Oct 2020
I was living my life as normal as possible, during a pandemic, as I could be. Still working everyday and others stayed away. As for me and my husband nothing really has changed as we continued to live day to day.
On Sunday May 10,2020 is Mother’s Day. We sent flowers to Brents Mom in Florida and we delivered flowers to my mom. I messaged all my sisters, sister-in-law’s, and friends. I had some even wish me a Happy Mother’s Day which I always think is odd because I am not a Mom. ( little did I know).
The morning of May 11, 2020 I felt fine but started spotting at which I thought I was just getting my period. We went into work so he could do inventory for the restaurant and I cleaned the pizza oven during that time. We left and had to do some running around and pick up some groceries for dinner that night. We stopped at home for a bit to take a break and I started to have some cramps. Again, thinking it was just my period starting.
Along we went to the store and it was packed, of course, remember pandemic. Brent made a joke as we drove past one of the spots that had a sign and he said
“ Are you expecting?” Since the sign said for expecting mother’s only. I just laughed and said “yeah don’t think so.” We get home and Brent started to make dinner and I took a shower. As I waited for dinner to get finished I started really have pain and now I am bleeding a little heavier than before. We ate dinner, which was absolutely delicious, I then cleaned up and did the dishes. We sat down to watch Wheel of Fortune and I knew something wasn’t right because now the pain was getting severe. I went to the bathroom to remove my ****** thinking that’s why I was in pain. I was bleeding but nothing terrible. I laid on the couch in hopes that the pain would subside.... boy I was wrong. About a minute later I feel a gush......I immediately sprung off the couch and ran to the bathroom......and here’s where the story gets raw, real and graphic....
As I sat on the toilet and blood is coming out of me.... I still just thought it was my period ( not unusual for me). The pain was increasing immensely from my front all the around to my back. After about 10 minutes of trying to clean myself up I had the thought cross my mind that maybe I was having a miscarriage. I still was in disbelief because it’s been over 10 years we had been trying and being told I most likely can’t get pregnant. So, again, I believe it’s my period. But then, blood, mucus, and blood clots just kept coming out. I yelled for Brent and look in his eyes as my eyes are tearing up and said “ I think I’m having a miscarriage “. As he stared at me blankly, I think it really hit me, what was happening even though I was completely blacked out emotionally. I knew at that moment what was happening. The pain was so high as my legs were numb from sitting on the toilet for so long. Even though I can’t recall exactly everything that was happening or maybe I just don’t want to remember, there is one thing that we both will never forget. The moment I passed the baby....
Brent has told me the story and even though I don’t fully remember, I subconsciously do. When I passed the baby... I looked at him and said “ And there it is...” it’s heartbreaking, gut wrenching, emotionally draining and exhausting. Especially since I didn’t know I was pregnant!
“I never got to meet you
Since I was saying goodbye as soon as we met....”
Over the time span of 2 hours I continued bleeding and still having pain. I finally made my way off the toilet and onto the couch to try and relax. I finally felt a little bit of emotions as I started to cry fully
knowing what just happened. Brent asked me if I wanted to sleep in bed or stay on the couch. I said on the couch at first but then said no in bed because I don’t want to be alone. We laid towels down on the bed, had a giant pad on because the bleeding wasn’t going away anytime soon and I tried to calm myself down to fall asleep. After awhile I finally did. Not long but did. I woke up early in the morning and ended up falling asleep on the couch shortly after. Brent called my doctor to make an appointment for me to be seen. I ended up going early afternoon but had to go alone... remember pandemic. Brent ended up going to work since he couldn’t be with me anyway.
As I drive there alone I have so many emotions going through my head. Guilt, anger, sadness, happiness ( yes happiness...I’ll explain later). As I enter the office everything Is just odd... my doctor wanted me to take a pregnancy test just to make sure I really was pregnant. Normally this is an exciting time, anxiously awaiting to see if it’s positive. For me, alone in the doctors office, knowing what had happened hours before, this was anything but excitement. She comes back in confirming I was pregnant and she knew that it is positive that I miscarried.
I was sent for bloodwork for the next two weeks to make sure that my levels were going down and that they would go back to normal. Thankfully they did and I didn’t need surgery. My body did what it had to do successfully.
I finally told my family after I got the first two rounds of bloodwork back confirming my miscarriage and that I was physically ok. That part just ******. It really ******. Everyone thinking I may have good news and I crashed the party with sad news. It was and still is an uphill battle. I felt and still feel like Elsa from frozen singing “ Into the Unknown.” My emotions are running wild, the blame game was on point, and I didn’t know whether to cry or just smile through everything. My head was fogged. My eyes were silently crying. My heart was hurting. I threw myself back into work a day later. I buried my head in my poetry to escape and get my emotions out. Which has helped me tremendously.
Even though I don’t want to relive what happened, it’s a part of me, of us. I don’t even want to write this but I forced myself to do so because it’s a healing process for me.
Brent has been my backbone and I can’t thank him enough for being an amazing husband and best friend to me. I really don’t know where I’d be without him in my life honestly. It’s been something we’ve both wanted since we had been married and over the past 10 years the chance grew slimmer for us. We had closed the door and sewed up the wounds that it caused for me not being able to become pregnant and start a family together. We had “accepted ” that it was just going to be us and that’s ok. I had found a poem I wrote back in 2018 and the one line broke me. That one line read...” what If I was pregnant and never knew it...” as if I was telling myself two years later what was going to happen. Freaky to say the least.
It’s now been almost three months and it’s still affecting me everyday. Television, friends, family all announcing their pregnancy, or miscarriage... it’s like a bad dream on repeat. Smiling and saying congratulations but yet deep down inside my anger is unbearable. Is that wrong? Am I selfish? Am I a bad person for having these feelings? What did I do wrong? Why can’t we be happy? It’s ok. It’ll be ok. We’ll be ok. I’ll be ok. The physical pain that I endured is nothing compared to the pain left in my heart. The emptiness. The hole. Our missing piece. It just wasn’t meant to be. That doesn’t mean we will never forget It just means that it’ll all be ok. If we are blessed to have a baby, it’ll be amazing but if we aren’t... we have one waiting for us up in Heaven with both of our dads taking amazing care of him or her.
Through all this rambling, this has helped me in my hearing process. Reliving my nightmare, yet seeing the positive through the horror. For one : I am able to get pregnant. It may have not been the right time but it is possible. Two: this has opened my eyes to write poetry more then I was before. Through all my raw emotions that I have come to find out, many others have been through as well.
In conclusion... although this has been a rough point in our lives, we have become so much stronger as a couple ( if that’s even possible). There is hope for us to have a family together and if we are blessed to have one, I will be grateful. Everything happens for a reason and you just have to have faith and strength. To our baby in Heaven.... we will meet you one day and our fathers will hand you over to us when we will finally become a family....
On Sunday May 10,2020 is Mother’s Day. We sent flowers to Brents Mom in Florida and we delivered flowers to my mom. I messaged all my sisters, sister-in-law’s, and friends. I had some even wish me a Happy Mother’s Day which I always think is odd because I am not a Mom. ( little did I know).
The morning of May 11, 2020 I felt fine but started spotting at which I thought I was just getting my period. We went into work so he could do inventory for the restaurant and I cleaned the pizza oven during that time. We left and had to do some running around and pick up some groceries for dinner that night. We stopped at home for a bit to take a break and I started to have some cramps. Again, thinking it was just my period starting.
Along we went to the store and it was packed, of course, remember pandemic. Brent made a joke as we drove past one of the spots that had a sign and he said
“ Are you expecting?” Since the sign said for expecting mother’s only. I just laughed and said “yeah don’t think so.” We get home and Brent started to make dinner and I took a shower. As I waited for dinner to get finished I started really have pain and now I am bleeding a little heavier than before. We ate dinner, which was absolutely delicious, I then cleaned up and did the dishes. We sat down to watch Wheel of Fortune and I knew something wasn’t right because now the pain was getting severe. I went to the bathroom to remove my ****** thinking that’s why I was in pain. I was bleeding but nothing terrible. I laid on the couch in hopes that the pain would subside.... boy I was wrong. About a minute later I feel a gush......I immediately sprung off the couch and ran to the bathroom......and here’s where the story gets raw, real and graphic....
As I sat on the toilet and blood is coming out of me.... I still just thought it was my period ( not unusual for me). The pain was increasing immensely from my front all the around to my back. After about 10 minutes of trying to clean myself up I had the thought cross my mind that maybe I was having a miscarriage. I still was in disbelief because it’s been over 10 years we had been trying and being told I most likely can’t get pregnant. So, again, I believe it’s my period. But then, blood, mucus, and blood clots just kept coming out. I yelled for Brent and look in his eyes as my eyes are tearing up and said “ I think I’m having a miscarriage “. As he stared at me blankly, I think it really hit me, what was happening even though I was completely blacked out emotionally. I knew at that moment what was happening. The pain was so high as my legs were numb from sitting on the toilet for so long. Even though I can’t recall exactly everything that was happening or maybe I just don’t want to remember, there is one thing that we both will never forget. The moment I passed the baby....
Brent has told me the story and even though I don’t fully remember, I subconsciously do. When I passed the baby... I looked at him and said “ And there it is...” it’s heartbreaking, gut wrenching, emotionally draining and exhausting. Especially since I didn’t know I was pregnant!
“I never got to meet you
Since I was saying goodbye as soon as we met....”
Over the time span of 2 hours I continued bleeding and still having pain. I finally made my way off the toilet and onto the couch to try and relax. I finally felt a little bit of emotions as I started to cry fully
knowing what just happened. Brent asked me if I wanted to sleep in bed or stay on the couch. I said on the couch at first but then said no in bed because I don’t want to be alone. We laid towels down on the bed, had a giant pad on because the bleeding wasn’t going away anytime soon and I tried to calm myself down to fall asleep. After awhile I finally did. Not long but did. I woke up early in the morning and ended up falling asleep on the couch shortly after. Brent called my doctor to make an appointment for me to be seen. I ended up going early afternoon but had to go alone... remember pandemic. Brent ended up going to work since he couldn’t be with me anyway.
As I drive there alone I have so many emotions going through my head. Guilt, anger, sadness, happiness ( yes happiness...I’ll explain later). As I enter the office everything Is just odd... my doctor wanted me to take a pregnancy test just to make sure I really was pregnant. Normally this is an exciting time, anxiously awaiting to see if it’s positive. For me, alone in the doctors office, knowing what had happened hours before, this was anything but excitement. She comes back in confirming I was pregnant and she knew that it is positive that I miscarried.
I was sent for bloodwork for the next two weeks to make sure that my levels were going down and that they would go back to normal. Thankfully they did and I didn’t need surgery. My body did what it had to do successfully.
I finally told my family after I got the first two rounds of bloodwork back confirming my miscarriage and that I was physically ok. That part just ******. It really ******. Everyone thinking I may have good news and I crashed the party with sad news. It was and still is an uphill battle. I felt and still feel like Elsa from frozen singing “ Into the Unknown.” My emotions are running wild, the blame game was on point, and I didn’t know whether to cry or just smile through everything. My head was fogged. My eyes were silently crying. My heart was hurting. I threw myself back into work a day later. I buried my head in my poetry to escape and get my emotions out. Which has helped me tremendously.
Even though I don’t want to relive what happened, it’s a part of me, of us. I don’t even want to write this but I forced myself to do so because it’s a healing process for me.
Brent has been my backbone and I can’t thank him enough for being an amazing husband and best friend to me. I really don’t know where I’d be without him in my life honestly. It’s been something we’ve both wanted since we had been married and over the past 10 years the chance grew slimmer for us. We had closed the door and sewed up the wounds that it caused for me not being able to become pregnant and start a family together. We had “accepted ” that it was just going to be us and that’s ok. I had found a poem I wrote back in 2018 and the one line broke me. That one line read...” what If I was pregnant and never knew it...” as if I was telling myself two years later what was going to happen. Freaky to say the least.
It’s now been almost three months and it’s still affecting me everyday. Television, friends, family all announcing their pregnancy, or miscarriage... it’s like a bad dream on repeat. Smiling and saying congratulations but yet deep down inside my anger is unbearable. Is that wrong? Am I selfish? Am I a bad person for having these feelings? What did I do wrong? Why can’t we be happy? It’s ok. It’ll be ok. We’ll be ok. I’ll be ok. The physical pain that I endured is nothing compared to the pain left in my heart. The emptiness. The hole. Our missing piece. It just wasn’t meant to be. That doesn’t mean we will never forget It just means that it’ll all be ok. If we are blessed to have a baby, it’ll be amazing but if we aren’t... we have one waiting for us up in Heaven with both of our dads taking amazing care of him or her.
Through all this rambling, this has helped me in my hearing process. Reliving my nightmare, yet seeing the positive through the horror. For one : I am able to get pregnant. It may have not been the right time but it is possible. Two: this has opened my eyes to write poetry more then I was before. Through all my raw emotions that I have come to find out, many others have been through as well.
In conclusion... although this has been a rough point in our lives, we have become so much stronger as a couple ( if that’s even possible). There is hope for us to have a family together and if we are blessed to have one, I will be grateful. Everything happens for a reason and you just have to have faith and strength. To our baby in Heaven.... we will meet you one day and our fathers will hand you over to us when we will finally become a family....
