i fell asleep amongst bottles of paint
and strokes of love
thinking of you
and the undying love that is
buried deep in my heart
and around it
an unbreachable wall stands to this day
unequivocally there
and withstanding
your heart is a poem
whose words bind with mine
your eyes are a paintbrush
that paint the skies
you've got a handle on my heart
painting on the canvas of the future

 - you were always an art form too beautiful for unworthy eyes

there’s
something
comforting
about
the
vacancy
in
­my
heart

i got my hopes up again
i'm sorry for thinking we were more than friends

i n e e d you

i cannot B R E A T H E without yo
                                                              ­      u

it h
      u
         r
            t
              s

                               *             *              *      
                                     *          *        *      *
            it's such a    *        beautiful      *              pain
                                    *        ­ *                *
                              *            *  ­         *              

i can almost feel your touch
your warmth spreading throughout my body
but i'm laying here all alone
so cold and lonely
i wish magic were real
so i could teleport you here
just so we could hold each other
and forget about the world
and i hope this is real
because i'm slowly falling in love
and maybe you don't feel the same
but i will wait forever just to be with you
i'll sit here until the world ends
and i hope you're the last thing i see
right before i go

dancing to alternative music
my favorite
eyes closed
spinning around the room
a pint of ice cream in my hand
feeling myself
what a good moment

you don't understand
i have a vivid imagination
i can literally feel your touch
the ghost of you
wrapping around my broken body
but it's no fun
because you're not actually here

i remember when we first started talking
and you told me if we were together
it wouldn't be fair because it would ache too much
since we couldn't touch or be near each other
and i remember just wanting to scream
"love me anyways!"
because i never wanted someone as much as i did you
it was always you
and sometime later
we are now together
and we're aching
but it's all so worth it
so worth it
and we'll be near each other soon

my demons are sitting right beside me
and i'm scared
oh god i'm scared
i haven't seen them this close in awhile
just breathe
i can't drown again
just breathe!
they're saying all these terrible things to me
please don't cry
i can't breathe
you're okay!
i don't want to be depressed again
please save me
please

i exorcized you from my thoughts
from my heart
you are no longer possessing me
i love him now
i let all the dead things go
turned some into newer and better things
deleted the words i wrote about you
rewrote some and dedicated them to him
i'm not sorry i replaced you
you've done it to me on many occasions
i hope you know you are now a ghost
lingering in my memory no more
all the words you said, forgotten
all those lies you told, learned from them
all those places you touched, i'm loving again
all the broken pieces of my heart, he healed them
forget you
you did nothing good for me
you made me afraid
and he taught me that no matter how ****** a person is
i am still worthy of love
he is the complete opposite of you
a man, not a boy like you
and i know you'll never find someone who will love you as i did
you broke me
my whole being
i love with all of me
and now i get to watch you drown beneath the waves
the end
you'll see what you lost
i can tell you miss me
why else would you ditch your girlfriend to walk with me?
i won't let you back in
i hope you realize you lost me for good this time
and i hope it hurts as much as it did for me
but it won't
because you're heartless
you won't feel a thing
and i really thought i could change you into something more
something better
a good person
but another thing i learned is people don't change
no matter how much you want them to
i don't care about you anymore
all i want now is for you to permanently leave my life
good riddance

the first time i held hands with a girl
my heart raced faster
she was my best friend
she came over to my house
we sat outside
under a blanket
and our fingers were intertwined together
back then, i didn't know what sexuality was

the first time i knew i liked a girl
was in 8th grade
she had dark brown hair
then cut it really short
she was so beautiful
it was hard to breathe
it was only a silly little crush

the first time i kissed a girl
was on a dare
we were talking about kissing
and i said
"i've always wanted to kiss a girl"
and so we did
and every time we saw each other
we kissed
it was a fun silly joke

the first girlfriend i ever had lasted only a week
but we held hands at school
and we really liked each other
but i was too afraid

the first time i knew i was really into girls too
was in a grocery store
and a good-looking guy walked past
but i didn't really feel anything
this girl was walking behind him
and she smiled at me
and my heart raced faster than it ever has

the first time i asked a girl out was this year
it didn't end well
but it's not really that hard
to ask a girl
if she likes girls too
and i knew i could do it again

the first time i knew i wanted a girlfriend
wasn't too long ago
i just wish i had the nerve
to ask more girls out
and just have fun
before i started the rest of my life

the first time i knew what sexuality was
i knew there was always something different about me
and i figured it out later on

i'm pansexual. deal with it.

If your mind's wounds were illustrated on your body, what would it look like?

Mine would have broken bones, bruises, and deep cuts strewn everywhere.

But also, stitches and casts to heal them.

i can't seem to sleep
your touch lingers on my thoughts
you're always on my mind
collecting all the dust
cleaning out all the bad stuff
it's moving day for us
we've been turning this into something good
if that's really the truth, why am i up so long -
my eyelids like weights
my body like quicksand,
stuck in this place called "you" -
thinking about us and how it could all be so wrong
"never date your ex"
isn't that what they say?
i always tell myself that so why can't i stay away?
i'm stuck in this tidal wave
you're pulling me in
pulling me in
i'm afraid i might be pulled under again, you see
i do not want to drown again
not again
not because of you
honey, if you're going to stay, please just stay for good
why tear down my walls again like you're just chopping up wood
with an ax
right where it hurts the most
and the scary thing is, if you left, it probably wouldn't hurt
it's just a battle on repeat
the same wound again, i'm numb
you can't hurt me anymore
so if you're going to hurt me, just do it
that way, i wouldn't have to peek around every corner
wondering if it's the end of us

i know i'm not the most perfect daughter
i know all i am is a failure to you
thanks, mom
i really appreciate it
you know, i have no best friends
because of you
i barely talk to one person at school
because i know you won't approve
you know, i'm trying my ******* hardest
but still, you're not proud
i get one bad grade
and you tell me my whole life is ruined
"you better just go throw all your dreams away"
what kind of a parent are you?
you know, i tried to forgive you
a hundred times
but i can't stand it anymore
you're the reason i wanted to **** myself!
you're the reason i wanted to run away!
and you say i'll thank you when i'm older
but no, i won't thank you for these scars on my arms
i will not thank you for making my life hell
as soon as i get out of this place
you're not allowed in my life
i don't want you in it
because of you
my heart breaks every day

the distance is a weight on my shoulders i'm proud to carry
it takes great strength to survive like this
to be apart from the one you love
but still stay by their side

sometimes i feel like i'm buried treasure bound with bolts and chains
i'm held down in a secret place
waiting for one brave man to go searching deep in this land inside of me
the ship is swaying from the storm in my mind
and the crew grows restless as they try to find the X that marks the spot
again and again disappointment reigns
and there's always one that gives up as it keeps pouring rain
but all i ask for that special one to stay
someone who's willing to join in the fight
to battle and wrestle with my sleepless nights
someone who's there to listen to my thoughts
and to hold me and love me when i cry a lot
someone who's willing to keep searching again
to find that treasure that's meant just for them
and i search for mine as i climb and i climb
until we cross paths and the stars align
and we will have found out buried treasure in time