I guess in the end, it is true
that mastering the mind takes
maybe a lifetime

But even this is alright
because what's important is
this time we take to grow and
be generous to ourselves

We deserve the love
we give too easily,
so willingly,
once trust feels like
it's been formed,
back to ourselves

In fact, we may deserve it the most
but this is difficult to see
or understand
since we are all far too used
to giving more to others
than to ourselves

If only people knew
that we all carried the same fears,
the fear of being
disliked or rejected,
that we all just want to
have a sense of belonging

Maybe then, this world we live in
wouldn't have to feel so beak
or like its always against us at times

Like glass.
He saw right through me.

Right down to my core-
Where everything was in pieces.
Lost with a fragile heart.

Verbally and emotionally abused.
Shunned from reality.

To bleed was her escape.
She had her words taken away one night.

Voiceless
Suicidal.

Too distorted to have a mind of her own.
Selling herself to strangers.
She'd never left so numb.

The world was bleak.
She only lived in her shadow.
The memories of him.

She took her luck too far
She made a deal with life-

Choose the wrong path and you'll come face to face with Death.

Death came and took her soul.
Ripped it apart.

Naked on deaths bed.
She was cremated into a lost soul.

No number of cuts were enough
To take the agony away.

An imprint of her identity was sewn on to her heart.

How much longer will I have to remember?
How many times will I have to tell myself to 'just forget it'?

I can not seek revenge,
I mustn't let death win.

One day
I will have the power to cease these memories of you.

Take the plunge
face your fears.
And through doing so
underlying courage appears.

You took away so much
and left me in the dark
without anyone to trust
or any hope to hold on to

You broke me down
and the belief you
engraved within me
changed me completely

As a person I was nothing
just an empty shell
for others to dig into

I’m still feeling my way
through the darkness of you
I’m still a slave to you
I love you
and yet I fear you

You’re my living nightmare
and I hate myself
for wanting to be close to you

You'll have me dead
before I can bring
your unspeakable actions
into the light

Still learning the ropes
of how to survive
how to love myself
and keep my heart protected
while secretly longing for new love
to embrace me as I am

And yet, to guide me through
this treacherous storm
through fields of
lavender and ashes

Staying hopeful
I cling onto what I'd always have
my sense of self
and a heartfelt desire

And ever so slowly
I take another step forward
holding my heart in my hands
longing to be cherished again

I've already let go of my heart.
You gave me no other choice.

You always crushed my faith in life
So unpredictably
You were able to shatter my dreams
Without saying a word.

The silent presence of you was enough to **** me.

You'll never knew that I kept our secret.

You've defeated me completely.

Yet my heart still beats heavily.

Filled with memories and emotions of you.

I want you to know.
But instead I decided to just let it go.

Let the past be left as a stain inside my heart.

So you will never know the truth.
What damage you put into me.

I'm speechless to speak to you.
Still in fear.

I'm already standing on higher ground.

Tears will always be shed from time to time because of you.
I've already picked up the peaces you left for me.

Somehow I think I surpassed you.

I found a brighter light.
I found myself again.

I try to do what I can
to remain resilient
and composed

But deep down
I'm crying
to be seen

To be loved
and embraced
to be valued
and wanted

All I wish
is for that one heart
to collide with mine

And savour all that is
in this world
piece by piece
moment by moment
and never again be forsaken

As I hold his hand softly.
He smiles at me
and holds on to mine.

We walk together everyday
Words are our only tool
For we both are blind.

It doesn't make life difficult for us
since we have each other.
It's a blessing from above
How we've found each other.

He can read me as clear as crystal.
And I
Will forever cherish his warmth

With his solid understanding of my world.
I only sense time
together
Making us bond closer
As the years go by.

Gratefulness can't describe
This way I feel
How much he means to me
And I to him.

In hopes of many more years to come
Fulfilled with joy and laughter.

Love is a miracle
For even we found
A place
In each others hearts.

Blindness shows no weakness.
For it brings out
Our carefree emotions
To love each other
Unconditionally.

Love is never blind and
It never will be.

For we are living proof
That love is meant to be

For everybody.

I fill these pages
with long overdue confessions
of you.

Things may have been better between us
if some words were left unsaid.

I still think momentarily
of the things you said.

The anger in your voice
And hatred in your eyes.

You never would have expected me
to ask you such a heart-stopping question
that night.

I close my eyes
whenever I recall that night.

I take myself back
in to the depths of my fears.

A place you have long made me forget.

By now
you and I
are like any other family.

Even now
I feel I am still carrying a burden.
A piece of the past that I need to forget.

I will be okay.

One step forward
and two steps back.

I know that in the end
My life will feel whole again.

Even if you’re afraid,
it’s okay to take your time,
but you have to move forward.

Music
is always echoing
inside my heart.
Heavyhearted but on cloud nine.
My safe haven .

I remember the day you came in to my life.
You said you'll help me change.

I thought I'd finally be able to love myself.
but instead
You showed me greed and insecurity.

Distorting my self image.
I only wanted your love.

You gave it to me
when I lost the pounds.

From then on
You were my addiction.

From time to time
you resurface in to my mind.

You come to me
in the most needed times.

But I know what you want.
To only diminish my self worth.

Only to make yourself feel whole.

You feed off of those who have low self-esteem.
Giving them the illusion that they are worthless without you.

I truly feel that you never loved yourself.
So you prey on the weak
and vulnerable.

How you saw me.
The night I gave in to your tempting words.

But here is the truth-
You will never take over me.

These feelings that stir within.
I keep lashing out.

Hurting myself
Instead of standing my ground.

Im weak.
Desperate
And alone.

I lose all sense of control.
Naive and small.

Lying in cold
Painful regret.

I let them walk all over me.
Like a carpet full of stains.

Fear,
Shame,
and regret.

When will I get it right

I am nothing.
Only a shadow
To be forgotten in the end.

You  hurt me
In more ways than one.

You have no shame
In knowing what you've done.

You threw me under the bus
To save your reputation.

You're  selfish
Sick
Narcissistic
Psychopathic.

I know you'll come back
For me one day
But you don't deserve to be
Forgiven a second time.

What you did will forever
Be engraved into my life
But I won't let it ruin me.

How can I feel alive again.
I want to feel that belonging I felt
back then.

Time has passed
and without a trace
here I am again
standing alone in the dark.

My mind is bombarded
with too many questions
and doubts.

I wish to feel like myself again
I wish to feel free.

I long for the truth of why I exist.

In time
I hope these shattered pieces of confusion
within myself
will slowly start
mending itself back together.

Piece by piece.

A blinding light enters a room.
Alighting her as a whole.

Feeling as if it's meant to be.

She tries to hold the light into the palm of her hands.
It seeps through silently,
like water.

She holds the lingering touch of it
close to her chest

She hears a little voice
Her inner child.
Giving her words of comfort

To heal the wounds from her past.
She too, now knows
Nothing can harm them.

Together they will overcome.
The voice whispers into her soul

She feels her heart aglow.
"Stay with me", she says

She didn't want to break this spell
Her soul speaking.

Feeling reassured
Knowing that time will come.

Her time will come.
It will never be too far.

A blinding light enters a room
alighting her as a whole
feeling as if it's meant to be

She tries to hold the light
into the palm of her hands
as it seeps through
silently, like water

She holds the lingering
touch of it
close to her chest
as she hears a little voice

Her inner child
sending her words of comfort
to heal the wounds
from her past

She too now knows
that nothing can harm them
together they will overcome

The voice whispers into her soul
she feels her heart aglow
"Stay with me", she says
she didn't want to break this spell

Her soul speaking
feeling reassured
knowing that time will come

Their time will come
and it will never be too far

Lost in time
These words aren't mine.

Unable to see reality
I plunge in to the darkness.

My hopes distort my dreams.
It seems I can’t tell them apart.

I fear I will never find my calling.
I feel alienated
By my own consciousness.

I don't feel I am ever on the right track.
Everything shifts
From one place to the next.

An uncontrolled mind
Feeding me only lies.

I am my own burden.

I'm walking on glass.
Every step is a risk I take.

Only to fall through the fragile shattered pieces.

And from there
I start again.

I hear the quiet voices in the water
As the waves gently roll on to the shore.

He calls my name
and I remember once again.

Why I was put here.
He takes me back to the better days.

A carefree child roaming the world.

He holds my hand
To catch me when I fall.

As the waves splash my ankles.
I squeal with delight
And look up at him
As a silent gesture
To make him hold me.

Where I can feel safe
In his arms.

The good old days.
On the beach.

With the hot sand on my feet
And sunlight in my eyes.

With the cool ocean breeze breathing in to my hair.
As I let it fall on to my face.

I miss those days with him

As much as I know
those days are far gone.
Maybe still,
They can be remade in to a
new memory

Filled with laughter and warm hugs.

I hope one day you can remember and see
Just how much I've missed being with you
Bonding over meals and beer.
Other times
just peaceful silence
Helped me feel closer to you.

Tell me if it's odd to still feel this way.
At my current age.

I only hope
That one day
You and I
Can spend time
To bond closely again.

Like how it used to be
in the past.

At the beach or
in the pool.

This poem doesn't rhyme at all.
But I don't care about that
right now.

I wish you will read this someday
Only to recall our happy memories
That we had before.

And I hope it could be the same again.
Just you and I
On the back porch of your house.

Beer in our hands,
Just looking over the beautiful horizon,
We called home.

So it calls out to me once again.
This dark abyss I call my home.

It's too familiar
A grip so nostalgic
I can't let go.

A sickness that makes me feel alone.
Like a soothing drug
Yet a plague.

It's hard to feel or think
When in this state
I don't feel at all.

I let it take me there.
An invisible lead takes me whole.

I lose my self.
I'm broken once more.

I feel it gradually
engulfing my sanity
piece by piece

I feel insanely vulnerable
just by recalling your figure
 in the darkness

By hearing your voice 
all over again
reliving the life-threatening 
fear that rushed in 
and out of my heart

It was the first
and last time
I'd ever sense 
time has stopped

My soul froze
and still remains 
how you left it that night

You may have forever 
shaped and scarred me
but I haven't lost myself

I hear the water
As I stand in the shower
I feel the water running down my hair.

My anxiety starts to subside.

Suddenly the light goes out.
Darkness envelopes my thoughts.

I hear the shower door slide open
I see his shadow

Large figure looming toward me.
Well aware of what he is about to do to me.

He tells me to face away
Towards the wall

I do
Slowly

My heart skips a few beats.

Time stops
And I feel like I've died.

He touches me in ways I never wanted him to.

I didm't ask for this.
I didm't want him touching me.

I could't move.
I was paralyzed

He told me to not tell mother
To not tell anyone.

He threatened me
A couple of years later
after I confronted him.

I feel weak and vulnerable
All over again.

I'm 17 again,
And covered in the first cuts I've sliced in to my skin.
Coping with what he did.

I keep thinking I should be gratful that he never did it again.

But
I can't help feeling trapped
Even till this day.

I have still kept our secret.
I still feel he won this fight.

Fear of ruining my loved ones lives
His deadly threats
Prevented me from speaking the truth.

It's too late to seek justice.
I lost my one chance.

I wonder
How much longer can I really stay quiet.

And if I do tell them.
Would it even matter to them?
I know my mother didn't care.

I guess it's wishful thinking.

I need to continue coping.
Not by bleeding this time-
But by using the memories and hurt.

Write
Read.

Learn to be stronger than a person
who would shun their loved one from their life.
Because he is afraid to see the truth.

I will always still love you.
But I will take what you've done
To the grave with me.

I was naive
Too broken
and distorted
To see

With the past
occupying my mind

I never saw
that what he did
Was a crime.

Blinded by trust
He found his chance
To take away my soul.

This time I cried out
Stopping him from
doing anymore damage.

He stopped with a sigh
Wishing
that my voice would've stayed
Inside.

Wanting more
of what was mine.

I prevented further damage
Yet I realize now
That it was too late.

He succeeded
In obtaining my heart
And tearing it away.

My soul and mind
Clash
In to one.

The music
surrounding the room
Lingers
then fades.

And I feel no more.

Then realization hits me-
I was *****.

She walks toward the bright sky.
Her face glowing from the rays of the evening light.

And she tries to forget all that she's felt.
Everything from the past and the present, that she try's to stay sane in.

She longs for warm arms to embrace her.
Cold heart breaking with despair.

Her heartbeat races and palpates.
A sudden feeling of loss and grief encircling her.

All she can do now is breathe.
Slowly and calmly.

As she stares out in to the sky,
Now twilight.
She inhales and exhales.
Smells the scent of the memories she's left far behind.

A past she longs to be forgotten.
A relationship she desperately wants back.
To feel normal again.

The wind slowly starts to pick up.
As if it reads her thoughts,
and abruptly,
blows her thoughts into the darkened night sky.

She stands alone in the dark.
Waiting for a sign of hope.
Waiting for her thoughts of him to diminish.

It dawns on her that it will never be gone.
She will never be fee nor alone.
Everything she's felt for him.
Everything she's heard and witnessed.
It'll never leave her side.
And will remain in her heart.
Like an invisible needle disguised between threads.

She stays in her silent solitude.
Hoping the more she tries to move on.
She can and will eventually be happy again.
And will be able to feel nothing but that.
Even with him.

"Time will tell", says a quiet voice in her head.
And she thinks no more.

She walks toward the bright sky.
Her face glowing from the rays of the evening light.

And she tries to forget all that she's felt.
Everything from the past and the present, that she try's to stay sane in.

She longs for warm arms to embrace her.
Cold heart breaking with despair.

Her heartbeat races and palpates.
A sudden feeling of loss and grief encircling her.

All she can do now is breathe.
Slowly and calmly.

As she stares out in to the sky,
Now twilight.
She inhales and exhales.
Smells the scent of the memories she's left far behind.

A past she longs to forget.
A relationship she desperately wants back.
To feel normal again.

The wind slowly starts to pick up.
As if it reads her thoughts,
and abruptly,
blows her thoughts into the darkened night sky.

She stands alone in the dark.
Waiting for a sign of hope.
Waiting for her thoughts of him to diminish.

It dawns on her that it will never be gone.
She will never be fee nor alone.
Everything she's felt for him.
Everything she's heard and witnessed.
It'll never leave her side.
And will remain in her heart.
Like an invisible needle disguised between threads.

She stays in her silent solitude.
Hoping the more she tries to move on.
She can and will eventually be happy again.
And will be able to feel nothing but that.
Even with him.

"Time will tell", says a quiet voice in her head.
And she thinks no more.

These words which I write
From the lead of my pencil
Are words of not only truth
But also of hope

Hope
Which I give to myself

These words flow out of me
As if they are my last words
While I am still alive

My creation from ashes and sadness
Swirling its colours so lightly
Watching it create a world of its own

My safe place
Where I long to keep my secrets

A silent haven
The depths of my mind and heart
Where every piece of me is stored

I feel invincible
When  lost in this world

With a heavy heart
In return
It fuels me

To weave through my mind
Finding the hidden source
That's corrupting my sanity

And there, I find peace again
Intertwining myself and I
Where I belong

Unbareable feelings
Take me whole

I fear I cant go back
Where I feel at home

Once I'm there
There's no turning back

Im in ruins
As scorching memories
Bruise my mind

I fall
Into unbreakable silence

I fall for you
To please your every need

You linger inside me
Taking all that you can get
Until my mind and body
Succumb to your abuse
And break

And I am nothing

Words are my inspiration.
Emotions are what fuels me
To put my heart on paper.

Reading helps me realise.
What life really means to me.

And when in times of stress
I take a step back from reality.
And breathe.

I sense the stirring
of my murmuring heartbeat.

My mind is wired and restless.
For many thoughts and emotions
Continuously collide within myself.

My only release
to cease my insomnious mind.
Is to set them free

Even if it means to carve away sleep.
Hoping in the end
That nothing will be left inside of me.

Sleep to dream.
Escape from reality.

You take my hand and hold it close.
You whisper in to my ear
Words so sweet.

I feel my eyes starting to tear.

Take me away
For you are the only one.
Who can see me for who I am.

Caress me lightly.
And tell me why you love me.

Remind me why you and I
Were meant to be.

Dream of nothingness.
Illusions taking over me.

Sleep just may be
The last thing I really need.

For words are my fuel
An elixir all on its own.

It builds me up
Or tears me down.

In the end,
it will all be worth learning.


For every word
Has potential
Just like we all do.

Finding ourselves
is truly an uphill journey
but one we’re always destined to take
no matter your age
or where you are in life

Find gratitude
in obstacles  
in every miracle
no matter how
big or small

I'm no longer human
or so I feel
doused in feelings that cant
tell themselves apart

A heart of purity
soaked in inhumanity
once its been ignited
by the unforseen
flames of insensitivity
and ignorance

My body is still stained
with the scent of you.

My mind is still affected
by your twisted words
and abuse.

Infected by your touch
and like glass
my body chips away at times.

You smile to yourself
knowing you just got
everything you wanted from me.

Now here I am
smiling to myself
knowing I have a far better life
than you ever will.

Your actions were brutal
but you will never keep me on the ground.

This stained glass heart
will never completely break.

Everything I feel.
Every memory that comes back to haunt me.

I just keep running from them.
Knowing they can never be redeemed.

Some days are a burden on me.
Other days, I see a ray of hope.

I need to remind myself
To stay in the present.

Ignore the things that cannot be changed.
And face my future
With a smile.

No matter how difficult some days can be.

Hands shaking from fear
my heart silently shattering

He only loved me and meant well
he cared for me and cherished me
yet I'm still shellshocked
at how we lost everything

Why he kept it from me
why he thought that doing so
meant protecting me

I will never feel free from this
I will always second guess myself
and what love is

I'd give it my all again
if I could turn back time
and embrace him as he is
I'd do all I can to remind myself
he still prioritizes me
and how I should be thankful

My body still shakes
as I write and I recall
all the things I could have been
and should have been and done for him

I regret but I know I shouldn't
this had to happen
to save us both in the long run

He had to stop loving me
for a good reason
he needed to save himself
and I am just glad he did

In return I thank him
for making me resilient
in the long run

He says my name.
Pulls me in close.

Whispers to me passionately
"I love you".

I feel distorted.
Trapped
Lost in time.

I can't feel
My body's gone.

Away from my mind
And my self.

He clings on to me
Like a spider

Unwinds his web
As he silently moves.

Alone in the dark.
I lay in pain.

Tears that taste of betrayal
And mind-numbing fear.

I lay there
Unable to move-
Voiceless
And in tears.

He calls my name again
With fake sympathy.

He rolls back
On to his side.
Muttering words of disgust.

3 am
I'm still lying
Wide awake.

Thinking of redemption
Lost dreams,
and suicide.

Oh, how peaceful
it sounds.

I can learn to live with my shadow-
My demons-
Created by the past.

Sometimes I feel
As if I never made it out alive.

But, I will keep hoping
That in time.

Maybe I'll be alright.

It's been my teacher
and observer

A curse
a gift.

They say it’s better to fix it,
become fluent.

When in truth
the cure
is solely acceptance.

This love I share with you.
This love I feel for you.
Without you,
I would have faded years ago.

You took me in
and nourished me with unconditional love.
You gave me the strength to see hope,
and showered me with your smiles and laughter.

You gave me so much that I never knew existed.
Words cannot express what I feel for you.

I need you to stay with me,
for without you,
I fear I'll sink back into the depths of my fearful acts.

I still struggle,
but I want to tell you that your love keeps me moving forward.
I hope you can understand what I'm feeling,
for this will never change.

I will never take our small moments for granted.
These memories are a reminder
of how lucky I am
to have found you.

You're forever the light in my life.

I crawl back into the darkness
where nothing can touch me
only the depths of my mind
where seeds of mistrust and longing 
which I plant subconsciously out of caustic fear 
simultaneously start to fester and grow

Struggling to understand
what I'd fight for
who I'd suffer for
never wanting to be forsaken again 
left with a heart that's 
only been distorted with time

Holding iridescent speckles of light 
of my future in my heart
I face life with ambition

The shadows of the leaves
Carve soft markings
On the pavement 
 
Crisp autum air
Soothes all my worries
As they fade along with the wind
That blows through my hair

I see my breath in the cool air
And I know I'm alive
 
I want to be absorbed
In this moment of tranquility
 
The world around me
Almost seems surreal

And all I feel is a sense
Of belonging in my heart
 
That I'm in this moment
For a reason

Painting stories of hope
Courage and
Everlasting dreams

These neverending
thoughts unravel me
limb by limb
by chaos confusion
alone and loss

I keep erasing the steps
I'd already taken
my mind numb
and taken over

I walk this path
jumping from one
emotion-stepping stone to another
existing as a lost cause

The further I play
this game called time
the missing piece
my life's embedded
into me only grows deeper

A dysfunctional
victim of her own mind
embracing her self and life
one minute
disposing all that she is
the next

When will this come to an end 
when will I stop living
so everlasting sleep 
can save me
from all that I am

I just want to disappear
yet I long to truly be seen
and embraced

Naked and alone
I keep myself here
Where he placed me
So long ago

I'm keeping myself here
Because it feels like it's the
only thing I've ever known
The one thing he silently
taught me through his actions

I can't seem to undo
all that he did
Emotionally and
psychologically
He trapped me
within myself

What will it take for
me to feel free
What will it take for
me to just give in

Why did he have
to hurt me

Flower petals drift into the stream
stars fall from the sky
as they light up the earth

So close to my heart
I remember the day we first met

Your warmth
your love
your presence flows in and out of me

And like silk you slip away in to the distance
the wind taking you freely into the skies

I long to be with you again
I long to hear your voice
be in your loving embrace once more

You are the light
that always shines brightly
when I'm lost in the dark

Please don't ever change

Can there be a deadline to living
when all you know about yourself
could never be truly accepted by your loved ones

When all others see you as 
is a piece of meat
to devour
or a soul 
to shatter for their own
twisted entertainment 

Too many nights
I've wished for death to take me
but every morning I lie awake
overcoming the shadows 
of fear and insecurity

But it will never be over

Seeping through
freedom with just a blink of an eye
wipsing through the air
up into the sky
becoming one with the clouds above

Birds circling around the
invisible aura of light
that this universe beholds

Enchanted by this lullaby
of simplicity
it soothes my core
in knowing it's all right
to be where I am right now

One leaf at a time
we'll turn it
at our own pace

Reminding ourselves
that we aren't alone

I'm a shard of glass
Splintered in to everyone's lives
Once I implode
Once depression swallows me whole

My mind goes blank
I feel nothing but emptiness
And acts of self harm
swarm inside my heart

When will I feel like I'm enough
When will it all cease to exist
When can I feel unshadowed
by this darkness

Words are what truly saved me
Despite all the harmful acts
I'd put upon myself

Written words became my voice
I couldn't vocalize

Words broke me down
And then recreated me

I will continue
to live and breathe words

She finds herself trapped
as a wave of darkness
swallows her whole

Thoughts of suicide 
thoughts of intimacy 
race through her mind

Nothing can penetrate her 
for she is untouchable
when in darkness

And yet, feeling trapped
within herself
she longs to be touched

She wishes someone
would help her
find her true self
within the solitude solace gives her

That someone is herself
slowly
gradually
she chips herself away

And painstakingly
she emerges from her shell
anew

You take a breathe
Of what i exhale
You become all of me
You savor the emptiness
You plant within my mind

Ever so slowly
It grows
Darker and heavier

With every episode
It takes me away from myself

It steals my heart
And disfigures my thoughts

Every part of me is lost
A wish that could never be fulfilled
Only a star
Bound to implode

All that lies within me
this shell of a being
a lonely girl

Trapped in invisible strings
 of self-hate 
and misguidance
only having herself 
as the candle of hope

You feel a part of you chip away
shh, don't say a word
don't let anyone see
this is our little secret

Every time
every second
always longing
for a way out

To stop feeling
his haunting words
his sickening touch

Pressing down
her mind too corrupted
to let her breathe

Nowhere else
to turn
but inwards

Deep
and safe
inside her mind

A world of
self destructive love
Her only way out
never giving up