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Julian Sep 2020
I famigerate without taciturn timidity the straits of a straightened jury-rig of nesiote narrowbacks harping the accordion zest and zeal of the plenilune consuetude of a scrivello infamy sprung into the rows of rip-tide acclaim hamstrung by the decline in fastidious upkeep of the timberlask vesicles that avoid the phenakism of prismatic reformation fundamental to transmogrified simpers of dismal saturnine darkness encroaching on the parallax of realms within the dominion of the Almighty for the omniety of the usucaption of the fruitful prune in the priggish afterglow of a noontide eclipse bereaved of whispering retreat in the hallowed wasms of stiltanimity becoming an entreaty to ecumenical barbs of propriety selected without intimacy to folksy bibliopolists but rugged in sterling tribute to the true vine of the appointed ways of sacerdotal triage among a roughshod vanity of a derelict world marveling at otiose rejoinder rather than true spasms of tragedy flickering in the recessive alleles of a careworn culture. The travesty of Beirut is the bromide of current leapfrogs of sentinel lust and malapert destruction forming an ironclad camaraderie with chocolate-box langlauf disasters wed uxoriously to the penury of the brackish version of the catadromous bailiwick of despotic nescience pregnant with sophrosyne redemption at the cusp of a plaid perfunctory quip of quisling intimations of the sketchy provenance of humdingers of comestion lurking in the plodding prowl of a ribald wiseacre of a beckoned billow of trinkochre welded into a conscientious blarney that awaits the popinjays that sculpt brittle redshort fictions into awakened carapaces of a limacine reduction of impoverished fulmination into the neatly sworn footprints of a geotaxis shuddering with magnetism only in spectacle without the overhailing zeal of vintners who specialize in curtailed wine drawn from Caiaphas and soaked with the muddy turgid Siloam as avenues toward the repentance of asunder becoming marginalized as a whimper of taciturn choleric war receding not even into an audible delope as the masterful chryselephantine assault of cryptic auditions in the theater of effete refuge sink into the pelagic oblivion of a remarkable blister festering into inconsequence as the rebarbative emoluments to tattered travesty hearken a battle-cry yet emanated in the reprehensible bulwark of the gerendum of a poised plastered humility aggrieved with such friction turgid on rollicking magpiety that even the larceny of brutish renegades of triumph sink beneath the brevity of accident rather than the fortitude of globalized turpitude weakened by the improper demarche of fuliginous homeless depredation of innocent bystanders flocking to the harvest of war found in insight rather than the perfunctory bromidrosis of the macroscian enmity of hidden maleficence spawning a credenda that is spayed on arrival in the faineant zoolatry of a spelunkers’ madcap dash to flex the filigrees of turmoil in resentment of the amicable truces of a God who never tempts and a lurking lie that never itches for trigger-happy hapless rebukes because the skittish skirmish of futilitarian repose is a scoundrel of the profligacy of errant weakness blinkered by the humdrum din of deafening semaphores of provocative thornbush on the threshing floor of cowardly imposture president of all affairs of spirit and all renegades of caitiff megalography of forgotten oblivion despite the curglaff of vindictive and never vindicated assaults on the integrity of the birthright of Lebanon to wager a presumptive gamble of trifling retribution for the alacrity of suspicions eloping with forbidden mistresses in the humdingers of flackey rather than the troudasque harbinger of a lunacy impugned by a restive triumphant fallow time seasonable for a litany of pretenses demassified for a liturgy of seances with eldritch commiseration in the saw-toothed serration of selachostomous bravado wielded by likely or unlikely culprits of ravenous ruin shepherded by the guilty cardinal sins of the complicity of explosive vanity marauding on the ruins of a fortress debased by pettifoggery of internal excuse rather than the wrath of provocative ire in the irksome cauterized wounds of the inured to deliver spectacular reticence despite such grievous diacope. Evil gilderoys of maleficence carve the sapwood of the periphery to aimless subversions miscarried by the modern atrocity of glamour memorialized as a sound-byte underminnow of a roaring rhombos rip tide as stocks wavy at the curvature of edgy demarche despoil the denuded wasteland of cultural despondency a wagtail to the impudence of famigerated affronts that deserve a sterling recompense wielded by the onerous and operose burdens of a prone decubitus of aboriginal bread seeded from Heavenly realms dissipating into the roars of blinded conflagration too meek to even exist on the ramshackle hillside of a barnstorm of aggression powerless to encapsulate the nexility of unspoken allegiance to destruction rather than the halidom of consecrated marriages balking at the caulked provisions of a slugabed monolith of craven capers on the recesses of abeyance in the interregnum of a time where famous people communicate with me. How can such a charismatic bravado of lurking presidency stoop to the denizens of usufruct in licentious latitudes on the outskirts of consideration even pretend anymore that the vacuum of effluvium (Gal 6:7) can be mocked and milked into the row of centuries blistering through the calenture of apprisal and heaved awakening as the zephyrs of the Occident meet temporal juncture with the coenesthesia of a hibernating trumpery formed by the turnverein of listless lethargy billowing through fumiducts of siphoned lavaderos of hypogeiody that the underground spasms of cacophony could marvel at the historic emergence of a magnate with the most powerful magnetism of God shepherding the true flock John 10:27 because he is willing to be the good shepherd and potentially die for his sheep John 10:11. Remember, whenever you hear a Queer Studies Radical Feminist bloviate on emasculated sardanapalian posture John 8:44 and even though personified as a masculine titan of bulwarks of immense otiose wilted inkburch shielding the world from true meaning, the maskirovka of the Devil is present in the dark trespasses of personal abandon among the wilderness of many marsupial jackals of martles wagtails to an invictive proclamation of invulnerable sappy sopanaceous filibusters against hefty sinew forged the bony fragments of the charnels lost to brief epitaphs never mourned in threnodies worthy of remembrance that the departed died with us and live again through us whether in Heaven as participant or on Earth as an acting battalion of the skullduggery of the mystique of shimmers of God acting on Man’s behalf 1 Col 1:15-16. That the firstborn of all creation obtains supremacy through the finalisms that I seek as the captain of trailblazing untrammeled roads we are reminded of the narrow and wide gates expanded by the explosion of thought that trespasses into the hidebound ratchet of a reasonable bleat becoming a harsh outcry of justice for Lebanon that they feel so powerless in implosion what could aggrieve potentate civilizations to the precipice of global maleficence in destruction. Swarming for alveolate hominid hominism as an outgrowth of alienation by design polarized spectral dangles at jaundice flamestun by the ordeal of oppositive barnacles to the chryselephantine habituation of a masked menace of Procrustean authority to muzzle the free license of armamentariums of a latent man keen to the kenspeckel visibilia that we might have punctuation in the poised primiparas of a hearkened unprecedented in modern history that the traipse of lapse is no longer the tenure of mindless calculation of authoritarian gabble sentries of a mobilized fleet of embodied human ignorance but a foisted sprite of whangams of apothegm that deserve in their gnomic respite from the phenakisms of a philogeant kumbaya assertive in its treony of radical compassion for those who dwell in tentpoles of revelry bound not to the covenant that sent us into light and sparkling in hidden obsolescence that the fulgurant words of Mount Horeb (Sinai) are both immaculate and without trace of sin because Acts 17:30 declares a powerful truth lost to the twinges of time that issued peremptory governance of my theology but through remission I admit the grievances of septiferous blockades of ponderous plodding nescience haunting the spectral aubades of paeans to a high-flown sun darting through galactic space apace of the velivolant sails of divine wind that come in the spree of recompense authored by the vines to which all roots belong rhizogenic and immutable because the demarches of time forget the marches against the cauterized grime of new-world suspicions of aleatory fickle gubernatorial proclamations that issue reverb more than sprinkle flanged atrocity in the sight of the holy ramparts of an active double-edged God who reminds us of our many witnesses but provides not a single latchkey of escapism resident to many hapless homes of the drunken sing-song rhapsody nullifying the psychotaxis of the motatory miserly Draconian charades of Leviathan grasping the tridents of warp-speed revisionism in a benighted world overrun by mandarist fictions that fumigate a pasteurized control of cultural malcontent in situations of dearth infested by the concentration camps of China that remain unheralded in brumal and brutish indoctrination spared from worldwide outrage by the tribunes that are complicit more in malfeasance than they are celebrated for the herald of heinous bletcherous crimes of abecedarian abligurition anointed in waste rather than refined like unquenched slakes of eternal water so that no man can thirst hungry for the daily bread without returning to the providence of God awakened. Recalcitrant by the impudent quislings of repugnasket flarmeys of advenient flummoxed besieged clairvoyance I bask and beaze on the light that never fades because of the brackish whisk of a barnstorm of allegiance that is contumely to a bromide society listless in inferiority of intellect to my former streaks beyond jejune reiteration of the Jehu mentality against the canine fate of Jezebel and her faltered ministry of ewnastique waged as battalion gore of a trifling musket of an aboriginal swim through the oceanic gaze of peerless eternity squirming because of flagging resolution among the spandrels of incommunicable largesse lolloped extravagantly not just for the spoils of hyped pedigree but also a chamade to Heaven to enlist the purblind vestiges of a crambazzled Earth rejuvenated in adolescent esprit rather than callow eclat against the outrecuidance of whimpered miserly conscientiousness that exists in a shorter frame of reference than the provident dashes through a furlough of time and ancestry to cobble together a lapidary bristling excoriation of the tumescent squabbles of mystique brave enough to rarefy the humid pasteurization of a mannequin kenspeckel still-frame jilt of jostled infamy brusque in its curt envies borne of still-born promenades of a whasper between the youthful ligony and the intrepid soul of a collective warrior debased by the adscititious participant to elegant effronteries of the newfangled intellectual vogue that is the grombang of the tralleyripped hamshackle of ostentation meeting mirrored paralysis in sheepish ewnastique creations meddlesome in their ironic frizz of recursion as I lounge on the habits of creation by intelligent lurches of design that appointed the demarcations of all creatures and the mysterious bridge between the missing links that remain elusive to the flombricks of the misery of epigenetic rhizogenic imparlance of desuetude cringing at foresight littered with the disaster of ravished hindsight blushing at the limpid degeneration of the vapid varnish of benighted ligony rather than heroic strides of stoic-epicurean compromise in the apolaustic pursuit of the one eternal God present in rebellion but never the temptress of mendacity and mendaciloquence because the tug I have on speed is ratifying a cauterized casualty in the spumid betrothed wicked snuffs of extinguished furor for a time beyond barnstormed racloir rugged origination and faulty phenogenesis that escorts mythos into actionable litanies of the awakened breed scoffing at the inkburch of “Electrolytes”-wernaggle that besets the queer fascinations of a warped generation. The pytherian swank of artrench embodied in the recocted rendevation of hypetrophy in hubris swaddled by the reductive dranger polluting the realm of compliant complicant complaints of the ashowel of albatross astroud in the hibernaculum of langlauf rather than the ultramontane fiduciary tether to the estrockentch rather than the laureates of plevisable courage found in truest shades of vinsky not the subhastation of a gaslighted galvanization of purebred classy swivels of opportunism nor the ravenous incubus appetite for usufruct in subversion belongs to the behest of an insular nesiote flexing the flux of subversion as the candid posies of saccharine immodesty become relegated figments of the everlasting age of promised propriety rather than rigid stultimathy of hackencrude virtues of virtuosos that marvel at troudasque wonders occluded by the girlcott of Team Biden and his militarized soldiers of desiccation of trumpery and the faucets unbounded by swanky concealed epithets of regaled rentgourge by a hapless objection of the runic destruction of apothecary leniency becoming of the betokened emblazonry of scrimshank in every perfuncturation but embodiment of character shouldered by every chasm of power erected in demolition of the warped egintoch radicalism of the submerged wernaggles of the hopeless minority swimming with autodimplage few have to bear but the truest flock of God heeds my voice and has the sapience to spare themselves of contumely and invective to hearsay of invictive triumph beyond radioglare swirk to renege the musical providence of the chamades to the asterongue I often take for granted by immunifacient degrees of the foretold encroaching upon the crux of a pivotal and pivoted destiny not distant from cordial providence. The sweedle of epigones for the risctender of obligation to subvert the coryphaeus with the rigmarole of gentincture borrowed from the Gates’ formulaic effleck of perverse warbles of collectivized contrition for abetted cultural pederasty limpid in its achieved objective of the crudenzy borrowed from a lacking impediment to arentrum belonging to the knowledgeable happenstance of the glorified dengonin is a denostram that forestalls the agelasts behind porsters of culture rather than legitimate mainlined contamination of wellsprings of fliction of paranoiac enthusiasm might swim in kinkativy blinkered blind piebald girouettism but never dauntless in sematic entrenchment of robust dilettantism as the swaddled corrugation of time into centripetal ****** against centrifugal modernism that alienates propriety while estranging by vacuous vacuums the outspoken progeny of the surviving age beyond the Jay and Silent Bob travesty that manifests as a glower of menacing Bushian invention to tarnish with ****** mythos the drapes of a defenestrated realism of the flinkers of sheepish indignation against many drakstings of intonorous sclerotic mandibles of crackjaw chockablock annihilation of core precepts and institutions indelible from the face of a quixotic entreaty of a ragged intrusion of ageotropic monoideism above the secular-clerical fidelity of honest witness borne of triumph and tribulation festooning the nativist hyperbole into a useless effigy of mountebank imposture silly in precision and purblind to gallantry. Yet I must kisswonk rather than truckle under such ponderous pretense because of a sertivine certainty in the thickets of prudence rather than the tomfoolery of humgruffin impudence scaffolds me to a post-modern ****** that shanks through prisons of guilt and burrows an interrogation of reality supreme over all complaint that the virtuosity of the Gifted (the elect flock that comprehends my volcanic diatribes against mandarism and stomachs them without sardonic pastorauling insults of passerby vicissitude) will spare many nations of awakened perjury against human instinct in the fitness of nations to denigrate the populist squalor of lurid and livid ewnastique wernaggles of the listless buttress against my formal modesty encouraged in all affairs even in aggrieved humility belonging to intimidation rather than spawned jostles through the rumpus of shunamitism that might rankle a later age.  Yentrified morality is a personal flapdoon against the promiscuous pederasty of freewheeling ophelimity and the lurking narquiddity of the traindeque of donnist hedonism to hijack my psychedelic tolerance into an unwarranted and inadvisable sanction into the netherworld of the frinterans of cultural modality that curdact religion into a cosmetic cosmogony rather than a soldiered infamy becoming a beacon on a towering hill growing in solidarity with the pleonasm of existence itself which surpasses crude formulas that already abide by the riches of decorum too much to be admired as trigger-happy fools run the asylum of domesticated irony and the librettos to downfall rather than the wassails of “The Man” becoming more masculine in featured charisma rather than defiled against Leviticus among others who preach belonging to nuclear creed without fission but for true rapprochement to the fusion of the treony with legitimate gripes of unsung complaint among the masculine minority. The traindeque of a baseline complaint aggrieved by the kilmarge carapace of stiltanimity for the hackencrude resentment of the inkburch of illiteracy is a profligate degeneracy lurid in hyped enmity that the envied entreaty becomes the despotic shadow masquerading in shadows blossoming into the full wisdom of the mature sophrosyne heart eager to pour out blessings upon a conservation of recycled epitaphs becoming hearsay in a rebarbative convolution of redacted rigmarole incendiary to whittled henpecks of political engineering but never vapid in their flagging insistence upon an ecumenical toleration of the brooks of modernity and compromise upon which much felicity is aggrandized and permuted against the spoilsport frinterans who encage a dodgy moralism in wilted etiolated jaunty pedigree that espouses the maudlin grievous and ghastly ghouls and sprites that haunt the fictional hobgoblins of the Potemkin Village that finds usury convenient and perjury even more facile for the glib facetious engineers of modalities of hatred unsung by the ribald witwanton “I got a Solution...You’re a ****…South Carolina What’s Up” crowd that never marvels at ingenuity or rarely attempts it in the summit of the climacteric jaundice of hidebound whemmles of ridicule sparring against spartan flagitious wiseacres of genocide of ideation for the revelry of armed missives denatured by raw promotion of the questionable ethics of a flavork of needed slakes of unquenchable desire swarming us with daily temptresses not of wayward women but the disarmed pretense of a lapidary rejoinder to a long expatiation or harangue against hackencrude curdles of rowboat injustice masquerading as sentinel savory destruction of the towering edifice of proclamation. There is great menace in the casuistry of sophist philogeant philocubists dicey with destiny for mincemeat puppetry against sciamachy for the gallionic rise of gammadions in the craven lore of baseline pasquinade rallied to the insuperable causes of tribal shibboleth anointed by secular totemisms of fracture and fricative hisses of lineage that amount to pleonasms of brassage rather than mystagogical mystique of the prestige of human fraternity that shatters paradigms of creed and invites an honest vestige of Noble Savages to roam the Earth yet again unencumbered by lugubrious welters of misnomer and malapropism wagered by artifices of guileless supremacy that is cursory prima facie neglect of even the sororal duties not of sophomoric glib facetious cowardice of backbited backlash of venom militarized for the desuetude of entertained visagists sculpting *****-nilly their version or verdict of decisive apartheid when we should all rally behind the united frontier of the chosen flock in the chosen generation to truckle beneath the pews not of ignorance aggravated by the polluted kilmarge egintoch puritan barbs against publicity choices I now regret (as an emolument to an incredibly euphoric track with a poor miserly message to the enchanted flock inoculated from such diversions) because alighted upon the quenched thirst of salvation I will be judged more harshly as a teacher James 3:1 than the rest of my flock but gifted with the gratuitous salvation carved from the chiselers of ribald infamy capering around with dacoitage and ladronism of the bomans of unsuspecting quixotic caprice I must reckon with the burden of ghoulish shadows on the spectral imprint of my eternal soul relishing in vicarious splendor yet bereaved of quintessential love 1 Cor 13:4 that is necessary for the nuclear conclamation of vibrant hues of resplendent and refulgent providence necessary not from a dynastic perspective but from an aimed providence that alerts dynamism rather than chides with mimes of useless schadenfreude carved from the prestidigitation of the wicked condemned in Galatians 6:7 for the mockers of sanctanimity accorded upon me as gratuity that no man can boast my elite ears and my astute wonderworks of imagination qualified me for prophecy and among the most mesmerizing prophecies registered to fulfillment that the world has ever yet witnessed because the watershed isn’t a bridgewater for the chavish of ignoramus hatred congealed into thrombosis but the narrowed gate enlarges to encompass the swath of man amenable to the flocks that escort me into permanence rather than regale the tridents of a hedonism that elected me clairvoyant at a cost of immaculate splendor registered to the holy clergy of the Sacred Catholic Church and the broader Ecumenical Endeavor that tries to be a seamstress and bridge elemental divides inherent to divided approaches to liturgy which flex their strengths in times of robust fortitude rather than become a subhastation to the vestiges of the pilgrimage to false tabernacles erected by people cozened into charlatan endeavors by the pernicious and persnickety whiplash of Least Common Denominator subversion of widely heralded sentience and sapience enriching the lot of human ambition rather than stoking useless conflagrations of refracturism accorded to the swallock of primposition of the hackneyed hackencrude that swivels with the odious ornery pretense of overtures not to apertures and lychgates of the true abiding Heaven felt on Earth by many Christians whether in sobriety or not without the evil maleficence of a misguided donnism of narquiddity for the grambazzles of aged recklessness aborning on vacant responsibility that is rickety in its magnanimity of absolution because of the ulterior chase for bottom-line top-dollar oligochrome foisted by the cartels that blind true spiritual insight from ever reaching the magnitude of ambition required to shape mountains of revolution among the tertiary squabbles of a conversant Earth open to the troudasque gallop into yield and cloveryield for repcrevel reforms the paludism of the swamp remains skittish about conforming to because objectivism is a renegade of perspicuous light blinkering in hubris and gourmandizing the hinderbaggle of cosmetic pollutions aggravated by the plevisable articles of envy and TLDR politics to “Electrolyte” logic that is a sad recursive wernaggle of the useless buffoonery of humgruffins of tatterdemalion spate rollicking in the magpiety of a timid consentient faltering myth of unanimity among the beleaguered rainbows of many lugubrious tears showering bickering blasphemy upon the mockery of God for the pleasantry of self-aware sheepish resignation that professes only that any form of meritocracy is existentially unfounded only because the beehive elected its progeny the scepter of the ironclad kingdom that wages war against idolatry and serenades heaven with luxury simultaneously. We are all shepherds of providence and there is power enough in collective prayer that we don’t fiddle around with bodewash in mistaken identity but riddle the persnickety blemish of the fastidious critiques of biting sarcasm as a tantamount blasphemy and a criminal repartee of sardonic cloys of inanity foisted above truth. The peevish breedbates who scour my evidentiary pillar of chiseled vertebrae of unbroken bones of solidarity with oikonisus will be sorely disappointed in their truthful audits of my true perception because in every single case it exonerates me from the pulpit of menacing idiots who scrawl random gabble in attempts to sound smart while reeking of iniquity wrought by the gavels of predevoted inferiority of complexion and attitude that gravitates them to an insensate benumbed transmogrified bailiwick of an appalling atrocity of mythomaniacal myths spurned by consensus among those who prize my grandeur above the superstitions of the illiteracy of the rancid rankle of otiose stupidity writhing its own sheepish envy of arbitrary dislike motivated by feminist aggressors waging warfare on turf I already conquered by swaying the intelligentsia to beckon my cause rather than pillory me on a false scaffold of frinteran abuses of the nyejays of bernacle that junediggle in the taradiddle of the nanciful excoriation of my leaden corpse weighed down by the witchcraft of connivance trayning its own delicate myths while avoiding scrutiny for appalling contumely that deserves an audience more suited for fracklings of treony belonging to the trinkochre of the rising alienation and suicides among perverted gay indoctrination that is a scourge on the planet because it willfully denies with its portentous hibbles the regaled wisdom of the culminated age against renegades of apostasy and for the behemoths of true monumental change that sizzles in savory circles among the vanguard only to alarm the Status Quo hijack of my entire endeavors as a covert crusade to use wrecking-ball fashion tactics to cosmetically incisively and insidiously perform a harprick of surgery upon a blameless countenance only for being a thorn to wragatek wragapole slavery which wages war against universal salvation because it gripes with inkburch and circular pleonasms about the most obvious glaring lies and feasts upon the serrated edge of the capers of hatred that frolic in meadows too skittish to enter the barbarian fortress of my forested residence robust in fortitude and glowering with a menacing contempt for runaround psychobabble that obganiates the obelisk of the moribund crusade to make normative ethics effeminate and to enthrone inviolable women’s speech as supreme to any male objections like the Cristiano Ronaldo accuser that came forth 8 months after #MeToo one of the most dishonest campaigns in modern history enthroned by Hollywood elites in gammerstang insurrection against pay-gap ethics done manipulatively with the sapwood of mendaciloquence like Blasey Ford whose physiognomy reeked of maudlin pretense that was so ornery in how obvious of a maleficence the intrepid Abortion Agenda has over the minds of selfish women who prefer ecbolic second-term abortions to the servile gripes of primiparas building new life rather than tearing down the scaffolds of new generations. Hominism deserves its rise because-in increasing numbers-men are derelicted by society and coerced into vapid tallespin enslavement that ridicules itself with the perjury of soul to the soulless vanity of recursive cycles of benumbed narquiddity found in “****** Hero” among other atrocities littering the human fascination with the hinderbaggle of our polluted age verging on totemic blistering hegemony of a few rotten apples corrupting the vagrant ingenuity of the forgotten champion who ushered in a new era of candor in the attempted interregnum of the United States government because I Am Hollywood got the name correct considering how many memorials there are to me in the movie industry. The junediggles of sc-ha-den-freud-e which is as deliberate of a German pun as JUDEn JuDEN which shows the German language is as farsighted as you can get and why many of my neologisms have a German tinge to them. German is an elegant language with botched syntax but a peerless repertoire of vocabulary and even though I love French, the Germans are smart because their language is smart not just because of petty arguments of pedigree which are specious at best. Being dontolesque with  the zenkidu of rengall nauclatic mythos is an artful degree which accords nominal prestige to licentiates while excorifying the obvious metaphors of sunblind logic that scours the scorched Earth of internet diatribes of sophistry and dethrones the Marcie Biancos of the world “Heterosexuality is officially OVER...K Bye” with her 145 IQ and a Stanford Degree in Queer Studies (A professed atheist by her own Twitter admission) with the warped logic to equate a heterosexual relationship for a woman as ******* to patriarchy. For someone that well-studied in literature she sure is a dumb-*** and I will demolish the syntagma of those that root against me for Status Quo preservation in the official interregnum of Saturdays during the Trump Presidency. We need an official referendum on the ideas of termagant illogical anti-egalitarian poison that derives from a deracinated worldview that doesn’t contextualize how powerful language is at shaping thought because if the entire world were Anglophonic every single country on Earth virtually would see immediate dividends in terms of intellectual creativity and limber with concepts and percepts because it is no accident the most successful empire in History the United Kingdom, was favored because of its shibboleths of Shakespearean creativity draped with flairs of the irreverent while gilded by God to be a majestic commonwealth. England and France monopolized a huge majority of history by no accident because although English might be a slightly keener language the French culture of salons of freewheeling intellectual enlightenment gilded the 17th and 18th centuries into absolution despite the Panglossian epithets of Voltaire who was ironically dissuaded from religion because of the All Saints Day 1755 Lisbon Earthquake and Tsunami. We need to be vigilant against encroachments of perceived shibboleths and more keen on an affirmative meritocracy that favors the poor and blesses the meek in their poverty and inspire ambition among them to join the coteries of refinement in thought sometimes harder to achieve with crackjaw lollops in pleonasmic languages that fail to articulate with nexility or forceful wit the true abstractions that govern the pataphysics of the unknown. Language is so decisive over human thought that it is incumbent upon every language to refine its vocabulary to trayne compendious verbiage and trim the hedges of global reform to invite the curiosity of the age to favor all creeds and languages of Abraham and the diverse progeny of a variegated panoply of majestic feats common to all parlance and capacity beyond just the Anglophonic snare because the world needs not a chicanery of blustering churlish buffoonery but an Almighty respect for the consanguinity of all to God’s blessed creation that he inseminated by his deliberate hands to enrich the world with diversity rather than cleave the world with piecemeal skeumorphs of radical propaganda that opposes the modern and post-modern egalitarian streak. One wrong must be corrected, however, the underrepresentation of Hispanics in the media and in film because this grave error is much more pervasive than the ******* LGBT inclusion narrative because these days the lollygags of fashionista odalisques with Obelisks to Baal get more say over the common decorum than the marginalized bronteum of the  rich and vibrant Latino culture which is squelched by the poverty of media and Hollywood representation. Synectics showcases how a henpecked aim at the synaesthesis of culture congregated around our Almighty Father blessed among the nations who adhere to the progeny of Abraham can be more blessed when working together rather than tribal with nepotism and aristocratic in sustained affronts to the elevation of affirmative meritocracy to the forefront of discussion rather than the froward backlash of benumbed narquiddity because the synallagamatic nature of complexity needs to be devolved with industrious ambition to all cultures and the savory flair of the vogue needs not merely a wednongue fascination with an eventual terminus of crudenzy but a sustained intellectual reformation on all fronts to standardize the English language through Hollywood and the Music Industry so that the dragnets of appeal etch a permanent trace into the engraved souls of the true flock John 10:27 are consecrated in divine purpose to reverse the Babylonian Diaspora of confused and conflated purpose that stunts the raltention of humane course and the proper pataphysical syncrisis of an evolved mundane temperament that transcends the circular traps of circumlocution common to the milquetoast industrial titans who winsomely charm with toady gestures the elitism of a moribund philosophy of intellectual thought delegation to elevate the common rhetoric to reach new pinnacles in both tribune and political gamesmanship because higher standards are required even when they surpass some common understanding so that every ambition becomes a conclave for the goal of human unity solidified by the truth of the kerygma and proclaimed to all creation as the culminated synclastic reformation of the idea of indulgence and the propriety of regaled moderation that appeases the common decorum with a shared vested interest in Latin America especially which is besieged by the cultural tenets of obrogated specialization and denigrated by the common myths of warped phenogenesis which should be debunked as a wasm of hypocrisy limited because its callous tentacles lack the charismatic fulgurant equipment of future generations to bear the operose burdens of a quintessential time of harmony united by the hymns for God by God to appease the sentries in Heaven and the celestial realms that exist for our merriment more than our detriment. The sprauncy have the  frikmag to recognize the spuria of apocryphal heresies that encourage kinship above matriotism and shared fortitude for intellectual valor rather than “*** talk TLDR” hashtags abounding on the turf of the insensate wernaggle of clueless charlatans wiggling through life not because they were borne into slavery but because they choose to be Helicopter Parents of “Baby Shark” rather than token mantelpieces of enlivened culture shimmering with radiation of Gods glory as cemented in Colossians 1:15-16 because the firstborn of all creation lives in some form in the ligature of Christ 1 Cor 12:12 because there are so many talents that exist in our variegated world that the mastery of expertise in dominions of conversant fluency will abet the variegated crops of a draped humanity corrugated on its own ironies for the delicate sizzle of beatific felicity multiplying itself in centupled design over centuries to overcome hinderbaggle while realizing the fictions of some drawflark. The strigine world concedes to this upstart rooster maybe considered a parvenu of dearth but luxuriant in riches boundless to all that draw near to the kerygma of Christ and feast on his daily bread found throughout liturgy because we should listen to people like Cardinal Timothy Dolan who is exceptionally astute (perhaps an understatement) to guide us on a regenerative rather than degenerative pathway towards universal attempts at salvation that broach a new decorum bridged by aliens to select chosen emissaries to bridle the fissions of repartee reserved for the forlorn that balk at ambition rather than relish a new era of seditious determination against the determinist fallacy and for the mental health of those coping with autodimplage and sheepish regrets and persnickety articles of remorse because all the world deserves our consolation and desperate attention rather than the trumpery of the circus masquerade of marauding agitprop which congeals into thrombosis of toxicity as the vast majority of Democrats refuse to even hear Trump speak when he is discussing discursive solutions to enigmatic quagmires,for, if more people listened to Trump they would be disabused by the specious claims of his misogyny and white allegiances because his candor is brilliant and despite the prominent advocacy of Biden who has considerable prestige in my memory, we deserve a bipartisan syncretism that unites the world and unifies the country away from the swerve of salacious mythos and towards a rambunctious magpiety of solidarity against the secular humanism of a defunct piety to Marxist feminism which is a crudenzy among the awakened men around the world increasingly alienated by the hackencrude of wednongue illiteracy even trumpeted by the vanguard as panacea when it is a comestible form of poison. We need visionary unity where there was once toxic divisive balkanization of exclaves of limited foresight clashing with new wave awakening to the persecution of illumination itself for not a rigid hierarchy but a flexible structure of inclusion that adjusts to cultural expectancy and modifies the traindeque that strands many in institutionalized poverty especially in Latin America and India and obviously Africa too. The stegophilists of language should herald the aubade of the chavish of redintegration over the squawk of din of squabbles of internecine redacted revisionism beleaguering our lyceums with toxic agitprop even at the highest institutions of learning who balk often at the recycled auditorium of useful thought because their venal tilt is complicit in squelching freedom of thought and our schools should open early so that zig-zag-zoom politics around feldtrounds who are eagerly outnumbered by the patrons who police thought become agentic not with outspoken treacheries but inseminations of intimation to hint at the spectral mystagogical reality we are all members of despite hurdles that beset the hemiteries of odalisques who seek inertia rather than mobilization. The ribald underminnow of transparency is a carcinogen of the rampant siege of Status Quo coarse hypocrisy for tentative flings with cadged cloyed saturnine professions of the landmines of atrocious miscarriage as I soldier on in the causes of the poor and the forlorn to become enriched by the glory that God delivers with munificence so that all might be enriched by the emanations of the true vine and in distaste of error I rebuke the armada of belittled armamentariums of the cantonment of deep-state breedbates boiling over potboiler frikmag that exists as a transcendent obscurantism flowering in decisive times to warp the contextual footprint of a life served in the service of all the oppressed people as a kind of Moses figure raised by the elite and fighting for the criminally oppressed and the ****** of mediagenic hyperbole is dissatisfied by my glowering spectacles because they dismount from the equipoise of the righteous gallop towards ecumenical solidarity at untimely punctuations of juncture superseding the flictions of frikmag dethroning my righteous valor and provident sanctanimity to prowl like predatory wolves the fathers of the casuistry of mendaciloquence to accentuate the stridor of inopportune squalor of the selachostomous regimes of teetotaler totalitarian freebooters who prevent bootstraps from manufacture as they gradgrind the world into ergonomic insufficiency while I provide a Kamacho-like galvanization to the broader world that favors the consanguinity of all animate sentience to the aboriginal vine of the universe that plays with the toyed cadge of oppositive support but lends credence to a more evolved view than the crudity of encapsulated travesties inserted with jaundice against the lyceum of freedom of thought and the celerity of headless horseman galloping in partial interregnum to crown the strobic stridor of the stiver of the steven of contarianism engineered for walloped ringleaders of the renegades of heresiarch sedition in their odalisque oaths to Pagan dieties carved from the sapwood of gullible Illuminati naivety that professes allegiance to the worst whangam ever invented Baphomet and his faked cronies of ewnastique free-for-all diminutive crags in the renown of dawning light becoming cagey struthious structuralism embedded in sclerotic wasms of the wanhope of a nullified message becoming a sacred creed to the attentive while the lilt of the otiose drawl in serpentine convolution a ribald pleonasm of circular circumlocution that provides locomotive linearity rather than leapfrogged slogmarches into the province of the territorial alignment of kinship against the partisan hollertrap and the stigmatophilia of obsessive persnickety popinjay beadledom the last stronghold of the rickety resistence to this Saturday interregnum which presides over the better part of the intelligentsia if not the common pedestrian parlance because hortatory weights cannot be described in any other way than metagnostic flickers of Yellow Submarine vandalism of a pristine living animation of the humane spirit that prizes the plight of the poor and the blarney and blench of unjust opprobrium faced by the institutionalized bailiwick of flictions of gammadion gallionic posture when in fact they register as seismic entities engraved upon my Christian conscience that strictly welcomes the emigrants to truth from whatever consecrated virtue they originate from because all are capable of the same light and the same compassion of a beatified humanity rather than the relish of deep-state castophrenia which belies its own ribald gay mockery on live TV as not a single twinge of ****** attraction overtakes me in matriotic sardanapalian effrontery of a hollow but sadly hallowed vainglory of the hierodules that bury the coffers of patriotism in a sad LGBTQ graveyard of landmines that demonstrate a complete disregard of the nuclear family and should be decried as an outcry against redefined Christianity bolted to unshakable irrefragable beliefs in the constitution of man and women wed together in one monogamous flesh with the occasional cuddle of close tithes to the ******* of friendship as the slavery of sin in Leviticus 20:13 falls to the wayside because this patriotic lewdness is a vapid fatuous derangement that is a new low for the United States attempt to inoculate China from religious accord with the broader world and should be seen as a Chinese maskirovka worthy of the heaviest disdain and I will disavow America if it continues to bandy the tripwires of Chinese boondoggles under the American banner and pretend its pretense isn’t lagging under its own bletcherous abecedarian elementary fallacy of psychobabble oblivion of dark saturnine brusque termagants of tatterdemalion cloaks of the selfsame illusion of a desperation of China to wreck the United States economy and inseminate Florida, Arizona and Texas especially with the Coronavirus to swing the election in Biden’s favor with or without US Complicity to expedite the course of a virus which sees no resurgence in any other civilized country in the world while the heroic Russians, Germans, Israelis, French, British and true American Christians banish the barristers of bad taste as an acerbic poison on the wellsprings of a flagitious flag I would kneel for in the knells of disgrace if the pompous and completely inoculated missives of Buttigieg ******* continue to roam shepherded by deep state elitism to wreck the opportune moment of religious revival for petty reasons of chryselephantine gambit and gimcrack for institutionalized poverty which my ambition is to heal completely by sacerdotal deeds and consecrated prayers in the Lord whose peace surpasses the temporal despair of senectitude and comforts the grievances of the aggrieved because Galatians 6:7 is no more true than the fatuous display of muscular idiots waving American flags for turpitude rather than flogging very perverse Gay men in the streets which might be a more fitting outcome even though I must remove the plank in my own eyes first to see the irony of the detested. The doytin is no longer misguided by the nanciful derision of the vociferous clangor of the venal Gates mafia militia wrecking ball vaccination Bezos crew in Medina which is a mettle I can’t match when you own every citizen in the world in a few square miles of nesiote territory the denizens of conquest besieging religious sanctity with profane outbursts of corruptible linchpins on the public lynch of the strepsis of periblebsis that vitiates commonwealths of supreme sputtering regimented clairvoyant superlative alabaster wealth of the isangelous protectorate of the supreme God that supervises his careworn flock into the storge against the scourge of prosodemic stigma stained in bleeding heart liberal bathed tears of pseudoautochiria of Jim Morrison glaring in the face of the triads that Killed Him in the French Connection ******* of 71’ that outnumbered his hobohemia of loyal jewish bohemians livid in the rhapsody of nurture rather than enfeebled by the unfurled destiny of the Soul Kitchen he foresaw to his own pitiable demise at probably the hands of strangulation because no autopsy was performed. Although repetitive Transparent is a real anthem for oracular mystagogical transcendence a mandatory hymn for the ryseolagnus of the poetic verve of a new wave swooning the cordial progressive of atmospheric oneness with the primordial vine and the vintners that congregate on populated soil to feed a desolate destitution of synoecy or synaesthesis in the syncretic rhapsody of the subfocal ageotropic plenilune yet saturnine lugubrious toil of those that shovel through the albatross of ewnastique recapitulation to the same tired “Its got what plants crave, it’s got electrolytes” wernaggle of the hopelessly dismal inkburch of illiteracy crawling like a Hyacinth House on a vacant graveyard turf guarding the legionaires of rapid-fire zig-zags through a serpentine curvature of the ligaments of fabricated space warped through prismatic lenses of aperspectival time aspiring for ventriloquial enamored rapture upon Earthly parallax with tapestries of refulgent cascading wandering wonder that meditates its own lucubration with careworn tutelage against the wasms of dying oleaginous swelters of redshort opportunistic vultures swooping with Raven’s claws against the odometer of viewership surpassing records in unspeakable wisdom that crowds out the crambazzle toonardical wreffelaxity of the tiresome nuisance of ornery brawn muscled into a formidable triage in vengeance for Jim Morrison’s scripted eviction from Earth either by poisoned ****** or by  Asphyxiation by the French Connection avenging RFK and the cultural revolutions of 67’ in Haight Ashbury and the widespread percolation of treacheries fathomed to the most obvious degree in showmanship that it bristled as an affront so severe that even the patronage of Paris wasn’t immune to infiltration. His threnodies will always be sung with Triumph that the hallowed day of a monumental soul eluding the darkness of purgatory into the welcoming aborning light of the noontide progeny of eternal ataraxia awaited him in the stagecraft tub of blasphemy bellowing ratcheted warnings that not even the palatine grasp of a potentially divine being was inoculated from the deep dark chasm of nefarious skullduggery for boasting so widely and openly of his professed foresight to glamorous to be hidden as the beacon of virtuosity that galvanized a generation to flout the  futtocks of a keelhauled vision of sanitized purblind mortality that the fear of death rarely crossed the mind of the greatest fearless poet of an entire epoch that we may pray that Jim Morrison feasts in Heaven atoned for his sins and is at peace with God now. The substratose congeniality of marginalia on the outskirts of pederasty in cultural miscarriage owned by hierodules boundless in their lurid debaucheries that they might be remanded for being custodians of hostage to a prolific nescience  reaffirming their dying posture in the extinction of sardanapalian coverthrow of repcrevel camorras of ladronism and dacoitage always cauponate in imbibed throes of lewd AstroTurf outrecuidance glowering at sanctity with a bereaved psychobabble divorced from the purebred empiricism of true giants of industry that are almost insuperable in their extortion that their darkness in deeds of Kobe Bryants assassination do not go unpunished at least in Los Angeles. His untimely death as with many others registered on the Richter Scale because Come Clean perverts from Kansas City wanted San Francisco to win to clean the mops of janitorial revenge of the subturbary rickety foundations of a flailing moral compass so wicked in arbitrage that no subreption undetected would flourish among capernoited vigilantes of poached titanism and illuminism scarring the vestiges of enigmatic encroachment upon untouchables daring the frights of the Living Daylights of scurrilous rebukes so scathing in their menacing depiction of negligent bromides of token sacrilege and scarred sacrifice of a scarecrow example of how the prosodemic scourge of befuddled turgid pristine transmogrified heralds scampered away with pseudoautochiria that afflicted Jimi Hendrix suspiciously as well. My support is behind the justice warriors aggrieved by the Beirut explosion because they deserve a vindictive outcome that quells the quislings of atrocity of the popinjay beadledom of the unspeakable tremors of seismotic popples of unrest warranted in Lebanon the homeland of Keanu Reeves a saint among men for his peerless grace and agraceries of the smog of myth evanescence becoming perdurable swings of the humdingers of berated jaundice becoming the prerogative of the revenge of a city leveled to the ground by suspicious skullduggery and I am surprised they lay dormant for this long in their protracted grievance over the ghoulish frights of one of the most unheralded major events in recent memory. We need to highlight the plight of Lebanon so that world leaders are frightened even of intimidated people tranquilized by terror rather than enlivened by the propriety of redacted rejoinders that serve the ulterior mission of a Titanic bravery that never sinks beneath the sumptuary treacle of grombang grambazzle and supercherie of the supercalendar of poignant repined repose derailing an emolument to ecumenical solidarity. Lets highlight Lebanon as an inexcusable trespass worthy of some mighty reckoning if not a riveted war but at the very least a devastated twinge of outrage.
Chloe Dec 2014
This is not a poem. This is a series of events that has happened in the past months.

Starting with last Summer:
I ****** over 20 people in just 3 months. I was ******* anybody who gave me even a second glance. It was usually random guys on the internet, and one day one of those guys held me down in my own bed and choked me. But that didn't scare me off from doing it again. Every day I had a new person in my bed, and it felt so normal to me considering I have already slept with over 60 guys and I'm only 17. But towards august I started to want a relationship. I found a guy I liked named Brandon and I tried everything to make him like me, but soon as we had ***, he never talked to me again.
At the end of September I was finally getting a little control over myself when I met a guy named Erik. He was 18 and graduated, more accomplished than half the guys I have been with. We talked for a couple weeks and on October 3rd he asked me to be his girlfriend. I laughed so hard and was even a little angry. Why the **** would he want to date me? He knew about my tendency to self harm and he knew I was unstable. He said it was cute when I laughed, and when I finally understood that he was serious, I said yes. That night after he left, I cried for hours. I couldn't help it. All I could think was I did not deserve a nice boy like him. As the days went by, things were great. I wasn't cutting and I had somewhat stable moods. But then bad things started happening again.

In the middle of October, Brandon died in a car crash. The last time I saw him was the day he ****** me. It was raining when he drove me home and I told him to slow down, but he looked at me and said he is the safest driver I could ever meet. But I guess he was wrong because now he is dead and his car is in pieces.

When Brandon died, I felt so ******* guilty. I found out about his death like literally 5 minutes after I finished having *** with Erik. I was starting to get bad in my mind again but I didn't tell anyone.

About a week later, my ******* cat died.

Erik and I had started to argue a lot more by then and on my birthday, October 21, he gave me mono. What a ******* way to celebrate my birthday right. I was throwing up for weeks and unable to eat. This went on until early November when we got some even more ****** up news.
I was pregnant.
They said I would have been 3 or 4 months and based on the dates, the baby probably wasn't Erik's. We fought every single day. He got kicked out of the Navy and suddenly it was all my fault. He said I was selfish for keeping it. I was so excited to have the baby and be a mother, to grow the **** up and move on with my life. The second week of this month I announced that I was pregnant. And yet again, more bad things happened.
The day after I told people, I started bleeding really ******* bad. It hurt more than anything I have ever experienced. I went to the ER and they couldn't give me any direct answers, so I waited 3 days until I went to my OB/GYN. Erik and I sat in the doctors office waiting to be treated, when soon as the doctor walked in he told me I had a miscarriage. I held it together and fought back tears until we started to leave the building. I was crying so ******* hard I couldn't breath. I feel like a part of me has been taken away and I can never get that back. I feel incredibly betrayed by my own body. My heart shattered as Erik had no emotions towards the situation. All he would say is "I'm here for you." or "You can get through this." After the miscarriage, he got put back into the Navy. By the end of the day I started to realize, I am the only one who can feel the pain of this loss, and I am going to be in this constant battle with nobody but myself.
People started to think I lied about the pregnancy because I lost the baby a day after I announced it.

I was a ******* mess for all of last week. I didn't go to school or even get out of bed. I only went to school last Friday, finally starting to feel a bit better, excited to see my best and only friend. But as you probably guessed, that didn't go well as usual.

My best friend got kicked out of school and sent to the alternative one in another town. She was all I had, she was my support system. I was upset about her leaving me and it hurt pretty bad. But I made it through the day and didn't have a complete break down.

The next day, 12/13/14 , was Erik's birthday. We went to Minnesota for shopping and it was actually an overall ok day. When we got back home I checked my Facebook and my entire body froze.

I had known a guy named Ben for about a year, he was the sweetest guy I have ever met. Last winter we were both lonely and desperate to fill some type of void within ourselves. So I guess we thought if we ****** all the time then we might start to feel a little less numb. As the seasons changed and summer approached, we realized that having *** in a cemetery parking lot was far more draining that fulfilling. Ben was the kind of guy who would do anything for anyone. He has been there for me whenever I needed him, no matter the time of day. I just really wish we had stayed friends...

Because the first thing on my Facebook news feed was the announcement of his death. Ben, the guy with a heart of gold, committed suicide. I have cried every night this week. He had told me he was suicidal a few months back, I tried to help but he shut me out and we never saw each other again. I didn't go to the funeral and I regret it more than anything. I should have said good bye. I should have never stopped talking to him.

So far this week I have held it together pretty well. Until today at least. While sitting in class I got a message from my best friend. She told me she wants to die. In august she had tried to **** herself and nearly succeeded. That message just ripped me to shreds.




Everyone is giving up, and there isn't a **** thing I can do to save them.
Rest In Peace, Ben. 12/13/14
Ashly Kocher Oct 2020
I was living my life as normal as possible, during a pandemic, as I could be. Still working everyday and others stayed away. As for me and my husband nothing really has changed as we continued to live day to day.
On Sunday May 10,2020 is Mother’s Day. We sent flowers to Brents Mom in Florida and we delivered flowers to my mom. I messaged all my sisters, sister-in-law’s, and friends. I had some even wish me a Happy Mother’s Day which I always think is odd because I am not a Mom. ( little did I know).
The morning of May 11, 2020 I felt fine but started spotting at which I thought I was just getting my period. We went into work so he could do inventory for the restaurant and I cleaned the pizza oven during that time. We left and had to do some running around and pick up some groceries for dinner that night. We stopped at home for a bit to take a break and I started to have some cramps. Again, thinking it was just my period starting.  
Along we went to the store and it was packed, of course, remember pandemic. Brent made a joke as we drove past one of the spots that had a sign and he said
“ Are you expecting?” Since the sign said for expecting mother’s only. I just laughed and said “yeah don’t think so.” We get home and Brent started to make dinner and I took a shower. As I waited for dinner to get finished I started really have pain and now I am bleeding a little heavier than before. We ate dinner, which was absolutely delicious, I then cleaned up and did the dishes. We sat down to watch Wheel of Fortune and I knew something wasn’t right because now the pain was getting severe. I went to the bathroom to remove my ****** thinking that’s why I was in pain. I was bleeding but nothing terrible. I laid on the couch in hopes that the pain would subside.... boy I was wrong. About a minute later I feel a gush......I immediately sprung off the couch and ran to the bathroom......and here’s where the story gets raw, real and graphic....
As I sat on the toilet and blood is coming out of me.... I still just thought it was my period ( not unusual for me). The pain was increasing immensely from my front all the around to my back. After about 10 minutes of trying to clean myself up I had the thought cross my mind that maybe I was having a miscarriage. I still was in disbelief because it’s been over 10 years we had been trying and being told I most likely can’t get pregnant. So, again, I believe it’s my period. But then, blood, mucus, and blood clots just kept coming out. I yelled for Brent and look in his eyes as my eyes are tearing up and said “ I think I’m having a miscarriage “.  As he stared at me blankly, I think it really hit me, what was happening even though I was completely blacked out emotionally. I knew at that moment what was happening. The pain was so high as my legs were numb from sitting on the toilet for so long. Even though I can’t recall exactly everything that was happening or maybe I just don’t want to remember, there is one thing that we both will never forget. The moment I passed the baby....
Brent has told me the story and even though I don’t fully remember, I subconsciously do. When I passed the baby... I looked at him and said “ And there it is...” it’s heartbreaking, gut wrenching, emotionally draining and exhausting.  Especially since I didn’t know I was pregnant!
“I never got to meet you
Since I was saying goodbye as soon as we met....”
Over the time span of 2 hours I continued bleeding and still having pain. I finally made my way off the toilet and onto the couch to try and relax. I finally felt a little bit of emotions as I started to cry fully
knowing what just happened. Brent asked me if I wanted to sleep in bed or stay on the couch. I said on the couch at first but then said no in bed because I don’t want to be alone. We laid towels down on the bed, had a giant pad on because the bleeding wasn’t going away anytime soon and I tried to calm myself down to fall asleep. After awhile I finally did. Not long but did. I woke up early in the morning and ended up falling asleep on the couch shortly after. Brent called my doctor to make an appointment for me to be seen. I ended up going early afternoon but had to go alone... remember pandemic. Brent ended up going to work since he couldn’t be with me anyway.
As I drive there alone I have so many emotions going through my head. Guilt, anger, sadness, happiness ( yes happiness...I’ll explain later). As I enter the office everything Is just odd... my doctor wanted me to take a pregnancy test just to make sure I really was pregnant. Normally this is an exciting time, anxiously awaiting to see if it’s positive. For me, alone in the doctors office, knowing what had happened hours before, this was anything but excitement. She comes back in confirming I was pregnant and she knew that it is positive that I miscarried.
I was sent for bloodwork for the next two weeks to make sure that my levels were going down and that they would go back to normal. Thankfully they did and I didn’t need surgery. My body did what it had to do successfully.
I finally told my family after I got the first two rounds of bloodwork back confirming my miscarriage and that I was physically ok. That part just ******. It really ******. Everyone thinking I may have good news and I crashed the party with sad news. It was and still is an uphill battle. I felt and still feel like Elsa from frozen singing “ Into the Unknown.”  My emotions are running wild, the blame game was on point, and I didn’t know whether to cry or just smile through everything. My head was fogged. My eyes were silently crying. My heart was hurting. I threw myself back into work a day later. I buried my head in my poetry to escape and get my emotions out. Which has helped me tremendously.
Even though I don’t want to relive what happened, it’s a part of me, of us. I don’t even want to write this but I forced myself to do so because it’s a healing process for me.
Brent has been my backbone and I can’t thank him enough for being an amazing husband and best friend to me. I really don’t know where I’d be without him in my life honestly. It’s been something we’ve both wanted since we had been married and over the past 10 years the chance grew slimmer for us. We had closed the door and sewed up the wounds that it caused for me not being able to become pregnant and start a family together. We had  “accepted ” that it was just going to be us and that’s ok. I had found a poem I wrote back in 2018 and the one line broke me. That one line read...” what If I was pregnant and never knew it...” as if I was telling myself two years later what was going to happen. Freaky to say the least.
It’s now been almost three months and it’s still affecting me everyday. Television, friends, family all announcing their pregnancy, or miscarriage... it’s like a bad dream on repeat. Smiling and saying congratulations but yet deep down inside my anger is unbearable. Is that wrong? Am I selfish? Am I a bad person for having these feelings? What did I do wrong? Why can’t we be happy? It’s ok. It’ll be ok. We’ll be ok. I’ll be ok. The physical pain that I endured is nothing compared to the pain left in my heart. The emptiness. The hole. Our missing piece. It just wasn’t meant to be. That doesn’t mean we will never forget    It just means that it’ll all be ok. If we are blessed to have a baby, it’ll be amazing but if we aren’t... we have one waiting for us up in Heaven with both of our dads taking amazing care of him or her.
Through all this rambling, this has helped me in my hearing process. Reliving my nightmare, yet seeing the positive through the horror.  For one : I am able to get pregnant. It may have not been the right time but it is possible. Two: this has opened my eyes to write poetry more then I was before. Through all my raw emotions that I have come to find out, many others have been through as well.
In conclusion... although this has been a rough point in our lives, we have become so much stronger as a couple ( if that’s even possible). There is hope for us to have a family together and if we are blessed to have one, I will be grateful. Everything happens for a reason and you just have to have faith and strength. To our baby in Heaven.... we will meet you one day and our fathers will hand you over to us when we will finally become a family....
Ashly Kocher Jul 2020
I was living my life as normal as possible, during a pandemic, as I could be. Still working everyday and others stayed away. As for me and my husband nothing really has changed as we continued to live day to day.
On Sunday May 10,2020 is Mother’s Day. We sent flowers to Brents Mom in Florida and we delivered flowers to my mom. I messaged all my sisters, sister-in-law’s, and friends. I had some even wish me a Happy Mother’s Day which I always think is odd because I am not a Mom. ( little did I know).
The morning of May 11, 2020 I felt fine but started spotting at which I thought I was just getting my period. We went into work so he could do inventory for the restaurant and I cleaned the pizza oven during that time. We left and had to do some running around and pick up some groceries for dinner that night. We stopped at home for a bit to take a break and I started to have some cramps. Again, thinking it was just my period starting.  
Along we went to the store and it was packed, of course, remember pandemic. Brent made a joke as we drove past one of the spots that had a sign and he said
“ Are you expecting?” Since the sign said for expecting mother’s only. I just laughed and said “yeah don’t think so.” We get home and Brent started to make dinner and I took a shower. As I waited for dinner to get finished I started really have pain and now I am bleeding a little heavier than before. We ate dinner, which was absolutely delicious, I then cleaned up and did the dishes. We sat down to watch Wheel of Fortune and I knew something wasn’t right because now the pain was getting severe. I went to the bathroom to remove my ****** thinking that’s why I was in pain. I was bleeding but nothing terrible. I laid on the couch in hopes that the pain would subside.... boy I was wrong. About a minute later I feel a gush......I immediately sprung off the couch and ran to the bathroom......and here’s where the story gets raw, real and graphic....
As I sat on the toilet and blood is coming out of me.... I still just thought it was my period ( not unusual for me). The pain was increasing immensely from my front all the around to my back. After about 10 minutes of trying to clean myself up I had the thought cross my mind that maybe I was having a miscarriage. I still was in disbelief because it’s been over 10 years we had been trying and being told I most likely can’t get pregnant. So, again, I believe it’s my period. But then, blood, mucus, and blood clots just kept coming out. I yelled for Brent and look in his eyes as my eyes are tearing up and said “ I think I’m having a miscarriage “.  As he stared at me blankly, I think it really hit me, what was happening even though I was completely blacked out emotionally. I knew at that moment what was happening. The pain was so high as my legs were numb from sitting on the toilet for so long. Even though I can’t recall exactly everything that was happening or maybe I just don’t want to remember, there is one thing that we both will never forget. The moment I passed the baby....
Brent has told me the story and even though I don’t fully remember, I subconsciously do. When I passed the baby... I looked at him and said “ And there it is...” it’s heartbreaking, gut wrenching, emotionally draining and exhausting.  Especially since I didn’t know I was pregnant!
“I never got to meet you
Since I was saying goodbye as soon as we met....”
Over the time span of 2 hours I continued bleeding and still having pain. I finally made my way off the toilet and onto the couch to try and relax. I finally felt a little bit of emotions as I started to cry fully
knowing what just happened. Brent asked me if I wanted to sleep in bed or stay on the couch. I said on the couch at first but then said no in bed because I don’t want to be alone. We laid towels down on the bed, had a giant pad on because the bleeding wasn’t going away anytime soon and I tried to calm myself down to fall asleep. After awhile I finally did. Not long but did. I woke up early in the morning and ended up falling asleep on the couch shortly after. Brent called my doctor to make an appointment for me to be seen. I ended up going early afternoon but had to go alone... remember pandemic. Brent ended up going to work since he couldn’t be with me anyway.
As I drive there alone I have so many emotions going through my head. Guilt, anger, sadness, happiness ( yes happiness...I’ll explain later). As I enter the office everything Is just odd... my doctor wanted me to take a pregnancy test just to make sure I really was pregnant. Normally this is an exciting time, anxiously awaiting to see if it’s positive. For me, alone in the doctors office, knowing what had happened hours before, this was anything but excitement. She comes back in confirming I was pregnant and she knew that it is positive that I miscarried.
I was sent for bloodwork for the next two weeks to make sure that my levels were going down and that they would go back to normal. Thankfully they did and I didn’t need surgery. My body did what it had to do successfully.
I finally told my family after I got the first two rounds of bloodwork back confirming my miscarriage and that I was physically ok. That part just ******. It really ******. Everyone thinking I may have good news and I crashed the party with sad news. It was and still is an uphill battle. I felt and still feel like Elsa from frozen singing “ Into the Unknown.”  My emotions are running wild, the blame game was on point, and I didn’t know whether to cry or just smile through everything. My head was fogged. My eyes were silently crying. My heart was hurting. I threw myself back into work a day later. I buried my head in my poetry to escape and get my emotions out. Which has helped me tremendously.
Even though I don’t want to relive what happened, it’s a part of me, of us. I don’t even want to write this but I forced myself to do so because it’s a healing process for me.
Brent has been my backbone and I can’t thank him enough for being an amazing husband and best friend to me. I really don’t know where I’d be without him in my life honestly. It’s been something we’ve both wanted since we had been married and over the past 10 years the chance grew slimmer for us. We had closed the door and sewed up the wounds that it caused for me not being able to become pregnant and start a family together. We had  “accepted ” that it was just going to be us and that’s ok. I had found a poem I wrote back in 2018 and the one line broke me. That one line read...” what If I was pregnant and never knew it...” as if I was telling myself two years later what was going to happen. Freaky to say the least.
It’s now been almost three months and it’s still affecting me everyday. Television, friends, family all announcing their pregnancy, or miscarriage... it’s like a bad dream on repeat. Smiling and saying congratulations but yet deep down inside my anger is unbearable. Is that wrong? Am I selfish? Am I a bad person for having these feelings? What did I do wrong? Why can’t we be happy? It’s ok. It’ll be ok. We’ll be ok. I’ll be ok. The physical pain that I endured is nothing compared to the pain left in my heart. The emptiness. The hole. Our missing piece. It just wasn’t meant to be. That doesn’t mean we will never forget    It just means that it’ll all be ok. If we are blessed to have a baby, it’ll be amazing but if we aren’t... we have one waiting for us up in Heaven with both of our dads taking amazing care of him or her.
Through all this rambling, this has helped me in my hearing process. Reliving my nightmare, yet seeing the positive through the horror.  For one : I am able to get pregnant. It may have not been the right time but it is possible. Two: this has opened my eyes to write poetry more then I was before. Through all my raw emotions that I have come to find out, many others have been through as well.
In conclusion... although this has been a rough point in our lives, we have become so much stronger as a couple ( if that’s even possible). There is hope for us to have a family together and if we are blessed to have one, I will be grateful. Everything happens for a reason and you just have to have faith and strength. To our baby in Heaven.... we will meet you one day and our fathers will hand you over to us when we will finally become a family....
Reposting this because this really has helped me heal and process exactly what I’ve been through the last three months.
Ashly Kocher Aug 2020
I was living my life as normal as possible, during a pandemic, as I could be. Still working everyday and others stayed away. As for me and my husband nothing really has changed as we continued to live day to day.
On Sunday May 10,2020 is Mother’s Day. We sent flowers to Brents Mom in Florida and we delivered flowers to my mom. I messaged all my sisters, sister-in-law’s, and friends. I had some even wish me a Happy Mother’s Day which I always think is odd because I am not a Mom. ( little did I know).
The morning of May 11, 2020 I felt fine but started spotting at which I thought I was just getting my period. We went into work so he could do inventory for the restaurant and I cleaned the pizza oven during that time. We left and had to do some running around and pick up some groceries for dinner that night. We stopped at home for a bit to take a break and I started to have some cramps. Again, thinking it was just my period starting.  
Along we went to the store and it was packed, of course, remember pandemic. Brent made a joke as we drove past one of the spots that had a sign and he said
“ Are you expecting?” Since the sign said for expecting mother’s only. I just laughed and said “yeah don’t think so.” We get home and Brent started to make dinner and I took a shower. As I waited for dinner to get finished I started really have pain and now I am bleeding a little heavier than before. We ate dinner, which was absolutely delicious, I then cleaned up and did the dishes. We sat down to watch Wheel of Fortune and I knew something wasn’t right because now the pain was getting severe. I went to the bathroom to remove my ****** thinking that’s why I was in pain. I was bleeding but nothing terrible. I laid on the couch in hopes that the pain would subside.... boy I was wrong. About a minute later I feel a gush......I immediately sprung off the couch and ran to the bathroom......and here’s where the story gets raw, real and graphic....
As I sat on the toilet and blood is coming out of me.... I still just thought it was my period ( not unusual for me). The pain was increasing immensely from my front all the around to my back. After about 10 minutes of trying to clean myself up I had the thought cross my mind that maybe I was having a miscarriage. I still was in disbelief because it’s been over 10 years we had been trying and being told I most likely can’t get pregnant. So, again, I believe it’s my period. But then, blood, mucus, and blood clots just kept coming out. I yelled for Brent and look in his eyes as my eyes are tearing up and said “ I think I’m having a miscarriage “.  As he stared at me blankly, I think it really hit me, what was happening even though I was completely blacked out emotionally. I knew at that moment what was happening. The pain was so high as my legs were numb from sitting on the toilet for so long. Even though I can’t recall exactly everything that was happening or maybe I just don’t want to remember, there is one thing that we both will never forget. The moment I passed the baby....
Brent has told me the story and even though I don’t fully remember, I subconsciously do. When I passed the baby... I looked at him and said “ And there it is...” it’s heartbreaking, gut wrenching, emotionally draining and exhausting.  Especially since I didn’t know I was pregnant!
“I never got to meet you
Since I was saying goodbye as soon as we met....”
Over the time span of 2 hours I continued bleeding and still having pain. I finally made my way off the toilet and onto the couch to try and relax. I finally felt a little bit of emotions as I started to cry fully
knowing what just happened. Brent asked me if I wanted to sleep in bed or stay on the couch. I said on the couch at first but then said no in bed because I don’t want to be alone. We laid towels down on the bed, had a giant pad on because the bleeding wasn’t going away anytime soon and I tried to calm myself down to fall asleep. After awhile I finally did. Not long but did. I woke up early in the morning and ended up falling asleep on the couch shortly after. Brent called my doctor to make an appointment for me to be seen. I ended up going early afternoon but had to go alone... remember pandemic. Brent ended up going to work since he couldn’t be with me anyway.
As I drive there alone I have so many emotions going through my head. Guilt, anger, sadness, happiness ( yes happiness...I’ll explain later). As I enter the office everything Is just odd... my doctor wanted me to take a pregnancy test just to make sure I really was pregnant. Normally this is an exciting time, anxiously awaiting to see if it’s positive. For me, alone in the doctors office, knowing what had happened hours before, this was anything but excitement. She comes back in confirming I was pregnant and she knew that it is positive that I miscarried.
I was sent for bloodwork for the next two weeks to make sure that my levels were going down and that they would go back to normal. Thankfully they did and I didn’t need surgery. My body did what it had to do successfully.
I finally told my family after I got the first two rounds of bloodwork back confirming my miscarriage and that I was physically ok. That part just ******. It really ******. Everyone thinking I may have good news and I crashed the party with sad news. It was and still is an uphill battle. I felt and still feel like Elsa from frozen singing “ Into the Unknown.”  My emotions are running wild, the blame game was on point, and I didn’t know whether to cry or just smile through everything. My head was fogged. My eyes were silently crying. My heart was hurting. I threw myself back into work a day later. I buried my head in my poetry to escape and get my emotions out. Which has helped me tremendously.
Even though I don’t want to relive what happened, it’s a part of me, of us. I don’t even want to write this but I forced myself to do so because it’s a healing process for me.
Brent has been my backbone and I can’t thank him enough for being an amazing husband and best friend to me. I really don’t know where I’d be without him in my life honestly. It’s been something we’ve both wanted since we had been married and over the past 10 years the chance grew slimmer for us. We had closed the door and sewed up the wounds that it caused for me not being able to become pregnant and start a family together. We had  “accepted ” that it was just going to be us and that’s ok. I had found a poem I wrote back in 2018 and the one line broke me. That one line read...” what If I was pregnant and never knew it...” as if I was telling myself two years later what was going to happen. Freaky to say the least.
It’s now been almost three months and it’s still affecting me everyday. Television, friends, family all announcing their pregnancy, or miscarriage... it’s like a bad dream on repeat. Smiling and saying congratulations but yet deep down inside my anger is unbearable. Is that wrong? Am I selfish? Am I a bad person for having these feelings? What did I do wrong? Why can’t we be happy? It’s ok. It’ll be ok. We’ll be ok. I’ll be ok. The physical pain that I endured is nothing compared to the pain left in my heart. The emptiness. The hole. Our missing piece. It just wasn’t meant to be. That doesn’t mean we will never forget    It just means that it’ll all be ok. If we are blessed to have a baby, it’ll be amazing but if we aren’t... we have one waiting for us up in Heaven with both of our dads taking amazing care of him or her.
Through all this rambling, this has helped me in my hearing process. Reliving my nightmare, yet seeing the positive through the horror.  For one : I am able to get pregnant. It may have not been the right time but it is possible. Two: this has opened my eyes to write poetry more then I was before. Through all my raw emotions that I have come to find out, many others have been through as well.
In conclusion... although this has been a rough point in our lives, we have become so much stronger as a couple ( if that’s even possible). There is hope for us to have a family together and if we are blessed to have one, I will be grateful. Everything happens for a reason and you just have to have faith and strength. To our baby in Heaven.... we will meet you one day and our fathers will hand you over to us when we will finally become a family....
Reposting this because this really has helped me heal and process exactly what I’ve been through the last almost 4 months.
Ashly Kocher Jul 2020
I was living my life as normal as possible, during a pandemic, as I could be. Still working everyday and others stayed away. As for me and my husband nothing really has changed as we continued to live day to day.
On Sunday May 10,2020 is Mother’s Day. We sent flowers to Brents Mom in Florida and we delivered flowers to my mom. I messaged all my sisters, sister-in-law’s, and friends. I had some even wish me a Happy Mother’s Day which I always think is odd because I am not a Mom. ( little did I know).
The morning of May 11, 2020 I felt fine but started spotting at which I thought I was just getting my period. We went into work so he could do inventory for the restaurant and I cleaned the pizza oven during that time. We left and had to do some running around and pick up some groceries for dinner that night. We stopped at home for a bit to take a break and I started to have some cramps. Again, thinking it was just my period starting.  
Along we went to the store and it was packed, of course, remember pandemic. Brent made a joke as we drove past one of the spots that had a sign and he said
“ Are you expecting?” Since the sign said for expecting mother’s only. I just laughed and said “yeah don’t think so.” We get home and Brent started to make dinner and I took a shower. As I waited for dinner to get finished I started really have pain and now I am bleeding a little heavier than before. We ate dinner, which was absolutely delicious, I then cleaned up and did the dishes. We sat down to watch Wheel of Fortune and I knew something wasn’t right because now the pain was getting severe. I went to the bathroom to remove my ****** thinking that’s why I was in pain. I was bleeding but nothing terrible. I laid on the couch in hopes that the pain would subside.... boy I was wrong. About a minute later I feel a gush......I immediately sprung off the couch and ran to the bathroom......and here’s where the story gets raw, real and graphic....
As I sat on the toilet and blood is coming out of me.... I still just thought it was my period ( not unusual for me). The pain was increasing immensely from my front all the around to my back. After about 10 minutes of trying to clean myself up I had the thought cross my mind that maybe I was having a miscarriage. I still was in disbelief because it’s been over 10 years we had been trying and being told I most likely can’t get pregnant. So, again, I believe it’s my period. But then, blood, mucus, and blood clots just kept coming out. I yelled for Brent and look in his eyes as my eyes are tearing up and said “ I think I’m having a miscarriage “.  As he stared at me blankly, I think it really hit me, what was happening even though I was completely blacked out emotionally. I knew at that moment what was happening. The pain was so high as my legs were numb from sitting on the toilet for so long. Even though I can’t recall exactly everything that was happening or maybe I just don’t want to remember, there is one thing that we both will never forget. The moment I passed the baby....
Brent has told me the story and even though I don’t fully remember, I subconsciously do. When I passed the baby... I looked at him and said “ And there it is...” it’s heartbreaking, gut wrenching, emotionally draining and exhausting.  Especially since I didn’t know I was pregnant!
“I never got to meet you
Since I was saying goodbye as soon as we met....”
Over the time span of 2 hours I continued bleeding and still having pain. I finally made my way off the toilet and onto the couch to try and relax. I finally felt a little bit of emotions as I started to cry fully
knowing what just happened. Brent asked me if I wanted to sleep in bed or stay on the couch. I said on the couch at first but then said no in bed because I don’t want to be alone. We laid towels down on the bed, had a giant pad on because the bleeding wasn’t going away anytime soon and I tried to calm myself down to fall asleep. After awhile I finally did. Not long but did. I woke up early in the morning and ended up falling asleep on the couch shortly after. Brent called doctor to make an appointment for me to be seen. I ended up going early afternoon but had to go alone... remember pandemic. Brent ended up going to work since he couldn’t be with me anyway.
As I drive there alone I have so many emotions going through my head. Guilt, anger, sadness, happiness ( yes happiness...I’ll explain later). As I enter the office everything Is just odd... my doctor wanted me to take a pregnancy test just to make sure I really was pregnant. Normally this is an exciting time, anxiously awaiting to see if it’s positive. For me, alone in the doctors office, knowing what had happened hours before, this was anything but excitement. She comes back in confirming I was pregnant and she knew that it is positive that I miscarried.
I was sent for bloodwork for the next two weeks to make sure that my levels were going down and that they would go back to normal. Thankfully they did and I didn’t need surgery. My body did what it had to do successfully.
I finally told my family after I got the first two rounds of bloodwork back confirming my miscarriage and that I was physically ok. That part just ******. It really ******. Everyone thinking I may have good news and I crashed the party with sad news. It was and still is an uphill battle. I felt and still feel like Elsa from frozen singing “ Into the Unknown.”  My emotions are running wild, the blame game was on point, and I didn’t know whether to cry or just smile through everything. My head was fogged. My eyes were silently crying. My heart was hurting. I threw myself back into work a day later. I buried my head in my poetry to escape and get my emotions out. Which has helped me tremendously.
Even though I don’t want to relive what happened, it’s a part of me, of us. I don’t even want to write this but I forced myself to do so because it’s a healing process for me.
Brent has been my backbone and I can’t thank him enough for being an amazing husband and best friend to me. I really don’t know where I’d be without him in my life honestly. It’s been something we’ve both wanted since we had been married and over the past 10 years the chance grew slimmer for us. We had closed the door and sewed up the wounds that it caused for me not being able to become pregnant and start a family together. We had  “accepting” that it was just going to be us and that’s ok. I had found a poem I wrote back in 2018 and the one line broke me. That one line read...” what If I was pregnant and never knew it...” as if I was telling myself two years later what was going to happen. Freaky to say the least.
It’s now been almost three months and it’s still affecting me everyday. Television, friends, family all announcing their pregnancy, or miscarriage... it’s like a bad dream on repeat. Smiling and saying congratulations but yet deep down inside my anger is unbearable. Is that wrong? Am I selfish? Am I a bad person for having these feelings? What did I do wrong? Why can’t we be happy? It’s ok. It’ll be ok. We’ll be ok. I’ll be ok. The physical pain that I endured is nothing compared to the pain left in my heart. The emptiness. The hole. Our missing piece. It just wasn’t meant to be. That doesn’t mean we will never forget    It just means that it’ll all be ok. If we are blessed to have a baby, it’ll be amazing but if we aren’t... we have one waiting for us up in Heaven with both of our dads taking amazing care of him or her.
Through all this rambling, this has helped me in my hearing process. Reliving my nightmare, yet seeing the positive through the horror.  For one : I am able to get pregnant. It may have not been the right time but it is possible. Two: this has opened my eyes to write poetry more then I was before. Through all my raw emotions that I have come to find out, many others have been through as well.
In conclusion... although this has been a rough point in our lives, we have become so much stronger as a couple ( if that’s even possible). There is hope for us to have a family together and if we are blessed to have one, I will be grateful. Everything happens for a reason and you just have to have faith and strength. To our baby in Heaven.... we will finally meet you one day and our fathers will hand you over to us when we will finally become a family....
My story in my own words from
Days before, during and days and months after....
Ashly Kocher Feb 2021
I was living my life as normal as possible, during a pandemic, as I could be. Still working everyday and others stayed away. As for me and my husband nothing really has changed as we continued to live day to day.
On Sunday May 10,2020 is Mother’s Day. We sent flowers to Brents Mom in Florida and we delivered flowers to my mom. I messaged all my sisters, sister-in-law’s, and friends. I had some even wish me a Happy Mother’s Day which I always think is odd because I am not a Mom. ( little did I know).
The morning of May 11, 2020 I felt fine but started spotting at which I thought I was just getting my period. We went into work so he could do inventory for the restaurant and I cleaned the pizza oven during that time. We left and had to do some running around and pick up some groceries for dinner that night. We stopped at home for a bit to take a break and I started to have some cramps. Again, thinking it was just my period starting.  
Along we went to the store and it was packed, of course, remember pandemic. Brent made a joke as we drove past one of the spots that had a sign and he said
“ Are you expecting?” Since the sign said for expecting mother’s only. I just laughed and said “yeah don’t think so.” We get home and Brent started to make dinner and I took a shower. As I waited for dinner to get finished I started really have pain and now I am bleeding a little heavier than before. We ate dinner, which was absolutely delicious, I then cleaned up and did the dishes. We sat down to watch Wheel of Fortune and I knew something wasn’t right because now the pain was getting severe. I went to the bathroom to remove my ****** thinking that’s why I was in pain. I was bleeding but nothing terrible. I laid on the couch in hopes that the pain would subside.... boy I was wrong. About a minute later I feel a gush......I immediately sprung off the couch and ran to the bathroom......and here’s where the story gets raw, real and graphic....
As I sat on the toilet and blood is coming out of me.... I still just thought it was my period ( not unusual for me). The pain was increasing immensely from my front all the around to my back. After about 10 minutes of trying to clean myself up I had the thought cross my mind that maybe I was having a miscarriage. I still was in disbelief because it’s been over 10 years we had been trying and being told I most likely can’t get pregnant. So, again, I believe it’s my period. But then, blood, mucus, and blood clots just kept coming out. I yelled for Brent and look in his eyes as my eyes are tearing up and said “ I think I’m having a miscarriage “.  As he stared at me blankly, I think it really hit me, what was happening even though I was completely blacked out emotionally. I knew at that moment what was happening. The pain was so high as my legs were numb from sitting on the toilet for so long. Even though I can’t recall exactly everything that was happening or maybe I just don’t want to remember, there is one thing that we both will never forget. The moment I passed the baby....
Brent has told me the story and even though I don’t fully remember, I subconsciously do. When I passed the baby... I looked at him and said “ And there it is...” it’s heartbreaking, gut wrenching, emotionally draining and exhausting.  Especially since I didn’t know I was pregnant!
“I never got to meet you
Since I was saying goodbye as soon as we met....”
Over the time span of 2 hours I continued bleeding and still having pain. I finally made my way off the toilet and onto the couch to try and relax. I finally felt a little bit of emotions as I started to cry fully
knowing what just happened. Brent asked me if I wanted to sleep in bed or stay on the couch. I said on the couch at first but then said no in bed because I don’t want to be alone. We laid towels down on the bed, had a giant pad on because the bleeding wasn’t going away anytime soon and I tried to calm myself down to fall asleep. After awhile I finally did. Not long but did. I woke up early in the morning and ended up falling asleep on the couch shortly after. Brent called my doctor to make an appointment for me to be seen. I ended up going early afternoon but had to go alone... remember pandemic. Brent ended up going to work since he couldn’t be with me anyway.
As I drive there alone I have so many emotions going through my head. Guilt, anger, sadness, happiness ( yes happiness...I’ll explain later). As I enter the office everything Is just odd... my doctor wanted me to take a pregnancy test just to make sure I really was pregnant. Normally this is an exciting time, anxiously awaiting to see if it’s positive. For me, alone in the doctors office, knowing what had happened hours before, this was anything but excitement. She comes back in confirming I was pregnant and she knew that it is positive that I miscarried.
I was sent for bloodwork for the next two weeks to make sure that my levels were going down and that they would go back to normal. Thankfully they did and I didn’t need surgery. My body did what it had to do successfully.
I finally told my family after I got the first two rounds of bloodwork back confirming my miscarriage and that I was physically ok. That part just ******. It really ******. Everyone thinking I may have good news and I crashed the party with sad news. It was and still is an uphill battle. I felt and still feel like Elsa from frozen singing “ Into the Unknown.”  My emotions are running wild, the blame game was on point, and I didn’t know whether to cry or just smile through everything. My head was fogged. My eyes were silently crying. My heart was hurting. I threw myself back into work a day later. I buried my head in my poetry to escape and get my emotions out. Which has helped me tremendously.
Even though I don’t want to relive what happened, it’s a part of me, of us. I don’t even want to write this but I forced myself to do so because it’s a healing process for me.
Brent has been my backbone and I can’t thank him enough for being an amazing husband and best friend to me. I really don’t know where I’d be without him in my life honestly. It’s been something we’ve both wanted since we had been married and over the past 10 years the chance grew slimmer for us. We had closed the door and sewed up the wounds that it caused for me not being able to become pregnant and start a family together. We had  “accepted ” that it was just going to be us and that’s ok. I had found a poem I wrote back in 2018 and the one line broke me. That one line read...” what If I was pregnant and never knew it...” as if I was telling myself two years later what was going to happen. Freaky to say the least.
It’s now been  nine months and it’s still affecting me everyday. Television, friends, family all announcing their pregnancy, or miscarriage... it’s like a bad dream on repeat. Smiling and saying congratulations but yet deep down inside my anger is unbearable. Is that wrong? Am I selfish? Am I a bad person for having these feelings? What did I do wrong? Why can’t we be happy? It’s ok. It’ll be ok. We’ll be ok. I’ll be ok. The physical pain that I endured is nothing compared to the pain left in my heart. The emptiness. The hole. Our missing piece. It just wasn’t meant to be. That doesn’t mean we will never forget    It just means that it’ll all be ok. If we are blessed to have a baby, it’ll be amazing but if we aren’t... we have one waiting for us up in Heaven with both of our dads taking amazing care of him or her.
Through all this rambling, this has helped me in my hearing process. Reliving my nightmare, yet seeing the positive through the horror.  For one : I am able to get pregnant. It may have not been the right time but it is possible. Two: this has opened my eyes to write poetry more then I was before. Through all my raw emotions that I have come to find out, many others have been through as well.
In conclusion... although this has been a rough point in our lives, we have become so much stronger as a couple ( if that’s even possible). There is hope for us to have a family together and if we are blessed to have one, I will be grateful. Everything happens for a reason and you just have to have faith and strength. To our baby in Heaven.... we will meet you one day and our fathers will hand you over to us when we will finally become a family....
Today is 9 months since my miscarriage
Dorothy A Oct 2013
Everything faded to black. He had a hard time remembering just what the hell happened. He wasn't sure of downing some random pills from of the medicine cabinet-- his first attempt to end it all. Making sure he would not recover-- if the pills didn't do the job-- he had already devised the set up of the noose in his bedroom. Definitely, he didn't recall anyone cutting the rope, forcing him down to the floor.

Lacie joked with him. "Dude, you've got nine lives! You must really be a ****, fricking cat in disguise! That's why you'll eat those nasty tuna fish sandwiches they serve in the nuthouse! "

Chris grinned at her.  He had to agree. To refer to it as the psych ward at the hospital made it seem like more of a jail term, but calling it "the nuthouse" lightened up the severity of the situation. As grave and nearly tragic as everything  had become, it was kind of laughable to him.  He supposed he had more chances than a cat's fabled life. It all seemed so crazy that it must be funny.

Well, what could he say? He had flirted with death, but unwillingly managed to escape its grip. "Pathetic..."--he commented. "I don't not even know how to die well..."

Chris  eventually realized that he had been rushed to the hospital, but wished it wasn't true. Since then, everything was either a total blur or a bizarre state of mind . Even waking up in his room was like a remotely vague memory, almost like a long ago dream that might not really have happened.

Maybe, he was somewhat aware that his sister was screaming in shock and horror at the sight of him, shouting out downstairs to her boyfriend to help her. But the walls were turning red, a glowing scarlet- red, with an added fiery orange and yellowish-gold-- all joined together in pulsating embers. He was quickly losing consciousness. It was like some, bad acid trip. Not that Chris knew this firsthand, but it sure was like something he saw on TV or at the movies.

And now he was the star of the horror show.

Did he die?  Death was what he planned on, so waking up was not a relief, or a reality back into motion--just the opposite. It was as if being awake was the real nightmare, a delusional time when everything was not true, and was only an scary, offbeat version of the life of Chris Cartier.

The bad acid trip continued. He recalled hospital staff rushing about him, seeming like real people-- sort of. Then they morphed into fish in scrubs. From overhead, an IV was dripping into his arm. Tubes were shoved down his throat. His vital signs were displayed on a screen that made beeps and sounds, increasing the chaos and adding to the mayhem to his mind. Soon, the vital signs machine started talking to him that he was a "very bad boy" and other such scoldings.

He was thoroughly freaked out. If he was still alive, he'd rather be dead.

He wanted to run. One of the fish pushed him back down and muttered out undecipherable utterances-- like underwater gibberish . Then that fish used its slimy fins to inject him with a needle in his arm. The other fish circled around him like fish out of water--with opening and closing mouths-- as if gasping for air.

As they surrounded him as rubber monkeys shot out from the walls and bounced all over the room. On top of all this madness, the florescent lights above were flickering on and off, in sync to the wild music, like the drum beats of a distant jungle. It was one bizarre tangle of events, a freaky, crazy, out-of-control ride in which reality could not be distinguished from the animation and mass confusion. It was one overpowering ride that he would much rather forget.

When Chris got out of critical condition, he found out that he could still not go home. That would take a few weeks more. Dr. What-The-Hell's-His-Name assured him that he needed to start on the path to his psychological healing--just as grave as the physical--right here in a safe place.

It didn't seem so safe to him.

The enemy wasn't what was out there in the world, but the big, bad wolf was actually him. He had to be protected from the true culprit--himself-- and that was a mind-blowing concept. Just what did he get himself into?   

He never had been a patient in a hospital before. In all his twenty-six years, he didn't so much as even have his tonsils out. Feeling now like a prisoner,, he was still scared out of his mind-- as if it was day one all over again. When was he going to get out of here? Chris began to fear that they would never let him out. No professional had a definitive answer, as only time would tell of his improvement.

Man, why couldn't he just be dead?

His parents visited almost everyday, but it was of no reassurance to him. His mother always left in tears, and his father was lost for words. This was nothing new. When it concerned their troubled son, they felt inadequate to help him. The best his dad could say was, "Hey, Chris, we're pullin' for ya". That was of no comfort, whatsoever, like he was some fighter in a boxing ring that his old man had a bet placed on . His mom always clung to him as she said goodbye, like she needed the hug more than he did, saying to Chris through her sobs , "Miss you....love you". Her emotional state just unsettled him to the core, and he was worried for her more than for himself.    

At best, his outlook was grim. But then he met Lacie Weiss, and things started looking up.

Lacie was one of the quietest psych patients in the ward, always sticking to herself. But then he found himself sitting right next to her in group therapy, and they hit it off. He had no idea that she had a fun side. She usually looked apathetic and quietly defiant to society, a nonconformist in the form of a Goth, with edgy, dyed black hair, dark eye make-up and some ****** piercings of the eyebrow, tongue and nose. Her look was quite in contrast to his light blue eyes and sandy-brown hair. Chris never was into Gothic, viewing those who were as spooky creeps.  

It was obvious that Chris was scared and confused. Now although trying to seem tough and stoic, Lacie seemed so little, almost fragile, yet obviously trying to hide her broken self together. Petite and somewhat girlish in appearance, she was barely 5 feet tall. Chris was 5 feet 11 and a half inches, close enough to the six foot stature that he wanted to be. Only a half inch less really didn't cut it for him, though, even though his slim build gave the impression of a lankier guy. He would have loved to be as tall as the basketball players he so emulated. But such was life. He was never used to having the advantages.  

At first, Lacie never opened up, not to a single soul. Like Chris, she certainly acted like she didn't need this place, and nobody was going to help her--or be allowed to help her. As stony and impenetrable as she tried to be, group therapy it was hard to disappear in. Everyone was held accountable for opening up, and the leader was going to see to it.  No way, though, did Lacie want to crack or look weak in her turtle shell composure, in her self-preservation mode. So it was agony for her.

She first spoke to him, whispering loudly to him, onc,e in the group circle "This is all *******!"

Hanging with Chris was the one salvation that she had in this miserable experience. They both could relate more than he ever realized. They both really liked motorcycles and basketball. He had his own Harley, and it was something he loved to work on and go on long rides with it, his own brand of therapy.  In spite of how she looked, Lacie was also actually close to his age. He was twenty-six. and she was twenty-two.

They first broke the ice with casual introductions. "No, the name is not pronounced like Carter", he corrected her about his last name. "It is like Cart-EE-AY...... It's French".

"Yep", she replied. "Like mine is the same way, but as German as brats and sauerkraut,  Ja dummkopf?"

Chris gave her a weird look. She continued, "My mom's dad was from Germany, and I got my mom's name. Ya don't say it how it looks. You would say Weiss like Vice, but I couldn't give a **** how anybody says it. Nobody gets it right and original, anyhow." Her dark brown eyes flashed at him as she said, " But I think I like Chris Cutie, myself, better than Cartier.....cutie it is for me. Huh, cutie pie? "

Chris laughed hard. She was pretty coy for a die-hard Goth. She batted her eyes playfully at him and winked."You're worth being in here for, ya know", he told her, blushing, still laughing at her silly remarks.

She studied his face in response, all laughing aside. Suddenly, her mood turned solemn.  "I'll bet".

They began hanging out in the commons, walking down the halls for exercise, and swapping stories of their plights. Chris quickly found that she Lacie wasn't so steely and unapproachable as the day he first saw her.  And she discovered that he was more than a pretty boy.

"My parents weren't home when I tried", he told her one time after lunch was done. They were sitting in a corner, trying to be as private as possible. "Twenty-six years old...and I still live with them. Yeah, that's my life. I got a twin brother, and he's moved out and doing alright for himself. My sister's younger, is going to college. Wants to be a doctor".

Lacy didn't have any siblings to compare herself to. "Must be cool to have a twin", Lacie said. "I always wondered how that would be to have two of me running around! Scary, huh, dude?"

Chris shook his head. "No, it's nothing like that. Jake and I aren't identical. We are just a two-for-one deal...I mean  is that my parents got two babies in one, huge-*** pregnancy. Jake and me don't even act like twins. Half the time, I don't want to be around him."

No, it wasn't like his cousins, Adam and Alan, who were identical friends, mirror images, and best of friends. Chris never identified with that kind of brotherly relationship. He and Jake never dressed alike, or knew what the other one was thinking. And Chris felt that his brother always felt superior to him. He was the popular one. He was the ambitious one who landed a great job in computers, as a system analyst.  To add to Chris's feelings of inferiority, his little sister, Kate, had surpassed him, too. She was acing most of her classes, and boarding away at college. She was well on her way to becoming a doctor.    

"So if your mom and dad weren't around...who saved you?" Lacie asked. She stared into his eyes with such a probing stare that Chris almost clammed up. Just thinking about that day was overpowering.

"Uh...my sister and her boyfriend were hanging out in the basement. She was home from college, and I didn't know it. My parents were out-of-town. Our dog, Buster, was acting funny. He knew something was up..."

Chris stopped abruptly, but went on. "Kate, my sister, explained to me that she saw me in my room, getting up on a step ladder. She says she yelled at me to stop. I don't remember...but I guess..I guess I was going to do it anyway, and she wouldn't be able to stop me....stop me from...so I hurried up and jumped off before she could stop me."  

Lacie could almost picture it, as if she was there with him. She said, "But she did stop it. She saved you."

"Yeah", he agreed. "Buster started it all...barking, alerting my sister to come upstairs from the basement, and upstairs by my room...." All of a sudden, he felt so weird, like he was having an out-of-body experience.

"Hey, it's OK", Lacie reassured him. "It's over now. You aren't there anymore".

Chris started to cry, but tried not to. "If it weren't for Brian, Kate's boyfriend....she would not of had the strength to hold me up by herself, and cut the rope, too. I must have been like dead weight, and Brian grabbed a kitchen knife and told her to stay cool about it. Yeah, sure, like that could have been possible ! She was trying to keep the rope slack, while trying to save my sorry ****...and she was scared, shitless! "

Lacie opened up, too, relating her tragic past. She had an unbelievable tale, one hell of a ride herself.  It was amazing how detached she was when relating it, though. "Well" actually I got to fess up" "I'm not really an only child....I mean I am...but not really. I know that sounds weird---hey--but I am weird. Oddly unusual is the story of my life-- even before day one. "

Chris had no idea what she was talking about. "What are ya' trying to say?"

She added another surprising bombshell. "Also,  I have a two-year-old boy. His name is Danny. He don't see his dad--ever. The guy's a waste of space. Anyway, my mom has him. She can afford him more, and can do a better job raising him than me. Well, she does OK money-wise. Anyhow, my mom deserves him because she lost everything. And I mean EVERYTHING! Her whole fricking family practically wiped out!"

The shock that Chris had on his face-- his widened, blue eyes and open mouth were expected.   Most people had a hard time believing her.

She explained, calmly, "I mean she nearly died--way before I was born--in a car accident. And her two, little boys were with her in the backseat...and they died that day. "

Chris looked pale. "That is so awful!" he said, hoarsely, barely able to say it.

"Yeah", she continued. "Not a **** thing she could do about it, too. She was like in a million pieces. I know a part of her died right there and then, too. I just know it.  You know, dude, my mom was once really, really coasting along, just doing fine. A typical wife and mother-- a bit older than me now-- life was good. Her little boys were just cute, little toddlers--like Danny. I found out from my grandma that she was  pregnant, too, just a month or two. Nobody could have imagined it coming. She was just driving--doing nothing wrong-- when some idiot broadsided her.  I don't know if it was a guy or a lady, if they were jacked up on ***** or drugs, but they were speeding like a demon out of Hell. Her husband was at work and wasn't around."  

The boys were Benjamin and Gerard, but Lacie couldn't remember their names, for her mom could barely mention them without breaking down. It was an unbearable loss.

Chris was so horrified, amazed that Lacie related this like it was someone else's story. She was almost too cavalier about it.

"And they died ?!" he asked.

"Yeah....*****, don't it? Pure, pure agony. Downright Hell on earth. My mom had to learn to walk again. It took about year, I think."

"Oh, no! What about the baby she was supposed to have?"

"Miscarriage. Worse yet, the **** doctor told her she'd never be able to have kids again. She lost everything, man! Her husband couldn't handle it and left her. **** on top of ****, on top of more ****, on top of more. If it wasn't for her parents, and her sister's help, she would never have made it.

"But she had given birth to you, right? Or were you adopted?"

"Yeah, she gave birth to me. I was her miracle baby, and she didn't give a rat's rear end if my dad wanted me or not. He'd send her money, once in a while, but he wasn't really into either of us. Who cares though? She didn't give a **** what he thought. I was her baby. Truth is, before I came, she ended up slitting her wrists--just like me. What was the use? At first, there was nothing to live for. But now she has Danny.

"And you!" Chris quickly pointed out.

"Dude, are you kidding me? I have been NOTHING but grief for her, a real pain in her ***!"

Unlike her deceased, half-brothers, Lacie grew up before her mother's eyes, from a shy girl to a ******* rebel. Since the age of twelve, she would sneak drinks from her mom's liqueur cabinet. Eventually, she smoked *** and tried ******* and ******. Dropping out of the eleventh grade, she soon away from home, living with friends or boyfriends ever since.  Thankfully, she wasn't doing drugs when she conceived Danny. And her drinking wasn't as prevalent as it was in her teen years of partying and binge drinking. That didn't mean that her drinking problems magically disappeared, or that she was cured. Immediately, though, when she knew she was pregnant, she refused to touch a bottle, but it was just a white knuckle process that was effective momentarily--a band aid on a more serious wound. And going months without a drop of alcohol didn't deaden her urges--quite the opposite--as it only made her crave what she could not have. Often, her fears caught up with her--of especially becoming
Ashly Kocher Feb 2021
I was living my life as normal as possible, during a pandemic, as I could be. Still working everyday and others stayed away. As for me and my husband nothing really has changed as we continued to live day to day.
On Sunday May 10,2020 is Mother’s Day. We sent flowers to Brents Mom in Florida and we delivered flowers to my mom. I messaged all my sisters, sister-in-law’s, and friends. I had some even wish me a Happy Mother’s Day which I always think is odd because I am not a Mom. ( little did I know).
The morning of May 11, 2020 I felt fine but started spotting at which I thought I was just getting my period. We went into work so he could do inventory for the restaurant and I cleaned the pizza oven during that time. We left and had to do some running around and pick up some groceries for dinner that night. We stopped at home for a bit to take a break and I started to have some cramps. Again, thinking it was just my period starting.  
Along we went to the store and it was packed, of course, remember pandemic. Brent made a joke as we drove past one of the spots that had a sign and he said
“ Are you expecting?” Since the sign said for expecting mother’s only. I just laughed and said “yeah don’t think so.” We get home and Brent started to make dinner and I took a shower. As I waited for dinner to get finished I started really have pain and now I am bleeding a little heavier than before. We ate dinner, which was absolutely delicious, I then cleaned up and did the dishes. We sat down to watch Wheel of Fortune and I knew something wasn’t right because now the pain was getting severe. I went to the bathroom to remove my ****** thinking that’s why I was in pain. I was bleeding but nothing terrible. I laid on the couch in hopes that the pain would subside.... boy I was wrong. About a minute later I feel a gush......I immediately sprung off the couch and ran to the bathroom......and here’s where the story gets raw, real and graphic....
As I sat on the toilet and blood is coming out of me.... I still just thought it was my period ( not unusual for me). The pain was increasing immensely from my front all the around to my back. After about 10 minutes of trying to clean myself up I had the thought cross my mind that maybe I was having a miscarriage. I still was in disbelief because it’s been over 10 years we had been trying and being told I most likely can’t get pregnant. So, again, I believe it’s my period. But then, blood, mucus, and blood clots just kept coming out. I yelled for Brent and look in his eyes as my eyes are tearing up and said “ I think I’m having a miscarriage “.  As he stared at me blankly, I think it really hit me, what was happening even though I was completely blacked out emotionally. I knew at that moment what was happening. The pain was so high as my legs were numb from sitting on the toilet for so long. Even though I can’t recall exactly everything that was happening or maybe I just don’t want to remember, there is one thing that we both will never forget. The moment I passed the baby....
Brent has told me the story and even though I don’t fully remember, I subconsciously do. When I passed the baby... I looked at him and said “ And there it is...” it’s heartbreaking, gut wrenching, emotionally draining and exhausting.  Especially since I didn’t know I was pregnant!
“I never got to meet you
Since I was saying goodbye as soon as we met....”
Over the time span of 2 hours I continued bleeding and still having pain. I finally made my way off the toilet and onto the couch to try and relax. I finally felt a little bit of emotions as I started to cry fully
knowing what just happened. Brent asked me if I wanted to sleep in bed or stay on the couch. I said on the couch at first but then said no in bed because I don’t want to be alone. We laid towels down on the bed, had a giant pad on because the bleeding wasn’t going away anytime soon and I tried to calm myself down to fall asleep. After awhile I finally did. Not long but did. I woke up early in the morning and ended up falling asleep on the couch shortly after. Brent called my doctor to make an appointment for me to be seen. I ended up going early afternoon but had to go alone... remember pandemic. Brent ended up going to work since he couldn’t be with me anyway.
As I drive there alone I have so many emotions going through my head. Guilt, anger, sadness, happiness ( yes happiness...I’ll explain later). As I enter the office everything Is just odd... my doctor wanted me to take a pregnancy test just to make sure I really was pregnant. Normally this is an exciting time, anxiously awaiting to see if it’s positive. For me, alone in the doctors office, knowing what had happened hours before, this was anything but excitement. She comes back in confirming I was pregnant and she knew that it is positive that I miscarried.
I was sent for bloodwork for the next two weeks to make sure that my levels were going down and that they would go back to normal. Thankfully they did and I didn’t need surgery. My body did what it had to do successfully.
I finally told my family after I got the first two rounds of bloodwork back confirming my miscarriage and that I was physically ok. That part just ******. It really ******. Everyone thinking I may have good news and I crashed the party with sad news. It was and still is an uphill battle. I felt and still feel like Elsa from frozen singing “ Into the Unknown.”  My emotions are running wild, the blame game was on point, and I didn’t know whether to cry or just smile through everything. My head was fogged. My eyes were silently crying. My heart was hurting. I threw myself back into work a day later. I buried my head in my poetry to escape and get my emotions out. Which has helped me tremendously.
Even though I don’t want to relive what happened, it’s a part of me, of us. I don’t even want to write this but I forced myself to do so because it’s a healing process for me.
Brent has been my backbone and I can’t thank him enough for being an amazing husband and best friend to me. I really don’t know where I’d be without him in my life honestly. It’s been something we’ve both wanted since we had been married and over the past 10 years the chance grew slimmer for us. We had closed the door and sewed up the wounds that it caused for me not being able to become pregnant and start a family together. We had  “accepted ” that it was just going to be us and that’s ok. I had found a poem I wrote back in 2018 and the one line broke me. That one line read...” what If I was pregnant and never knew it...” as if I was telling myself two years later what was going to happen. Freaky to say the least.
It’s now been  nine months and it’s still affecting me everyday. Television, friends, family all announcing their pregnancy, or miscarriage... it’s like a bad dream on repeat. Smiling and saying congratulations but yet deep down inside my anger is unbearable. Is that wrong? Am I selfish? Am I a bad person for having these feelings? What did I do wrong? Why can’t we be happy? It’s ok. It’ll be ok. We’ll be ok. I’ll be ok. The physical pain that I endured is nothing compared to the pain left in my heart. The emptiness. The hole. Our missing piece. It just wasn’t meant to be. That doesn’t mean we will never forget    It just means that it’ll all be ok. If we are blessed to have a baby, it’ll be amazing but if we aren’t... we have one waiting for us up in Heaven with both of our dads taking amazing care of him or her.
Through all this rambling, this has helped me in my hearing process. Reliving my nightmare, yet seeing the positive through the horror.  For one : I am able to get pregnant. It may have not been the right time but it is possible. Two: this has opened my eyes to write poetry more then I was before. Through all my raw emotions that I have come to find out, many others have been through as well.
In conclusion... although this has been a rough point in our lives, we have become so much stronger as a couple ( if that’s even possible). There is hope for us to have a family together and if we are blessed to have one, I will be grateful. Everything happens for a reason and you just have to have faith and strength. To our baby in Heaven.... we will meet you one day and our fathers will hand you over to us when we will finally become a family....
Today is nine months since my miscarriage...
Kiprotich vinny Feb 2018
Bad as the sight of hell,
Possessing Lucifer's piercing horns and smell,
The abadacabra's of life,
Putting into pieces like the sharp edges of a knife,

Sincere hopes of the mother getting shattered,
The winner is the devil,
Such instances are evil
Ritualist a times sacrifice their unborn children through miscarriage ,

The struggle of getting a perfect companion in my tender life is like playing against Millwall ,
It has always hit a stubborn wall,
Results are always futile,no marriage ,
From time to time there has been a miscarriage,

I am now on a personal recess and relegation,
As I watch the movie of a successful delegation,
Want to know where I went wrong, through revelation,
Though certain it will take long, another miscarriage.
Julian Sep 2020
The Roulette of Fanfare by Imaginative Glare (A Cooperation of Timeless Synquest)
Sunken fortitude is the bailiwick of interminable eupathy that sustenance embezzles by minutiae of orange spectral linearity of bypass becoming a torus of tragic reprieve in repcrevel fashions of hyjamb. Thus we float above the carcass of syrts of certitude by cadasters of nostalgic drawls of malingering strawberry staddle for the scutage of pinhoked disaster. We renege on committed opalescence because tranquil dangles of vinsky are waged by trenchcoats of bluster for vector arrays of galvanized decorum that swirks for elegant synectics by dredged grains of agrarian sanity by the pleckigger of lopsided islands of creativity that are the notarikons of aleatory finite but equidistant largesse of not just a jumboism but a jetsetting travesty of traversed time mastered by ignoble ingenuity. I limn with piracy as a freebooter cordslave plugged by demitoilet reminders of the flyndresque alloreck of tinjesk spectral ultimatums that are the stretchgraves of a retrospective infinity that is a bystander to catapulted cohesive coherence found only in piecemeal culinary seditions against the drip of a turncock of roosted clarification in muted hindsights of foresight itself. The pleonexia of abeyance is the riddle of enigmatic promulgation that flickers even with partial compartmentalized servitude to the burlesque the burrows of an ophidiodiarium scare away any jaunty sleek car from the boosterism of a farmed collision with disjointed surgery of nimble reticence that braves the seismotic macadamized plutocracy of drift without sedition in sedimentary clairvoyance with a pointed amphigory that is actually a starved clarity for ommateums without spelunked trudges that occur in dovetails for disguise by synectic optimum at the zenith of the hive synergy of singularity.  The justified jest of aleatory flexes of finitude is a shambolic gesture of the limber of divergent interpretation ingeminating the world by sapient degrees of psychometry of divergence in piecemeal asseveration of the hindsight of the festooned not tepid or butchered by the obvious to the glaring cineaste but rather a gloaming glint of refracted ingenuity roosted beyond any alienesque erratic happenstance that is itself a beatific fortuity for the geotechnics of human emergence into supersensible planes traversed in a stereodimensional covenant with a compacted compost of DIVERGENT IMAGINATION OF CADASTER rather than the regelation of the obvious. Timmynoggies of cartels are regnant because of the repugnance of loyalty to the fricative frigates of superlunary mention of ratiocination divorced from husbandry of hyjamb for giant leaps in rigged ambsace maledictions of unfair pleckigger of the wrikpond relumed by huffs of impotent flairs of flambeaus beyond ecdysiast stretchgraves of perilous paralysis for the supererogatory of the accursed destruction of stoichomety of solipsism tremulous by biocentric levity above fastened redoubled pederasty. We maraud the rabble of nostalgia of rhinoplasty of penumbras that live on rainshod territorialism beyond the jolkers of everlasting foofaraw livid by betrayal but erratic in glamour without crackjaw costermongers vitiating the vociferous because of incumbent thermodynamics that affixes the stagnant to the latticework of riddle by sturdy integral derived fliphavens of shibboleths of solitude. Education is a fliction of robust derangement of nowhere men taxed by the celerity of traversed traipses of memory beyond encaged bridewells for recanted alchemy to prerogatives of the roomy expansive facsimiles of departed stigmas of bossy clairvoyance for martian glimpses at sunken waste. The bernaggles of brittle titanium are abrasive when they are alloyed with the compost of material dynamics of capital without avenged prediction cemented in sunken graves taxing the nostalgia of histrinkage that is affixed to boschveldt traindeque for venial consanguinity to dikephobia. We elevate the endpoints of abridged turriform clockwork provincial shibboleths that are the proctor and protectorate of insular robbery of crowned trounces of gravity for the gravitas of sepulchral vanity learned from famigeration of filial tithes of duty. A dutiful sedition is countermanded by the pews of turnstiles that enamor the enamel of rollercoasters because of vague vagaries of bedazzled contrition for wanton ambition on psaphonic psychology and therefore sustain the vibronic thrombosis of nonlethal inseminations of clear aqueous transfixed filigrees of demented notions of cheerful apocrypha of liturgical pride beyond the dungeons of prejudiced inquisition. The jolkers of insolent archipelagos of spinsters that levitate by parsed peril of delaminated parsecs of glazed parturition is the orchestra of a nonlinear grove of invented abecedarian witwanton notice of maddened cattle of gluttony forestalled by the clairvoyance of otiose operations of redoubled countenance that consequently is septiferous by degrees of sanguine rapacity the qwartion of endeared endeavor to surpass the gentility of brooked temperatures frozen to sustain but not mainline the congeners of the elective agenda to bypass the thornbushes of conflagration without knavery or cutthroat embellishments of bedlam. And without the din of simplicity occluding the transcendent goal of humane synoecy of fustilugs of fumatoriums endangered but not inflammed by controversy we witness the insubordinate university of hibernation becoming a specter of grisly bromidrosis of lackluster forswinked fortitude because the majestic sinew of the overwrought is a refrained luxuriance of pity of facetious glebes ringed around orbital planes of synthetic abridgement that supposes the sultry is actually the swelter of calenture but taxed by sicarians of the grandeval it meets no fanfare among elective privilege. Amphigory is not categorized as dross by shipwreck but only by synechdocial docility of groomed barren arcades of storged complication leading to regeneration of a world leaden with the epicurean epithets of agerasia that burden the wardens of poached intermission without remission because the drapes of the greatest art are thus created by the complete transfiguration of the soul bolted to ethereal expansive heights that dwarf all pithy gnomes of the gardens of prospective desiccation of the petty gripes of the gavel of idiocy rather than the astounding artform of the newfangled tabanids to supererogatory oceans of creativity. The benchmarks of sublime illusions of supremacy are a hidebound taxidermy of the rookery of greenhorns to summit the testy secrecy of inane drawl that scrabbles the miniature embellishments of petty sportive lunacy as a figment of the feral nature of proclivity recumbent upon its own gladdened prickly renegades that align with a gallywow cacophony rather than a merely epicene convergence of attitude for equity above polity that is hardly polite. As a penitent hibernal rejoinder against the clerical critics of religiosity becoming conflated with artistic masterworks of oligomania I offer my rogation for atonement because the melismatic art I fashion leads to the vogue enchantment of the noosphere for the soteriological bedrock of fastened intellectual endeavor that traverses planes of an engorged soul without a gulf of conscience leaden by distracted discernment leading to a hypostasized apostasy from the religious scruples I rigorously uphold but that I vacillate away from because I want to entrench an irenic world for the francketor dash towards a superlative enrichment of mind above matter for the victorias of soul above the pettiness of the dim humdingers of the banal lifeless squabbles of martexts beyond the hospitable welcome of martians. For the naysayers that don’t understand the ironic irenic circularity of gainsay becoming rebarbative to this artistic flourish of supersensible equipoise with an approximated histrinkage lagged by temporal deficiency they should not abhor the talisman of an ergotall genius but rather marvel at the burlesque cineaste connotation of enamored youthful spirits becoming novel because they stride above the cascades of crestfallen apathy of plodding languor. This is a definitive new artform for the niche crowd so don’t dismiss it as gobbledygook because it serves the purpose to enchant creative spirits and test minds that might be more nimble than resourceless. Wearisome by demiurges of distraction the thorny imbroglio of industry is a whiplash of nativism belonging to the throb of pulsated penury that is neither valedictory nor penultimate but tertiary in oblong variegated menageries of perfidy for collapsed enormities of jumboism lost on inclement stoichiometry that is sejungible from crambazzles of findrouement that are squaloid enthralled raptures of humdingers of rippled hunks of parched nebbich pataphysics because the circuit of conditioned reward is a rebarbative tether to the catchpole exploitative erratum of harbingers of hungry happenstance rather than continual enchantment. The crumple of squaloid sebastomania a distant figment of adscititious schadenfreude of dilettantism of flonky smardagine streaks of whemmled anxieties unduly provoked by calamities of presstungular intorgurent toonardical deprived cartels of repcrevel pursuit with labial senses embedded in deft incondite inquiries against seismotic jostle over the rubble of scaffolded jengadangle above the rot of contranatant sleek suffrage for the chattel of elemental realism becoming a heroic temple for glory without the vetust errundle of dismal disco attuned only to the spurts rather than a startled commerstargal of alienation leads to a plumber’s irony of atomic humdingers of natural equipoise with litotes of scrawny rings of gollendary piracy. The valorous incondite bricolage of a ****** cineaste barnstorm inoculated from conflagrations of the flagitious reprisal of prevenance of ferial fastuous feats of furlongs of brittle certainty above the tentative glaze of aced pokerish promenades to summit the craggy because the salebrosity of the pitch is also the venue for the sphairistic tentpoles of a new tabernacle of spectacular ecstasy in obvious punitive damage to puritan pilgrimage to mechanized obelisks of sardanapalian betrayal of histories of seizure rather than naturism of erasure that is a totemic recall of strollows of lonesome tributaries to tribunes of steam rather than saunas of lickerish leverage because the gladiatorial is a zugzwang with the deliberate infernal shibboleths of the disinclined people dislodged by carnality that depose sicarians of science because of militarized enmity against the whangams of taghairm becoming the outmoded dupe of dopamine that is now serotinous rather than flanged with glaring hearsay. The serpentine winds of windlass sometimes are a conclave of convex itineration against the steady husbandry of docile domiciles of mannequin sedentary postures for posterized infamy rather than manufactured oneiromancy that is the staddle for every phony contraption of qwartion obviously specious but interrogated by the dubiety of perseverance of inclement curiosity. Yet again we sweep the soaring ligaments of rigid ramshackle bletonism that hawkshaws countermand by division of enumerated nadirs pivoted against the perpended weight of the prolonged zeniths of grit above substance that infatuates myopia but glares against mountebanks of apothecary leverage. We fight against the boxcar traindeque of sejungible traipses through stereodimensional rebuffs of known drogulus surpassing unknowable reticence of citadels that are owleries for the seedy cities they sprawl with incontinence for a drab raft of intertesselation rather than a refined quintessence of alchemy achieved by allotment by brackish nescience becoming a blinding ray of destitution engraved by petrified decalcified rudiments of realism. The somber timbre of delirifacient ruinous rumination malingers in humdrum salience as it scrawls the tragedians lament of distal eventful frets of declassified nomenclature that swoon with lugubrious harbingers of burglary the licentious dolts affixed to the brays of pauperized regions of future proximity too remote to paralyze the morale of any cantonment on record by litotes of profound remembrance of a backfire delope for cineaste conflation of marstion slore for educated reprisal of desiccation. We spelunk in mimicry the dingy duplicity of double-takes in regelation that owe homage to the percolated hearsay of cartels that operate parsecs beyond our congeners of germane lustration in remission by deontology for soteriology alone but not vacated of the stilts of turnverein ragged mannequins of desolate remorse for the dearth of hived and hemmed hibernation in a fitful frenzy of revision above precision. We see abundant lactose intolerance as a sidereal lovelorn lament of sematic entrenchment without the scourge of roosted war against abrasive brawn exercised in flexible limbers of the novel filigrees of truth revelatory of consideration rather than impregnated with the perfidy of amaranthine static of regaled stagnation that flickers with the marinas of congregated leaps as a signature of the artistic license of byzantine traipses of contempered primacy in the soup kitchen of a lapse in sabotaged sobriety. Immune from displaced donnism is the resurgence of bonanza from checkered propinquities affixed to a finite placard of spacetime that owes to stretchgraves a profound depth of contrition that carmelized apocrypha lapse on lissome whilded dignotions of contrarian raillery of loose nihilism rather than anchor to the eremites of fact found in eclipsed culmination for momentous harps of the Jubal for new centuries inseminating the populated presence of spectral imagination with contorted melodies that spawn an ingenuous quest to swoon abiding heavens for celestial ears. It is conspicuous that artifacts for raiders elope with circuitous routes of heated sedimentary incubations with a comatose creativity that seeds the ferial junediggle with a supercalendar of confections that are intermittently apportioned in heydays of culture to the sad lament of the obvious rather than the obviated dare of audacity above conglomerations of spirited luxuriance in tasty memorial to a pinnacle above all other notions of sentinel apostasy. The greater atrocity of rogated ambitions against the gainsay of iconoduly of the rood and rude crucifixion of resurrected clarity found in the enamel of akashic answers to questions fashioned by kneaded cosmetology of delicate ***** cotqueans of limber above precedent and license beyond the finkly limp of lolloped saccharine blitzkreigs of the jalousies of the ajar vaticination of hurdled glaikeries of epicene impediment is that we ****** ink above the gesture of the quills of rocky abrasion found in limitrophes of yachted celebration because of rabid coherence above the wherefores of gadzookerie because the gladdest scaldabanco is the demented persiflage of collateral catastrophe beyond any humane degree of schadenfreude for persecution that backbites the anteric antlers of the jesters that mock the procession of liturgical secularism jeering at grapholagnia while lagging in imaginative spurts of lament for incalculable damage to the Pandora’s box of effluvia that meet stiff tabernacles of betrayal because of the Judaic foresight rather than as an alarmed Marxism scared of an agrarian interdependence of worlds cadged more prone to moral dogma exercised with latitude rather than unscrupulous brays of fisticuffs of shambolic shams of ruin. We glance at the perfidies of voyeurism with pertinacity and recalcitrant bellipotent bedlam that evokes the illicit grandeval whangams of quixotic whartonized arraigned estrangement from legalism to warp time to its own superlative turpitude that is reckless but contingent upon the consummation of destiny only to the extent of original witness rather than the decay of perpetuity wrought by the persiflage of envious militarized mandarisms of enmity aimed to derail the elevators of the noosphere from stratospheric emergence in now perspicuous clarity above the pother of the indelible sacrilege of the stygian polymathy of the astute enemies of the proper comstockery rather than the negligent butchers of an enantiodromia of oligarchies of lewdness that are severed appendages to Anti-Semitism and by extension a marginalized Islamophobia that demands by exigency the complete erasure of all attempts at sacrilege exercised in rampant dereliction of dutiful upkeep of the upright morality against the cadge of ulterior ploys of a broader hedonism that would only piggyback because of the license of ryesolagnus rather than because of a complete signatory endorsement of the liberated agenda of free thought conquered through the conquest of God but the ultimate conquistadors of time through sennet and even negligent rebec to memorialize the triumphant pantheon of growth rather than rankled regress into prolonged hatred ingeminated by atrocious tortfeasors that belong nowhere but the ashen heap of exorcised damnation. The perdition inherent to the system that craves chattel rather than sartorial versions of syncretic chatter is the malefaction of renegades bent on tornadic vulcanization to a demoralized wragapole of docility hitched to the vandalism of pilloried tarantisms of moral lapse leading the sheep into sheepish resignation over the accordion of Original Sin that annoys because the bridewells are brideless birds of the chavish of warbled uncertainty wicked because of snuffed tabacosis of mitigations of evil by the evildoers for the rejoinder against the Republic by rendering the **** a platonic ploy of karezza if only punctuated by solitary ******* reticulated by exsibilation that is contorted when you consider the ****** act a marvel rather than a condemnation of the vicarious involvement in normative ****** creations not of any higher artform but of an evolved theology that might perpend the issue of Christianized ******* that is videographic as a sanction worthy of charter and an impending simultaneous comstockery to protect the decency of the simultagnosia of a diverse and divisive mispronunciated time bent against its greatest heroes for the malice of schadenfreude built into the system of language itself by germane consideration to flagellate the wrong country for the  greatest wrongs known to the realm of religious observance. The pederasty of enclaves is the bailiwick of mutinies of selective mutism incurred by the vilified into compulsive shrieks of kallince as a ribbacle of protean ratiocination paralyzed by the coherent vulnerability incurred by the exchequer of polluted conditions of enslavement by the stretchgraves of the chavish of too many pulpits in the throng of a decisive jaundice against the victors of history because of the obsolescence of the historical fossils of outmoded jealousy. Now to the eupathy of all generations should we better conserve situations against the encroaching wesperm of the marstions of ulterior feminism grimacing at the pleckigger of manhood and decriminalizing the taboo against the enantiodromia of miscegenation to the folly of shepherds of idiotic ploys to rear the mediocre rebec of warbled intimations of cultural impotence that should proselytize both the oligogenics beyond ecbolic atrocity and the adoptive ****** of the anglosphere through its smart and dapper monopoly threatened by the commerstargal of retromorphosis exhibited by the demassification of culled syntalities into aboriginal epigenetic kennels of subservience to a piggybacked system where if you are among the attentive scrutiny of the audience that both perceives apperception metacognitively with francketor precision you are thereby inoculated from lean herbivores of cultish occultism metaphorically in the annealed agitprop for resourcelessness that never ends in the radioglare of revisionism because of the prevenance of the vergers who manage the Manciples rather than tend to the vainglory of the potagers around the hegemunes of an unwarranted and puritan celibacy of conceptual sterility in a world fashioned by engouements for sanguine hopes for a consanguinity that might portend into dynasty but lopsided in its contrite missives of scandal will never provide a valedictory rendition on politically checkered zugzwangs of ulterior scientism against the lettered freedom of bibliognosts to aggrieve against the gloaming vacuum of sartorial damages to Dagon among the populated metropolis of corporate servitude that will thus collapse out of rebarbative backlash for its diminutive economies of scope and pretenses of largesse of scaled down collectivism into a heap of corporate rubble rather than judicious bonanza. In every considered word in this Biblbical warning against the trekleador of the amazonian paradise against the travail of junediggles of obligation among the frenzied fretful tocsins of farcical utopianism meeting the inclement reprisal of sanctioned duplicity in frikmag beneath the truculence of mobilized alacrity to syndicalism endeared to capitalism rather than the converse logical apostrophes that are imponent overhangs of an already conquered feral sphere of nomadic imagination into a checkmate of a socially validated future clinched by foresight and the wragapole nature of the insensate docility of those prone to officious naturism before the attempted monolith of the mountebanks of the quixotic towers of panopticon that are a regelation of unchecked ambitions verging or diverging too valorously against themselves but also prone to a simultagnosia that berates the robust picaresque swandamos that curtail the curglaff of malcontent with the recoil of perseverance that reneges in tiresome defeat of a demilitarized population that should always be grisly rather than denatured by the overhang of the incumbent nudism of certain futures becoming to finicky in impetuous lurid specters of abhorrent exercises in chantage waged against sardanapalians in all countries regardless of merits or demerits. The redstrall of enlightenment is not otiose operatively in recursive backlash against nominalism which sweedles the weedledge of a new acquiescence timid enough to mangle a prosodemic wave of celibacy propitiated by the succedaneum of profligate vicarious lickerish ****** appetites that diminish that natural instinct into either barbarous experiments in lechery too inconvenient to apprise honestly but looming aghast at the moral tip-toes around the Original Sin that binds us to predatory lapse and retromorphosis rather than the maintenance of a mainlined trimpoline confidence in a normative wave of galvanized interface against the overpromiscuous provisions for the lackaday resentment of alienated millennialism relishing the sennet of nostalgia but bereft of the heave from moral slumbers of an invented celibacy intermediary to demassification but attenuated by the omphalism of astute gravitas in socially engineered balks at the emergence of singularity in personalized cacotopia becoming a metaphor for the broadsided shipwreck of an inured world pasteurized into acerbic jolkers of foofaraw rather than the real-life relish against still-framed ostentation that distorts the granular artifice of the natural into supernatural fixations with gaudy swarpollock indecently exposed. To the finkly flonky puritanism of the wiseacres of those who say sacerdotal duty cannot diverge from entelechies of secular insight I behold the marvel of timespun elegance as the marvel of God’s convergence for the happenstance of the serendipity of magnified time lived completely in the plenipotentiary pangs of evanescence that catapults subliminal meaning to memorialize this indelible seminal watershed in a clear visionary establishment of history. Most belong to oligomania but I relent in the completely sardonic intortions of aspects of sebastomania in complete equipoise with the clairvoyant clarity of centralized perspective but the dragomans will interpret that last phase with underminnow because it belies the granular intent of the fin de seicle advent of a new generation that is an homage to the hallowed Judaic theory of millennialism as the return of glorified entitlement yet tentative in its overhang but never malicious in its grapnel of the fewterers of amazing convergence of clairvoyance. The tangential rebuke of the absurd oxyholotron of paradoxical puritan superstition that assumes a fustilug generation will cement a farsighted clarity that subsumes generative prowess lingers with fixations on the figments of the apocryphal version of the truer version of revelations manifesting right before our eyes for neither the sinistral or the dexterous amplivagance of God’s universal message by the superorganism of messianic purpose belittled by the agents of humbled perdition not alone of martexts that are martles but also by the shepherded fears of the ignorant rather than the insipid because the will never be outmoded only enhanced by the acceleration of proliferative technologies that pave a macadamized future of prosperity rather than the tarnish of the miscreants of Tyre. I owe all providence to God because he fastened his scrutiny on my autodidactian romance clambered into restive ontocyclic peccadillo that points to Pinocchio more than to the truest compass of an omnified salvation of the piggybacked purpose of synergies of geotechnic mastery that elevates the cause of God and liberates us from the stings of dangerously vapid pauperization of the intellectual frontiers by dangled prevarications of desultory incontinence forestalled by avoidant developments in proper fewterers of ambition. By the axiomatic Brocards of time travel the unstated ignotism of deranged circuses of stupidity congregated around the swelter of dismissal is a barnacle to the mofussil fossilization of sentiment that remarks ironically about the petty indelible moments but not the entelechies of a unified front for liberated equity and considerate tender of diverse quorums that shepherd rather than intern the noosphere into the burgeoned resurgence of a humane endeavor for the everlasting enlightenment of an ameliorated humanity and beyond that. By the bailiwick exerted by the plenipotentiary omphalism still participant to the quorum I hereby declaratively implore the abrogation of pernicious grapholagnia as the peremptory sacrilege that needs exorcism for our times and yet delegated of stature I urge hortatory and imperative action for the expurgation of all tortfeasor illegally obtained ******* of unsolicited voyeurism to be completely regarded as the ultimatum of temerity against carnal restraint and banished from the human registry to uphold the strategic interests of the United States of America. I understand that there is not fricative monolith and never will I lean for that conquest but as a humbled member of the omphalism that constitutes the sacred endeavor of sociogenesis grounded on God with collegialism upheld that a geotechnically optimized species needs to refrain from lewd perfidies against commonplace justice to restrain the fumatorium of unwarranted envy from poisoning the pervious minds of people that congregate in defensive posture but not definitive gesture. I also beseech a portentous  settlement with  I relent from avarice but it is not a superposition of authority just a suggestive glance at requited justice but my grangull chavish of circumlocution naivety will meet the most deliberate Sardonic Sc(p)orn in these times of need. These next words are paused and already fathomed by the supernal recursion of the iterative metaphysics of recumbent retrospection hinged on hindsight to proclaim without any hints of attempted subterfuge of the clarity of a Democratic Republic that my words while forceful do not constitute a breech in public conduct even while vaulted with a minor rapacity I rebuke and atone for even when many others might find recourse to expiate my jalousies to the windowed world not of vindictiveness but out of the cursory and emphasis on cursory justice needed to vouchsafe my continued security and inoculation from the pothers of obviously shortsighted pleonexia which will obviously be fleered as a slight euthymia glazed on self-interest while tone-deaf to the checkered layers of entrapment by a confederate whiplash but a native grit never to enslave but to empower humanity. I am deeply lugubrious over the specter of the trembled quaky ground the penury of spiritual loss rejoinders against my candidacy for high esteem but not peremptory decisiveness in active service to yield to a supererogatory attempt for felicity to alight in my life not out of material greed but the gratuity of serviceable missions that play a dicey gamble with a frenzied manumission attempt that is essentially that a parsed manumission for eleutherian pragmatica to chide as naive but alarmed senectitude of the old order prevaricates with the din of postured hurdles of gladiatorial outrage that weans me away from the ataraxia for my fumbled stream brooking intolerance for years on the ballast of collective endeavor. Nevertheless, lets speak more on God’s providence because in this esteemed moment of watershed emergence of the fully engorged but rarely gluttonous soul I have found an equitable peace with supernal and superlative authority in God that grants stewardship and tutelage to the audience that will eventually through proper discrimination be delegated as higher than the ignorant bystanders of fleered snide disdain for the abnormous and bletcherous dimples of an otherwise circuitous dalliance with an unconventional path towards destiny rather than some windlass of opportunism for, if it were not for my unabetted genius and the provisions of divine appointment based on a kindly generous deference to preterition axiomatic in perceived time by the strictures of the convergent past and the divergent future, I would never find a role of partial authorship of a widely heralded tome I will one day publish to either the exsibilation of the antiquarians of hidebound irrefragable ontocyclic convictions or the cloveryield of an appreciative gratitude to the God I serve and I make no notions of any hostility towards any party of petty dismissal because I expect their recumbent recoil but I apologize for hubris and extenuate the follies of the refinery of character as I ascend into a figurative ennobled step into soulhood that exceeds my former dismal limits by such staggering orders of magnitude it magnifies the questions of ontology in sentience rather than beckons the alarmism of the swarpollock of tripwires that can easily withstand the tempests of scorn. The uproar of commotion of blood sanctified by the thirsty rain for the desiccated faucet of dramaturgy in reprisal for docimasy is the integral linchpin of the biocentric rebec reasting on the primitive hymns to festoon the curtains of defenestrated primitive relics of shady attempts at officious balks of the privatized empire of the alytarchs among the earwigs that simper the culled delicacy of sensible notions into the congeners of prioritization emphasized by quantulated concerns veiled by elaborative synquests that burrow the sulcate grooves of hidden hedonism for the chic magistrates of financial swoon or swayed vestiges of a forgotten calumny of betrayal by the coming-of-age sprouts of hedged dismal dismissal of a lugubrious prospect for an otherwise revitalized dressage of emoluments to glory that lurked in penumbras by rigged enumeration but found their prominence by the gravity of sensation-seeking frissons of alterations between benighted glory and the famish of artificial tethers to the yoke of caramel and chocolates as a dainty ploy of yearning persiflage also a dranger of camouflage for flagitious percolations of the invidious rumors of imposture and the groveling contempt of the known drogulus remiss in denial of its own requited date when the powers of miscarriage become ecbolic to their own lagging languor of lisps of linguistic ramparts of a revival of hypertrophy for hyperactive foibles in inclement weather. Ok beyond the absenteeism of the presence of perceived amphigory there is great heft in the nominal notion that dogma is mobilized in serviceable goods of merchandized mirrors of glazed remission of moral tender because of stoked curiosity unhinged from the pragmatica of duty. We need forbearance in empathy that loves the lovable rather than envies the deposed despotism of clever wiseacres veiled in delicate symmetry with conscience that is the quill of a wellspring deeper than any imaginary vagary can approximate because impossible events punctuate time with literacy rather than incontinence of drivel that is ambitious but ignoble by stately coherence. To the critics of the baragnosis of limited apperception my words are blatant amphigories but they only possess enough ken to fathom an average orbit of suboptimal outcomes rather than transdimensional chances at chess outnumbered by checkers by incidental design of clever ploys of rejoinder that is by design arcane for the arcadia of the pristine arcade of future possibilities  As I am purblind by psychorrhagy I am incompetent in my radiopresence because I am a departed spectral figment above fricative hisses and whorfian glares of mediocre rebec for primitive shibboleth above prized taurine anglophonic convictions that superimpose the dignified clarity of willpower above the dragnets of supersolid conflations of puffery. Ok I admit a lapse of transmission by the vesicles of numbered murders of henpecked owleries of the senectitude of sepulchral magnetism of slumber over awakened alacrity of mobilism fashioned in portentous flipcraves of additive immobility of fixed vectors seen through parvanimity that actually just swivel in circular retorts against themselves without the elaborative potential and the belabored traipse of the rabid taradiddles of sensationalism marauding as a defalcated burglary of emotion for useless psephology that predicates nothing but a slight budge in the autarky of structuralism which is never sclerotic but stammered by articulations of the overt when the covert aligns by an alien agenda that is subservient to magnified priorities of warped swirk of telescopic prevenance and hedged boschveldts of elemental and I stress the strain of the elemental for the drogulus of sensational proclamation by executive ****** but supererogatory minutiae of fascism cloaked by earwigs of repcrevel repute beyond memorialized reputation. We need to renege the southern pacts to the Argentine mandarism of reticular vitiations of cinematography waged against creative visionaries of free speech because of the succedaneum of furtive endeavors at optimization by compromised degrees of artistic licentiousness even that is never lewd about sacred roods but boorish in blockbuster rather than kempt in collectivist brunt of the timid bronteum of agitprop that lurks in the imminent future of cinema. America needs to retain the disclosed but still-frame inertia of catapulted declassification that ennobles the fliction but also the vilified distilled truths only the keen of acumen will sensibly identify so that the magnet of earwigs gravitates to the belabored analysis of astute congeners to relevant tributaries to the ocean of adventitious swarpollock in the procedural autopsy of the auditorium for neither a chattel nor a crystallized nurture against the matriotic insistence of decorum. Essentially the succubus of prosthetic protensive docimasy of imaginative logic predicated in visionary apperception of the unseen in immediacy is the longeur of reticent endeavors to pasteurize the oculus rifts of futurity to synergize with the entelechy of proactive somnambulism that sensitizes the profoundly capable but never bereaves the inept of direct interface with communicable dominion with fantasia that is an operative artifice of a beguiled lurch without purged retrograde immaterial delusion that endangers visceral momentum toward new directives of the outmantled zugzwang in elementary exercises of swaddled posterity free by irenic idolatry never orphaned by a widowed imagination. The swirk of hypostasized probabilities in an invented swipe at wide-eyed but star-crossed turnvereins for the imaginative leaps in the performative depend on the delicate swivels of declaration independent from culinary clarity of macroscian travesty rather than pinhokes of naufragues of maudlin laudable applause by the canned nurture of speculative intimation that sadly severs the curglaff of whispered intimacy over the confidence we have in artifice to teach the wragapole both matriotism and sensitive reninjasque poker without incurred damages beyond the clarified visionary potential of graphic protheses immediately perceptible to the acumen of judicious polymathy indoctrinated by the rigor of scientific grooms for melliferous parsecs of advanced minutiae of dark horses to nomadic license beyond ravenous **** palindromes of hushed vigor to the declared by scacchic deliberation to usher in crass but crestfallen synectics. The future of God is secure in the fathomed furlongs of cubic citadels of pasteurized paradise found in corralled reluctance without remonstrance of poetic belletrist resounding with clangor rather than swerved nimble potions to avert future calamities in war by the expansive frontier of a civilized metropolis of the mobilized imagination hypostasizing newfangled naturism that is neither mofussil nor a fossilized relic of scrappy schlep. The nonchalance of parlance swims in arenaceous bunkers of drivel that congregate in the turnverein of futuristic opportunism found in the muzzled directives of orchestras of departed clarity no longer so insular in its bossy imperatives but clarified with hearsay and blushed blarney not the blench of widened divulgence of minatory malice that incurs the punitive curglaff of frenetic retchallops of winsome specters becoming opportune pragmatics of a semantic network of dirigisme that through sheer horsepower overcomes the sting of ubiquity or the hollowed headless vesicles of urbacity disenfranchised by degrees of impertinent pertinacity of deposed disclosure rudimentary in sedentary simplicity against matriotic duty to remain guarded by an ommateum that fathoms the abyss but never wages reckless adventurism. Prevenance is the key to absolution but staggered implements of dearth preempt the ecbolic corrigenda of castigation by hindered lurches of veiled errundle belonging to a central trimpoline interposition of fungible felicity for not only a regional fanfare but a global scale of competitive endeavor of cleverage beyond scopes but beneath scrutinized mutiny of embanked polymathy stranded by the redstrall of industrious slavering dogmatism to a servile ***** rather than the boomerang of pressure to asseverate limitless bounds of planned obsolescence to engorge but not intimidate checkered reticence in the sinew of the musculature of creative parlance above petty finicky demiurges of latitudes in amphibious annealed glorification. Temperatures gauged by the thrombosis of thermolysis in psychotaxis gouged by hucksters of taciturn bamboozles of teetotalism are neither scourge nor foe of the strategic advent of the fascination of prospective investment a boondoggle that offsets the bonfire of retorted whimpers of foudroyant ripples of wildfire perspicacity strung by the catchpole of ubiquity in the time-honed decorum of genteel upright raconteurs of volleyed neglect by strict mandate will uproariously profit in remission from knowledgeable exacerbation rather than tomfoolery by filial tithes to foreign wardens of conspicuous levitation above gimcracks by the syrts of percolated filigrees of belabored chantage exerted over the tide of perfidy in contained discernment will stall and extinguish the prideful jostle of profane blasphemy against tacit covenants of blackguarded justice served by platitude better than by insubordinate quivers that quake because bears bounce checkered checks rather than anoint the sigillum of protective vouchsafes of exchequers smartly dapper rather than dimpled in flagrant brays of castigation and thus secure employment of instrumental advent rather than desecrated conventicles of remission.
Now it is time to ventilate divine knowledge that transfiguration means a humane liberation rather than a sanctimony of tirade against dumose proliferations of fluminous imaginary tracts of the probable rather than the certain for the elevators of sanitized wealth to bequeath greater moral clarity found in the contrary submission of authoritative parents to shepherd guarded wealth in proper husbandry of calendrical affairs to optimize the work-life balance so the biocentric imperative for sustenance renounces the moral obesity of groundless backlash in austerity and endless cycles of remorse rather than a tender mollification of sentiments away from universal kumbayas and in favor more stridently of a system that withholds the agitprop of statist indoctrination of a mollycoddle ****** within individual mandates of variable agendas of countries beyond the borderline fluid dynamics of the foibles of moral venial folly but insensitive to the dynamism of the robust virility of a wayspayed world swaying by riddled wildfires of conflated puerile stages of ludic indoctrination to the rampant perfidy of exemplary incontinence waged by Hollywood upon unsuspecting victims of inconsiderate indoctrination that doesn’t vouchsafe the prerogatives of heteronormative values that should outshine not a parochial vehement hatred or a clorence of unconditional tolerance but a chided quarantine of variegated syntalities divorced from integration rather than fostered in communal depths of bound lettered ambition found in the allegorical power of Biblical wisdom expounded by the florilegium of the religious and secular canon.
To serve God rather than the perceived taradiddle of speculative mammon deprived of classifiable certainties but hunched proclivities we need to exhort a proper seesaw between restraint in vision and exuberance in creative license so that the pivot of the moralized world leads to an insistent trust of watchdogs that through trust revolve the gravity of morale upon the upswing of liberty rather than incidental follies of imaginative demiurges of partition but blinkered hubris in stately objectives to the demur of participant malingering naysayers and nyejays. The moral gravity of the situation requires us to rotate our hype from the fervor of panic into the resolve of fortitude that relishes family and filial duty rather than resents because of breedbate instinct the flickers of smoldering rebels that are tamed in their revelry when they follow the moral prerogative of disciplined ambition in creativity not insubordinating against insurmountable limits but reasonable adjustments to a scaffold of potential that is skyscraping more than before even if its too close to the ground for comfort and consolation. Relativism is the enemy of progress because envy seeds alienation and comparison should be eschewed because we need to burrow in compassionate embrace of the cherished loves rather than the exaggerated proximity of provincial fears becoming global juggernauts of mercy upon the merciful and I convoke a global prayer for the attenuation of the virus that spreads sadly too far for comfort today. I purge out of solidarity with suffering as the milquetoast in me identifies the disconcerted avenues of avetrols trying to find a way through the forest of rumination without gingerly superlative prerogatives outweighing the poise of balance in shields of honor rather than badges of shame. We must by moral imperative greet strangers in public places like parks rather than strangulate the percolation of affection because of regnant distractions because in this congenial way we will find a common fraternity with fellow man while soldiering on to find truth in God’s word in the proper temperature for genuflection because I admit foibles but I relent not in the chase to redintegrate myself spiritually to lead a charge without trespass of fundamental dignity over the whoppers of indignation some of us might feel because of the penury of divergence rather than the private penalty of convergence for an ulterior solidarity of purpose. I need to emerge into the humanity of compassion to showcase that virtuosity can exist without obsession over one individual because God beseeches a pantheon of observation rather than the gripes of an envied nuisance independent from normal human concerns that ripple with ecstasy because of normative human contrition over the leeway on vacillated opinions that might underwhelm those disposed by prizes of inurement. We should shelve these notions of a supersolid conscience because only in the humility of the profound simplicity of elemental postulates can we achieve complete synchrony with a syndicate that enthralls both divergent and convergent movements that partially offset on the side of convergence in some communes while otherwise countermanded in others in contrarian ways and the favor of the balance depends on the perspective of the flanged acculturation of the participant in a world that doesn’t need flayed excoriation as much as it deserves proper exercise of adoration of the admirable rather than the desecration of the abominable. I return with the greatest jubilation of a reninjasque jaunty streak that hearkens the sennet and maybe the leanings of the senate to the fanfare of adoration for life and gratitude bestowed by the stewardship of God and his divine purpose to inseminate my life with purposeful meaning and happy happenstance that is a stroke of glory. I muster the resolve to traipse in the solitude of my cavern the blessings of divinity bequeathed by the departed forefathers who never intended bossy insularity of dogma to be a stricture of rigors of iconoduly but rather a consecrated wit with the persiflage of conversant tones of labile and lissome gallantry just waiting to alight upon the affectionate dance with dalliance of a philandered hope for a purified love hopefully never profaned by the pangs of scandal (note the sardonic pun) because rejoice is the gift of Heaven upon this culmination of purpose above the dross of shipwreck elevated in folly but stranded in the throes of rumination enough to hedge the boursocrats and try to inoculate the world from further panicky divisions of hypemongers of simpered precaution becoming a financial pandemic that deserves pause and poise but should not protrude above the glistening promise of the eternal wellspring of the vineyards of salvation blooming because enhanced sapience converted the flock of shepherds to tend to those sheepish in deficiency to wield a newer curiosity to replace a saddened lament not by acquiescent abandon but by the solidarity of interfaces of love replacing cast-iron idolatries I too am guilty of for the cordslave generation of itinerant distractions that wager on modicums rather than appraise bonanzas. Safety is predicated on the idea that resources should never be glazed but always apportioned with optimism because if you examine history irrational panics have always and always rebounded because of exigent actions taken by governments to restore confidence in liquidity rather than snide dismal dismissals of economic projections based on bounded rigged betrayals of primarily a global panic that a profoundly promethean intellectual verve could capitalize on its heyday to gouge people against the insensate balkanization of the future by an alienation of formidable scarecrow of invented fatalism imploding upon itself to obviate its own existence by the insistence on free thought to domineer and tower over the doldrums of a vacant man that is now occupied by the largesse of humane endeavor for a messianic voyage that consummates time itself its own captain and is partially centripetal around the juncture of All Saints Day 2008 because of its seminal significance in ushering in a new era of liberation. This justification is a gnomic axiomatic herculean ****** that catapulted generativity in creative endeavor to coalesce around an Army of Me not because of the futilitarianism embedded in its flagrant flagitious mockery of traipsed lyricism borrowed from Bjork but rather showcases the flavork of the flavenickers of ribald coarse revolution that is no longer balderdash to Bald Eagles but the prized retribution of the inviolable scruples demolished by deracinated moral relativism balking at raltention because of persnickety and tyrannical transparency that prepossesses over the lifeless livid Potemkin  Village  of Astroturf complaint malingering in pederasty over its own depraved sinuous course of diverted restraint cemented by the scythes of Village People politics benumbed over militarized betrayals that incur and invoke the diablerist prose of anonymuncle desperado mavericks that sizzle in hibernaculum to depose the autarky of seasoned growth rather than unseasonable diatribes of vitriol poisoning the posture of gentility by decree rather than by deeds of homogenized pasteurization against Lactose Intolerant Leftism and dogged doggerel of pasty subversive paranoiac hederaceous envy spawning a vituperative summation of a beatific felicity. We need to convene upon better tranceception in this axiomatic gratuity of God
Dorothy A Apr 2012
The first time that Evan laid eyes on her, he told himself that he was going to marry her. Embarrassed by his own fantasy, he quickly dismissed that thought as fast as it came to mind, telling himself what an idiot he was. Yet, from time to time, in spite of his reasoning, the thought would invade his skull.

What a dumb idea anyhow! It was just lame, teenage fantasyland! Girls did that kind of junk all the time, saying they were going to be Mrs. So-and-so, and thank God nobody could read his mind to know what he was dreaming up! Like she would marry him! He felt like a dumb ****, great in athletics, but far out of her league. Not even having the courage yet to ask a girl out on a date, and now he was already thinking of marriage! Pathetic! Really! Only a freshman in high school, he felt he should know better, lacking the good common sense his dad always tried to drive into him and had himself.

Ginny Delgado belonged with the smart kids, the brains of the school, although she seemed to stick more by herself, away from any stereotypical clique. Evan had first seen her in his biology class, and he remembered when other students wanted to copy off of her test papers. She never allowed any of that to happen, though, even if it would gain her popularity, false popularity but attention just the same.

It was a surprise to him that Ginny seemed to have few friends. Mostly, girls who were nerdy and smart did not seem very attractive or put together. Ginny seemed to have it all. She was smart and pretty, but she never identified with any of the girls who thought they were hot—and all other girls were not—and so she stood apart as one who shrouded herself in guarded aloofness.

And now here he was at his 20th high school reunion, one he really did not want to attend, but talked himself into going anyway. Perhaps, he could shoot the breeze and run into a few old buddies, his basketball friends. He didn't think that much of Ginny since he graduated from Fillmore, much less anybody from all those years ago. There really wasn’t any reason to reminisce once high school was behind him. School was not misery for Evan Stewart, but it wasn’t a time where everything seemed magical and carefree, not like for some students who looked upon those days as some of the fondest memories of their lives.

It was the class of ’92, and a huge banner displayed across one of the walls read, “Welcome back, class of 1992! Fillmore High School rules!” There was a good turnout, and Evan recognized a lot of people, although there were fewer that he knew by name.  

Sitting under dimly light lights, around a bunch of round tables, Evan now sat with the other alumni, stuck in a crowded hall with music blaring away from the early nineties. He had his overpriced meal. He had his few beers.

But what now?

He was almost bored to death. He was beginning to watch the clock more and more, scanning the room to see if he could possibly find reason to stay longer.  But then something happened that he never expected to happen, never even would have imagined it.

And, suddenly, his heart started to pick up its pace.

Was that her?

Evan thought he had made out the vague shape of a possibly familiar figure, an amazing and sudden surprise. Was that Ginny Delgado?

He wondered if he was seeing things as he intently stared across the room at the shadowy prospective of Ginger Delgado. But with the low amount of lighting, it just might not be her but someone he never even met before. How awkward would what be?

If it was Ginny, she was sitting next to a guy who seemed obnoxious and full of himself. Even from afar, he appeared to be a guy who would be in everyone’s face, with wild hand gestures, talking away and giving nobody else a chance for a word in edgewise.  If that really was Ginny, was that her husband? What a trip that would be! All the sense he once attributed to her would have to have gone out the window, if that were the case.

Sitting at Evan’s table were several of the other guys that were also heavy into high school basketball. Most were married and came with their wives—nobody was alone as Evan was—and now they all tried to act like they were thrilled to be all gathered together to show off their accomplishments. They were all passing around stories of life after high school, after basketball—some with talk of their college days, their wives, their kids, their jobs and careers—plenty of drinks to go around, and some toasting to the good, old days and to even brighter futures ahead. Evan was never married and did not have any children, so he felt he had much less to say. Most of those guys were not even very interesting, even though they tried to make it out that they had achieved so much in their lives. They may have been out of shape and past their prime, but all of them tried to act like they were the same as they were twenty years ago. None of what they all said impressed Evan at all, even though he tried to be interested.

He kept looking at the woman across the room, and the more he looked at her, the more he was convinced he was spot on about her. She had to be Ginny! He should just get up now and have the guts to ask her! But what would she say? Yes, I am Ginny Delgado, and this pushy **** next to me is my husband?

Though he was twenty years older, Evan felt just as awkward and as scared as he did in his freshman Biology class. It was better to just let the issue be. He’d rather save face than look like a total fool.

Suddenly, the unexpected occurred, something that gave Evan’s heart even more of a stir than he initially had when he spied her presence. Was it possible? Ginny now looked like she was starring back at him, as if they had somehow miraculously locked eyes and she had an uncanny ability to notice him back, from that afar off, now being transfixed onto him!  

You’ve really lost it now. What do you think, that she really notices you and remembers you?

Ginny stopped paying attention to the obnoxious man beside her and kept looking in Evan’s direction. She even reached her hand up and gave a little wave out his way.

Timidly, Evan waved back.

Standing up, Ginny started to make her way across the room. The obnoxious guy next to her looked on after her, like he could not believe she had wanted to part company with him. Evan guessed she was not his wife—thank God for that!

No, there is just no way she is coming over to talk to you. Alright, maybe she is. Get a hold of yourself now! Stop acting like a teenager and act like you actually know something about women. Come on, Evan! Get it together! She is coming.

Evan was right. It was Ginny Delgado! But she stopped short of his table to sit a down at the table in front of him, next to another fellow classmate of theirs, a female student that he vaguely remembered, though he did not know her name.

It was almost a relief she did not come to sit with him! Yet the disappointment was equally there. Seeing her more up close, Evan knew for sure it was Ginny. She was still quite pretty, perhaps even more so now, her medium brown hair and her dark purple dress complimenting each other. Not wanting to stare, Evan couldn’t help but to shoot many glances her way, without trying to be too obvious.
          
She smiled a lot, glad to talk to another person that she knew, and probably glad to be away from the guy she was stuck with before. Her eyes sparkled, and Evan never remembered ever seeing her so unguarded. In biology class, she was quiet, like he tended to be. Now she seemed so different, seemingly freer to be herself. Evan rarely saw her smile in high school, but thought she was very serious and sophisticated.

Before long, the DJ was now playing Eric Clapton’s Tears in Heaven. Couples at all tables were making their way to the dance floor. Soon, Ginny was approached by some guy who asked her to join him for a dance. She shook her head, no. Nonchalantly, the man turned to the woman that Ginny knew and asked her. She gladly accepted, said something to Ginny as if to have her permission and understanding, and then took the man’s hand to go to the dance floor. Ginny remained at the table by herself, looking on at the dancers with seemingly little regret that she declined an offer.

This might be your only chance, idiot. Are you going to blow it and be a wuss? Go up to her and tell her that you remember her. Go on! It is your perfect chance. What do you have to lose? If she isn’t interested, just go then. You’ve spent enough time here anyway!

“Hi…Ginny Delgado isn’t it?”

Evan asked as he approached her from behind. He cleared his throat. His voice had sounded so gravelly, as if he hadn’t uttered a single word all night. And his heart was beating a mile a minute, and he swore it must have been pulsating through his shirt. He was glad he put his suit jacket back on, for he was probably sweating like crazy.  

Ginny looked up, seemed to look puzzled, but then smiled a little. “I remember you!” she said with growing enthusiasm on her face. “Oh, but I’m sorry. You are going to have to tell me your name again”.

“Evan Stewart”, he replied. “We were in biology class together Remember? We were sophomores.”

A succession of slow songs was now being played, and Ginny’s friend was enjoying the time with her new dance partner. She certainly was in no hurry to make her way back to the table to rejoin sitting and talking with Ginny.

“Oh, sure! I remember now!” Ginny exclaimed. “Evan Stewart. Of course! You were the tall, shy guy that everyone liked because you knew how to win one for us. You were big into baseball, weren’t you?”

“Well, basketball was my best sport. I liked baseball, too, and track”, he replied humbly. It was amazing! She actually remembered more him than he thought she would!  “

Can I sit down and join you?” he asked, his courage and confidence growing.

“Oh, do!” Ginny replied, eagerly.

He felt like he was in seventh heaven. How cool was this? Sitting with Ginny Delgado? It was a bonus to a fairly descent reunion.

“So what have you been up to for the last twenty years?” Evan asked. His face was flush with embarrassment, as if he was just a guy who happened to luck out, but had no real skill in socializing with a woman he once fantasized about.

Ginny laughed a little, putting her hand up to her mouth as if her response was inappropriate. She responded, “You want a few hours? Or should I just give you a one word response?”

Evan smiled, blushing, as he tried to appear smooth and confident. “A one word response?” he asked.

“Yes. I can say it in one word—roller coaster….oops, that is two words”.

They both just sat there as I Can’t Make You Love Me, by Bonnie Raitt, played on.  

“Yeah…I guess I could say that about my life”, Evan agreed. “Would you like me to get you something from the bar?” he offered. “A coke or a beer?”

Ginny stared out onto the floor, as if she never heard him. “Isn’t it amazing how everyone comes to see the same people they always used to hang out with and still intend to hang out with to this day?” she asked. “How boring and predictable!”

Evan looked at her, puzzled, “What do you mean?”

Ginny continued to look out onto the floor, the music now upbeat dance music, and said, “Well, I mean you see all the football heroes all hanging out with each other. The members of the debate team are all huddled together as if they are preparing for the next debate. The cheerleaders, the drama club, the science club geeks…nothing has changed has it?”  

Evan shrugged his shoulders. “I guess that is typical. But that isn’t me. Sure, I saw some of the guys I played ball with, basketball, but the truth is I am not really that interested in hanging out with them.”

Ginny turned to look at him, her hazel eyes intent and solemn. Evan added, “I don’t have any contact with any of them. Nothing against them. I just don’t”.

They looked at each other in the eyes for a while. The silence was awkward. It was as Evan’s watching and waiting for her reply was the cue for Ginny to open up, and open up she did.

“I went to UCLA on a scholarship. I became a history major, world history, American history, women’s history. I never intended to teach, not at first. But it just seemed a good fit for me, and I have had plenty of teaching jobs, junior high school, high school. I moved to Sacramento.  I was briefly married after I got my first real teaching job there.”

Ginny’s eyes glistened. There was a pain in them that seemed locked in deep, not really wanting to expose itself too much, but coming out nonetheless.

Evan listened on, eagerly, so she went on, her gaze towards the dance floor “It did not work out. He cheated. He did it more than once and with more than one woman.  And now that I look back, I can see how wrong it all was, especially after my miscarriage. At first, I was so crushed, and I wanted to try again, for another baby, to try to please him, Jim, my husband. Thank God, I didn’t go on and on with him. I am glad I came back here…..back to Springdale.”

She looked back at Evan. He quickly looked away from her glance, his eyes downcast to the table. She wasn’t kidding. Her life was a roller coaster. He did not know what to say, felt so inadequate.

He decided to just share, in return.

”I was engaged once. It was a long engagement. She was a friend of a friend. Lana was her name. She told me she wanted to be with me, but she just wasn’t ready to make the big leap just right away. Actually, I am kind of glad now that I look back. We both owned our own shops. She was a hair stylist and I owned my own car repair shop, but that was about all we really had in common. I mean not really, even though we both liked sports a lot. We never seemed to agree on anything.”

Like he did, Ginny just listened intently, not attempting to make any reply. Evan added, “She was willing to cut me down in a second. I see that now”.

“Well how do you like that?!”

Evan and Ginny looked up as the woman that Ginny came over to see arrived back from the dance floor. She was walking, hand in hand, with her new found dance partner, fanning herself with her hand and laughing.

“Ginny’s got some company, too!” she exclaimed, beaming at Evan.    

Ginny replied, “Rhonda Flemming, this is Evan Stewart. She used to be Rhonda Boehner back in Fillmore”

Ginny turned to Evan to introduce him to her old classmate. “Evan…Rhonda. Evan, I don’t know if you two ever met each other before when we all went to school”.

“I’m not sure I have, either”, he replied, extending his hand to shake Rhonda’s. Rhonda quickly grabbed hold of his and gave it an overly enthusiastic shake.

“Hi, Evan!” she exclaimed "This handsome man next to me  is Brian. I never knew Brian until he asked me to dance!” she said excitedly. “And I am newly divorced and so is he! How strange is that?”

Brian shook Evan’s hand and then Ginny’s. “How’s it going?” he asked, grinning with embarrassment at Rhonda’s forward frankness.

“Ginny is one of the smartest people”, Rhonda went on to Evan and Brian. “We were once partners in an English class. We had to write a paper about each other. That was so fun in an otherwise booooooring class. Remember, Ginny?”

Ginny rolled her eyes, and made a shooing gesture with her hand to convey that Rhonda did not know what she was talking about. “I’m not as smart as anyone ever thought I was. I just worked hard and did my best, but thanks anyway for the compliment” , she said, modestly.  

“Oh, you were, too, Ginny!” Rhonda disagreed. She had a gleeful glint in her eyes. “Always so serious, Ginny Delgado! “

Rhonda grabbed Brian’s hand. “Hey, Brian and I are going to go mingle and walk around and see what trouble we can get into. You two want to join us?  

Ginny and Evan looked at each other as if to say “No way!” Ginny responded, “I think we are just fine here, but thanks”

Rhonda winked at her and then tugged at Brian’s hand. The pair of them went off together, leaving Evan and Ginny to themselves.

Evan smirked at Ginny, and then they both started cracking up with muffled laughter. Evan paused and then burst out laughing again. “Where did you find her?” he asked. A tear actually began to run down his face from laughing so hard, and he quickly wiped it away.

Ginny stopped laughing, tried to compose herself, but busted out with even more laugh
JDH Jun 2017
Some introductory 'food' for thought...

"When people say they prefer organic food, what they often seem to mean is they don't want their food tainted with pesticides and their meat shot full of hormones or antibiotics. Many object to the way a few companies - Monsanto is the most famous of them - control so many of the seeds we grow."
  - Michael Specter

"My grandfather used to say that once in your life you need a doctor, a lawyer, a policeman and a preacher but every day, three times a day, you need a farmer"
  - Brenda Schoepp

"Economically, many folks don't feel they can afford organic. While this may be true in some cases, I think more often than not it's a question of priority. I feel it's one of the most important areas of concern ecologically, because the petrochemical giants - DuPont, Monsanto - make huge money by poisoning us."
  - Woody Harrelson


Who is Monsanto?
Monsanto is a Chemicals/Pharmaceutical/Agriculture company that was established in 1901 in the United States, and over the last century has occupied a particularly interesting and questionable history that has within recent times took to the global scale, growing into a multinational corporation, well nigh on the complete monopolisation of the Agriculture industry whilst having established connections to the chemical and pharmaceutical industry. They are less well known for their creation of Agent Orange, of which they claimed had no harmful effects on the human body, which was utilised very predominantly during the Vietnam War by the U.S. military as a defoliant, however, caused hundreds of thousands of deaths by poisoning, and has now led to an epidemic of birth deformities in the regions of use. Monsanto experienced more involvement in war through their involvement in the Manhattan Project, which resulted in the creation of the first nuclear bombs to be tested on Japanese civilian populations. They also have a background in their production of PCB's (Polychlorinated biphenyls) which once again, had the negative human and environmental effects ignored and misrepresented hitherto 1977 when they were banned, however, was not before many fresh water supplies and the air had been contaminated and was a known carcinogen in humans, along with other health damages. There was then of course their production of DDT's in the post war period that was advertised as a 'wonder-chemical' to be used in agricultural pesticides. However, it was later uncovered that its spraying caused a high percentage of food breakdown in crop and in humans caused breast cancer, male infertility, miscarriage, developmental delay and nervous system/liver damage. They even tested the effects of radioactive Iron on 829 pregnant women in a bizarre experiment. Having no shortage of scandalous and often at times frequenting blatantly corrupt behaviour on their dubious track record, with an abundance of data and study arising in protest of the company's use of dangerous chemicals and genetic modifications in food, it is surely best to question the activity and history of this company.


What chemical poisons are being used?
Some of you are probably aware as to the fact that within many food products today there are various chemicals being used in modification, cultivation and in processing, many of which are harmful, often deadly to the human body and to the ecosystem. So harmful in fact that in cultivation workers are required to wear bio-hazard suits and due to the toxicity of the area in farming these GM crops, are required to ***** signs in the surrounding area warning of the danger.

So one chemical that has been pushed into foods and drink by Monsanto since the early 20th Century is Saccharin, an artificial sweetener made from coal tar which is used predominantly in Soda, Coke and processed foods, and is 700 times sweeter than sugar. In 1907 when Saccharin was first investigated by the USDA it was quoted as,"a coal tar product totally devoid of food value and extremely injurious to health" , and by the 1970's, when the chemical began to garner greater use, the FDA attempted to ban its use in products after discovering it causes cancers (particularly bladder cancer) in animals and humans, however, today is still used as an artificial sweetener, and between 1973-1994 the National Cancer Institute saw a 10% increase in bladder cancers.

Monsanto are also responsible for the pushing of another artificial sweetener onto the market to be consumed by humans, that being Aspartame, even more harmful than Saccharin, and since being used in Coke, particularly Diet Coke, since 1983, the rest of industry followed suit. When melted down at 30°C into its liquid form in use for soft drinks, it become far deadlier than in its powdered state. It was found that it caused tumours and holes in the brains of rats and is more addictive than crack *******. After a multitude of independent scientific studies arose in protest of the use of Aspartame, Monsanto bribed the National Cancer Institute to produce fabricated data. Here are some of the know side effects of Aspartame consumption in humans according to the US Food and Drug Administration:

• mania  
• blindness
• joint-pain
• fatigue
• weight-gain
• chest-pain
• coma
• insomnia
• numbness
• depression
• tinnitus
• weakness
• spasms
• irritability
• nausea
• deafness
• memory-loss
• rashes
• dizziness
• headaches
• seizures
• anxiety
• palpitations
• fainting
• cramps
• diarrhoea
• panic
• burning in the mouth
• diabetes
• MS
• lupus
• epilepsy
• Parkinson’s
• tumours
• miscarriage
• infertility
• fibromyalgia
• infant death
• Alzheimer’s

As is quite evident, Aspartame not only lacks any nutritional value, it also can have grave effects on humans when consumed. In fact, over 80% of complaints made to the FDA concern Aspartame and is now used in over 5000 products, yet facts are still being misrepresented and as primary producers of Aspartame such as Monsanto produce false data to cover their tracks.


How is their monopoly being secured?
Monsanto within recent decades has somewhat become the archetype of corruption and corporatism, devoting many millions to Government lobbying in order to maintain its hegemony over agriculture, its use of harmful chemicals and to maintain restrictions of food labelling of GM products. In fact, the company seems to have a revolving door between itself and Government now, one example being the FDAs Arthur Hull resigning due to controversy and going straight to an employee at Monsanto as a Public Relations representative. This means that the FDA, the central official force against the use and proliferation of harmful products is in bed with Monsanto, the main proliferator.

Another creation Monsanto have pushed into pastoral agriculture is their Synthetic Bovine Growth Hormone which is a genetic modification of the E-coli virus to be used in dairy products and cows. And in order to make sure this product is pushed onto farmers, Monsanto sues any that do not use it with teams of lawyers. They also, in a far more cunning and destructive method, are able to and have destroyed other, natural crop cultivation by the use of their Genetically Modified crops themselves. What they have done is modified their crops in order that they self pollinate, and that bees that come into contact with their crops are killed, causing mass hive collapses, which then means any natural crop in surrounding farms die off due to a lack of bees to pollinate them, forcing them to join the monopoly of Monsanto's GM supply.

Also, before the aerial spraying aluminium and barium into the skies began in 1998, that has seen a rise in the content of aluminium particles per/cm from near 0 to 30,000 in many areas, Monsanto patented crops that are resistant to soil with such high concentrations, meaning they now have legal ownership over crops, whereas the natural produce may be ungrowable in a number of places where the spraying concentration is high. On a side not, the spraying of aluminium into the sky since 1998 has also caused a massive spike in Alzheimer disease and lung cancers, rising from the tens of thousands to the millions of cases per year.

To Conclude, Monsanto has recently made a very big merger deal with the Pharmaceutical company Bayer, the ones who produced Zyklon-B for the **** extermination chambers. Sure sounds like some safe operations.


- an essay by JDH
Agricultural monopoly with a history of extensive corruption...
Miscarriage

If I hadn’t stepped outside, I would not
have seen the cloud buried deep in the approaching
storm I vaguely remembering hearing about. I would
not have seen the hole in the mist, the darkest
blue splot of our baby, blasted against the
lightning heavens. I would not have heard
the coyote howl or the neighborhood dogs
bark back, bark bark barking, as if you
would eventually return their perilous cries.
I would not have had to bite my tongue
from interrupting their noises with my own one—
a single scream—all out-stretched to you as
the windy sea blew a blue cloud into
you, crushing you into the embryo, the egg,
the moment before you did not exist. I
would not have stood there on the grass,
head tipped up to where you once bud – a
cutout memory in already drifting fog – and I
would not have let the rain fall into my
open mouth as I thought about how easy
it would be, how easy it could be to finally drown.
Miscarriage or spontaneous abortion is the natural or spontaneous end of a pregnancy at a stage where the prenate is incapable of surviving, generally defined in humans at prior to 20 weeks of gestation. Miscarriage is the most common complication of early pregnancy.1 The medical term "spontaneous abortion" is used in reference to miscarriages because the medical term "abortion" refers to any terminated pregnancy, deliberately induced or spontaneous, although in common parlance it refers specifically to active termination of pregnancy.



"miscarriage "
im so happy chrismas came in july.
Wednesday Feb 2014
We always said we didn’t know what we would do without each other
But we did know

We’d only known each other for two years

I wasn’t there when your parents split up and each remarried
or when you had to get stitches on your face
or watched your first scary movie

And you weren’t there when I smoked my first cigarette
or tried to **** myself when I was 13
or when I won that soccer game my freshman year

The last time we had *** we were in a rush
because we had school in 37 minutes
and so we made it sloppy and fast in your shower
and then we drove to school together with wet hair and we laughed

The last time we had *** I got pregnant

This wasn’t one of those scares where you’re two weeks late
so you buy a few cheap tests and it’s negative
so you stash the rest in the back of your drawer and forget about it

I got pregnant on the first day of June and I never told you

I miscarried on the last day of August
and you never even knew how close you came to being a father

We stopped talking and I couldn’t even tell you
how I was stunned into silence when I realized I was going to be a mother and then knew I had to keep it a secret

Knew I had to keep our dark haired future to myself

So here it is the end of February

I should have been having the baby this week or next
and you NEVER EVEN KNEW

I watch you say how much you love this little 15 year old girl
you’ve been dating for six months

I miscarried the day you started dating so tell me that was just a

coincidence

But don't you dare ever tell me you don't know what you'd do without me
Well, I guess you wouldn't anymore

Seeing as how you don't want me
Mick Oct 2018
where it starts
1. your girlfriend will have a miscarriage
for the second time
and you, you'll start using needles
THERE WILL BE NO DIRECT CORRELATION BETWEEN THESE TWO THINGS
but you tell yourself
a daughter is what would make life worth living
and subsequently what it takes to get you sober

2. you lose your job
because you're always in the bathroom missing veins
loss of job will inevitably spiral into an
"intolerable depression"
or
"extended sadness"
or
"whatever version of this is easiest to swallow"

3. you get to spend every holiday from your birthday until The Day She Dies sitting next to your mother's hospital bed
(except for when you're always in the bathroom, missing veiins)

LATER
your sister reassures you that mom didn't know the way you also choked back guilt with all the bile and unpleasant things in your trips to the restroom
but for now you will hate yourself
hate the sticky needles
and hate the way your girlfriend leaves all her ghosts behind when she leaves you

4. you find that bathroom floors are your new home
splayed out after your 8th overdose
jail cells are just a normal tuesday
and you keep waking up to razor blades left neatly on your pillow

where it ends

5. giving up ****** is like pulling teeth
messy and painful but typically necessary
and so hard to do alone
Deity Oct 2012
I'm the villain, but how was I supposed to know he had a wife and two children. Twenty-three years of marriage and she contemplates her happily ever after coming to an end……after a miscarriage, another child's death, 23 anniversaries, and 23 year old twins. My sugar daddy lead a double life, but how, how, how……was I supposed to know that he had a wife? It should've registered to me how he always wanted to skip out of town, but how could he lie to his goddess and not see her standing before him in her wedding gown. She hates me……She hates me and I don't blame her, if she decides to **** me and him both, I hope they don't tame her. When this woman walked in with her husband's **** inside of me I felt a rush of excitement, rode him harder and looked her in the eyes as I did it……painful mistakes you make when you're *** addicted. They'll think about how Dad's fake girlfriend is younger than them, but they won't understand, she'll wonder why he stepped out on her with a stripper young enough to be their resting daughter………as she thinks of a backup plan. I know this is wrong, but I might be in love, and this is strong. There's black and there's white, and grey will never be right. But this grey is my sin escalating to a whole new level, I can't leave this man alone………for I am his cruel devil.
1.

Minds break apart at midnight,
piece together in dreamless sleep.

Robert Lowell poaches pen-and-ink
drawings for Life Studies.
Sylvia Plath dons Ariel’s red dress,
but loses Ariadne’s thread.  

Lowell raises For the Union Dead,
mythic monument to his family’s best.
Pigeons decorate it with their ***** mess.
Plath pins a ******* to her chest —  
shockingly pink —
and stands beside the kitchen sink,

Stirring a *** of poet’s gruel.
Madness and death the golden rule
no artistry can break. Not even the careless
reader can take leave of these senses

Once they’re rendered on the page.
Confession doesn’t age well,
as Lowell knows oh so well,

unless it suggests more substantial fare,
say, a flannel bathrobe for him to wear
in a Boston psychiatric ward — if he dares.

There’s something wrong with his head.
Crown him Caligula; his lineage has fled.

“What does that have to do with me, Daddy?” Plath artfully whines.
“Fill the tulip jars with red water, not wine,” he replies.
“The bridegroom cometh. Turn off the oven.”
But it is too late. She has met her fate before it predeceases her.

Like a teacher’s pet, she bets her life on a recitation
of Daddy, a term of endearment,
a term of interment in a stark, loveless miscarriage,
a dark, masculine disparagement of her freedom. O Daddy dearest.

Lowell shoots up to salute the younger poet, guessing
she has given the year’s best reading by a girl in red dresses.

At this stage, what does it matter that his “mind’s not right”?
What can he do but give up his right to pray, as every insight
       slips away?

But no Our Father for Plath. For her, the Kingdom comes too late.
Colossal poetry cannot save; the poet raves and raves and raves
       into that dark night.
Turn off the oven, turn out the lights. Daddy, too, is not right.

2.

Blake fired his Proverbs of Hell
in the dull, damning kilns
of England’s Industrial Age.

A poet’s no sage, but Lowell earned
his wings when he doctored Blake’s phrase:
“I myself am hell.”

A stone angel directs his descent:

Fortune favors the bold.

Never discount the power of chance.

Affliction of the senses is a gift.

Invisible seeks invisible.

Darkness obscures our limits.

We carry darkness within us.

Anarchy breeds spirit.

Artistry breeds no merit.

Appropriate beauty, at all costs,
whether, man, beast or angel
.

3.

Poetry births an artifact of words; we unearth them, and they adhere.
We bury them, and they fall flat — hollow sounds, futile splats,
       prehistoric grunts ground into the ground.

Bathed in lithium and alcohol, here bobs your calling, Robert:
Everything matters; nothing coheres.
Build a shell of a soul on this maxim, a notebook of negation.  
       Grind your axes.

Sanctuaries may crumble, gates may close. Press on. Press on.
Corkscrew your identity into the iambic line; rouse the reader to find
the misleading promise of Eternity in the sonnet, the sonnet,
       the endless sonnet.

For minds lost in madness, tree limbs dangle like kite tails in the wind. No one flies here anymore. Gather reddened kindling while ye may.

What exiles you from the ancients — Homer, Virgil and Horace —
springs from vision, not technique: You lack the requisite blindness.

Absence absents the soul. Here, now, forever, shimmers only presence,
only the present, only Presence: divine, human, animal, marmoreal.
       Skunks, sails, cars and pails. Sing on, O son of New England!

Day by day, failing all, fill your void with fiery
hieroglyphs of verse. Then call your duty done.

4.

Behold: You are not the favorite, after all, but Camus’ stranger,
trapped in the blinding sun, stumbling on the burning sand.

Only what dies in you endures.

“Is getting well ever an art,
or art a way to get well?”

The skunks scurry, scavenge and survive far too long for you to answer.

You lie down beside orange fishnets, facing the shore.
At midnight, you will dream of dreamless sleep.
To follow the development of this poem, it's important to know the works and lives of the confessional poets Robert Lowell and Sylvia Plath. If you are unfamiliar with them, I suggest you first read "Skunk Hour" by Lowell and then "Daddy" by Plath. Short biographies would help, too.
eileen mcgreevy Jan 2010
I woke up, what a **** day,
When i realised you'd gone away,
I fought for you, but try i might,
You left me, in a dream of fright.

He said"Positive", and i cried,
The joy i could not hide,
I rested, as i was told,
And i felt you grow.

I slept while in a nap,
And i loved the sleepy swap,
But in a daze i felt,
A sharp twinge, like a welt.

I woke and knew straight off,
That you had become cross,
And wanted to leave me,
You yearned to be so free.

The doctors said," i'm sorry",
But you sure took the glory,
I'm left here without you,
I hope they appreciate you!

goodbye baby

(c) eileenmcgreevy@ymail.com
Roz K Feb 2010
I can smell  the fresh paint,

thinking it should be blue

for the future small you.

I rub my belly watching for growth

of the child you put inside of me by force.

Of course not to be out done,even by

yourself, violently you took my child away

kicked him from my womb.

Laughing as the blood ran down my thighs

in tiny trickles  like sinister kisses,

from a lovers soft lips.

And when I awoke,

I found I had not escaped

and yet my small babies fate

lay in a pool of blood

in the already ruined rug.
Sarina Feb 2014
My own body is abandoning me,
the flesh and blood falling out like clumps of hair.
I never wanted a second heartbeat –
already have one too many

but it came with
a full moon; my cycle in its final stage,
to purge and be young again

purge and be hollow.
He or she has whispered, vital things can leave
too, stain your thighs
red like footprints down a path. He or she found the
door easily. I whisper back, you were

a light
too bright for my house
so you set the whole thing on fire.

Ashes, singed skin
float from my crevices like a cloud –

I did not know that
some things can take up too much air before they
even need it
or that I can mourn what
I would have wanted dead anyway. It is

like everything I could
never love
just wants to remain a pink bloom on my *******
until I wish they would have stayed.
Sorry I haven't posted poems recently. Things have happened.
Auroleus May 2014
The meta-critical physicist ****** a
****** cyst over in a Starbucks bathroom,
only the prickly ***** picked
a ****** to do it in,
leaving in his wake beside the cake
floating in a rancid lake
What looked to be a
Big Mistake
+27736613276 The Abortion Pill: Medical Abortion with Mifepristone and Misoprostol What is the Medical Abortion?

Medical abortion is a procedure that uses various medications to end a pregnancy. A medical abortion is started either in a doctors office or at home with visits to your health care provider.

Medical abortion doesn't require anaesthesia or surgery, but it should be done early in pregnancy. Unlike a surgical procedure, a medical abortion usually is done without entering the ******.

During the procedure Medical abortion can be done using the following medications:

Oral mifepristone and oral misoprostol. This is the most common type of medical abortion, likely due to the ease of oral rather than vaginal dosing. These medications must be taken within seven weeks of the first day of your last period. Mifepristone (mif-uh-PRIS-tone) — also known as RU-486 — blocks the action of the hormone progesterone, causing the lining of the ****** to thin and preventing the embryo from staying implanted and growing.

Misoprostol (my-so-PROS-tol) causes the ****** to contract and expel the embryo through the ******. If you choose this type of medical abortion, you must visit your health care provider twice to take the medications and then afterward to make sure the abortion is complete.

Methotrexate injection and vaginal misoprostol. This type of medical abortion must be done within seven weeks of the first day of your last period. Methotrexate is given as a shot by your health care provider and the misoprostol is later used at home. You must visit your health care provider within a week of getting a methotrexate shot for an ultrasound to confirm if the abortion is complete. If the pregnancy continues, another dose of misoprostol will be given.

Vaginal misoprostol alone. This method may be used over a broader range of gestational ages, but requires scheduling multiple doses of the medication. Vaginal misoprostol alone can be effective in promoting the completion of a miscarriage — a spontaneous abortion where the embryo has died.

The medications used in a medical abortion cause vaginal bleeding and abdominal cramping. They may also cause: Nausea, Vomiting, Fever, Chills, Diarrhea, Headache.

You may be given medications to manage pain during and after the medical abortion. You may also be given antibiotics. Your health care provider will explain how much pain and bleeding to expect, depending on the number of weeks of your pregnancy. You might not be able to go about your normal daily routine during this time, but it's unlikely you'll need bed rest. Make sure you have plenty of absorbent sanitary pads.

If you have a medical abortion in a health care provider's office or clinic, you'll have a pelvic exam before you're given additional doses of misoprostol to see if the foetus has been expelled. The frequency and strength of your uterine contractions also will be monitored. While the most discomfort may last one to two hours, spotting before and bleeding after could last two weeks.

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Morgan Aug 2013
I woke up in a pool of my own blood
Stood out of bed with shaking legs
Felt it drip down my thighs
Made it to the bathroom
Threw up twice &
Cried
And I cried
And I cried
And I was cold
For an hour or so
Then I sweat until
I couldn't catch my breath
And I sweat
And I sweat
And I swore I wouldn't blame you
For the nightmares that would follow
Swore I wouldn't blame you for the pain
But you didn't sit at the edge of my bed
You didn't sing me to sleep
When I needed it most
I walked outside
Once I felt strong enough to move
I contemplated getting in my car
I wanted to make it to the hospital
But I knew part of me didn't want to make it
Out alive
So I sat down
On a lawn chair
And lit a cigarette
I pulled my knees up to my chest
To avoid the shattered wine glasses
Below my feet
The wind blew lightly
Rocked the water in the pool beside me
I wanted to dive in
But I knew part of me wouldn't want to
Swim back up
So I sat
On a lawn chair
With my knees up to my chest
For eight hours
And when the night swallowed the sky
I cried
And I cried
And you didn't sing me to sleep
You never do anymore
And I swore I wouldn't blame you
But it's getting harder to stay true
Knowing that a part of you
Died inside me
A part of you died inside me
I'm sorry
But the same part of you will be the death of me
I swear
And that's a promise I will keep
I'm sorry
HIGHLIGHTS OF PRESCRIBING INFORMATION
These highlights do not include all the information needed to us e
M-M-R II safely and effectively. See full prescribing information
for M-M-R II.
M-M-R® II (Measles, Mumps, and Rubella Virus Vaccine Live)
Suspension for subcutaneous injection
Initial U.S. Approv al: 1978
-------------------------------INDICATIONS AND USAGE-------------------------------
M-M-R II is a vaccine indicated for active immunization for the
prevention of measles, mumps, and rubella in individuals 12 months of
age and older. (1)
-------------------------- DOSAGE AND ADMINISTRATION--------------------------
Administer a 0.5-mL dose of M-M-R II subcutaneously. (2.1)
• The first dose is administered at 12 to 15 months of age. (2.1)
• The second dose is administered at 4 to 6 years of age. (2.1)
------------------------DOSAGE FORMS AND STRENGTHS -----------------------
Suspension for injection (0.5-mL dose) supplied as a lyophilized
vaccine to be reconstituted using accompanying sterile diluent. (3)
---------------------------------- CONTRAINDICATIONS ----------------------------------
• Hypersensitivity to any componentof the vaccine. (4.1)
• Immunosuppression. (4.2)
• Moderate or severe febrile illness. (4.3)
• Active untreated tuberculosis. (4.4)
• Pregnancy. (4.5, 8.1)
-------------------------- WARNINGS AND PRECAUTIONS --------------------------
• Use caution when administering M-M-R II to individuals with a
history of febrile seizures. (5.1)
• Use caution when administering M-M-R II to individuals with
anaphylaxis or immediate hypersensitivity following egg ingestion.
(5.2)
• Use caution when administering M-M-R II to individuals with a
history of thrombocytopenia. (5.3)
• Immune Globulins (IG) and other blood products should not be
given concurrently with M-M-R II. (5.4, 7.2)
----------------------------------ADVERSE REACTIONS----------------------------------
See full prescribing information for adverse reactions occurring duri ng
clinical trialsor the post-marketing period. (6)
To report SUSPECTED ADVERSE REACTIONS, contact Merck
Sharp & Dohme Corp., a subsidiary of Merck & Co., Inc., at 1-8 7 7 -
888-4231 or VAERS at 1-800-822-7967 or www.vaers.hhs.gov.
-----------------------------------DRUG INTERACTIONS----------------------------------
• Administration of immune globulins and other blood products
concurrently with M-M-R II vaccine may interfere with the
expected immune response. (7.2)
• M-M-R II vaccination may result in a temporary depression of
purified protein derivative (PPD) tuberculin skin sensitivity. (7.3)
-------------------------- USE IN SPECIFIC POPULATIONS--------------------------
• Pregnancy: Do not administer M-M-R II to females who are
pregnant. Pregnancy should be avoided for 1 month following
vaccination with M-M-R II. (4.5, 8.1, 17)
See 17 for PATIENT COUNSELING INFORMATION and FDA
approv ed patient labeling.
Rev ised: 06/2020
FULL PRESCRIBING INFORMATION: CONTENTS
1 INDICATIONS AND USAGE
2 DOSAGE AND ADMINISTRATION
2.1 Dose and Schedule
2.2 Preparation andAdministration
3 DOSAGE FORMS AND STRENGTHS
4 CONTRAINDICATIONS
4.1 Hypersensitivity
4.2 Immunosuppression
4.3 Moderate or Severe Febrile Illness
4.4 Active Untreated Tuberculosis
4.5 Pregnancy
5 WARNINGS AND PRECAUTIONS
5.1 Febrile Seizure
5.2 Hypersensitivity to Eggs
5.3 Thrombocytopenia
5.4 Immune Globulins and Transfusions
6 ADVERSE REACTIONS
7 DRUG INTERACTIONS
7.1 Corticosteroids and Immunosuppressive Drugs
7.2 Immune Globulinsand Transfusions
7.3 Tuberculin Skin Testing
7.4 Use with Other Live Viral Vaccines
8 USE IN SPECIFIC POPULATIONS
8.1 Pregnancy
8.2 Lactation
8.4 Pediatric Use
8.5 Geriatric Use
11 DESCRIPTION
12 CLINICAL PHARMACOLOGY
12.1 Mechanism of Action
12.6 Persistence of Antibody Responses After Vaccination
13 NONCLINICAL TOXICOLOGY
13.1 Carcinogenesis, Mutagenesis, Impairment of Fertility
14 CLINICAL STUDIES
14.1 Clinical Efficacy
14.2 Immunogenicity
15 REFERENCES
16 HOW SUPPLIED/STORAGE AND HANDLING
17 PATIENT COUNSELING INFORMATION
Sections or subsections omitted from the full prescribing info rma tion
are not listed.
2
FULL PRESCRIBING INFORMATION
1 INDICATIONS AND USAGE
M-M-R® II is a vaccine indicated for active immunization for the prevention of measles, mumps, and
rubella in individuals 12 months of age and older.
2 DOSAGE AND ADMINISTRATION
For subcutaneous use only.
2.1 Dose and Schedule
Each 0.5 mL dose is administered subcutaneously.
The first dose is administered at 12 to 15 months of age. A second dose is administered at 4 to 6
years of age.
The second dose may be administered prior to 4 years of age, provided that there is a minimum
interval of one month between the doses of measles, mumps and rubella virus vaccine, live {1-2}.
Children who received an initial dose of measles, mumps and rubella vaccine prior to their first
birthday should receive additional doses of vaccine at 12-15 months of age and at 4-6 years of age to
complete the vaccination series [see Clinical Studies (14.2)].
For post-exposure prophylaxis for measles, administer a dose of M-M-R II vaccine within 72 hours
after exposure.
2.2 Preparation and Administration
Use a sterile syringe free of preservatives, antiseptics, and detergents for each injection and/or
reconstitution of the vaccine because these substances may inactivate the live virus vaccine. To
reconstitute, use only the diluent supplied with the vaccine since it is free of preservatives or other
antiviral substances which might inactivate the vaccine.
Withdraw the entire volume of the supplied diluent from its vial and inject into lyophilized vaccine vial.
Agitate to dissolve completely. Discard if the lyophilized vaccine cannot be dissolved.
Withdraw the entire volume of the reconstituted vaccine and inject subcutaneously into the outer
aspect of the upper arm (deltoid region) or into the higher anterolateral area of the thigh.
Parenteral drug products should be inspected visually for particulate matter and discoloration prior to
administration, whenever solution and container permit. Visually inspect the vaccine before and after
reconstitution prior to administration. Before reconstitution, the lyophilized vaccine is a light yellow
compact crystalline plug, when reconstituted, is a clear yellow liquid. Discard if particulate matter or
discoloration are observed in the reconstituted vaccine.
To minimize loss of potency, administer M-M-R II as soon as possible after reconstitution. If not used
immediately, the reconstituted vaccine may be stored between 36°F to 46°F (2°C to 8°C), protected from
light, for up to 8 hours. Discard reconstituted vaccine if it is not used within 8 hours.
3 DOSAGE FORMS AND STRENGTHS
M-M-R II vaccine is a suspension for injection supplied as a single dose vial of lyophilized vaccine to
be reconstituted using the accompanying sterile diluent [see Dosage and Administration (2.2) and How
Supplied/Storage and Handling (16)]. A single dose after reconstitution is 0.5 mL.
4 CONTRAINDICATIONS
4.1 Hypersensitivity
Do not administer M-M-R II vaccine to individuals with a history of hypersensitivity to any component
of the vaccine (including gelatin) {3} or who have experienced a hypersensitivity reaction following
administration of a previous dose of M-M-R II vaccine or any other measles, mumps and rubellacontaining vaccine. Do not administer M-M-R II vaccine to individuals with a history of anaphylaxis to
neomycin [see Description (11)].
4.2 Immunosuppression
Do not administer M-M-R II vaccine to individuals who are immunodeficient or immunosuppressed due
to disease or medical therapy. Measles inclusion body encephalitis {4} (MIBE), pneumonitis {5} and death
as a direct consequence of disseminated measles vaccine virus infection have been reported in
3
immunocompromised individuals inadvertently vaccinated with measles-containing vaccine. In this
population, disseminated mumps and rubella vaccine virus infection have also been reported.
Do not administer M-M-R II to individuals with a family history of congenital or hereditary
immunodeficiency, until the immune competence of the potential vaccine recipient is demonstrated.
4.3 Moderate or Severe Febrile Illness
Do not administer M-M-R II vaccine to individuals with an active febrile illness with fever >101.3F
(>38.5C).
4.4 Active Untreated Tuberculosis
Do not administer M-M-R II vaccine to individuals with active untreated tuberculosis (TB).
4.5 Pregnancy
Do not administer M-M-R II to individuals who are pregnant or who are planning on becoming
pregnant within the next month [see Use in Specific Populations (8.1) and Patient Counseling Information
(17)].
5 WARNINGS AND PRECAUTIONS
5.1 Febrile Seizure
There is a risk of fever and associated febrile seizure in the first 2 weeks following immunization with
M-M-R II vaccine. For children who have experienced a previous febrile seizure (from any cause) and
those with a family history of febrile seizures there is a small increase in risk of febrile seizure following
receipt of M-M-R II vaccine [see Adverse Reactions (6)].
5.2 Hypersensitivity to Eggs
Individuals with a history of anaphylactic, anaphylactoid, or other immediate reactions (e.g., hives,
swelling of the mouth and throat, difficulty breathing, hypotension, or shock) subsequent to egg ingestion
may be at an enhanced risk of immediate-type hypersensitivity reactions after receiving M-M-R II vaccine
.The potential risks and known benefits should be evaluated before considering vaccination in these
individuals.
5.3 Thrombocytopenia
Transient thrombocytopenia has been reported within 4-6 weeks following vaccination with measles,
mumps and rubella vaccine. Carefully evaluate the potential risk and benefit of vaccination in children
with thrombocytopenia or in those who experienced thrombocytopenia after vaccination with a previous
dose of measles, mumps, and rubella vaccine {6-8} [see Adverse Reactions (6)].
5.4 Immune Globulins and Transfusions
Immune Globulins (IG) and other blood products should not be given concurrently with M-M-R II [see
Drug Interactions (7.2)]. These products may contain antibodies that interfere with vaccine virus
replication and decrease the expected immune response.
The ACIP has specific recommendations for intervals between administration of antibody containing
products and live virus vaccines.
6 ADVERSE REACTIONS
The following adverse reactions include those identified during clinical trials or reported during postapproval use of M-M-R II vaccine or its individual components.
Body as a Whole
Panniculitis; atypical measles; fever; syncope; headache; dizziness; malaise; irritability.
Cardiovascular System
Vasculitis.
Digestive System
Pancreatitis; diarrhea; vomiting; parotitis; nausea.
Hematologic and Lymphatic Systems
Thrombocytopenia; purpura; regional lymphadenopathy; leukocytosis.
Immune System
Anaphylaxis, anaphylactoid reactions, angioedema (including peripheral or ****** edema) and
bronchial spasm.
Musculoskeletal System
Arthritis; arthralgia; myalgia.
4
Nervous System
Encephalitis; encephalopathy; measles inclusion body encephalitis (MIBE) subacute sclerosing
panencephalitis (SSPE); Guillain-Barré Syndrome (GBS); acute disseminated encephalomyelitis (ADEM);
transverse myelitis; febrile convulsions; afebrile convulsions or seizures; ataxia; polyneuritis;
polyneuropathy; ocular palsies; paresthesia.
Respiratory System
Pneumonia; pneumonitis; sore throat; cough; rhinitis.
Skin
Stevens-Johnson syndrome; acute hemorrhagic edema of infancy; Henoch-Schönlein purpura;
erythema multiforme; urticaria; rash; measles-like rash; pruritus; injection site reactions (pain, erythema,
swelling and vesiculation).
Special Senses — Ear
Nerve deafness; otitis media.
Special Senses — Eye
Retinitis; optic neuritis; papillitis; conjunctivitis.
Urogenital System
Epididymitis; orchitis.
7 DRUG INTERACTIONS
7.1 Corticosteroids and Immunosuppressive Drugs
M-M-R II vaccine should not be administered to individuals receiving immunosuppressive therapy,
including high dose corticosteroids. Vaccination with M-M-R II vaccine can result in disseminated disease
due to measles vaccine in individuals on immunosuppressive drugs [see Contraindications (4.2)].
7.2 Immune Globulinsand Transfusions
Administration of immune globulins and other blood products concurrently with M-M-R II vaccine may
interfere with the expected immune response {9-11} [see Warnings and Precautions (5.4)]. The ACIP has
specific recommendations for intervals between administration of antibody containing products and live
virus vaccines.
7.3 Tuberculin Skin Testing
It has been reported that live attenuated measles, mumps and rubella virus vaccines given individually
may result in a temporary depression of tuberculin skin sensitivity. Therefore, if a tuberculin skin test with
tuberculin purified protein derivative (PPD) is to be done, it should be administered before, simultaneously
with, or at least 4 to 6 weeks after vaccination with M-M-R II vaccine.
7.4 Use with Other Live Viral Vaccines
M-M-R II vaccine can be administered concurrently with other live viral vaccines. If not given
concurrently, M-M-R II vaccine should be given one month before or one month after administration of
other live viral vaccines to avoid potential for immune interference.
8 USE IN SPECIFIC POPULATIONS
8.1 Pregnancy
Risk Summary
M-M-R II vaccine is contraindicated for use in pregnant women because infection during pregnancy
with the wild-type viruses has been associated with maternal and fetal adverse outcomes.
Increased rates of spontaneous abortion, stillbirth, premature delivery and congenital defects have
been observed following infection with wild-type measles during pregnancy. {12,13} Wild-type mumps
infection during the first trimester of pregnancy may increase the rate of spontaneous abortion.
Infection with wild-type rubella during pregnancy can lead to miscarriage or stillbirth. If rubella infection
occurs during the first trimester of pregnancy, it can result in severe congenital defects, Congenital
Rubella Syndrome (CRS). Congenital rubella syndrome in the infant includes but is not limited to eye
manifestations (cataracts, glaucoma, retinitis), congenital heart defects, hearing loss, microcephaly, and
intellectual disabilities. M-M-R II vaccine contains live attenuated measles, mumps and rubella viruses. It
is not known whether M-M-R II vaccine can cause fetal harm when administered to pregnant woman.
There are no adequate and well-controlled studies of M-M-R II vaccine administration to pregnant
women.
5
All pregnancies have a risk of birth defect, loss or other adverse outcomes. In the US general
population, the estimated background risk of major birth defects and miscarriage in clinically recognized
pregnancies is 2% to 4% and 15% to 20%, respectively.
Available data suggest the rates of major birth defects and miscarriage in women who received
M-M-R II vaccine within 30 days prior to pregnancy or during pregnancy are consistent with estimated
background rates (see Data).
Data
Human Data
A cumulative assessment of post-marketing reports for M-M-R II vaccine from licensure 01 April 1978
through 31 December 2018, identified 796 reports of inadvertent administration of M-M-R II vaccine
occurring 30 days before or at any time during pregnancy with known pregnancy outcomes. Of the
prospectively followed pregnancies for whom the timing of M-M-R II vaccination was known, 425 women
received M-M-R II vaccine during the 30 days prior to conception through the second trimester. The
outcomes for these 425 prospectively followed pregnancies included 16 infants with major birth defects, 4
cases of fetal death and 50 cases of miscarriage. No abnormalities compatible with congenital rubella
syndrome have been identified in patients who received M-M-R II vaccine. Rubella vaccine viruses can
cross the placenta, leading to asymptomatic infection of the fetus. Mumps vaccine virus has also been
shown to infect the placenta {14}, but there is no evidence that it causes congenital malformations or
disease in the fetus or infant .
The CDC established the Vaccine in Pregnancy registry (1971-1989) of women who had received
rubella vaccines within 3 months before or after conception. Data on 1221 inadvertently vaccinated
pregnant women demonstrated no evidence of an increase in fetal abnormalities or cases of Congenital
Rubella Syndrome (CRS) in the enrolled women {15}.
8.2 Lactation
Risk Summary
It is not known whether measles or mumps vaccine virus is secreted in human milk. Studies have
shown that lactatingpostpartum women vaccinated with live attenuated rubella vaccine may secrete the
virus in breast milk and transmit it to breast-fed infants.{16,17} In the breast-fed infants with serological
evidence of rubella virus vaccine strain antibodies, none exhibited severe disease; however, one
exhibited mild clinical illness typical of acquired rubella.{18,19}
The developmental and health benefits of breastfeeding should be considered along with the mother’s
clinical need for M-M-R II, and any potential adverse effects on the breastfed child from M-M-R II or from
the underlying maternal condition. For preventive vaccines, the underlying maternal condition is
susceptibility to disease prevented by the vaccine.
8.4 Pediatric Use
M-M-R II vaccine is not approved for individuals less than 12 months of age. Safety and effectiveness
of measles vaccine in infants below the age of 6 months have not been established [see Clinical Studies
(14)]. Safety and effectiveness of mumps and rubella vaccine in infants less than 12 months of age have
not been established.
8.5 Geriatric Use
Clinical studies of M-M-R II did not include sufficient numbers of seronegative subjects aged 65 and
over to determine whether they respond differently from younger subjects.
11 Description
M-M-R II vaccine is a sterile lyophilized preparation of (1) Measles Virus Vaccine Live, an attenuated
line of measles virus, derived from Enders' attenuated Edmonston strain and propagated in chick embryo
cell culture; (2) Mumps Virus Vaccine Live, the Jeryl Lynn™ (B level) strain of mumps virus propagated in
chick embryo cell culture; and (3) Rubella Virus Vaccine Live, the Wistar RA 27/3 strain of live attenuated
rubella virus propagated in WI-38 human diploid lung fibroblasts. {20,21} The cells, virus pools,
recombinant human serum albumin and fetal bovine serum used in manufacturing are tested and
determined to be free of adventitious agents.
After reconstitution, each 0.5 mL dose contains not less than 3.0 log10 TCID50 (tissue culture infectious
doses) of measles virus; 4.1 log10 TCID50 of mumps virus; and 3.0 log10 TCID50 of rubella virus.
Each dose is calculated to contain sorbitol (14.5 mg), sucrose(1.9 mg), hydrolyzed gelatin (14.5 mg),
recombinant human albumin (≤0.3 mg), fetal bovine serum (<1 ppm), approximately 25 mcg of neomycin
and other buffer and media ingredients. The product contains no preservative.
6
12 CLINICAL PHARMACOLOGY
12.1 Mechanism of Action
M-M-R II vaccination induces antibodies to measles, mumps, and rubella associated with protection
which can be measured by neutralization assays, hemagglutination-inhibition (HI) assays, or enzyme
linked immunosorbent assay (ELISA) tests. Results from efficacy studies or effectivenes s studies that
were previously conducted for the component vaccines of M-M-R II were used to define levels of serum
antibodies that correlated with protection against measles, mumps, and rubella [see Clinical Studies (14)].
12.6 Persistence of Antibody Responses After Vaccination
Neutralizing and ELISA antibodies to measles, mumps, and rubella viruses are still detectable in 95-
100%, 74-91%, and 90-100% of individuals respectively, 11 to 13 years after primary vaccination. {22-28}
13 NONCLINICAL TOXICOLOGY
13.1 Carcinogenesis, Mutagenesis, Impairment of Fertility
M-M-R II vaccine has not been evaluated for carcinogenic or mutagenic potential or impairment of
fertility.
14 CLINICAL STUDIES
14.1 Clinical Efficacy
Efficacy of measles, mumps, and rubella vaccines was established in a series of double-blind
controlled trials. {29-34} These studies also established that seroconversion in response to vaccination
against measles, mumps and rubella paralleled protection. {35-38}
14.2 Immunogenicity
Clinical studies enrolling 284 triple seronegative children, 11 months to 7 years of age, demonstrated
that M-M-R II vaccine is immunogenic. In these studies, a single injection of the vaccine induced measles
HI antibodies in 95%, mumps neutralizing antibodies in 96%, and rubella HI antibodies in 99% of
susceptible individuals.
A study of 6-month-old and 15-month-old infants born to mothers vaccinated with a measles vaccine in
childhood, demonstrated that, following infant and toddler vaccination with Measles Virus Vaccine, Live
(previously US-licensed, manufactured by Merck), 74% of the 6-month-old infants developed detectable
neutralizing antibody titers while 100% of the 15-month-old infants vaccinated with Measles Virus
Vaccine, Live or M-M-R II vaccine developed neutralizing antibodies {39}. When the 6-month-old infants
of immunized mothers were revaccinated at 15 months with M-M-R II vaccine, they developed antibody
titers similar to those of toddlers who were vaccinated previously at 15-months of age.
15 REFERENCES
1. General Recommendations on Immunization, Recommendations of the Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices, MMWR
43(RR-1): 1-38, January 28, 1994.
2. Measles, Mumps, and Rubella — Vaccine Use and Strategies for Elimination of Measles, Rubella, a n d Co n g e nita l Ru b e lla
Syndrome and Control of Mumps: Recommendations of the Advisory Committee on Immunization Practice s (ACIP), M M WR
47(RR-8): May 22, 1998.
3. Kelso, J.M.; Jones, R.T.; Yunginger, J.W.: Anaphylaxis to measles, mumps, and rubella vaccine mediated by IgE to gel atin , J.
Allergy Clin. Immunol. 91: 867-872, 1993.
4. Bitnum, A.; et al: Measles Inclusion Body Encephalitis Caused by the Vaccine Strain of Measles Virus. Cl i n . In fect. Di s. 2 9 :
855-861, 1999.
5. Angel, J.B.; et al: Vaccine Associated Measles Pneumonitis in an Adult with AIDS. Annals of Internal Medicine, 129: 1 0 4 -1 06 ,
1998.
6. Cecinati V, et al. Vaccine administration and the development of immune thrombocyto pe ni c p urp u ra i n ch i ld re n. Hu m an
Vaccines & Immunotherapeutics 9:5, 2013.
7. Mantadakis E, Farmaki E, Buchanan GR. Thrombocytopenic Purpura after Measles-Mumps-Rubella Vaccination: A Systematic
Review of the Literature and Guidance for Management. J Ped 156(4): 2010.
8. Andrews N, Stowe J, Miller E, Svanstrom H, Johansen K, Bonhoeffer J, et al. A collaborative approach to investigating th e ri sk
of thrombocytopenic purpura after measles-mumps-rubella vaccination in England and Denmark. Vaccine. 2012;30:3042‐6.
9. Rubella Prevention: Recommendation of the Immunization Practices Advisory Committee (ACIP), MM WR 3 9 (RR-1 5 ): 1 -1 8 ,
November 23, 1990.
7
10. Peter, G.; et al (eds): Report of the Committee on Infectious Diseases, Twenty-fourth Edition, American Academy of Pediatri cs,
344-357, 1997.
11. Measles Prevention: Recommendations of the Immunization Practices Advisory Committee (ACIP), MMWR 38(S-9): 5-22,
December 29, 1989.
12. Eberhart-Phillips, J.E.; et al: Measles in pregnancy: a descriptive study of 58 cases. Obstetrics and Gynecology, 82(5): 797-801,
November 1993.
13. Jespersen, C.S.; et al: Measles as a cause of fetal defects: A retrospective study of ten measles epidemics in Greenland. Acta
Paediatr Scand. 66: 367-372, May 1977.
14. Yamauchi T, Wilson C, Geme JW Jr. Transmission of live, attenuated mumps virus to the hu m a n p l ace n ta . N En g l J M e d .
1974;290(13):710‐712.
15. Rubella Vaccination during Pregnancy —United States, 1971-1988. JAMA. 1989;261(23):3374–3383.
16. Losonsky, G.A.; Fishaut, J.M.; Strussenber, J.; Ogra, P.L.: Effect of immunization against rubella on lactation products. II.
Maternal-neonatal interactions, J. Infect. Dis. 145: 661-666,1982.
17. Losonsky, G.A.; Fishaut, J.M.; Strussenber, J.; Ogra, P.L.: Effect of immunization against rubella on lactation products. I.
Development and characterization of specific immunologic reactivity in breast milk, J. Infect. Dis. 145: 654-660, 1982.
18. Landes, R.D.; Bass, J.W.; Millunchick, E.W.; Oetgen, W.J.: Neonatal rubella following postpartum maternal i mm un izatio n , J.
Pediatr. 97: 465-467, 1980.
19. Lerman, S.J.: Neonatal rubella following postpartum maternal immunization, J. Pediatr. 98: 668, 1981. (Letter)
20. Plotkin, S.A.; Cornfeld, D.; Ingalls, T.H.: Studiesof immunization with living rubella virus: Trialsin children with a strain culture d
from an aborted fetus, Am. J. Dis. Child. 110: 381-389, 1965.
21. Plotkin, S.A.; Farquhar, J.; Katz, M.; Ingalls, T.H.: A new attenuated rubella virus grown in human fi bro b la sts: Evi d e n ce fo r
reduced nasopharyngeal excretion, Am. J. Epidemiol. 86: 468-477, 1967.
22. Weibel, R.E.; Carlson, A.J.; Villarejos, V.M.; Buynak, E.B.; McLean, A.A.; Hilleman, M.R.: Clinical and Labo ra tory Stu d ie s o f
Combined Live Measles, Mumps, and Rubella Vaccines Using the RA 27/3 Rubella Virus, Proc. So c. Exp . Bi ol. M e d. 1 6 5 :
323-326, 1980.
23. Watson, J.C.; Pearson, J.S.; Erdman, D.D.; et al: An Evaluation of Measles RevaccinationAmong School-Entry Age Ch i ld re n,
31st Interscience Conference on Antimicrobial Agents and Chemotherapy, Abstract #268, 143, 1991.
24. Unpublished data from the files of Merck Research Laboratories.
25. Davidkin, I.; Jokinen, S.; Broman, M. et al.: Persistence of Measles, Mumps, and Rubella Antibodies in a n M M R -Va ccina ted
Cohort: A 20-Year Follow-up, JID 197:950–6, April 2008.
26. LeBaron, W.; Beeler J.; Sullivan, B.; et al.: Persistence of Measles Antibodies After 2 Doses of Measles Vaccine in a
Postelimination Environment, Arch Pediatr Adolesc Med. 161:294-301, March 2007.
27. LeBaron, C.; Forghani, B.; Beck, C. et al.: Persistence of Mumps Antibodies after 2 Doses of Measles-Mumps-Rubella Vaccine,
JID 199:552– 60 , February 2009.
28. LeBaron, W.; Forghani, B.; Matter, L. et al.: Persistence of Rubella Antibodies after 2 Doses of Measles-Mumps-Rubella
Vaccine, JID 200:888–99, September 2009.
29. Hilleman, M.R.; Buynak, E.B.; Weibel, R.E.; et al: Development and Evaluation of the Moraten MeaslesVirusVa cci n e , JAM A
206(3): 587-590, 1968.
30. Weibel, R.E.; Stokes, J.; Buynak, E.B.; et al: Live, Attenuated Mumps Virus Vaccine 3. Clinical and Serologic Aspects in a Fiel d
Evaluation,N. Engl. J. Med. 276: 245-251, 1967.
31. Hilleman, M.R.; Weibel, R.E.; Buynak, E.B.; et al:Live, Attenuated Mumps VirusVaccine 4. ProtectiveEfficacy as Measure d i n
a Field Evaluation, N. Engl. J. Med. 276: 252-258, 1967.
32. Cutts, F.T.; Henderson, R.H.; Clements, C.J.; et al: Principles of measles control, Bull WHO 69(1): 1-7, 1991.
33. Weibel, R.E.; Buynak, E.B.; Stokes, J.; et al: Evaluation Of Live Attenuated Mumps Virus Vaccine, Strain Jeryl Lynn, First
International Conference on VaccinesAgainst Viral and Rickettsial Diseases of Man, World Health Organization, No. 147, M a y
1967.
34. Leibhaber, H.; Ingalls, T.H.; LeBouvier, G.L.; et al: Vaccination With RA 27/3 Rubella Vaccine, Am. J. Dis. Child. 123: 133-1 3 6,
February 1972.
35. Rosen, L.: Hemagglutination and Hemagglutination-Inhibition with Measles Virus, Virology 13: 139-141, January 1961.
36. Brown, G.C.; et al: Fluorescent-Antibody Marker for Vaccine-Induced Rubella Antibodies, Infection and Immunity 2(4): 360-363,
1970.
8
37. Buynak, E.B.; et al: Live Attenuated Mumps Virus Vaccine 1. Vaccine Development, Proceedings of the Society for
Experimental Biology and Medicine, 123: 768-775, 1966.
38. Hilleman M.R., Studies of Live Attenuated Measles Virus Vaccine in Man: II. Appraisal of Efficacy. Amer. J. o f Pu b l ic He a lth ,
52(2):44-56, 1962.
39. Johnson, C.E.; et al: Measles Vaccine Immunogenicity in 6- Versus 15-Month-Old Infants Born to Mothers in the Measles
Vaccine Era, Pediatrics, 93(6): 939-943, 1994.
16 HOW SUPPLIED/STORAGE AND HANDLING
No. 4681 ⎯ M-M-R II vaccine is supplied as follows:
(1) a box of 10 single-dose vials of lyophilized vaccine (package A), NDC 0006-4681-00
(2) a box of 10 vials of diluent (package B)
Exposure to light may inactivate the vaccine viruses.
Before reconstitution, refrigerate the lyophilized vaccine at 36°F to 46°F, (2°C to 8°C).
Store accompanying diluent in the refrigerator with the lyophilized vaccine or separately at room
temperature (68° to 77°F, 20° to 25°C). Do not freeze the diluent.
Administer M-M-R II vaccine as soon as possible after reconstitution. If not administered immediately,
reconstituted vaccine may be stored between 36°F to 46°F (2°C to 8°C), protected from light, for up to 8
hours. Discard reconstituted vaccine if it is not used within 8 hours.
For information regarding the product or questions regarding storage conditions, call 1-800-
MERCK-90 (1-800-637-2590).
17 PATIENT COUNSELING INFORMATION
Advise the patient to read the FDA-approved patient labeling (Patient Package Insert).
Discuss the following with the patient:
• Provide the required vaccine information to the patient, parent, or guardian.
• Inform the patient, parent, or guardian of the benefits and risks associated with vaccination.
• Question the patient, parent, or guardian about reactions to a previous dose of M-M-R II vaccine
or other measles-, mumps-, or rubella-containing vaccines.
• Question females of reproductive potential regarding the possibility of pregnancy. Inform female
patients to avoid pregnancy for 1 month following vaccination [see Contraindications (4.5) and
Use in Specific Populations (8.1)].
• Inform the patient, parent, or guardian that vaccination with M-M-R II may not offer 100%
protection from measles, mumps, and rubella infection.
• Instruct patients, parents, or guardians to report any adverse reactions to their health-care
provider. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services has established a Vaccine
Adverse Event Reporting System (VAERS) to accept all reports of suspected adverse events
after the administration of any vaccine, including but not limited to the reporting of events required
by the National Childhood Vaccine Injury Act of 1986. For information or a copy of the vaccine
reporting form, call the VAERS toll-free number at 1-800-822-7967, or report online at
https://www.vaers.hhs.gov.
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Rachael Judd Dec 2014
I lost something inside of me,
I lost a living creature inside of my body.
I feel like i am paralyzed
I feel like something has been taken away from me.
I will forever feel emptyness inside my body.
I will forever be unable to look at myself the same way.
I lost a child, that could have been beautiful
I lost myself in every way.
How shall i deal with this pain?
dj Jul 2013
a miscarriage
a road to nowhere
an ******
a hybrid
a chance missed
a tarantula's kiss

everything's lost
a sea of critique
a man chained in front of the mirror
a priest reciting an unending bible
everything's lost
because perfection is the goal
and failure is the only hope.
Chloe Jun 2015
6 months ago I ******* lost my mind
alone on my bathroom floor,
covered in blood.
Today I would be 9 months pregnant
and the man I made that baby with
is just as gone as my sanity.
Did everyone ******* forget?
Why do we avoid that topic?
Why can’t anyone look me in the ******* eyes anymore?
Why didn’t I ever hear “I’m sorry for your loss”?
Why THE **** didn’t i get condolences?
Because nobody gives a **** when you lose a wanted pregnancy,
that's why.
No one gives a **** when your alone on the bathroom floor covered in blood and in so much pain you *****.
It went from "congratulations, I'm so excited for you!"
to "Well, at least you lost it before it was, like, human??"
Would people still say that if I had had an abortion?
No, I would be called a monster.
But since I wanted to keep the baby,
I'm just being to emotional over the loss of something that
"was barely even there"
How ****** up is that?

Well that pool of blood was a part of me,
and just as human as my mind makes it to be.
Sita Alaska Feb 2014
is such an ugly word.
It's ******
      gory
      heart tearing.

People think they can
                                       understand
                                       sympathise
                                 relate on some level.
That's what I thought-
but you simply
                           CAN'T.

The depth of emotion for such
a blatant mi
                 ra
                cle is stronger
than you could
imagine.

And then it's
               taken
               away.

Against a door
on your knees
doubled over
throat hoarse
eyes swollen
tear tracks
skin under nails
scratches down face.
Essen Apr 2016
One, and two, and two, and two
The people I saw to get to you
The door, the desk, the man, the bed
The thoughts of what you're going through

My face a distant helpless frown
My heart gave way when I saw you wince
My knees felt weak and Buckle-y
The thought, it came: I let you down

Control so far, we can't attain
Alternatives so distant now
Delete the wrongs this world wreaks
Loss too great, the horrid pain

A miscarriage of all our aims
No doctor can prescribe a cure
I finally scream in cathartic rage
"I thought this ******* comic was about video games"
Saw the name of the daily poem and inspiration took me. I hope it doesn't look like I'm trying to ride that person's coattails here.
Kimberly Lewis Oct 2016
Blood
Red red blood.
What's the matter?
It's not normal.
Where's my book?
Call the doctor!
Blood
Red red blood.
In my pants,
Down my leg,
On the carpet,
In the toilet.
Blood
Red red blood.
Not the baby!
Oh my God!
Lay in bed.
Take it easy.
Lay in bed.
You can't choose.
Lay in bed.
Lay in bed.
Lay in bed.

— The End —