A soft flutter in the top of the trees
Beauty as the flowers are swarm by bees
Counting the cracks on the crooked ground
Dodging the birds as I spin around
Every sound slowly comes alive
Frantically the squirrels dig up nuts they use to survive
Gorgeous patches of fine green grass
Hastily jumping to avoid the broken glass
I take in the smell of the spring
Just listening to the birds sing
Kind eyes from passing friends
Loving embraces you never want to end
Meeting the soft sunrays with a warm  smile
Never closing my eyes, just watching the sun a while
Over the hill I quietly lay
Patiently waiting for the vanishing sunrays
Quiter the world seems to fall
Resting their heads in the treetops so tall
Slowly the sun sinks lower
Towering for a minute the sun grows slower
Until it fades into dark blue skies
Vanishing before my green watching eyes
When the last glimpse of the golden globe disappears
X-rays of the stars fall leering
Zenith well passed in the open grass of the clearing

What it'd be
to be the same cup of tea
and poured so thoroughly
for all the world to see

What it'd be
to be sought and enjoyed
rather than looked
through tainted and destroyed
colored glasses,
decidedly annoyed
people fix me irritated glances
I'm not a crowd pleaser
and alone viewed as bitter
I'm sorry I'm not your cup of tea
if you see a quiter
then a bitter quiter has to be me

What it'd be
to not even be me
maybe instead
from a mint brewery
then my demeanor
would appear brighter,
cleaner
but not to you
achu achu
appearances never
faze to blue
until that brew adieus

What it'd be
for my recipe
to have been escriben
so graciously
near my name
Instead drank ostensibly
spit contemptuously
and given tired out pleasantries
failed to taste great piquancy
no red, yellow, or blue cup's
compatible dripping amenity

And oh what it'd be
for you to see
that with the alliance with a honey bee
everyone's cup of tea

When i was ten I asked mom to hire a stripper instead I got a sitter.
Still I saved my allowence in hopes cause im no quiter.
In highschool I got busted drinking in the parking lot.
So I ratted on the teachers on the lounge who to which I sold ***.

My first girfriend was math teacher.
She said I was the devil dumped my **** now she's the wife of a preacher.
Its hell to drink alone thats why you can find me at the bar.
that guy cutting jokes hitting on anything in a skirt yeah hampsters you know who I are.


I been behind bars for some things I say I didnt do.
Trouble loves me so.
Im at christmas like santa how I love a **.
cant figure my direction to the this mystery you really dont need a clue.

Got eight dui's fifteen drunken in public a partridge and a pair tree.
When the judge asked son are you insane.
My reply was hell amigo im just being me.

I borrwed a car and took it for a short five state trip.
And when the cop pulled me in Atlanta I just raised my glass and asked hey friend wanna sip.
They call me Gonzo.
I love whiskey strippers and *******.
Ive dated a **** star  who left me cause she was worried id hurt her image
cause she  thought I might be insane.

Burned down the highschool for lack of nothing better to do.
Yeah schools out  wanna marshmellow  mister long fellow.
I'll pass on the long walk on the beach why not just head for the dunes and have a
cheap *****.

***** old man whos still kinda young.
Living till I die  lets hit the bar I'll take another hit till im in the iron lung.
Im so good at being bad.
***** the truth just make up how many ya had.

One last round till I hit the ground.
Do ya ever wonder how it would be.
To cast care to the wind and hang with me?

Nobody likes ya well sure i do.
Well maybe till I wreck your car  call you at four in the morning to ask hey ya sleeping?
Light fire to the forest just taking a **** and borrow your life savings maybe throw a party at your expense.
Just have some innocent fun and forget to check ID's.
Tape the preachers daughter  getting nauthy sell it straight to dvd.
look a girls got expenses im just saying someone slap me.

So really wanna hangout?
Come on im not that bad trust me.
Im worse.

So enjoy that life so normal  take your pills.
Work your **** off for the weekend and sleep ease as you nap.
That you really dont run with the Gonzo
So stay crazy hampsters and of course avoid the clap.


                          Cheers from your favorite
                                         Madman

At the surface
Still waters
Dip a finger into the liquid body
Cold
Like me
Inside
Remove my coat
Fold it neatly
And place it on the frozen earth
Blink away tears
The end was coming
Blood had been spilt
To many tears lost
The skies were falling ....
I heard death calling
Remove my shoes
That bound me from running
Away from the screams
Wade into the waters
Disturbing the sleeping waves
Cold liquid envelopes my ankles
My breath hindered
Keep going
The wind whispers
Don't stop
I look to the blue heavens above my fragile
Human head
This is all that's left
When my path has darkened
And my light has escaped
Wishing through opened windows
At my waste now
My blood fills the pools
Seeping my misery
Spreading through the crystal waters
Tainting them
But I don't stop
Even when the ice chilled water
Scratches at my neck
Not even when I'm completely emerged
I'm drowning , sinking
In my pain
I scream beneath the waters
I scream for every heartbeat
That was skipped
Every moment that he missed
Every unjust tear shed
For every scar
For every nightmare
For every time I was hurt
For every word that broke through me
I screamed for death to take me
I screamed for it to stop
I sunk deeper
So deep ...
Like the cuts
In my body
Like the scars on my heart
From the abandonment
From my hatred
For the fire that simmered
And crackled in me
For my wasted passion
For every second taken from me
I sank deeper
I Sank faster ...
Just to find
I was an angel
Hidden behind frozen shut doors
With battered wings
And broken hope
Living in the dusk
When I should've looked for dawn
I found
Death was much quiter
Than the choir of cruelty
That we face
Everyday

Because the love she sent you wasnt enough
the joy she gave you
wasnt the same
as love
so instead of fighting
you gave up

Let us walk,
let them fight.
in the end we'll be alright.
You're in my site .
Just like a kite
. with out control.,
                                                              st­uck on parole..
Be my boo I see right through
         You are untamed .
thiss , just inflamed.
    your'e parents fault they did not change!
there mistakes left you to blame..,
   your past my level on a second step.

that's why I look up and tell you wassup..
holding you're sane'   avoiding the lame  
You are free when you're with me
Tighter
....quiter...
be my fighter.

jesse   *Mckush

My whole body was flooded with agony from head to toe as the tears poured from the corner of my eyes. You stood infront of me saying not a word with your head bowed down. I also kept silent but it wasn't because I didn't have any words, it was because I had so much to say but I knew it didn't mean anything anymore. Those unspoken words have never left my mind to this day...

But I knew it was pointless. I turned my back and took a few steps and as I was walking I realized I wasn't just walking away from my best friend, my lover and my entire world. But I was walking away from everything I had put into you.

All the work and effort I had put into you. I had tried to fix you, but I couldn't. You were unfixable. Never in my life had I ever failed at anything before. I mean, I had failed a test before and had failed at games and other things of such. But I never quit, because it's in my nature to strive for success. You are the only thing in my life I have ever failed at. But I couldn't turn back. I kept walking away from you. I was so broken and ruined and overall just drained. I was mentally exhausted. I had tried so hard, more than you deserved and more than any other girl would have put up with, but I did all of it because I loved you.

Then I stopped walking away. I stood still, wiping away remains of smeared mascara from my cheeks with the cuff of my hoodie. I had to stop sticking up for you like I always did. I didn't fail you, no, you failed me. You let me down. You didn't give me support and unconditional love and acceptance the way I did for you. You changed me and brought out the worst and darkest side of me. I lifted you up and you pushed me down. You failed me.

But it was okay, it really was. Because like I said, I'm not a quiter, I'm a succeeder. I find solutions and different paths to achieve success. And I knew then that I was stronger then I realized. I was going to get through this. I didn't lose, fail or quit. In the end I won, because I lost someone who didn't love me but you lost someone who truly loved and adored you more than anyone or anything in the whole world. You lost the girl who would have done anything and everything for you just to see you smile at her own expense. And I wanted you to know that you may have wrecked me but I was going to pick up the pieces and rebuild myself up again, stronger than ever. So when you see me later on in life, you will see me succeeding and you will have failed without me, the only person who pushed you to strive for success. I wanted to promise you that you were going to regret ******* up with me.

So I turned around and walked back to you as you opened your arms to embrace me. I shoved away the arms that once made me feel at home. I looked you in the very eyes I used to get lost in and I then said what I needed you to know.

"I am the best thing that has ever happened to you. When everyone had given up on you I believed in you. I didn't give up on you. Why? Because you don't give up on people you love. And I loved you. I loved you more than anything. It wasn't easy to always stick by you. I lost and destroyed myself by falling in love with you. But I did it all because I loved you. You're going to look back and remember me and everything I did for you. And then once you realize that I was so good, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life once everyone has given up on you and you're going to wish I was by your side again. You're going to remember me and remember that I was the girl who you broke. "

And then I walked away and never again looked back.

to be that
silly fool
quiter failure
loser *****
meek and scared
you don't have to

. . . be that
big fat mistake
that you once made
maybe a dozen times
it doesn't have to
define tomorrow

as today
is not yesterday
and this year
is not last year
as this life
can be almost anything
moving forward

if you try
and just...
show up

for every single day
can be almost anything

I grabbed the lighter off the counter
I walked outside
It was late
I was home alone that night
I sat on the side of the sand box in front of my house
My hand was shaking
I was exausted
I was stressed
I just needed something
Anything

I pull the Cigarette from the altoids tin I hid it in
I pull it up to my lips
I flick the ligter and a flame shoots up
I light the end and take a deep breath it
The end glows with red embers
Suddenly everything is quiet
I exhale blowing out the smoke
It's the last gohst of my inncoence that floats away
I take another breath in and am filled with a silent minds

My mind is finally quiter
After years of no stop chatter
All is quiet

The silence screaming in me head
give me something please i beg
talk to me so i may live
silence deadened all forgive

inner rage yet outside peace
wanting life to re-release
thought my head would cope so well
fear the silence all not well

chains so heavy yet quiter still
talk to me ...hear me
heartbeat ..fear me
silence ..scare me

who am i now?

i've been asked "why are you so emotionless?" "why are you so fearless?" many times this past week.
i feel like it's been an infinite amount of times, i lost count.
truth is, i wasn't always like this.

if you were to ask me about my 12-year-old self, oh, you'd think i was the most living, joyful human being on the planet.
always so cheerful. huge smile. with so much desire to live & energy running through my veins, i'd enlighten a whole new world. i'd create supernovas with my laugh & you'd see galaxies in my eyes. a broad & unlimited imagination, i'd take you to new places & worlds you never thought existed. just by my prescence, i'd create an avalanche & turn nightmares into dreams.

if you were to ask me about my 15-year-old self, oh, you'd know that not much changed. just for one thing: that the 12-year-old girl had died. i then was a little older, a little quiter, a little limited.
i wasn't able to create supernovas anymore or to turn nightmares into dreams. dreams turned my life into a nightmare, & the demons i once thought hid under my bed now lived inside me. my prescence was somewhat felt, but you wouldn't be able to see galaxies in my eyes anymore. the galaxies were eaten out by black holes & my life was consumed by the dust.

if you were to ask me about my 18-year-old-present-me self, oh, you'd know that not much has changed. just for one thing: that the 15-year-old me had died. the demons almost took her life, but they did take her soul & her innocence completely.
with no soul, there's no emotion, no desire, no energy, no life. i mean, how could there be life still underneath all the dust & all the darkness?
"why are you so emotionless?"
"why are you so fearless?"
because when you go through so much darkness alone & you drown to the deepest part of the ocean, you learn that the only one who can give you the light & strength you need to swim back up is yourself. because you know it can't get worse when you already had reached bottom low, so you just learn to swim with the weaves. because you learn that it's better to not get attached to temporary feelings that could bring darkness along all again. because life is so much better & simpler when there's nobody pushing you over the edge of the boat. because when you lose everything, there's nothing left to be fearful for. there's nothing left to care for.

i ask myself, "who am i now?"
if i'm not the girl who could enlighten a whole new world, create supernovas with her laugh & had the galaxies in her eyes;
or the girl who wasn't able to turn nightmares into dreams;
or the girl who got her soul & her innocence completely taken away;
who am i now?

If I think it will be
and the thought is
worthy of me
will it be so?

A question to slow Sunday down when the world's spinning too fast, a crust cast on the rippling brook, a hook.

Reel me in I am caught,
the answer is not what I fear, but the riot of questions which rise on the incoming tide brings to me dread,
better to be living,
much quiter dead.

What I think's not the question or the reason to be
alone on the storm line watching the sea as the sea watches me waiting for the answer, but what will the question be?

It's getting quiter and it gets a little lonely sometimes.
But I keep drawing on the walls.
Hoping someone will stumble upon me;
The way you did.
And maybe I'll break free from the castle I created for myself.
But for now I like my brick walls.
It keeps me safe.

-m.b

Dear ex lover,
I see you everywhere
Your name etched on the insides of my life
everywhere I look there are traces of you

Dear ex lover,
I hope you are well
The angel that you are
took me, a broken thing bruises and all
plucked me from hesperides and brought me back
to the land of the living
Just to hold me close and whisper all the good into my ear

Dear ex lover,
I know that on the surface I was silver and strong
but the devil never liked a quiter
and those demon's arms have a long reach

Dear ex lover,
I used to love the grocery store
Linoleum and fluorescents
The way you moved so effortlessly

Dear ex lover,
I used to love the grocery store
But my aisles are filled with ghosts
and my pantry is a tomb

Dear ex lover,
I know I hurt you
My decisions were not the best ones
This body has felt so heavy for so long
and these demons scratch at my skull

Dear ex lover,
I hope you are well
I hope you laugh
I hope your belly is full
and you have a warm bed to come home to

Dear ex lover,
I wish you well
always

Dear depression - You and your friend anxiety.
You have no power over me, and my sanity.
Do you know how happy I am when you fail to show?
Oh! I wish you would know.
How complete my life is without your unwanted baggage!
But somehow you always creep up on me, don't you? You savage!
Well, I put my foot down today!
You've had your way with me, but that was yesterday!
I will outlive you.
I will crush you.
You have no place here in my heart.
Remove yourself from my life, you filthy dirt.
No more shall you make me feel small and unworthy.
From now on, I will be free and healthy.
No more of your sad, sad feelings.
No more of your evil, evil dealings.
I choose to be free!
I choose to be me!
Get away from me, why don't you?
I am more valuable than what you make it seem true.
I am no failure. I am no quiter.
I am a survivor. I am a true fighter.
I have seen you take lives from their beloved.
But here with me you are over powered.
Listen when I say your days are numbered.
You have no power here!
I wish to make this crystal clear!
So please pack all your things and go.
I don't want to feel you in my space anymore!
I hate the way that you make me feel.
How much more of me do you want to steal?
You nasy parasite.
Please get out of my sight!
I'd give anything to see you dead and burried.
My friends and family out here worried.
Because of you and your friend anxiety.
I want my life back, along with my sanity.
Farewell depression.
Till we never meet again!

I wore blue flowers on my dress,
white flip flops on my feet.
I call this summer casual.
That was my dream. You
are not buried yet.  Soon.
I see me in the chaple
working the crowd.
Flowers in my hair.

You died on a Tuesday morning.
I was eating pizza.    I looked and
saw the flat face of death in your
beautiful eyes. You had no response.
I sat in the chair I occupied while
you were alas living.

There was no way of knowing your
deeps and shallows ebbed to the
middle of Tuesday.  There was no
more of you in my eye and I was
quiter than ever.

My dress is in the mail, my shoes
are in the closet.  I will wear blue
flowers on my dress and white  
sandals. I call this liberation.
I am released from dull gray and
the dumb dun serge you wanted
me to wear.

I sit here without tears having cried
for two months.  You are long away
and if not thinking of me you are
at last  peacefully free of trying.


Caroline Shank

Im trying
Is all im saying
Im no quiter
My mental keeps saying
Im trying
Is the best im doing
I keep on yearning
Stop talking and get to doing
Is all im hearing
Its all about me telling me
Thats all easy said than done
Its what keeps on happening
Im trying
Its just i keep on yearning
Its not craving
Thats what im knowing
Its controling
Its influencing
Its all mental acting
Still im yearning
Still im trying
Acting is commencing