I am told that I have to call someone
Whenever I feel even just a breeze of sadness.
I'm not sure who this person will be
Or how they will feel about waking up
To 9 missed calls on their lock screen
Every morning.

at this point it doesn't matter why

to the beautiful quiet boy
who lives in a timezone earlier than mine
they may not know it
but your heart beats louder than how you look
i hope you're asleep
it's thirty minutes after one a.m. isn't it?
Recounting the moments i watched you sleep
With an innocent, rested face
with your hands by your sides
you're even beautiful when you sleep
but more so when those dark chocolate eyes gaze upon the windows of my soul
wish i could hold you in my arms now
Even better if you're wrapped around me
While you're with your signature turtleneck
And me with my red pashmina
These thoughts are nothing
but at least something

There's a certain time
that's subjective to everyone
but remains universal in principle.
It is the point where
you've checked all your emails,
replied to all your messages,
and all your notifications are read.
You've scrolled down your timeline
to a point you've already seen before
and there doesn't seem to be
anything new in the once-infinite
bounds of the Internet.
And then, time stops.
The world around you grows still,
your room is dark, unaccustomed
to the lack of light from your phone.
You can almost hear the quiet
enveloping the room.
Sleep still evades you, and
the very sound of your blankets rustling
wakes you further still.
Your thoughts wander about
as the sky begins to grow brighter,
and your eyelids become heavier.
You drift off to sleep,
and time fast-forwards in your slumber
to make up for the little while
it stopped for you.

When I was 5
My biggest fear was fire
And my biggest worry was if I had to go inside too early
The outside was an endless ground for games of all sorts
From war to hide and seek
We would play until the sun set
And the streetlights shined bright
My friends lived within seconds
We'd knock on one another's door multiple times
Until we could all come out and play

When I was 10
My biggest fear was a person
Tormenting me, screaming
and striking me until I'd break
I still feared fire but not because of dying
Simply because i knew it might not **** me
My biggest worry was having to wake up
Having to live another day in that house
Such a beautiful outside
The perfect hand-crafted family home
But that shell only hid horrific events within the fractured walls
I had no friends to save my sanity
Rotting from the inside out
A loving, child's heart demented and torn
Tattered and choked until every ounce of trust and happiness leaked out
I tried to go outside again but nature could only help me for so long
Before I returned to the nightmare that was my reality

When I was 15
I feared being alone
My hell had no ending
And my biggest worry was someone noticing the scars
traced along my body
It wouldn't matter if I cut too deep
If blood poured out and pooled beneath me
Both pain and death would solve the problem accordingly
I stayed inside
What was left of my imagination focused on either dying
Or on running far far away
My brain drowned in empty hopelessness
I gave up on the world and lost faith in everything
My savior appeared but not even she could **** the demons plaguing my mind

At 18 I left home
My biggest fear was returning again
My biggest worry was not ever being ok
Because I may had left the origin of evil
But it did not change what was in my head
The demons followed me everywhere
Stalking and striking at any hour
Draining me of hope and energy
Then I met my first love
A beautiful girl with gorgeous sapphire eyes
But she hid a dark soul beneath the beauty and I soon learned the dangers of loving your demons
At first she understood me,
Helped me through my addiction to the knife
But as quickly as she came, she changed into someone I feared
Because I knew I could never leave her
She possessed my heart so tightly within her poisonous grasp
Ripping it clear out of my chest
I feared I would ruin something again and end up alone
And one day she decided that I was no longer enough
That my entire being could not suffice to satisfy her sadistic needs
She drowned my heart for 6 months,
Shattering it completely 2 times
Before deciding to leave
But that love was built on *** and deceit
And though she claimed to love me
The searing pain coursing through my entire body
Was finally enough for me to see that
she did not know how to love

Now that I'm almost 20
My biggest fear is hurting my friends and family
Because I still never know when I could snap
My biggest worries are not making enough
Money for my life
Time for my friends
And love for my family
The universe has sent me a precious gift
Someone who knows love enough to share it with me
And though I'm still broken
Her beautiful heart helps mend my broken soul
With love and understanding
We have conquered over 7 months together
But I know she could still leave
This time the twisted beginning began from me
I broke her heart before I knew she gave it to me
And I know deep down she still resents me
But I deserve it
And she's worth it

Most days I know not who I am
Society labels me a 'girl'
But inside I know that's not me
I'm nothing,
A gender less, label less freak
And **** it hurts so bad
When they misgender me
Though I'm still too afraid to correct them
It's as though they twist a knife through my organs
Whenever they say 'she'
Who knew three letters
Could bring so much pain to me
Though I put the blade away, I turned to flames
Burning the nicotine into my lungs
Still begging not to wake up
Still thinking of death every day
Sometimes locking it out
And others inviting it in willingly
I guess Adulthood really hasn't changed a thing
I work until I can't stand it
But still cannot sleep
The depression burns more intense some days
But unlike everyone else in my life
*It never truly leaves

It is so quiet sometimes.

The silence seems to drill a hole so deep, incessantly, for long hours and my ears bleed.

I miss your laughter. I miss the way you whispered into my ears even when no one was around, breaking the silence in the most glorious way I’ve ever known.

The darkness of the night becomes a pathetic shroud that consumes me entirely.

I’d be okay with that only if I could feel your body around mine.

I don’t like this silence or this darkness but they are the same before I’d met you.

I loved them, then.

How do I erase you completely so I could fall in love with the night again?

The silence so soothing, the darkness so endless.

Please leave if you have to or come back.

I don’t mean to sound needy but I want to love again. Something or someone.

I want to fall in love so hard. I want to feel alive again.

Sitting in her empty room she took another long drink from the bottle of whisky
She knew drinking alone for her was quit risky
But she was far beyond caring, far beyond giving a ****
She thinks back on her life, she could see it was all a sham
No one looking in could see
Her life lay among the debris
Of what should of been but as time had showed would never be
Pure agony in diffrent degrees

She looks around her room in the closest hung her clothes
Most of them for work, thats the only place she goes
The stereo on a table
The music is her escape when she is able
In the corner the tv
She stares at but what's playing she rarely sees
Her big comfy bed with lots of pillows
Where alone she cries and bellows

Yes at a quick glance it all looks normal, but take a closer look
It's easy to see like all the stacks of books
On the walls nothing hangs
They are blank, there plain
No posters, not one pictures, no happy memories to look back on
Yes look close enough you can see something is all wrong

She's finally had enough liquid courage
To finally end all her troubles and worries
She goes to her closest reaches up on the top shelf
Takes down her revolver and clutches it to herself

With shaking hands she retrieves the bullets from the dresser drawer
Every inch of the barrel her fingers explore
She loads one bullet into the camber, clicks it back and spins it
She's going to let the Gods and fate decide if she is fit

She raises the cold unfeeling gun to her temple
Her hand is now steed not even a tremble
Very slowly she pulls the trigger
Stopping she didn't even consider

No one heard the boom
That resounded inside that lonely room
Over was all of her agonizing delirium
She didn't feel any pain as that bullet tore through her cranium
Her walls are no longer pitifully plain
They are now beautifully painted with her blood and her brain

Man, so tired of it,
Like a long day's journey nowhere,
I'm waiting on the moment,
But the moment just don't care.

I'll stay and do my part,
Because misery loves the company,
But give me something,
This love is almost done with me.

     Give me a reason,
     I'm standing in a corner,
     Give me what ain't there,
     Still here for her.

     Give me a reason,
     Baby we watching time pass by,
     Love me baby love me,
     I ask the hourglass why....

I'm smoking my last cigarette,
Almost done with the pack,
I'll be going to the store now,
Don't think I'll be coming back.

But if you share with me
Share with me a smoke,
Baby I'll hold back with you
And maybe share that one joke.

    Give me something,
    I ain't asking for much,
    But frigid don't do nothin,
    And nothin I can't touch.

     Give me a reason,
     Say anything just one time,
     Say anything,
     I'm running out of rhyme....

Reasons why,
We can't be done
Reasons why,
Baby you're my only one.....

1970
He sat next to me in Junior school
when I was just a little girl.
Always so sweet to me
I really liked him…
well ….
no much more than that.

1974
At middle school
he carried my books
home from school.
we became best friend's.

1979
At high school
I gave him my pin
he gave me
his friendship ring.
he was my date
for the prom.

1983
we both went away
to college together.
I was lonely and slipped
into his bed he held me safe.
we broke the chains of friendship.
And he became my lover.
my one and only lover.

1988
We married young.
Our  parents were
not surprised.
They were expecting it.

1994
we have three kids now
two girls and a boy.
Our son looks just like him.
when we first met
so long ago.

September 10 2001
He came home from work
just like any other day.
Put burgers on the barbeque.
We got the kids to bed
had a glass of wine.
And went to bed at Ten.
He wanted me
but I was exhausted
the kids had been terrors all day.

September 11 2001

he left early for work
with a cheek kiss
and a see you later Honey.
The kids went to school
I poured a coffee
the phone rang it was my
best friend.
Have you seen the news
she said.?
I put on the TV.
the towers fell to ashes
as did my life at that moment.
No tears came
All I could think was
I wish
I had made love to him last night.

September 11 2015
The kids are all grown now.
he would be so proud of them.
Our son looks just like him.
We all stand
at ground zero
and say a prayer.
I whisper
it was you honey
always you.
He answered me.
At that moment
a huge arc of a rainbow
circled the sky over NewYork.
And I know for sure.
It was for me.