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caroline Sep 2019
i tried to wake you up. to hold me since it hurts. i’m not mad you didn’t wake up, i just wish you had. to tell me the reasons i don’t have to go and the reasons i should stay. i’m so tired of feeling this way and wondering when we will be better. time. that’s what heals and that’s what breaks. but i think it’s doing both for us. my mind is going crazy with thoughts of running away. i wish you wanted to too. from each other. maybe you could work the job you want. the night and weekend one. maybe you could meet with your classmate and not worry about me. maybe you could make new friends and do things without me. maybe. just maybe. i’m left here alone. to wonder if things will ever get better or if my forever looks like sleeping alone. i know you’re tired but i wish you’d wake up, because nights like this are getting really tough. i miss being happy. i miss feeling like this is it. lately all i wonder is is this it? silent car rides and sleepless nights. six months of waiting just to do this every night. for the rest of our lives. i think we could be happy even if it meant not with each other. i know that living this way isn’t how it’s meant to be and i know it’s always been, since we were so young, just you and just me. but i always make you mad and you can never do anything right. right? we have good days but they’re mostly when we are apart. so it’s hard to not feel like maybe we should be apart. i love you with all of me and i just wish you’d wake up... i wish you’d wake up and tell me it’s going to be okay. but when you wake up it’ll be a new day and there’s no time to slow down for yesterday, today. i wish you’d wake up.
caroline Sep 2019
Whenever things get this way I always wonder if this could be my life forever. Sometimes when things get this way I wish I would’ve left long ago. Sometimes I wish I would’ve never looked back. But I did and this my life now. When I signed the contract of her and I, I agreed for silent car rides when things get tough. My friend tells me it’s just a bad day, that it won’t always be this way, but how many bad days do you have to have before they’re good. How many bad days, weeks, months, do you have to get past before you can start believing that you’re capable of having good days. Together. I remember every day with her used to be the best. Used to be. It’s not that way anymore. If we are being honest, I don’t remember a day where I didn’t find myself sad at the end of it. Sad and wishing my life was a different way. I love her after ***. She loves me more. They say the chemicals released when you have *** with someone is what attaches the soul. I believe that. Because I’ve asked her to have kids with me before. Sometimes my best days are not with her. I enjoy those days. Away. A w a y. I enjoy the days when from morning to night time I have no one to fight against but myself. I miss the days of myself and I. I miss the days when I didn’t think twice about her. I miss the days when I didn’t wonder what she was up to. I won’t share this with anyone, because to everyone we are happy. Maybe even to her. But it’s hard to always pretend, even to her. But sometimes I hurt too. I hurt remembering the times she hurt me and I wonder. Why do I. Settle. Accept. Disregard. Allow. I wonder. I don’t question it but I wonder. I’m afraid if I question it I’ll realize I have no one to blame but me. I don’t. I do. She said we are all toxic and I believe that. Because she can be. Is. I remember girl who won’t be named told her I was. Maybe I was. Am. I know I can be good. I have been before. To her. To others. To myself. I miss myself. I miss who I was before she came in. I miss myself now that’s she’s here. Six more months. Until what? This every day. Because it’s just a bad day but what if this is it? Some days I think it will be this way forever. Some days I think we will always secretly hate one another. Because I’ve slept with someone else and she’s spent more late nights with girl who won’t be named than she can stand to spend with me. I wish she felt it too. The urge to run away. To leave. I used to think she was my better half. Used to. I miss being happy. I miss feeling okay. I miss loving myself. I miss feeling wanted. Broken. Confused. No mirrors. Big *******. The hard stuff isn’t inaccessible because I live it every day. My life is the hard stuff when it comes to her and I. I wish she knew that sometimes. For better or worse but are you okay with most days being the worst? Can you handle that. Forever. Silent car rides for the rest of your life. I do.
  Jan 2019 caroline
Gaby Comprés
i wonder
what will be the cause of heartbreak?
what will make you leave?
will i make you leave?
who will leave?
i know
one of us will.
i already know
i will
not save anything for myself
(i know i should)
but i will not
i will
not even try.
i will
give you everything—
my heart, my bones, my time,
my shoulders and hands and collarbone
and all of my firsts.
i will
write you poems, tuck them in your hair
i will
whisper you my love in the night.
i wonder
about your eyes
how will they see me?
what color are they?
what will it take from me to make them dance?
i know
i will love you long after you’re gone
ours will be the story
i will tell my children
i know
i will forgive you and let you go,
remember you more times than i should,
write you poems you will never read.
written after reading Rebecca Hazelton’s ‘you are the penultimate love of my life’.
  Jun 2018 caroline
though, so incredibly hard to say,
i think i killed myself today.

no, it wasn't the gun i thought it would be,
and it wasn't the pills i bought to be free.

it wasn't the candles or the gasoline,
it wasn't the running into a limousine.

i think it was me in my bed so late,
unwilling to behold my fate.

my eyes slipped shut and they haven't opened yet.
but that would be lucky, and i'm alive, i bet.

just wait until tomorrow, maybe we'll see
what i can really do to me.
i think i give up.
  Apr 2018 caroline
Gaby Comprés
there is so much of you here.
in me.
my skin
holds your touch.
your fingerprints are mine.
my eyes
are the color of every coffee we shared.
my lips
have learned to move like yours
my words
rhyme with your own.
do not wonder if you left any traces.
i carry them all.
caroline Apr 2018
i hate that when i miss you
you’re always there
but what i hate most
is that i love it
caroline Apr 2018
i can’t stop thinking about your hands
i can’t stop thinking about them
gripping my face
my hips
i can’t stop thinking about your lips
i can’t stop thinking about them
colliding with mine
finding their way on my neck
i can’t stop thinking about your fingers
i can’t stop thinking about them
intertwined with mine
drawing imaginary words across my chest
i can’t stop thinking about your arms
i can’t stop thinking about them
pulling me in while you slept
never being there when i woke up
i don’t love you
i never did
but i can’t stop thinking about you
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