Scared Prt 1.
2014
iM Scared Of Losing What
iHave Left.
iM Scared Of Seeing What
iHave Left Go Away.
iM Scared Of Disappointing
My Loved Ones Again.
iM Scared Of Being Reminded
What the reality of Drugs.                        can do once again.
iM Scared iF iM Sober Then Fall
iWont Ever Change again
iM Scared The Drugs Can
Take over me Like it Has before
Once more.
Scared Of Feeling Numb And Live The Whole Drug Addiction Cycle all over.

Scared prt 2.

I Relapsed & Now I'm worried.
Will I Go back to my old ways?
As much as I desire The Feeling of escaping my reality,
I can't live Like that. I don't want to be a drug addict all over again.
The Feeling Is pleasant . The Living of being 1 Is Horrific.

Scared prt 3
2017
I’m scared
Of never finding hope
To believe my life has no worth
To never finding a light
To get lost in the
Darkness of my depression.
Im Scared
To never feel true happiness
To believe I have
No purpose in life.
To see I really don’t matter ..
I’m scared to prove
Myself right.
To really never start a life.
I’m scared to
Then lose my self again
To lonely nights with toxic touches

Scared prt 4

Be aware
I’m not scared like I used to be.
To lose  you, see you walk out.
Watch you leave & end us.
I have drugs.
To replace you,
Forget who you were
Erases our memories & best times.
Be aware
If you do me *****, I don’t care.
Drugs will always be there .
Il depend to forever not feel..
If you leave me, I won’t cry.
I have lines to get me past times.
So please know , I’m not scared.
To be left ,

Scared prt 5
2018

I’m Trapped.
I’m not ok , I’m not safe.
The habits creeping up.
Slowly but rapidly.
I believe I got it together.
I tell myself I got it under control.
But do I really?
Relapsing after 2yrs is making an impact.
I’ve been falling frequently.
For a short time but I’m still using .
It will take ahold of me unexpectedly.
Slowly convince me this Drug life’s worth risking .
I need help .
I look fine.
I haven’t used severely but my minds hyped.
Il Get To that level.
If I don’t reach out in time.
My thoughts are converting slow
I can feel the careless emotions growing.
That’s why I’ve found it so easy to use and get away with it.
“Just today” “it’s only alittle” “I can handle this”
That’s until I build up my tolerance.
Lord Help me .. you know il cause heartbreaks if I turn back to what I Once was..

Scared

I’m so scared.
To get played again .
To get lied and betrayed.
I’m scared of my reaction.
I know il die alive.
I won’t even have the strength to ****** you.
I’d be so broken and just let the world walk all over me.
If you Do me *****
I’d lose it completely.
You’d prove all my doubts correct.
Assumptions I already knew were true in my head.
If you play me, Id lose my head.
Literally, go insane due to confusion & hate.
If you hurt me.
Drugs is what I’m going to be out searching.
Not even ask for an explanation.
I’d be too focused walking straight ahead to my connects house.
If you do me shady.
I Will Be angry at the world.
Scream to the top of my lungs
“WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS
I would drown myself in drugs.
I’d hate the world completely for hurting me when I’ve done none wrong.
I’d go So crazy.
How can I So Loyal Be Played With.
Etcetc can’t even write more

Scared prt 6

2018
Im not scared
Anymore .
I don’t know what to feel
Anymore.
I think I’m worried,
I just don’t feel it
Anymore.
My thoughts try to
Tell me something’s wrong.
I Can’t think of anything..
I’m unsure If I’m ok.
I don’t know if I’m
Even thinking straight.
I remember once feeling
So afraid.
I had to seek help on my own .
For the sake of my sanity.
My heart felt a heavy
Storm coming.
It rushed me to look out
Find shelter .
With strong material .
I started moving .
But did I act fast enough ?
Did I act before or after
Time had already passed..

Scared prt 7.
I’m scared
To Relapse & Stay Stuck
To give up recovery
I’m scared to
Look at you and walk away forever.
To just not care wether you believed I truly loved you.
I’m scared
For my love to be trapped
For all My strength to be gone
Lose it all ,
I’m crying.
Addiction will forever live in me
Wether Active or Overcomed
This drug will Always come
Aslong as I’m Happy , Positive
I won’t want to take a hit
But Even if nothing’s going on
My body & mind will randomly itch.
Ive been walking with this for too long to just erase it .
To forget I had a habit .


Scared prt 8
Jan 2018
Im not scared
Anymore .
I don’t know what to feel
Anymore.
I think I’m worried,
I just don’t feel it
Anymore.
My thoughts try to
Tell me something’s wrong.
I Can’t think of anything..
I’m unsure If I’m ok.
I don’t know if I’m
Even thinking straight.
I remember once feeling
So afraid.
I had to seek help on my own .
For the sake of my sanity.
My heart felt a heavy
Storm coming.
It rushed me to look out
Find shelter .
With strong material .
I started moving .
But did I act fast enough ?
Did I act before or after
Time had already passed..

Scared Part 9
Am I Fine.
Will I not rack a line.
Never touch a Rock in my life.

Am I Good.
Will I not Use again .
Will temptations not be seen as threats ?
Can I handle.
My urges to not Tweak again.
Will my triggers Be nothing to worry about?

Will I never feel tempted.
Have I finally over come every Obstacle of addiction?

I’m sorry.
I’ve worsen , I’m stuck once again.
This time it will be harder .
I’m a recovering addict
Stuck in a constant relapse Cycle.
What must I do
Should I sit & wait
On my next down fall ..

SCARED PRT 10

March 2018
I Didn’t notice.
Like always
I believed I had it all under control.
Everything was ok.
Everything seemed fine.
I felt normal,
I would stop soon.

I was Wrong ..
I Fell Down So quick.
I went hard.
No dubs or teeners.
I went straight to a Ball.
I just went all out.


I lost myself again.
I Lost control of the substance.
I Was trapped.
It became a problem.
One I wasn’t aware of.
I Had no recognition of at all.
I Didn’t see that I couldn’t stop.
I kept going
Kept using without seeing the frequency.
The days spent stuck.
I lost touch with reality.
This previous Relapse
Has been the worst in my life .
I haven’t had a binge like this time since 2015.
I used every day .
For 6 1/2 Weeks.
I lost track of the days & time.
I Sniffed & Smoked 2 8 ***** all to my self.

At the time I didn’t see how crazy that was.
Those weeks, an 8 didn’t surprise me.
The amount didn’t shock or Worry me.

I was fine , I had control.
I was doing ok , everything seemed & felt normal.
It was just a small relapse.


I was wrong
I lost touch with reality.
I formed a habit .
I was addicted again .

The sad part is
I’m able to acknowledge this Only through writing.
In real life , my denial mind
I’m able to handle my addiction. I’m ok & Dont have a problem.


It angers me.
Since my 1st Relapse
In August.
I’ve Fallen Very often.
It saddens me.
How I quickly Skipped
The Weight.
Why does it worry me?
My mind will no longer seek a Dub when I’m triggered to use.
It will want Another ball.

Anything less
My Addictive mind
no longer craves.
It now settles for Big.
This relapse has changed the game for my addict ways.
I’ve Relapsed every month
Since August.
I Had it all under control.
I Was able to use and stop.
Just this last time
I completely lost it.

Scared prt 11

I’m scared .
To lose my strength.
Have no durability.
To Give in So quick.
Be that weak
Where I don’t fear Tweak.
Find it easy
To just go seek.

I’m Worried
To reach that level .
Just Relapse constantly .
not care who Knows.
My problems
Have me overwhelmed.
Every day
The Stress grows .
I can’t bare another
Tug & Pull.

I remember
When a the word relapse
had A meaning .
When I’d Explain what it
Meant so you can be aware.
Told you what tempts me
What are some triggers.

I Expected You to
View it as a 911 call.
To help me when I’d fall.

You never payed mind
To the importance of it.
Just like you Didn’t think
Telling you I had an addiction Was something that bad.

I remember when
You Made your own definitions
To all the words I’d tell you.
I’m the one struggling
But you always made yourself the victim when it was me who needed attention, apologize, comfort & to support me.

Temptation & triggers
Have no meaning.
You never cared to look after me.
It wasn’t something you’d have to be 24/7 about.
You never questioned your negative actions & how that’ll provoke me.
You never cared until

A Relapse
Meant I Used because
I wanted to get high.
Finally You show importance.
Not in the way where your concerned if I’m ok & hoping that hit didn’t cause harm.
Concerned to where you stood by my side & talked on why it happened & what can we do to prevent it again.
instead , a relapse means
Talking **** to me , making me feel bad , blaming me, making yourself feel like I betrayed you
Feeling so angry saying I don’t love you & love that more.
You abandon me & go m.i.a
When you were the cause of why i couldn’t handle feeling hurt etc

I remember when
Relapsing made me feel guilty & so bad because I failed you & disappointed you.

I remember When
I’d tell you I’ll never be honest on my sobriety , confess or hand over paraphinillia .
For me to do the opposite of what I swore I’ll never do.
All because it killed me to lie & hurt me to see you stress your mind on doubts if I’m clean or not.
All For what ?
For you To talk **** to me when I confess about relapsing, for you to call me drug addict & insult me calling me Druggie tweaker etc
When I’d Hand you things
Etc

Me Being honest to you & open with my recovery only
Damaged me more.
What I gained wasn’t support.
It was money being thrown at my face telling me to go get high.
Calling me drug addict in many insult full ways.
You made a joke out of
my struggles.
You’ve never been there for me.

How far the meaning & value of relapse once meant.

A relapse now means nothing to me when it comes to you.

Being true to you
Only back fired.
You use it as leverage
To insult me more & have negative things to reply.
“I wouldn’t know, you kept
it from me before” etc

to the brave warriors
who reach deep within
their souls
turning darkness into
something beautiful
and whole

to the emotional empaths
who feel things
deeply
speaking their truth
wildly embracing
vulnerability

to the poets
who self-doubt
fearing they’re
not worthy:
the world would
not be the same
without your journey

Im a Drug addict.
Who Replaced there substance.
No more Crystal,
You became my new ****.
I grew an addiction
Following obsession.
For you to love me.

I was addicted
To doing everything
To get 1 feeling in return.
Your love .

I let myself get walked one.
Kicked , tossed , Used.
I let you treat me at your like.
Today your nice
tomorrow your mean.
You gave me attention & love
At your convenience.
I was ok with it.
Even though it was all tearing
My heart apart
I let you Play me.
Betray me, lie & fool me.

I knew you Were bad.
You’ve done nothing but cause damage to my heart, soul & mind.
You cheated .
Emotionally & mentally.
You Abused me.
Emotionally & mentally.
The pain you’d cause
Was so Harsh
I considered suicide as
my way out.
To end the reality
Of what we really are & Forget that invisionsed a fantasy.
Of you being my Prince Charming.
Who’d treat me like a princess giving me nothing but love & reasons to smile & feel happy.

Seeing you worser than ****.
your Real , You treated
me the way I feared .
“I don’t want a relationship,
I don’t even want my heart to get broken .”
I gave you reasons why
Examples ,
What’d you do ?
Everything I told you
I did not want someone to
put me through.

Oceans could boil at my whim,
Fish could wish to walk instead of swim.
Angels could fall if fall they would,
And demons ascend if rise they could.

Restless spirits can rest if rest is wanted.
Freed from earth and those they haunted.

Kiss of fire,
Heightened desire.
Smouldering to my core,
Power untamed and power raw.

Illuminating darkness with my will
Soothing tides till tides stand still.

Goddess caged,
Truly enraged.
Loosening bonds which bind reality,
Watch as humans reduce to brutality.

Then to the Mother they turn to again,
Return to the Earths womb and be reborn again.

You will lose her.
Drugs will take her.
It’s no game.
She’ll be manipulated
To loving dope again.

Be aware
Take procaution .
Every relapse
Is a step closer to losing
Her self again

Her prospective will turn  .
Her views and thoughts
Will twist.
All good she believed in.
The positivity she spoke On?
Will be forgotten.

She Will Lose herself.
Drugs will Take her.
Are you prepared to let go ?

It’s no game it’s no joke .

One gram, 1 day.
Need to slow down,
line after line.
what exactly am I trying to feel?
obsessing over chopping till fine dust.
spending all the time emptying
out more & more.
trying to feel something.

This isn't my Poison.
Its a replacement,,
subtitiuting my cravings.
Overdose is posible with anything.
am I over doing it?

trying to feel something.
can't tingle ****.
it's upsetting.
I hate it
though here I am..

angrily reminds me.
He wasn’t raised to show affection.
His reason to why he’s
Never caring or “loving”.
In a mean why
Telling me He’s Sorry
He can’t respect or show How much I mean to him .

Angrily tells me
He’s Sorry He can’t
Show me the “boyfriend qualities” id wish he had.
His excuse to never Making me feel special, appreciated, wanted is
He has no experience being in a real relationship.

Angrily Tells me
To go find someone els
Who can treat me the way I want.
Who Can do all the things
I ***** that he never does.
His excuse?
Once again..
He has no type of experience
Never had a real gf.

Angrily tells me
He has no experience showing someone how much they
mean to him .
How he doesn’t know how to treat a real girlfriend..

All of this gives him the right
To act So cruel.
All of this Is why I’m
Forced to forgive him for all of his hurtful actions.
I’m forced to be understanding
To always accept this.


Clueless on how to act in a relationship.
Mind blank of how to be loyal , Kind , caring, Honest & respect.
Well Learned To
Lie betray hate & be disrespectful
.
Clues on how to show love.
Be amourous , give affection.
Well educated on how to ask & insist for ****** pleasures.

He’s clueless on how to
make me Feel Special.
Well educated to make me
feel like I’m nothing .

Says to not expect
Teddy bears , surprises, Gifts.
He doesn’t know how .
He knows how to
Vanish for days give
Unread texts & missed calls.

Parents showed no love.
So he’s not experienced.
Parents didn’t show him To look & ask for ***.
But he’s fluent In Talking & Making his way through those gates.

You once told me.
'Not everyone thinks like you'
I Now know.
what your phrase means.
how its applied to our life.
I Loved you so much.
I did everything to be in good terms.
I was crazy for you baby ...
FINALLY
I understand why'd you leave.
My Feelings for you were deep.
you did not feel nothing for me.
which explains why
you'd leave me alone in the cold
crying, sobbing, hurting.
Explains why You didn't care
if you hurt me.
my feelings did not matter.
you felt no sympathy.
you had zero importance for my emotions.
that's why you'd walk away freely..
I was never anybody to you.
not even with the intimacy did I matter...
you used me.
got tired so youd find ways to leave.
get me off your back to welcome a new female...

I love being high on ****
It doesn’t make me feel Great.
It doesn’t bring me happiness
It doesn’t make me smile & laugh
I don’t feel good on this drug.


I love being on one.
Because I don’t feel , I’m numb.
I love That I View life Differently.
My insecurities Go Away.
My appearance doesn’t matter
I walk happily.
I love that I don’t think about my sadness. I forget about all the sad **** that goes through my head.
I love that I don’t care about not having any accomplishments, I Don’t drive & Havnt graduated.


I love being high on this.
My relationship is Amazing.
I can be next to my lover & completely forget all the heartbreaks.
Everything ****** up I dealt with.

It does not make me feel
Happiness.
I feel happy that I don’t care about the reality of my life when I’m on .

Sooner or later .
Yes, your finally RIGHT.
What’d you assume?
That’d I’d be dumb forever.
Eventually I’d Start
Opening my eyes .
Viewing Reality
In all different sides.

Did it not ever
Occur to your lil mind?
That one day I’ll be tired
Of chasing your heart,
Just to Play another game of your
“I’m sorry, I’ll change”

It was a process.
To reach this top mountain.
Dealing with my reality
the problems i avoided coming
all back at once.
Catching up with life.
Carrying Heavy weight
Of Drug Abuse.
hate, pain, sadness.
Hopeless & unworthy
Beliefs.
Being let down by the one
who committed to Forever Protect
and care for my heart.

Years of Tears
Finally Took its Told.
Constantly crying & still
being left alone.
Always abandoning me
Leaving without notice.
Many of those escapes
You came back with something
for me to feel less worthy.
Betrayal , A lie.
Truths have always made there
ways back to me,
Of your fun nights.

To be continued ..

I’m sorry
I couldn’t Stay dedicated.
Couldn’t get off drugs completely.
I’m sorry
My Drug use impacted
My present with you.
That I couldn’t manage to Keep my problem just to myself.

Knowing What I became
Brings a lot of disgust to your face.
The last thing you ever imagined..
Was to end up with a druggie.
I’m sorry
You were cursed & Brought the opposite of what you desired.
I know I’m far off
Your Type & what your
attracted to.
Im so sorry.

I feel bad because
You never made yourself aware.
I wish to go back in time
& Explain to you What Being an addict was & How difficult I’d become Once I’d get sober.
How my mind won’t function accordingly, how much of a mess I turned into.
I wish to go back & Explain well to where you’d back off me.
You never Expected
That my problem was really going to be a big deal ..

I know You wish to have
Been Inlove with a previous girl.
I know you’d wish
Your 1st love turned out to be
The one you’d marry.
I’m so sorry you ended up
With A terrible downgrade.

I’m deeply sorry
For not being stronger.
I held strong Through all your insults & Hurtful things
You’d tell me,
I held strong when I
was just your toy
Being told
“we will never be anything”
I held strong through all the rain & thunder you put me through before we got together.

I assumed
Being your girlfriend
Would change Everything.
We’d start fresh & be
happily Inlove.

That’d I’d be able to let go
Of all the hurt & move on
Having a strong loving
bond with you.

We Then Got Together
I even committed to
forever leave drugs.
Because I was serious on making us work & leaving behind all things that Made us impossible.
A new chapter
Filled with smiles & laughter
A fresh start.

So I had thought.
Little Had I known
Getting together
Wasn’t the answer to
Anything.

My Heart is broke,
I glued the pieces back together.
Then it happened again,
Once more I glue the fallen pieces.

My love
still goes on for him.
No matter his destruction.

His wrongs stay unspoken.
My bucket filled of tears
is always left unnoticed.

No matter the storm
I hang on tight.
Made a commitment
To loving him long .

It’s hard.
Balancing out the lows
Leveling out the highs.
puzzling everything
To make all his
Broken promises
Appear right.

It’s been a journey ,
A troubled trail
Interfered Within my own life.
It’s been chaotic,

Seeing where I’m
Stepping now ?
Has me empty handed.
Putting all my time
& energy into this
Tornado I call love ..

Tired of the *******.
**** it I ain’t About to
deal with ****.
Yeah like that
1 line , 1 Puf, 1 shot
Im aight.
**** the ***** who played me.
Tf am I still caring ?
His feelings ? Nah **** them!
He never cared about me.
I’m still poisoning my body to forget the pain he gave me ?
To get High even more to hold back from telling him to protect his feelings?
I’m tired of being blamed !
Ive been nothing but good to him!
I’m a ***** now because I stand up for myself.

I don’t have to deal with ****.
He’s mad I relapsed?
Complains I Trip to much.
Talks me down for all my wrongs .
Makes me feel
hopeless & worthless
Thinking I’m a real ***** & treat him wrong .?
Wants *** but never gives me to true love?
Takes me for granted!
Takes advantage!

**** ALL THAT
YUP
JUST LIKE THAT
Some rocks & Its Gone.
Oh he’s mad ?
Oh he’s Showing anger?
Oh he’s Really feeling some type of way but never cares about
my feelings ?

Rack up shoot up smoke up
**** , I no longer give a ****.
The more I use ?
The less il fuse over anything that has to do with you.
I won’t give a **** about you anymore!!!
Wanna cheat? **** a ***** ?
Go for it darling ,
Il just tweak.

.

Im A fool.
I Dedicated my life
To some one Who Never showed me a reason Why.
I Gave Up My life
To A person Who Didn’t ever make me feel alive.

I Gave myself To Some one Who wasn’t meant for me.
I Lured A person who was clear they were never going to make me feel Like in movies.

I was Giving
My Kindness to someone
Who never was kind .
I Was Giving the best of me to a person who just
constantly hurt me.

I Chose Their Comfort & Wellness .
To someone who didn’t care if I was uncomfortable.
As long as they were.
But they checked to make Sure others were settled ok ..

I always have time for them. Even if I’m busy , I make time. I’m always available for their presence & Look forward to whatever they want to do .
Because they are important to me & I want them to see.
I’m There For whatever.

For someone who’s Always tired , Stressed , has no time , Too busy When it Comes To me.
My interests are always rejected.  They then get Angry Telling me I don’t care or understand how tired they are from working so hard all day. Who call me selfish for not thinking about them and things they do. I Can’t conversate with them because they want to sleep .

I Showed my Sweetest image to impress someone who never made me feel Worthy Of anything.

I Gave all my time to someone who Gave me Left over time.
I put Him first
When I was Put last.
I canceled my plans To spend time when he Wanted.
I was His last choice when he’s plans got canceled.

He pleased people
Never Mattered to please me.
He chose others feelings
Never caring if it hurt mines.
Gave attention to others
Making sure to stay in good terms.
Never payed attention to my Overall Happiness or cared to know if I was good ...

I stay home all day
Waiting to see him .
I have to cancel invitations if not he accuses me of never thinking of him.


He Works all day.
If Something pops I’m ditched without notice.
He goes m.i.a
When he pleases
He never explains his disappearance.

I Aruge over hurtful actions he’s caused. To him it’s nonstop **** talking. Always ignored , Left Unsolved.
My feelings remain hurt .

He argues over Me Constantly Bringing **** up.
Saying he feels hurt because I constantly run my mouth .
Refers me as so ******
Because I can’t let his betrayal go .
I’m forced to change.
From making him feel angry
To Pleasing him to be happy again.

You once told me.
'Not everyone thinks like you'
An honest poem

I always wondered
why you would leave?
why you debated to walk away.
you were not the one suffering?
my mind thought and concluded.
I'm The one that's ignored.
I'm the one who is treated like whatever.
I am the one in love with you..
My Heart was the only aching.
Reminded that we will never be anything.
NO HOPE, NEVER AN US
You repeatedly harshly.
I Remember sitting so happily with my crush.
I felt so special
those couple minutes we'd spend.
those precious seconds you got a feel.
the advantage you took.
I Always wondered why you
doubted our friendship.
I was never doing you wrong.
I sit, listened and obeyed.
ive never disrespected or offended you.
I wouldn't dare, I was sprung.
which is why I didn't take your actions so hard.
throughout the time I was not using to avoid.
without notice, the pain you brought disappeared.
I did not purposely get high to forget.
that was after we were already friends.
I always wondered what I did wrong.
to have you distance yourself.....
what mistakes was I making?
not only that ..
I was broken by the ease you had to cut me off..
Here I am pleasing a boy I love.
for that boy to shoo me off ...
I loved you dearly.
I walked many dark allys  
shed tons of tears
for you to tell me bye?........

I no longer relapse
I binge & I can’t stop.
I’ve lost control,
Not all but some .
I’ve binged 9 Times.
Since August 2017.
3-4 Clean gap in between.
Then I fall back.
When withdrawals leave.
When I’ve catched up on sleep.
Consumed Nutrients & protein .
My mind & body then Start up.
To crave & fein.

After every Fall
Somethings change.
My minds begun to go insane.