My heart stopped once.
It happened the first time
I tried to **** myself.
Dying felt like passing out.
...
Well, that was awkward.


-
by Aleksander Mielnikow

He's walking up the stairs, slowly.

I can hear every slender step, though
I'm sure he believes I can't. My
breath quickens ever so slightly.

It's late and he must think I'm fast
asleep. He reaches the top of the
stairs and stops. And my heart stops
with him. I float for a moment on
our soft sheets. He walks to the
room and opens the door, carefully.

The gentle carefulness of someone
who truly cares. Someone who'd watch
over me as I slept, breathing every
soft breath. He takes off his shirt
and his pants and crawls in beside
me. He kisses me on the shoulder a
goodnight kiss, blown by the sandman
for all my dreams. But I'm awake so
I whisper to him, reaching out in
the dark to feel his face, his beard,
his lips. And he reaches into darkness
to feel me. To feel my furry cheeks,
down to my chest to stroke the hair
and flesh, digging into my heart. I
kiss him. He kisses me back. And I
know he is happy.


-
Aleksander Mielnikow

She looked over the edge,
down towards the water. The
bridge was the gray of steel
and concrete. She saw her
breath through the October
air, shallow yet long and
steady. Her face held no
expression, numb. And she
fixated her eyes on the dark
center of the river below.
The coasts were always so
pretty, tidied up with a thin,
blue line. But right down
the middle lay the deepest
part. And it was darker than
the shoes in her hands. And
it all moved forward, moving
on down the line, ever
changing, as nothing changes.
As if nothing mattered. She
took a deep breath.


-
Aleksander Mielnikow

I walked alone that night,
Uphill through the snow.
And when I arrived at the place
Not a single face did I recognize.
I got a beer and sat around,
Looking down so it wouldn't seem
Like I was staring.
The ice in my frozen nerves
Became blacker than the roads
Outside that I drove here on.
And this is why I wish I
Was truly dangerous. No one
Would ignore me, yet nobody
Would venture too close. I'd
Be an animal in a zoo.
But instead I'm a scared,
Lost puppy stuck in a
Land of lions and snakes.
But I poker-faced it so when you
Finally arrived, the little
Loud part of me crying for a
Place and body and mind
I could love instead of
Loathe withered away. Or
So I thought. I ought
To know better by now.
All it took was another
Chance not taken, and
I lost all the chips again.


-
by Aleksander Mielnikow

Tonight's the night
We fight or die
And you can bet
It will be violent
But the aggression
That we have to bring
Is the only chance we have
To make a change.


-
by Aleksander Mielnikow

As the pupae churn and shrivel,
And the worm chews on my brain,
I speak to my little devil
And ask him what’s his game

As the robbins tweet and whistle,
And the land’s engulfed in flame,
I speak to my little devil
And ask if we’re insane

As the winner claims her title,
And a horse is named a lame,
I speak to my little devil
And ask why we’re the same

As the forest shakes and rattles,
And the leech is drained in vain,
I speak to my little devil
And I tell him it’s okay


-
by Aleksander Mielnikow

This battlefield still stands,
white smoke swirling as silent whispers of
dying men's shrills still fill the air.
Yet a steady snare beats for us.
We sing our silly rebel songs,
still seared upon our savage tongues.
Shrieks and shouts of all of your wrongs,
songs of sinners, we will sing on.


-
by Aleksander Mielnikow