The shadows of your body
Reflect off the walls of my memory.
My crimson hands, my old friend
depression sitting down beside me
In attempts to console me.

But I still see you in everything I do
I see you inside me even when I try to escape this living hell we all call home
And all I ever want is you.

All I ever need is you.

But the flowers that once bloomed up my throat
Now wilt at the absence of your touch
And I've realized my only escape from the pain is the person who's escaped my grasp.

Some people think it's easy.
That if you just tell me to smile I will and that I will genuinely mean it, too.
And I try to mean it- believe me, I try.
I try to find a hint of happiness inside of me and force it out.
I tried.
I tried to do the things that normal and happy people do
Because maybe if I tried I could convince myself that I, too, was a happy and normal person.
So I tried.
I took myself out to dinner.
I tried yoga.
I went to parties, and even though I can't dance, I danced anyways and made a beautiful fool of myself.
I finally bought myself a lava lamp because I've always thought they were cool.
I organized the clothes in my closet by color.
I spent twenty minutes picking out the ripest tomatoes in the grocery store.
I took up crocheting,
I learned a little French,
And I forgot all about this mess of a life I'm in by making a mess in my kitchen.
I sang in the shower so loud and proud that I lost my voice.
I went cheese tasting,
And I drank A LOT of wine.
I made faces at every person I drove by on the highway.
I started going on walks.
I started going on runs.
I ran to the balcony
And stepped on the ledge
And threw my arms out beside me
And screamed YES!
I'm free! And I'm so happy about it!
I'm happy.
I promise you I'm happy.
These tears, they are just because I'm so happy and my sadness is crying because it's gone.
I'm not sad anymore.
I'm normal. I'm happy.
I'm just like everyone else when they go to art galleries.
I'm actually looking at the art really hard and trying to find the meaning behind a red squiggle rather than just really trying to avoid people from seeing the pain.
I'm actually just a normal person that's perfectly content when they go wash their hands instead of a person that dreads walking up to a faucet and catching a glimpse of their reflection.
I'm actually a normal person that stepped onto a ledge to feel nothing but freedom rather than feeling a desire to take another step.
I'm actually ok and I'm so happy.
It's what I whispered to myself at night
Because I thought that maybe if I told myself it enough times I would eventually wake up one morning and find it to be true.
That I'm ok. I'm happy.
That's what I want to convince you because maybe if you're convinced...
I'll be convinced too.

My body trembles at the last time we touched
Our last goodbye before you walked away
The intense warmth assimilating through our bodies as we held each other,
Chest to chest.

And the days feel like weeks
And the weeks feel like months,
And the tears I've wept for you to come home has dehydrated me of your love.

But your paradisiac image followed me
Wherever I went
Your addicting smile was lodged there
Your exquisitely magnificent hazel eyes were there sitting next me
Your voice was in every word I spoke
Your thoughts in every word I wrote.

Your palliatating touch haunted me
Every waking moment
The simple thought of you made me feel like I couldn't breathe,
Although I've never felt more alive.

And I can feel the salty tears on my lips
But all I taste is our last kiss
The feeling of your hands against my skin,
Your heart pounding like music next to mine.

And I sit here now
Wishing for nothing more than just to hear your voice
To give only a few minutes to tell you
How much I miss you,
How much I love you.

Count my scars
One, two, three
Each represent my mistake
These scars represent me.

Count my tears
Four, five, six
Each show my flaming pain
And what I cannot fix.

Now look at my scars
The bright red flesh
Do you see survival, hatred?
I see nothing but regret.

This mirror must be broken
For I don't like what I see
This mirror must be fractured
Because my face seems broken, too.

This mirror must be unfixable
For the cracks only expand
This mirror must be crumbling
And I can feel myself crumbling, too.

But the mirror isn't broken
It perfectly reflects back.
And I am the only thing that's broken.

I'm the only thing unfixable.