I didn't want to fall for you

****, I didn't even want to like you

Those days I was so busy being abused by someone else and these days I am so busy thinking about you constantly

So it's been 10 months since I set sight on your reserved smile and bright eyes and I have thought about it every day since

You didn't even know my little details but you watched me fall apart and bawl the day my dad died

I sat there on the cold tile floor and you had to take over things for me and I think several of the best parts of me died that day

But there are so many parts of me more alive than ever now and those okay parts yearn for you

I want to forget you exist some days, forget the common grounds we share and the bonds we have created

I can't I can't I can't

I don't want to fall in love with you

I want to tell you that I do not crave you constantly and passionately
-but that would be a lie

I want to tell you that I never want to lay next to you and feel your breath at the nape of my neck
-but that would be a lie

I want to tell you how falling asleep next to you isn't something I think would be other-wordly
-but that would be a lie

I want to tell you I have never imagined us laughing in our underwear on the lanai smoking and passing around a bottle of wine
-but that would be a lie

I want to tell you I never have envisioned you and I holding hands on a bridge overlooking water and smiling
-but that would be a lie

I want you to know living a life with you at my side is still beyond my comprehension of this world and how I see you next to me for a long time
-and that would be the truth

And maybe home isn’t a brick house and a wrap around porch and a foundation built on a plot of land after all

Maybe home is two arms, and two bright eyes and and a mouth saying “I’m so proud of you. I know you’re trying”

Maybe somewhere out there in an alternate universe you fell in love with me
Perhaps in this other universe I was the one, and the only one, not the other one
Alternatively, in this made up universe I was not a naive girl who wanted to believe you could give a **** about me

I wish I could step into this alternate reality and feel what it would be like to be loved by you
To be held by you
To be kissed by you
Simply to be noticed by you

I would give anything to waltz into the room and your eyes be drawn to me first
To be the first name you want to call when you have something important to say
To be the girl who holds up the posters rooting for you in any situation

Maybe one day I won't be the other girl.

I keep telling myself  "oh it's just a crush"

But I find myself doing anything for you
And I find myself falling asleep wishing you were here
And then I dream about you just holding my ******* hand
But the love songs I hear always make me think of your goofy smile
And the movies and the shows about romance make me think about us
And then I dream about you feeling the same way

But it's just a crush. And I just feel crushed.

I hope you never feel alone knowing how I feel
I hope you never go to sleep feeling unwanted when I forget to say goodnight
I hope you smile when my name comes across the screen of your iPhone

But then again, of course you wouldn't feel alone, because I am not the one
And then again, you could never go to sleep feeling that way because she already said goodnight
And of course you are probably flipping your phone over on the table when it says "Maybe: Angela"