
And even if you falter
Just never give up.

Baby steps go a long way.

Hugs
are silent cures

For mending hearts
and broken minds

When you can’t
find the words

Sometimes,
hugs speak
louder than
words.

When you feel trapped in life
Look up at the sky
You’ll know you’re never truly alone.

Somewhere out there
There’s somebody who is feeling
the exact same way you are.

Somewhere out there
There’s somebody who cares.

Temptation strikes again.
I think I'm already in.

I feel it come back.
Urging me to shed the fat
That I've neglected for too long.

Memories oaf him and I
Torment my mind and body.

I'm tired of this game.
Starving for your affection.
Bleeding for redemption.

You still don't see.

You left me with the burden
With the guilt
The shame

Of not being able to control these feelings I have for you.
I hate you.
I love you.

I miss you.
I never want to see you.

When will you let me go.
When will this all be over.

When will you step up and tell me the truth
The reasons to why you forced me in to the shower that night.

Tell me you wanted it.
Because you could't take my “no” for an answer.

I feel pathetic writing about you like this.
Why can't I just cut you out of my life
Like you did to me back then.

Why does starving sound so peaceful
Whenever I'm overwhelmed
By your threatening words
And actions.

You'll never admit the truth.
You're just too **** proud
of giving to charity.
Being the good guy.

You're only making it harder for me.

I wish I had the guts to ask you if you can ask for forgiveness.
But, even if I did
I know you'll never succumb.

I fear ruining your career by asking you.
You really put me in a ****** up situation
that I've been holding
for too long.

I've imploded.

I'm fighting with my self.
You made me feel this way.
And I know you'll never stop it
or realize
or even care.

Tell me if I'm childish for not being able to forget.
Tell me again,
that I am ****** up and seeking attention for starving myself
Or for accusing you.

I'm tired of this game with myself
Of self destructive acts.
Yet I need it to keep moving on from you.

I hope someday.
Maybe on your deathbed.

You'll finally gain the courage to say
“I'm sorry, i know what I did was sick and inexcusable.".
All I want is the truth.
To why you did all that you did.
Set me straight for once.

It's been my teacher
and observer

A curse
a gift.

They say it’s better to fix it,
become fluent.

When in truth
the cure
is solely acceptance.

These scars I cannot hide
from the world.
I’m still ashamed of them all.

But there’s nothing I can do
to change the fact that
I needed it to save me from myself.

They are shameful stories
itched deeply into my skin.

I was only human.

These wounds are my story
and how I overcame the worst.

Self love and acceptance.
I can do this.

We are all imperfectly perfect.

Unbareable feelings
Take me whole

I fear I cant go back
Where I feel at home

Once I'm there
There's no turning back

Im in ruins
As scorching memories
Bruise my mind

I fall
Into unbreakable silence

I fall for you
To please your every need

You linger inside me
Taking all that you can get
Until my mind and body
Succumb to your abuse
And break

And I am nothing

Like glass.
He saw right through me.

Right down to my core-
Where everything was in pieces.

Lost with a fragile heart.

Verbally and emotionally abused.
Shunned from reality.

To bleed was her escape.
She had her words taken away one night.

Voiceless
Suicidal.
Too distorted to have a mind of her own.

Selling herself to strangers.
She never left so numb.

The world was bleak.
She only lived in her shadow.
The memories of him.

She took her luck too far
She made a deal with life-
Choose the wrong path and you'll come face to face with Death.

Death came and took her soul.
'I love you' it whispered.
Silence enveloped her body.

Shattered in to pieces,
Naked on deaths bed.
She was cremated into a lost soul.

No number of cuts were enough
To take the agony away.

An imprint of her identity was sewn on to her heart.

How much longer will I have to remember?
How many times will I have to tell myself to 'just forget it'?

I can not seek revenge,
I mustn't let death win.

One day
I will have the power to **** off the memories of you.

i will keep living.
Give hope to others.

I will create poetry
from this reality you've given me.
I will break this silence
which you've permanently stitched in to me
and made a part of my life.

My age does't define me.
I'm underdeveloped
and mentally delayed.

I burden others
with my ways-
Of making mistakes
Which even a child
would't make.

I see myself
as a weight
on everyone I touch.

Like an illness
that can't be understood
or seen.

I feel at a loss-
knowing I'm odd
Unlike others my age.

I feel independent-
Only to see,
that in reality
I'm not.

Premature at birth
is not an excuse.
To others around me,
I need to try to function
the same.

But I never get it right.
As if I try only to bring myself
back down.

To feel I'll always stay delayed
and betrayed by
my own efforts.

They say I was a miracle baby.
Surviving a 90% possibility
of death or permanent mental damage.

But no one knows
This all comes with a price-
That only degraded my worth
as I grew older.

I can't blame my own birth.
I know it's a blessing to be alive.

It only makes me wonder.
if others would perceive me differently.
As stupid.

The real world
may turn away
when they see me.

How little I could do.
However;
I was born to stay alive.

With this underdeveloped mind-
To be able
to empathise with others
in pain.

Others can judge me,
but I'll never judge myself
anymore.

I will meet others
who carry the same
heavy heart.

And we will create
a movement-
To love others just as they are.

Every blue moon
memories of you

You'd dismantled
my soul and expect me
to let go so I have
and yet I'm still damaged
beyond repair

I hope you can forgive me
for never being able to
dig a grave deep enough
to forget your soul-distorting
touches and lies

My heart will remain naive
and refuse to see
this inner reality of a world
you'd help me create,
decorated by self inflicted wounds,
where I'll always feel misplaced

As I hold his hand softly.
He smiles at me
and holds on to mine.

We walk together everyday
Words are our only tool
For we both are blind.

It doesn't make life difficult for us
since we have each other.
It's a blessing from above
How we've found each other.

He can read me as clear as crystal.
And I
Will forever cherish his warmth

With his solid understanding of my world.
I only sense time
together
Making us bond closer
As the years go by.

Gratefulness can't describe
This way I feel
How much he means to me
And I to him.

In hopes of many more years to come
Fulfilled with joy and laughter.

Love is a miracle
For even we found
A place
In each others hearts.

Blindness shows no weakness.
For it brings out
Our carefree emotions
To love each other
Unconditionally.

Love is never blind and
It never will be.

For we are living proof
That love is meant to be

For everybody.

I guess in the end, it is true
that mastering the mind takes
maybe a lifetime

But even this is alright
because what's important is
this time we take to grow and
be generous to ourselves

We deserve the love
we give too easily,
so willingly,
once trust feels like
it's been formed,
back to ourselves

In fact, we may deserve it the most
but this is difficult to see
or understand
since we are all far too used
to giving more to others
than to ourselves

If only people knew
that we all carried the same fears,
the fear of being
disliked or rejected,
that we all just want to
have a sense of belonging

Maybe then, this world we live in
wouldn't have to feel so beak
or like its always against us at times

Why am I so capable
of destroying myself
in ways that most
can never understand

A constant reminder
I give myself
that I am nothing
yet something

My heart expands
as vast as the sky
I only long
for the that one person
who would decipher my every motions
when insecure
who'd value my every flaws
and scars on my skin

I pray for the night to take me away
knowing all I meet
is better off without me
intruding their lives

I long for that special someone
To take me away from myself
to resurrect me
from all that I am
all that I carry

This constant war
against my mind and heart

These feelings that stir within.
I keep lashing out.

Hurting myself
Instead of standing my ground.

Im weak.
Desperate
And alone.

I lose all sense of control.
Naive and small.

Lying in cold
Painful regret.

I let them walk all over me.
Like a carpet full of stains.

Fear,
Shame,
and regret.

When will I get it right

I am nothing.
Only a shadow
To be forgotten in the end.

I remember the day you came in to my life.
You said you'll help me change.

I thought I'd finally be able to love myself.
but instead
You showed me greed and insecurity.

Distorting my self image.
I only wanted your love.

You gave it to me
when I lost the pounds.

From then on
You were my addiction.

From time to time
you resurface in to my mind.

You come to me
in the most needed times.

But I know what you want.
To only diminish my self worth.

Only to make yourself feel whole.

You feed off of those who have low self-esteem.
Giving them the illusion that they are worthless without you.

I truly feel that you never loved yourself.
So you prey on the weak
and vulnerable.

How you saw me.
The night I gave in to your tempting words.

But here is the truth-
You will never take over me.

The demons in my head
only fuel
my passion to write.

My safe haven
from everything
that sets me apart
from this life.

Grieving for my lost child
A part of me I never knew.

For she was taken away from me
One night
Long ago.

She was hurt by a man
Taken to her grave
Where her limp body lied.

I cried for her loss.
She lost everything she held on to
For those last minutes on earth.

Till this day
I grieve her death.

She only longed to be loved
And seen for who she truly was.

A fragile heart-
Bound to break
in any moment.

A soulless creature
Feeding herself

To others
Who only crave flesh
And dispose the heart-
Where all her true colors lie.

She neglects herself
Losing control of her self worth
She spirals down.

In to her abyss-
Of self mutilation
And abuse.

She never was able
to find herself.

Lost in the cold
Dark world
Of suppressing
Her emotions.

She only found love
When the blade was pulled.

And there,
lies never spoken
Words of truth.

Life is unpredictable,
life is scary,
but maybe,
Life only wants us to grow and learn.
That even in the darkest times,
we can thrive and find meaning,
why we exist, find a purpose.

We only see the truth
hiding between the lines
after the storm.

My body is still stained
with the scent of you.

My mind is still affected
by your twisted words
and abuse.

Infected by your touch
and like glass
my body chips away at times.

You smile to yourself
knowing you just got
everything you wanted from me.

Now here I am
smiling to myself
knowing I have a far better life
than you ever will.

Your actions were brutal
but you will never keep me on the ground.

This stained glass heart
will never completely break.

Lost in time
These words aren't mine.

Unable to see reality
I plunge in to the darkness.

My hopes distort my dreams.
It seems I can’t tell them apart.

I fear I will never find my calling.
I feel alienated
By my own consciousness.

I don't feel I am ever on the right track.
Everything shifts
From one place to the next.

An uncontrolled mind
Feeding me only lies.

I am my own burden.

I'm walking on glass.
Every step is a risk I take.

Only to fall through the fragile shattered pieces.

And from there
I start again.

A dysfunctional
victim of her own mind
embracing her self and life
one minute
disposing all that she is
the next

When will this come to an end 
when will I stop living
so everlasting sleep 
can save me
from all that I am

I just want to disappear
yet I long to truly be seen
and embraced

I hear the quiet voices in the water
As the waves gently roll on to the shore.

He calls my name
and I remember once again.

Why I was put here.
He takes me back to the better days.

A carefree child roaming the world.

He holds my hand
To catch me when I fall.

As the waves splash my ankles.
I squeal with delight
And look up at him
As a silent gesture
To make him hold me.

Where I can feel safe
In his arms.

The good old days.
On the beach.

With the hot sand on my feet
And sunlight in my eyes.

With the cool ocean breeze breathing in to my hair.
As I let it fall on to my face.

I miss those days with him

As much as I know
those days are far gone.
Maybe still,
They can be remade in to a
new memory

Filled with laughter and warm hugs.

I hope one day you can remember and see
Just how much I've missed being with you
Bonding over meals and beer.
Other times
just peaceful silence
Helped me feel closer to you.

Tell me if it's odd to still feel this way.
At my current age.

I only hope
That one day
You and I
Can spend time
To bond closely again.

Like how it used to be
in the past.

At the beach or
in the pool.

This poem doesn't rhyme at all.
But I don't care about that
right now.

I wish you will read this someday
Only to recall our happy memories
That we had before.

And I hope it could be the same again.
Just you and I
On the back porch of your house.

Beer in our hands,
Just looking over the beautiful horizon,
We called home.

I’m lost
in the depths of confusion.

I can’t see
nor hear a sound.
My mind is in ruins.

I try to piece the thoughts back together.
But they are just lost
somewhere in the blinding darkness
of my cluttered mind.

I can’t utter a word.
Only silence escapes my lips
and engolfs me.

In hopes of healing
I write
until I feel the soothing sense of contentment
and release.

In fear
in chaos
and blinded
by the silence inside my head.

I long for words to slip through my lips
to make everything all right again.

The one last thing
I have in my life
to save me from myself.

A single strand of hope
it lies within every one of us.

We only need to draw it out.
It’s hidden deep in our hearts
in the darkest places of our minds.

From the ashes
we can create aesthetic poetry.

Lost at sea
it seems every time I let someone in
every time I give my heart
full of hope away
so willingly
yet so blindly
I start all over 
from the beginning

The pain starts to set in
like wildfire
it courses through
my veins like silk

Slowly it eats away 
at my heart
at my sanity

And I lie alone
in the cold darkness
that I call home

A blinding light enters a room.
Alighting her as a whole.

Feeling as if it's meant to be.

She tries to hold the light into the palm of her hands.
It seeps through silently,
like water.

She holds the lingering touch of it
close to her chest

She hears a little voice
Her inner child.
Giving her words of comfort

To heal the wounds from her past.
She too, now knows
Nothing can harm them.

Together they will overcome.
The voice whispers into her soul

She feels her heart aglow.
"Stay with me", she says

She didn't want to break this spell
Her soul speaking.

Feeling reassured
Knowing that time will come.

Her time will come.
It will never be too far.

I want to move hearts
Change minds.

Create a safe haven
For those in pain.

Letting them all know
They are being heard
and are loved.

Unconditionally.
Like how everyone is supposed to be
seen.

Our world will thrive
Filled with gentle hearts.

The day will soon arrive.
Without a shadow of a doubt.

It's only Hope in disguise.

When people start to realise
What life really implies.

Not wealth
Not success.

But to only live life
with passionate and
Devoted hearts.

To see what matters in this life
That is full of criticism and war.

All you need is the bravery and freedom
To be the way you are.

No one ever deserves to be left behind.
We are all protectors of each other.

Help and support.
Those in need.
Who only wish the be freed
from misery.

I'm a concoction of emotions
digging my own grave

I back away from desired eyes
to avoid the shame and hurt
when my core's been exposed

Will this cycle of
remaining a prisoner 
of my own heart
ever come to an end

Perhaps I wasn't 
meant to be loved at all
but beautifully resilient 
on my own

These feelings still tie me down.
I’m only abusing myself,
by remembering it all once again.

It shouldn’t disturb me this much.
It’s been years since it all happened.

I just need to let it all go.
Let it all turn to ashes in the fire.
Let them burn out,
until they can’t hurt me anymore.

I need to free myself,
I’m a better person for all that’s happened.
Even the bad things in life
can turn into epiphany.

Music
is always echoing
inside my heart.
Heavyhearted but on cloud nine.
My safe haven .

I still feel broken.
Lost in time
When I was left alone
In the cold.
Without a hand to hold.

I was small and weakened
By his words of hate.
He hated me,
Betrayed me.

He took my trust and disfigured my soul.
I felt abandoned and alone.
Lost in the cold.

He left me to bleed.
I tried to breathe

Instead I was used
Convinced that I was wrong.

I was too chained up
in denial to see.
Lost in their fantasies.

No words can describe any of this.
I only wish he never hurt me the way he did.

If only I knew none of it happened because of me.
I might just have been able to stay clean and untouched.

Like a drug
His words poisoned me
Creating a world of self hate.

I only wanted to feel free.
I had to keep bleeding
So I wouldn't remember what he did to me.

I had to replace everything with the feeling of its release.

My thinking is still distorted by his confusing lies.
Maybe someday I can tell him to speak the truth.

He tore out my heart.

So I thought,
Only to feel the real thing later on.

I want to blame him for setting my life up.
For making me feel so ******* worthless
that I would have felt happy to die for him if that made him forgive me.

For being the wrong one instead of him.

He hurt me for so long.
My heart and mind still needs mending.

My family never had a care in the world about me.
They didn't believe me.

And even now
It hurts like ****.

He made me voiceless.
It's why I used my skin instead.

Words are my inspiration.
Emotions are what fuels me
To put my heart on paper.

Reading helps me realise.
What life really means to me.

And when in times of stress
I take a step back from reality.
And breathe.

I sense the stirring
of my murmuring heartbeat.

My mind is wired and restless.
For many thoughts and emotions
Continuously collide within myself.

My only release
to cease my insomnious mind.
Is to set them free

Even if it means to carve away sleep.
Hoping in the end
That nothing will be left inside of me.

I hear the water
As I stand in the shower
I feel the water running down my hair.

My anxiety starts to subside.

Suddenly the light goes out.
Darkness envelopes my thoughts.

I hear the shower door slide open
I see his shadow

Large figure looming toward me.
Well aware of what he is about to do to me.

He tells me to face away
Towards the wall

I do
Slowly

My heart skips a few beats.

Time stops
And I feel like I've died.

He touches me in ways I never wanted him to.

I didm't ask for this.
I didm't want him touching me.

I could't move.
I was paralyzed

He told me to not tell mother
To not tell anyone.

He threatened me
A couple of years later
after I confronted him.

I feel weak and vulnerable
All over again.

I'm 17 again,
And covered in the first cuts I've sliced in to my skin.
Coping with what he did.

I keep thinking I should be gratful that he never did it again.

But
I can't help feeling trapped
Even till this day.

I have still kept our secret.
I still feel he won this fight.

Fear of ruining my loved ones lives
His deadly threats
Prevented me from speaking the truth.

It's too late to seek justice.
I lost my one chance.

I wonder
How much longer can I really stay quiet.

And if I do tell them.
Would it even matter to them?
I know my mother didn't care.

I guess it's wishful thinking.

I need to continue coping.
Not by bleeding this time-
But by using the memories and hurt.

Write
Read.

Learn to be stronger than a person
who would shun their loved one from their life.
Because he is afraid to see the truth.

I will always still love you.
But I will take what you've done
To the grave with me.

Everything I feel.
Every memory that comes back to haunt me.

I just keep running from them.
Knowing they can never be redeemed.

Some days are a burden on me.
Other days, I see a ray of hope.

I need to remind myself
To stay in the present.

Ignore the things that cannot be changed.
And face my future
With a smile.

No matter how difficult some days can be.

Sleep to dream.
Escape from reality.

You take my hand and hold it close.
You whisper in to my ear
Words so sweet.

I feel my eyes starting to tear.

Take me away
For you are the only one.
Who can see me for who I am.

Caress me lightly.
And tell me why you love me.

Remind me why you and I
Were meant to be.

Dream of nothingness.
Illusions taking over me.

Sleep just may be
The last thing I really need.

For words are my fuel
An elixir all on its own.

It builds me up
Or tears me down.

In the end,
it will all be worth learning.


For every word
Has potential
Just like we all do.

I try to do what I can
to remain resilient
and composed

But deep down
I'm crying
to be seen

To be loved
and embraced
to be valued
and wanted

All I wish
is for that one heart
to collide with mine

And savour all that is
in this world
piece by piece
moment by moment
and never again be forsaken

The colorless leaves
Blow in to the air

The cold breath
Of winter breeze gently flows
In and out of the trees

Serenity flows through me
Recalling childhood
Memories and dreams

Your melodic words
Keep playing inside my head

Telling me
To never give up hope
And my dreams

Then I vividly recall
The reason why I'm here

To find you
See that there is more to life
Than hopelessness, and fear

These butterflies on my scars
You've shown me how to heal
From everything depressing and dark

I dedicate this poem to you
For you are my everything
My beating heart.

How can I feel alive again.
I want to feel that belonging I felt
back then.

Time has passed
and without a trace
here I am again
standing alone in the dark.

My mind is bombarded
with too many questions
and doubts.

I wish to feel like myself again
I wish to feel free.

I long for the truth of why I exist.

In time
I hope these shattered pieces of confusion
within myself
will slowly start
mending itself back together.

Piece by piece.

I drown myself in music.
To forget everything I feel.
I remember and feel nothing
but what i am hearing at this very moment.

I need to forget it all.
Forget the shame,
the pain,
the agony of it all.

Every line I step across.
I only burden myself.

Every friendship I make turns to ruins.

Every cut
Every blood dropped on to the pavement
was all for you.

You broke me.
And all their touches deformed my heart.

But here I am
Still alive.