could it be?

it’s been almost a year since I opened that door
the bolted, scared and chained door that boxes my heart
he carelessly lied all over it
he let it whither by refusing to whisper back to it

could it be you creaked it open in a year
i didn’t know what you’d do
could it be I feel something for you
do you do too?

these smirks and glances
could I play my chances?
your affection and care seem more
or am I so empty i pray they are
am I so deprived of feelings since being a ***** that your kindness is mistaken for more

could it be you want more than what we have?
because I sure do
When you left her, I knew it before you told me
my stomach dropped and ached
swirling like Poseidon’s pools, trapping victims in its gushes
I thought, I hoped it was for me
but you must still love her

I think about you, about us, about words left unsaid in our lingering goodbye
when you called me your best friend - you paused- you looked into my eyes and opened your lips- why didn’t you just say it
why didn’t you tell me more
instead I defend our friendship
I’ll make you a dozen playlists darling if it helps you feel lighter

could it be you feel something more for me?
because I’m afraid to say it out loud
but I may have fallen in love with you

I use men over and over again
and they don't mind
I'm humane and kind
I don't cross boundaries
I'm just a guest
we both know it and it's already been addressed.

When he undressed me he didn't ask about my father.
When he kissed me he didn't press into my heart
because that place is very ****** dark.

I use men over and over again
to feel something
to have fun
it doesn't really matter,
because we're all agreed, this is something we both need.

But you pushed and shoved, smashed and cannonballed my wall,
I didn't want you to ask or see behind my mask,
And even though I fought this fight with laughter against your shooting questions,
you pushed and shoved against my door to find out more.

You were sweet I must admit, romantic and gentle,
but there is a reason everything is compartmental.

because when you left the next day you didn't stop to check the doorway,
where you carelessly left behind my open heart and eyes.
I didn't want to share my insides because as you walked away you didn't check to see what damage you had done.
Asking questions you didn't want the answers to.

I use men but I don't ask more than I'm ready to receive,
and they agree I'm not trying to deceive,
but you blew the doors of pandoras box and left me with the mess
that I now have to try and repress

hospitals remind me of you
the frail, the weak, the fed up
It’s been a year and I still think about you
It’s been a year and my chest still feels heavy
I tried my best to be happy and I still do every day but the thoughts of you rush to the front
My mind traces the memory of you in the bed
The beeping of the oxygen tanks
Your muddled voice
Your surprisingly warm hand but pink nose

the lump in my throat is supposed to go away, when will it leave me just like you did?

It’s been a year and I still find myself crying in bed, in the dark and busy bars, on busses and long walks
I want to hear your voice and stupid comments about greek politics

I know you’re resting in peace
I whisper quietly every night to you in the stars
but I still miss you
tell me how do I learn to rest in peace too, knowing you’re gone?

I’m over loving you

I know I’m over loving you because when I look at the space in my bed
It isn’t your outline
I know because I smile more often everyday
I know because I wanted him to hold my hand even though he wasn’t you
I do think about you in the strangest times, on planes, on trains and in coffee shops but as a passing memory
A traveller exploring a city but never experiencing its true delights
I know because I have grown up and I realise loving you was toxic

When I catch myself adoring you again, on your pedestal
I pause and wish you well
I know I’m over loving you because I want the best for you now, and I know now, that isn’t me

If you want to feel come out with me
just for the company
I promise I don’t always bite back and fight. The raging fire is subsided she is neutral, for now.
Is this happiness?
I’d like to hold your hand against mine
Feel the creases and the patterns of your skin, even just for the night.

If you want to feel come out with me, I know it’s far too soon to say I like you but the way you make me feel
I’d like to hold your hand against mine
The last thing I want is to confuse you darling but it’s far too soon to say can’t we just hold hands
Do I cross your mind as much as you run around mine?  

When we kiss I can’t stop laughing
Is this happiness?
I’ve been lost for a while, I may still be lost but I think I’d like to hold your hand just for a little while.

Forty days have passed and I still think about you every night
As I lay down in my bed
As I lay down with my thoughts

Forty days have passed and I don’t wear black everyday
But I feel that shade inside
Plain and simple
Dark and lonely
There’s nothing I can do to change it
You’re gone and that’s permanent
The finality is jarring

Forty days have passed but every night I close my eyes and see them throw dirt over you
My heart sinks and lowers down my rib cage echoing your coffin
I know that wasn’t you, you left us already by then
Yet why does my mind keep returning to that scene

Forty days have passed but Cyprus doesn’t feel quite like home anymore
Neither does London.

Forty days have passed and I keep finding my eyes stinging and breath escaping
I don’t know what to do, I don’t think any of the family know what to do now you’re gone
I suppose just carry on

Forty days have passed and my black clothes mean nothing to these people or my friends but you know and so do I

Every night I look at those constellations you pointed with one hand and the other holding your cigarette
When I see the stars shine
It’s your sign
Six months have passed and I know you’re here but I can’t bring myself to take off this black just yet

I'm so tired all the time,
wishing it was my bedtime
So uninspired and heavy
my thoughts push my head further into the pillow
gravity hooks its steel claws into my skin keeps dragging
my mind keeps lagging
my eyes sting and cry
perhaps I need a lullaby?

I'm so tired all the time,
my eyelids are in a constant fight
against the glowing light
i feel all this guilt as I sink further into my quilt

Why do my limbs feel numb and my limbs like they will collapse
perhaps I should get up?
I'm just so tired all the time,
yet why can I not sleep when I'm already in this deep


I'm so tired all the time,
perhaps this time if I close my eyes
sleep will creep upon me