Goodbyes are tough

I still care for you,

Sad and heartbroken,

Changed for the good too

I weigh more than I have ever weighed
And I've never been more afraid.

The voices are louder than ever before
You're fat, you're ugly, a failure for sure

You'd think I know these are all lies
That this would just render many sighs.

But it doesn't.

It's pain, it's suffering, it's absolute hell
On these thoughts I continue to dwell

Tears are shed.

If I objectively weigh more
Than I ever have before
How can I disagree with the voices in my head?
More tears are shed.

Fix it, fix it! My mind berates.
Weight loss is your impending fate.
Not to lose too much, don't worry
A couple of pounds, you'll be fixed in a hurry.

I'm trying
to not
listen.

But on the cusp of believing it's true.
Restriction and exercise is all I'll have to do.
Control, control
Something I desperately want.

But I must stay strong
And keep holding on
And try to avoid trying to fix this.

I want to be a role model
For younger girls
Accept your body
it's as precious as a pearl

Its imperfections make it beautiful.
You do not have to look a certain way
Or worry about what you weigh
You are worth so much more than that
You deserve so much more than that
Believe in yourself, and start a new day

Dear Body,

I am sorry
for the pain
I've put you through.

The problem never really was you.

The problem was my goal for perfection.

Be perfect or be nothing.

Doesn't make much sense.
Yet this thought made my life very intense.

I hated you deeply all of grade twelve
In dieting and restricting I began to delve

Desperately trying to diminish you.

Sadly it worked, and you became hurt.

Yet even when I was scarily thin
I never loved the skin I was in

Recovery was hard, but I did gain weight.
But relapse was my impending fate.

I loved feeling accomplished watching the number go down
But my mood and personality fatally drowned.

Who did I become?

My low mood drove me to change my ways
To try to brighten all the darker days

I regained weight.

Eating disorders are not all about weight
Or body image.

They're about repairing your relationship with yourself.

I tortured my body to achieve a goal
Hoping it would make me feel more whole.

And now here I am.

Still fighting.
Fighting to ignore the thoughts in my head
That tell me to hurt you again.

But you don't deserve that
You're worth so much more
Being perfect isn't what you were given to me for.

I am worth so much more than a number on a scale.

I must ignore the thoughts in my head
And treat my body with some respect.

Nourish and care for it, it's the only one I've got
Let media and culture's images brutally rot.
Have my drive for perfection no longer be a thought.
Accept myself and explore a lot.

We both have relationships
Of that I'm aware
Then why do I feel
Like my heart has a tear?

Whenever I see
His shoes at the door
My stomach drops
My heart becomes sore

I am hurting so deeply
So deeply inside
I would like a friend
to help weather the tide

Yet she always seems busy
She's often with him
I'm busy too
But my life seems so dim

It's hard because I know
She's hurting too
I don't want to make her feel
Any more blue

But this feeling has grown
For quite some time
I need to let out my emotions
In a small rhyme

I want to spend more time
just being with her
Studying, reading, laughing
Of that I am sure.

I worry about her
So very much
But with him always here
She seems out of touch.

Lying on the floor
Staring at the ceiling

I am encompassed with a horrid feeling.

The track in my head
Is stuck on replay

You're ugly
You're fat

How'd you let yourself get this way?

I am aware it's not true
But it still makes me blue

I try so hard to stay on track
But sometimes motivation is what I lack

At these moments
I hate how I appear
I despise myself
I despise the mirror

I despise the perfectionism deep inside
That caused this malady, this deep divide

That took over my mind

....

Lying on the floor
Staring at the ceiling

I realize I have to learn to cope with this feeling

Despite what my mind continues to say
Restriction isn't the answer
Acceptance is the way

Body dysmorphia
Will not rule me
Nor the eating disorder
I want to be free.

I believed I was broken.
Just damaged inside

A girl with too many problems
Too many tears cried

But he came along
Showed me the light

Didn't shy from my darkness
He's amazingly bright

He's kind, smart
and funny too

He listens and comforts
Just knows what to do

He has changed my life
in an excellent way

He always reminds me
That I am truly okay

Recovery, I'm on my way.

Before the illness descended on my brain
I never felt particularly insane

Eating disorders are not all about wanting to be thin
The pain is much deeper and emerges from within

Your self concept is shattered.

I don't think others understand
What it takes to recover, to escape quicksand.

Eating disorder thoughts are rotten and cruel
They convince you that you are a complete fool

They spit negativity into your head
You believe your thoughts, tears are shed.

Your appearance in the mirror you continue to hate
Vile thoughts continue to berate

Try living with that constant dread
Like walking around with a boulder on your head

At some points wishing you'd be better off

...

Recovery.

Congrats! You've gained weight!
Your physical health has returned, look at that heart rate.

But I gained more than I wanted to gain.
My mind is spinning, the thoughts are insane.

My mind is battling a war each day.
As I try to go to school, be a human, be okay.

The strength and will to do that is intense.
To live with your mind continually on a fence.

To have restriction sit in the back of your mind.
As you try to keep up with school and not get behind.

It is not a choice.
The voice.
Is not a choice.

But recovery is.

To try to live how I want to live.

If you come across someone battling this fight
Commend them on their courage and might.

Be their support.
Even though you may not understand.
Lend a listening ear or a helping hand.

Be the difference in their day.
Help stop their thought spiral, remind them they're okay

Anything you say
Makes a difference.
Acceptance
Love
Care
Makes a difference

Love and care will fuel their fight
To know their thoughts are not right.

Believe in yourself
and fears will melt away
Believe in yourself
and serenity will stay

For when you let your mind start to run
Your sanity begins to slowly come undone

Have faith in yourself
Try your best
Believe in yourself
And forget about the rest

I listened to Ed
Down a path I was led

A path of self destruction.

Oh no that won't work.
He's just a ****.

Time to get back on track.

Weight restored.
Mind is torn.

How can I possibly cope?

I can't go back
Down that dangerous path.

No matter what my mind says.

I will fight for recovery
Challenge my thoughts
Disobey those inclinations
Until that voice rots
It only tells me lies
I don't care about my size.
I want to be free
To truly be me.

Perfectionism's fine dancer
I am no more

That is not what I was put on this earth for

I am not here
to ace every test,
to always get 100,
to always be the best.

I am here to experience
Life's ups and downs
To fall flat on my face
To fall ******* the ground

To make mistakes
But still learn
To discover who I really am
For that I truly yearn

Life is not linear
It should not be overthought
Trying to perfect it
Your brain starts to rot

Depression sinks in
Lose yourself in a fog
Lose joy, lose yourself
in a suffocating smog.

Alas I surrender
I shall fight no more
A world with so much to find
So much more to explore.

She thought she had it all figured out.
Biology and psychology, with no doubts.

But alas
Her greatest fear
Became a reality
In third year

Trying to change
the meds she was on
Sent her in a spiral
Her personality was gone.

Crumbling into tears
Each and every day
Not understanding
How things could turn out this way

The world seemed dull
Full of despair
She couldn't concentrate
Every breath a gasp for air

She questioned the point
of university at all
Questioned her program
Her world became small

Thankfully her parents
Lent a caring hand
They were the only ones
Who could sort of understand

Things are improving
Slowly I'm afraid
Still questioning her program
And the decisions she has made.

Veering off the pursuit of perfection
One goal still in mind
To make it through undergrad
Further aspirations left behind.

I don't want to be sick anymore
She whispered to herself
As tears fell down her cheeks
She contemplated her health

Her eyes have opened, you see
To the relapse she endured
"How could I let this happen to me?"
I thought that I had learned

But mental illness isn't that simple.

It's all my fault, it's all my fault
Her mind starts to insist
I should've known better
I could've done better
Guilt bothers her like a cyst

I'm tired of living this way
I'm tired of all of this
To recovery I will commit

It's hard
Recovery is not a golden path
Easy to stroll down
It's long, it's arduous
But worth it
So worth it.
Otherwise in my thoughts I'll drown.

I will fight
I will take more care
For this new battle
I am prepared

Blaming myself will not help
Negativity is poison as well
Strength, perseverance and might
Will lead me out of this malevolent shell

Breathtaking views
of undisturbed nature.
This is where my heart lies.

The lapping of the water
The cool gentle breeze
As the dock creaks and sways.
I am content.

Barefoot in the grass
The cool earth beneath my feet
The smell of the air is rustic and sweet
Frogs hop away
Your step they hope to beat
This is where my heart lies.

Breakfast on the deck
Sun shines in your face
Skin warm and bright
Your senses filled with grace.

Pitter pattering in the kitchen
Laughter abounds
Friends and family come together
Peace is found
This is where my heart lies.

As I stare at the bay
Stress and concerns float away
A dip in the water
Or a paddle too
Ventures you into the never ending blue.

As the sun sets
and crickets chirp
The stars appear
Lighting the sky
This is where my heart lies.

Crackles from the fire
Music resonates in the air
Stories that inspire
Friends and family that care.

This place is special
Wondrous and enchanted
Magic all around,
Absorbing nature's sounds.

This is where my heart lies.

Facebook memories
Pop on the screen
Gentle reminders
of where you have been
What you have been.

Document happiness
Laughter and joy
But also the sadness
Interleaved in the pictures.

You wonder.

If I had known then
What I know now
Could I have avoided
My major downfall?
Hindsight is clear
Like a picturesque lake
None of us knows
What will be our fate.

So take these memories
Acknowledge they're there
But be proud of your growth
Your climb out of despair
You can't change the past
The future's unknown
But keep making memories
The earth's yours to roam.

Staring at this view
A feeling encompasses you

One that replaces the fear and despair
All of a sudden you become aware
Of how you've been living
With a cloud enveloping your mind
Making enjoyment difficult to find

But in this view
Sadness cannot touch you.
The calmness of the lake
Its surface velvety smooth
The sound of the breeze
Gently moving the trees
Birds chirp and water plants sway
Reminding you it will all be okay

Life is to be lived, experienced and enjoyed
Micromanaging it will not fill the void

Pause and take time
to remember the truth
You are who you are
That's enough.
No more to do.
No need to punish yourself for your perceived flaws
For the flaws lie in your thinking
It's possible to achieve
Without having to leave
Your calm, relaxed self in the dust.
Just believe.

1...2...3...4
I don't want to be underweight anymore.
My intention was never to go this far you see
But overactive self criticism got the best of me.
Determined to gain life back.
But sometimes put off track
by the illusion of control from my perfectionist mind
I sometimes find myself in a bind
My mind at war
What for?
The voice is not a choice
But recovery is
Constantly resisting the urge to restrict
So I will no longer look sick
Life is tough.
Life is rough.
But if a group of small people can change how I see
I can learn to accept just being me.

Imagine opening your eyes in the morning
Yawning at the start of a new day

Birds chirp and the sun shines into your bedroom
As you begin to gain consciousness, you may think
"I'm excited to go to school today" or
"Work will be interesting"

But in my mind the bully steps onto the stage
Get moving, start doing, it endlessly berates
Sleeping in isn't an option today

What I should do is based on my thought out inadequacies
Too fat, too lazy, the gym is where you'll go
But I'm trying to exercise for wellness
Where's the distinction? I don't know.

You didn't accomplish much yesterday
Not enough was done
You should have been studying more
In my mind these thoughts run

You are not good enough
Endlessly on repeat
Overthinking everything
Sensitive to everything I eat.

Intense, strong emotions
cloud my mind
The bully in my head
Is never very kind.

"Just don't listen to it"
"You know that's not true"
But it's so natural and automatic
For years it's told me what to do

This same drive propelled me
To excel in school
To be athletic and involved
It was a useful tool

Before Gr. 12 it wasn't so harsh all the time
When it became more malicious
I am not so sure
I endlessly compare myself to everyone I encounter

So balance is what I'm trying to find
Its inclinations I'm trying to endure

---------------------------------------------------------­---------------

Each day a war
Each day a battle
Some are better than others
I'm striving for equilibrium
And to make peace with the bully

Demonizing the bully is not effective
Nor is dismissing its thoughts
Because bullies have their own muddled pasts
I believe my bully is a little girl that is fraught

She's trying to keep me in line
Aware of the passing of time
Anxious about what's to come
Believes in control, well at least some

I have always worried about the future
Unsure of what lies there
Control is an attempt to ensure success
In a world that is uncertain and unfair

I busy myself in an attempt to distract
But I get so busy I throw myself off track
Forget to focus on what I have learned
To recognize I needn't be so concerned

It seems as I cycle through periods of stress
When my mood and my mind are more of a mess
When my coping methods may not be the best
But rest assured I'm trying, I'm trying on this quest

The surface you see may not really be me
I try to put on a brave face
Decisions, the future, which were terrifying to me
I'm now living through, to discover who I'll be

Before I go to bed
With the bully still in my head
What quiets her is utter exhaustion
But what sustains me is an ember of hope
That what I've endured can help others
All I want to do is help others
And make a difference in someone else's life
To assist them in alleviating parts of their strife

From blue and white uniforms to blue and white pills
Leaving high school was not seamless.

Top of the class, she's having a blast!
But only in that very moment.

Graduation is here, all laugh and cheer,
yet in her something had changed.

I am not good enough, being me is tough
Hey, why not lose some weight.

Moved off to university, anxiety grew.
How many months did she last?
Just a measly two.

The critic in her mind put her in a bind
She truly believed she was doomed.

Time has passed, but she is not cured,
Mental illness isn't straightforward.

Each time I fall back, I come to face the fact
I am ill but learning from my experiences.

Look at me now, it has been 3 years.
She looks thin again, people wonder and fear.

But I'm not the same person I was three years ago
Scared and naive
I have moments of clarity where I recognize the beast
On my personality it wants to feast.

But I will not let it.
I will use my experiences to grow
I will fight with all of my might.

It takes time to rewire your brain
To come to terms with its incessant thoughts

But I will strive to be a healthier me
To find balance
And be more free.

The seed was planted
On a flight across the Atlantic.

For whatever reason
I became aware
My stomach seemed bigger
My attention turned there.

Coming home from a trip
My clothes had a different fit
I became concerned,
Parts of my brain started to churn.

I want to fix this.

The flower I began to cultivate
Was one of anger and self-hate.

But most of Grade 12 I was busy
I had to perfect my coursework
Sports, clubs and a job made me dizzy.

All the while the flower was there
Slowly it grew,
I began restricting and exercising more
Nobody else knew

I wasn't getting results
But I am a goal oriented girl,
So as soon as life wasn't busy,
My mind really started to swirl.

That flower grew much faster
Sprouted very tall,
I hid my self-hate carefully,
Only realizing its horror once it became Fall

Petals have fallen, but parts of that flower still stand.

I'm trying to cut it down,
To resist helping it grow,
So the real me can be found
And a new flower I can sow

"Make sure you don't get too skinny on me again"

Thank you for the reminder
But this illness is not a choice
Sometimes life gets harder
And I start listening to the voice

The voice is always there
A back drop to my life
Never forgets to bash me
Its negative phrases are rife.

I struggle to believe in myself
Believe that I'm enough
That I'm actually succeeding in life
Letting go of control is tough

Perfection and anxiety rule my head
Along with depression
These thinking patterns swirl around
They're the source of my oppression.

In the future I forsee
Sadness and anxiety
I don't want to dwindle
I want to feel more like me.

I must choose recovery.

Perfect.
Is unattainable.
Or so I am told.
Then why was 100
Written in bold?
On my high school report card.

Courses I tried to perfect
Taking on every extra opportunity
to raise that mark higher
accepting nothing less than one followed by two zeroes

And this, I was able to achieve
In many courses, which you may not believe
Praise, cheers, congratulations
Nobody could see the underlying complications
Not even me.

Because getting one hundred
Or slightly more
Is all that prevented my mind
From beginning to roar

Because I don't make stupid mistakes
Those I'm not allowed
Losing marks is forbidden
Or my mind becomes loud

Imperfection is intolerable.
At the sight of a mark off
My mind tumbles and swirls
How could you do that?
How do you expect to survive in this world?
Unacceptable.

In high school I attempted to fix it,
Many times being successful
But that is not how university works.
And what if those tainted expectations
Find a new muse?

Self destruction.

For the anger over percentages
Turned into anger at my body.
How I looked
It never really mattered.
I knew I wasn't particularly pretty.
For the first time in Gr. 12
I stared at my mirror
After make up and hair products
Thought
Wow, if I try I can be pretty.

If I try I can make this failure go away
One more pound and I'll be okay
No fat, no wrinkles
Nothing to remind me of the
Never-ending sensation of not being good enough.

Little did I know
That means not existing.

Through hell and back
Make it to university
Now I'm on track
But wait
Perfectionism lays awake
Right behind my back
And it's ruining me.

Verbalizing my struggles
I've been told
"You don't need to get perfect"
But that voice in my head is old

It can't go away with one person's advice
Or yoga session
Or exercise
Or learning it spits out plenty of lies.

Never
Feeling
Good Enough.

Attending university is painful
But apparently it's the only cure
Avoidance isn't the answer.

But what does that mean?
Hm let me see.
One mark off here?
Work harder.  
Devote more time to studying.  
You must do better.
Mistakes are unacceptable.
You are so stupid.
Unacceptable.
Worthless.

A never ending CD playing in my mind.

I hope that my experiences
Can help someone else
That others won't feel so alone
That I can learn to accept myself.
And find a kinder voice
That is my own.

You saw my bracelet
Asked what it said
I felt a bit embarrassed
I think my face turned red.

"My story isn't over yet"
I sheepishly replied
"There's a semicolon too"
A piece inside of me died.

Mental health awareness,
I tried to explain
Yet I be you wondered
If I was truly sane

It might turn you away
I don't know what you'd say
If you knew the real me
What I struggle with each day

It will forever be a factor
When I meet someone new
I'm prepared for the worst,
Most don't know what to do.

Will he understand?
Most probably not.
He'll probably think I'm crazy
I get that a lot

I'll see where this goes
Won't let my hopes rise too high
I may have scared him off,
Always prepared for good bye

Saturday night
The moon is bright
Party happening
Everything's all right.

I meet a nice guy
But what jumps to my mind?

He only likes me because I'm made up
Oh.
Sigh.

He couldn't be interested,
Certainly not.
Once he sees what I really look like
He'll disappear without a thought.

He won't like the real me,
less make up
with glasses.
This certainly won't happen.

Because I am not good enough,
Someone better will come along.
I don't deserve this,
It's all horribly wrong.

Why get my hopes up?
When it's plain to see.
He would never ever
Like the real me.

Consistently fearful of not measuring up
Not meeting expectations.
My mind's in a rut.

I'll lower my expectations
Accept what comes my way.

He may talk to me now,
but probably not in another day.

Being goal oriented
Is a good trait
But what if that goal
Is to control my weight?

In high school I strove
For each course to have a perfect grade
But in university that's tough
The perfectionism monster emerged from the shade.

The reflection in the mirror
Was its next victim to attack
You really don't look good enough
But losing weight is a hack.

Your grades might not be good enough
But at least you're not fat
Perfect your food intake
You can always excel at that.

I can do what others can't
Resist the temptation of food
Yet this mindset only gets me so far
Into the abyss goes my mood.

At first I feel powerful
Mighty and strong
"I'm better than others"
But this doesn't last long.

Because perfectionism takes over
The bully gets loud
One break of the rules
And I'm no longer proud.

I'm controlled.
Living inside my head.
Trying to enjoy life.
When I beat myself up for eating bread.

That's not life.
That's being a prisoner of your mind
A mindset that put me
One year behind.

Yet it's tempting to return to.
When you feel empty inside
When you're so upset with yourself
Not eating gives you pride.

Disappear.
Don't take up too much space
You're too needy, not worthy,
You can't even look at your face.

...

Yet deep down inside I know I'm not alone
I have friends and family that care
Who will help me defeat the bully
Pull me out of despair

I'm learning
Getting better at managing the voices in my head
So I can live life
Eat that piece of bread

It's a tug of war
But I'm learning it's okay
To not be perfect
To know I am worthy either way

Learning to control the expectations
To not have to turn to body control
To be at piece with my mind
And nourish my soul.

The old me is buried deep inside.
The bubbly, hyper, carefree parts of me have faded and disappeared.
Replaced by a demon whispering in my ear.

No longer can I look at food without calculating if it's safe to eat
My mind may tell me to not have it, but I have to accept it's okay to have a treat.
I no longer crave candy, chocolate or chips
The taste of anything too sweet is like poison on my lips.

"Don't think about it"
Excellent advice
If I could turn that voice off
That would be quite nice.

You cannot choose how your mind thinks
How it initially reacts
How in the mirror all I can see
Is layers of never ending fat

How others see the good in me
But I can only perceive my flaws
No matter how well I've done
It just doesn't seem good enough

Each activity I partake in is well overthought
Should I go out tonight? I have to study.
Productivity ties me in a knot.

There's always something I could be doing
Guilt consumes me if I'm not doing it.
But where to draw the line you see
When others have a similar, but not disordered, mindset.

Balance?
What is balance?
Others do it so naturally.
I have to schedule "fun time" and "time for me"

But the monsters of guilt taunt me
Along with Mr. Anxiety
Perfectionism erodes me
Being alive is tough you see.

I fight.
You do not see my battles.
Yet I fight every single day.
Some are better than others,
Some days the voices aren't quite as loud.

I'm never fine
Or truly okay
But I'm learning to accept that.

I can't let these things define my day.
I think I'm learning how to handle them.
So I'm sorry if my perfect exterior has been crumbled.
Or if you feel sorry for me.

But the last thing I want to be is a burden.




The more I learn
The more I can thrive.
So I can feel like I'm truly alive.
For I can't be fixed by a magic pill
Or immediately stop the voices out of pure will.

But I am strong.
I am persevering.
I hope through my struggle
I can help others
Gain vitality

I wonder how people are able to be alone
In solitude and peace.
I am unable to do so
The background noise never seems to cease.

My loneliness I understand
Because in the absence of others
My mind doesn't quiet down
Its chattering is a never ending sound.

How did this happen?  
I wish I knew.
"Just don't think about it"
As if doing so will stop it, out of the blue.

My initial thoughts and reactions
Are automatic and quick
But their vile, evil quality
Certainly makes me tick.

They rarely attack others
What I think of myself I could never say
Yet these thoughts recur in my head
Each and every day.

I feel bad about thinking this way
Another thing to beat myself up about.
Beating myself is easy,
But demise is assumed if there isn't a way out.

I'm trying.
I'm trying to not listen.  To make peace with the noise.
But most situations are a trigger.
Just being alive requires vim and vigor.

I admit I am struggling
And all I have to say
Is I hope I can learn from my struggle
To help others in their struggle someday.

I look in the mirror,
and what do I see?
An overweight girl
Staring back at me.

A girl who has truly let herself go
Who's allowed her body to grow and grow.

But wait, hold on,
my mind is sick,
It persistently insists
that my thighs are too thick.

That picks out things it knows it can fix.

At a cost.

I can't listen to that voice
No matter how much it yells.
I need to make peace with myself,
get out of its spells.

I will achieve balance
I'll fight for recovery to stay
I'm not turning back
From that position, I won't sway.

A dagger was stabbed into her heart
Words are deadlier than weapons

With each and every crude remark
Her mind slips and fades into the dark

When will you understand
That your words burn like searing beach sand

To them , I shall not listen anymore
Today I close that condescending door.

I close my eyes and breathe.

Teleport myself so I'm by the sea.
Sounds of waves crash and fall
Anxiety doesn't encompass all.

I'm okay.
I hear the rhythm of the waves
Their lulling sound
Keeps my feet on the ground
As my head tries to spiral away.

The breeze
Gentle and free
Reminds me to let this feeling be.
This too shall pass.

For the waves never cease to crash and fall
If they do, soon again they stand up tall
I embody their perseverance.

But soon I must face reality
And leave my humble abode by the sea
But their life lessons I shall take
My fearlessness is rooted in the wake

The thoughts cloud my mind
Thoughts of worthlessness and despair
Thoughts infiltrate my head,
They may as well be hair.

Accept them as they are.
Just let them be.
Allow the tears to fall,
Let the pain be free.

Yet how can I continuously feel this way
Allow this pain to grow,
Sit as these unruly thoughts
Fall upon my mind like snow.

I'm up against some demons
Their form has morphed into something new
Demons I'd thought I'd banished away
I once again have to muddle my way through

Mud
For weeks I've been wading in it.
Hoping the rain would go away
Praying it wouldn't be here to stay.

Because I lack complete faith in me
I can not see what others see.

In that picture you look great!
My mind can only conjure up hate.

A prisoner.
Of my own mind.

But this prisoner knows its sentence will come to an end
I am determined with every ounce of might
The demons are here
But I have the will to fight.

I'll reach for the stars
Friends and family that brighten my life.
And will help bring me
into new light.

Loneliness is a feeling
That encompasses my very being.

Nobody really cares
It doesn't matter if I'm here or there.

Don't worry your family
"You're in school, you're fine"

But this isn't okay.
I don't want to feel this way day after day.

Connect with a friend, reach out for support
But silence has blocked me, built a secure fort.

I'm tired of being hopelessly alone.

Second year started
And so did her second round of battles.

Her struggles with the voice in her mind amplified
Walking around campus terrified
Alone.

This creeping sense she wasn't okay
Slipped more into her mind each and every day
But I'm supposed to be better, what can I say?
Silence engulfed her.

Reaching out seemed like reaching across a chasm.

That voice is relentless, it never stops.
Anxiety and depression come out on top.
Controlled by her disordered mind.

On the outside, "I'm fine"
Her weight hasn't plummeted so she's fine.
She's fine.

Walking on a fine line.
Between two walls closing in.
Remnants of an eating disorder on one side and anxiety on the other
Threatening to crush her.

Yet no matter how far the chasm may seem,
it's another illusion my brain just perceives
Help is all around.
There is no shame.
Asking for help won't taint your name.

Reach.
No matter how far your arm has to stretch you will find something to grasp.
Helping hands to push the walls apart.
Helping hands so your life doesn't seem so dark.
Helping words to counter that voice.

A second year started wrong,
yet it's never too late to turn things around.
To diminish that voice until it's just a faint sound.

A second chance to grow.

The minute I set foot in that room
A feeling fills me with doom and gloom
The thoughts begin

The very act of being present in class
I'm immediately in competition with everyone.

The prof speaks
I am weak
Look at all of those smarter people around you
Why can't you be like them?

I don't understand these automatic inclinations
That tear me apart
That make me fear and despise school
That make my heart beat fast and want to run out of class
That make me feel like an absolute fool.

These feelings were constant in first year.
Yet I ignored them, endured the pain.
Hoping from perseverance there would be something I could gain.

I discovered that I still did well.
I did excel,
WHAT THE HELL.

I don't understand how someone who is so anxious and lacks so much self esteem can do well.

But why don't I feel any different?

My mind is constantly lying to me
I'm exhausted from the disordered thoughts.

I don't want to be a victim of my mind.
My self confidence must become more defined.

I still remember that day
Visiting home after being away.

Rushing into the bathroom
Staring at the mirror
Not recognizing my appearance
Seeing a girl crippled with fear.

That horror.
I shall never forget
I cannot forget.
Then why do I still listen?

Today I stand in the mirror.
The thoughts circle in my head.
You're ugly, fat and stupid.
I don't think you deserve to be fed.

I wish I understood the neural circuitry
that initiated these thoughts
Wish I knew when my self esteem
Was clearly, fatally, shot

Or did it ever exist? Maybe not.
For as long as I can remember
Pretty?
I am not.

Avoiding mirrors
Holding back tears
Acceptance of the inevitable, ugly truth.

Other people are liked,
I'm a freak.
A geek
Not chic.

I wish I began working on this back then
To not have it stab me again and again

But the past is the past
I can only improve now
I want to rewire my brain,
But the question is how?

Home.
A comforting place to be.
For me?
A place where I can't control what I eat.
Where anxiety grows and encompasses all.
Where my mind tries to determine if I can eat anything at all.
Perfect.
This meal isn't perfect, that meal isn't perfect, can I eat any of it?
This is wrong, so horribly wrong.  Too many carbs, unsaturated fats.
No junk food, no pizza, no desserts, none of that.
But why?
Why does my mind insist all of it's bad.
As though avoiding cake should make me ecstatically glad.
As though proving my control makes me a better person?
Better person?
All it makes me is mad.
Yet these thoughts don't stop.
Even though they're not true.
If I can't succeed at this,
then at least I have food.
But wait!
An accomplishment, that it is not
Because when you get good at it your brain starts to rot
If that isn't the answer, then tell me what is?
See, that's the problem.
There isn't.
Life has no right or wrong, each decision is one decision.
Extremes are not good.
Restriction is not an accomplishment.
Control is not necessary.
Then why do I crave it?
I crave rules, regulations, please tell me what to do.
I want to be perfect.
And as long as I desire this,
the real me,
whoever that is
wherever she is,
to her prison she is doomed.

Wispy thin hair atop her head
Her mind berating her for eating that bread
Eating disorders are not glamorous.

Progress is made
The number creeps up as she's weighed
But she is not cured.

Thin hands, thin feet
Her mind telling her she's too fat to eat
Recovery is not linear.

For recovery she has worked so hard
Yet her mind is focused on her unsightly lard
When will this preoccupation end?

The accomplishment of restriction
Satisfies a distorted internal conviction
Which must be put to rest.


I have to fight to not believe
What I think I perceive
I can't go back down that disastrous path again.

Diagnosed with an illness
Recovery in sight
Diagnosed with an ailment
Be prepared to fight.

I'll be over it
In hopefully just a year
But that's not how mental illness works,
Not at all my dear.

A beast chronic in nature
Ready to attack
The first experience with the beast
Won't be your only setback.

It takes time to heal
To learn to cope and live
Recovery is exhausting
When you give all you can give.

But dear you'll be inspired
By tiny moments each day
When joy and gratitude fill you,
The beast is kept at bay.

Continue to fight for those moments
Your medicine is positive thought
Use the strength and skills you've acquired
The beast is discouraged by battles well fought.

The biological drive can force you to eat
But that doesn't mean her mind is all well and neat

I wish I could say
That I don't struggle every day

But most days I do.

For the negativity in my mind
Usually puts me in a bind

For a moment or two.

I constantly fight
To be cheerful and bright

Because deep down that's me.

I'll continue the crusade
Till these thoughts start to fade

And shape who I'll be.

I fear failure

A fear so strong it almost stops me in my tracks.

"Don't write that test, you surely won't pass"

Does that make sense? Well let's see.

My high school average was 97.3

I don't slack off, I surely work hard.

Then why is it that self doubt relentlessly bombards?

Negative thought patterns have played in my mind

So long my self confidence is difficult to find.

It has built up walls, making me believe I can't succeed.

But I am armed with my bulldozer, I want to be freed.

My mind tells me lies
It jumps to conclusions
Spits out so much negativity most would be disdained.

I try to reign it in
To ensure it doesn't win

But sometimes the thoughts seem so true
It feels like it's mud I'm trying to wade through.

I have to fight every single negative inclination
Be strong and fierce.

To not give into the poisonous thoughts
Like daggers, my mind they attempt to pierce.

Scrolling through old pictures,
I come across the photos
That show a timeline of my descent into madness

As mental illness ravaged every single part of me
Stole my personality
My laugh
My smile
The very essence of my being.

Most will say
"It was just a phase"
But that torment
That mental and physical pain
Wanting to disappear
The horror of looking into the mirror and not recognizing yourself
Not knowing what was going on
And not being sure you could stop it.

When your worst enemy lies within you,
How can you attack it, without hurting yourself?
Perhaps that is why mental illness is so tough to overcome.
You can't just snap out of it.

I shed tears for how sick I was
How inconsolable
How dark days turned into darker nights
Where nothing mattered
Nothing had purpose
I was less valuable than the air I breathed.

But I'm grateful for those that stuck by me
That believed in me
That picked me up when I fell down
For I didn't disappear into the abyss

I was propped back up on my own two feet
Prepared for battle
Prepared to change
Prepared to do whatever it took to survive.

Fought through university
Fought to make new friends
To NOT be defined by my invisible illness

I soldiered on.
Now I'm up against the hardest part of the battle.
Accepting myself for who I am.

And I will continue to fight.
For surrendering is abandoning the very essence of my being
My soul will not bear a white flag.

She stares at her reflection.
Recognizes her distorted perception.

Evil whispers fill her head
Self criticism is the only part that wants to be fed.

She's made huge leaps, fought her way,
And continues fighting for recovery to stay.

She finishes writing the test
Thankful her anxious brain can rest

But the test isn't actually done,
As students discuss the answers to number one.

They compare solutions,
go over the questions they found tough,
The girl wishes she could plug her ears,
But the students haven't had enough.

As they talk they realize they got some wrong,
But take it lightly in stride,
They do not know that if the girl joined in,
it'd crush her soul and pride.

Because it starts the criticism rolling,
Bashes her left and right,
"How could you get such an easy question wrong?
You're anything but bright"

"Try harder next time,
come on, I'm sure you can do better.
You need to do well, idiot,
A is the golden letter"

Others wonder why she doesn't join in
On the post-test debates,
If only they knew the anxiety and sadness it brought her,
Her mind, how it self-berates.

The girl is working to quiet the noise,
To silence the negative notions,
But until then don't discuss too much in her presence,
Step by step, she's setting positivity in motion.

These moments always bring her dread
For they arouse the negativity in her head.

To most kids, they sit and anxiously wait,
While she awaits her most feared fate

Papers passed about by the teacher.
Students scramble to get their grade.
She sits there, wishing the moment would pass.
Wishing she could simply fade.

The verdict's in, the marks are out,
Kids discuss and compare.
They ask her what she got,
She wishes she were anywhere but there.

She sneaks a peak at the paper,
Immediate thoughts cloud her brain
Students desperately want to know,
She braces for the impending pain.

"I beat her, I beat her!"
A few students cry
Others beam at their amazing feat.
As the girl feels her insides die.

"You're an idiot, how could you get those wrong?"
The mockery arises in her head.
She hates herself more than you'll ever know,
A few of her tears are painfully shed.

Her faults are pointed out by others,
As they celebrate their victory,
And her internal demons hiss at her,
From criticism, she is never free.

These instances may seem short-lived,
The pain will surely pass,
But these cracks in her self confidence
Caused it to shatter into broken glass.

My mind is filled with noise.

Sometimes the sounds of music,
Symphonies and orchestras.

But other times the sounds of failure.
Lack of accomplishment.

There are times when my mind is so intent
That I ensure my eating habits are not bent.

That I don't overeat, overindulge or have a treat.
Eat ice cream, and you will surely feel the heat.

The wrath of negative thoughts as they endlessly grow,
My mood dips into a bottomless low.

It's been a long battle, "I should be over it by now"
But sometimes those thoughts insist I'm a cow

I'll continue to fight to change my mind
And change its noise to a more melodic kind.

I have to stop hating myself
To stop trying to be the best
To put this internal war to rest.

I make big, unfortunate mistakes,
But that doesn't mean I can put on the brakes.

Because I can't be perfect.
I can't ruminate on every grade
And allow myself to slowly degrade.

My body is not a statue to perfect and mold.
I must fight Ed, stand up and be bold.

These intense feelings of pain
Cause me to wane.

I have to keep up the fight,
And use positivity and determined might.

She helped me when I was entangled in the thorns of the dreaded disease,

But it has come back to take away her peace.

I stare at each picture, bathing suit clad,
And see nothing but the evil monster, grinning and mad.

Because when I look at those photos I see nothing but the disorder

The internal torment, anguish, self-battering thoughts
That cause your self confidence and self worth to rot

That ***** and **** at each slight imperfection
That promise to point you in the proper direction

That monster, so sly, so cunning, so persuasive
But also terribly, horribly invasive

For if you let your guard down after the first fight
It will come back to prove its might

This monster can’t be killed from a therapy session
This form of attack only diminishes its aggression

But the monster lays waiting in the dark
And takes advantage of any self deprecating spark
Until it can attack like a mighty white shark.

This monster tries to take the lives of many.

Including my own.

But I will not let it destroy the friends close to my heart
The monster’s reappearance signals me to do my part

To slay the beast, relentlessly work till it’s dead
Otherwise all it takes is a self critical thought to be fed

A comparison, picture, reminder of its deceiving phrases
Fighting this monster is the only way to cure the hazes

Anxiety
A cloud of fear, bewilderment, and terror
Clouds my mind.

Yet even clouds bring much needed rain.
And anxiety leaves me with nothing but pain.

Rain nourishes the ground upon which it falls,
Anxiety suffocates my brain and sets up walls

It blocks my rational thinking,
Makes me feel as though I am sinking

Rain cycles from the ground to the sky,
But in my anxiety I simply lie

If she's not attaining the highest grades,
Nor feel like her body is adequate,

Then what is she?

Don't ask the voices in her head
As her thoughts are filled with poison and lead
Because they perceive
That if she can't achieve

She's better off never leaving her bed