To you, who has seen him in person:

How did he look like? Was his skin smooth and white as milk; or was it a golden glow bestowed upon him? Did you see the humanistic details known as blemishes or beauty marks which usually get edited out in pictures? Was he the type of person to hold your gaze as he held your hands? Or did he look away after a few seconds? Did you see the mirth that sparkled in his glassy orbs? Did you see the smiles of other people being contained in them, that now he carries an eye smile wherever he goes? Did your eyes keep his gaze, afraid that it would break the staring spell? What of his hands, were they as warm as his eyes, or vice versa? Were they soft like a light feather, or coarse with experience of the harsh outside world? Did your eyes trace the veins that led up to his arms? They're beautiful, aren't they? How those threads of blue, green and red twisted playfully under his skin, giving him the blood to see you. How about his cheeks, did they lift; did he laugh? Did his laughter sound like little bells ringing, or a little stream through a dry desert; it was so refreshing, wasn't it? Did he even smile to the point where his eyes crinkled, forehead wrinkled, and you saw both rows of his teeth? Was his voice deep? Was it too deep that you fell deeper as well, in love? Or was it a smooth one, rich in emotion, or did you hear the innocence in his soul as he gently spoke? Was he relaxed; were his shoulders and breathing calm? Was his hair nearly as disheveled as yours? Was he perspiring from the heat or from the jitters and tension? I bet you couldn't keep calm, and you nearly hyperventilated just from sharing the same air with him. Maybe he made you less nervous with cheesy pickup lines, when you yourself planned to say it to him, in hopes of getting stuck in his head with your jokes or puns. Maybe his grip was too light on your fingers, and you felt him lose his grip and slip away-- you might have held your whole world in your hand but he only held a tiny part of his. Like how he easily walked past you with a quick acknowledging glance, one that's no special from the glances he gave to others. And you wonder if you'll appear in their minds right before they sleep, or even appear in their dreams.

Even i wonder if i can ever cross his mind as nostalgia when he sees, hears or touches something. Or if I'll be able to meet him even if it's just in our dreams, and we wake up at the same time because of it. Sometimes I fear it when the day arrives to see him; i fear the day when i finally see the look in his eyes, as if he's just staring at no one. I fear the day to hold his hand, knowing his grip wouldn't be as intense as mine. I fear the day to realize he didn't and would never feel the same way. But darling, i look forward to seeing him, because he needs to know at least that he is loved. And that thought alone comforts me.

So right now, just looking at you, my dear, is more than enough. Just having you look me in the eyes, is more than enough. Because i believe and feel his eyes which once stared at yours, are staring back at me too.

From me, who loves him

one mistake
when you were too young
to know how to play by the rules,
when lines were blurred and
first times felt like finallys.

you had to tell him it was over
seven
separate
times,
had to endure each time
he passed too close to you at work.
until, mercifully,
you never saw him again.

two mistakes
still too young to understand right and wrong
but old enough to understand the spark
and the beat of the music.

you let him do the things
that made him keep one eye out
for anyone you knew,
because you thought you were special
until the night you realized you weren't.
all the times you left smelling like him
turned into a burning on your skin it took you years to wash away.

three mistakes
three strikes,
old enough, but not for him.
still too naive for the secret meetings that didn't feel wrong
until they did.

the first time there was lots of blood
and he wiped away your tears
while you hyperventilated on the bathroom floor.
he brought you water
and then kicked you out
and found new ways to do it all again
until you'd had enough.

today it is sunday, and i want to be waking up with you.
look - this isn't going to be a cheesy poem about love, or maybe it is.
the summer of 2013.
i was only 15, i had no idea what love was.
you said it was never unrequited love, but what i perceived was just as bad. you loved the idea of a deadbeat me who would care only when you cared, and who wouldn’t mind being put on the bench when her team was losing. instead, i just scratched out my eyes and went to the mound anyways. somehow i never struck out.
some days i am an overly caffeinated and hyperventilated excuse for post traumatic stress induced dramatizations.
i wrote a trip report on you. the come up is foggy after repeated use. the peak is incredible as always. i am so ******* addicted that sometimes i forget everyone can see the track marks on my forearms.
if i were to speak for myself, i'd tell you that the universe is twice as big as we think it is and you're the only one who made that idea less devastating.
all the boys that had "loved me" before then, loved me with sweaty palms and left me with sad bruises. all the girls that "loved me" before then, loved me with busy mouths and shallow "i love you's". all the boys and girls i thought i might have "loved" were all just something leading me to you, and i think me still falling in love with you two years after we broke up really proves my point. loving you was different. it was hard. it was tiring. it happened fast. it happened so nicely. *it was. so. *******. worth. it. you're so worth it. you have not been treated the way you should be treated, and i promise to make up for every time you were left upset all night crying because of the ****** person who made you feel that way.
this is so scattered.
it's like i wrote you into ******* existence. i never thought i would get the girl i've been dreaming up. you're everything i've ever written about all bundle up into one perfectly imperfect (beautifully) flawed person. and you're all mine.
look - i used to write you into a sad poem at two in the morning, and my bones trembled like your upper lip as you cried in your bathroom that night two summers ago. i think i’m still shaken because my skin is fitting a little strangely
i feel gravity in my kneecaps
i feel ice rubbing down my spine
i feel false hope and real hope,
and i feel the ten milligrams of relaxation that i took to forget what i could. the mass in my lungs is shrinking, the fear in my empty stomach is being replaced with love and it's all for you you you you y o u.
there was something in my bones that told me to love you. i remember promising to like you even after i knew everything about you, and it turns out i loved you instead.
i'll cut my soul into a million pieces just to form a constellation to light your way home.
i'll write love poems to the parts of yourself you can't stand.
i'll stand in the shadows of your heart and tell you i'm not afraid of your dark. you're so beautiful because you let yourself feel so many things, and that's pretty **** brave.
i am in love with you simply and as difficult as it is to remember all 10 trillion digits in pi. i want all of you, i am in love with all of you. i want you forever, i want to be in love with you forever.
i love you.

She was warned that a collection of rice would weigh a lot.
She shook her head and claimed nonsense while exhibiting the size of each grain.
And her collection grew with marvelous and hideous grains of rice
Until
9:30pm one Saturday, while she was sitting on a couch with loved ones, laughing at baseball
And she knew, if she drew one more breath-
She would implode.
The bag would explode
Millions, billions of grains would come spilling out of the wound.
She ran
Hyperventilated the whole way home-
Not even home, dog sitting was more rice she picked up that week.
Curled in a ball all night, counting the seconds until she could flee to her sanctuary-
Retrieve her thread
Sew the hole
Hold onto the grain
Every breath a dagger
Every heart beat, a beat for a grain-
The reason she has them to begin with

Prologue: The Devil and the Nymphet

There she ran to the moon lighted alleyway.
Her heart beat fast, blood pressure hyperventilated.
She might be a runaway from somewhere else.
This nymphet seemed to be lost in thoughts.
There by the lamp post stood a coffee shop.
Inside, a silhouette sitting figure awaits.
Every sip dictated the nearing of the nymph.

Suddenly, the door's chimes sang like their head's insanity.
A lost soul meeting a devil of liberty!

I died.
Mommy, I died and I can’t tell you I did.
I can’t tell you that I’m sitting on the other side crying
because I’ve hurt you more than I ever knew I possibly could
I couldn’t sleep before,
knowing my heartbeats were numbered
so I counted them.

Sixty beats a minute, fourteen-hundred something minutes a day, thirty days for six months
60 times 1400 times 30 times 6.
I did the arithmetic so I could have one more math test to cheat on.
I ran laps and hyperventilated and did every upbeat thing I could think of to upend my pulse so
I could lie to myself.
140 times 1400 times 30 times 6.  
It’s twice as big.

I don’t know if I can sleep now, and I didn’t tell you, mommy.
cause I didn’t want you to lose sleep then,
and I hate you’re losing sleep now.

a thick fog of hyperventilated breath, microwaved dinners, and nail polish remover separates into two halves as my mother breaks through my bedroom
the creaking of the door always, without fail, pierces directly through my ears and into the part of my brain that knows how to be kind and pleasant

no mother, i didn't hear about the wreck on 288 today
no, i don't know if i can go grocery shopping tomorrow
no, i don't ******* care to be a part of this family

every picture of a sad-looking, round-faced, blonde pigtailed child in any photo album collecting dust on a shelf in my house has "victim" written underneath like a description of a particularly memorable event, photographed to document such a milestone
i never caught any fish
i never won a trophy
there was so much empty space

mother, i could've been a ballerina
i would have enjoyed learning an instrument
mother, i wish none of this happened either

i suppose you can't ask why someone is upset when their house burns down because they left an open flame too close to the curtain
it doesn't matter why everything you own has turned to ash, it just matters
when every birthday cake for every year seems like a post card from the future saying "wish you were here" it feels good to blow out the candles

yes mother, i am the curtains of the family
no, i don't want to be

Flash back three years
I remember we were sitting on the couch when he got the phone call
He told me to stay home as he rushed to his brother's house to get some sort of... undesired verification
Unbelievable
It wasn't a joke?

Flash forward a few days
I stood behind him as everyone approached you, choking on their final goodbyes, then paid their respects to him and the rest of your family
I hyperventilated and had to sit on the steps in front of the funeral parlor
I can still picture them lowering your body to it's final resting place
I hope my rose lived a while on the case that holds your once fast-beating heart and beaming smile

Flash back to the previous July
The first time I met you
We snuck into your house to sleep, you walked in on us the next morning
It was really kind of funny
And you got over it quickly
Your biggest problem was you had just renewed your license
For the simple reason of wanting the heart on the back, you became an ***** donor
And the funniest part was they forgot to put the heart
You made a big deal about it, your mannerisms are unforgettably comical

The last time I saw you was Valentines Day
We were enjoying a quiet night in with dinner and wine when you knocked
You just wanted to tell us you were DJing down the road
You were doing good
Phenomenal, and we were so proud
You were happy
And we
were so happy for you

You gave him an irreplaceable friend
You gave him stories that if written would stretch across town twice
You made him feel when I was not sure he was capable anymore
And while we did not have the same fire, you still gave me something
Thank you for the rides to school
I can still envision your eyes in your rearview mirror
The tremble of your forehead's reflection from the bass
But you thought it was cool
You exposed me to new music
I remember they played Reggaeton at your wake, you were always so unconventional, and it always made me smile
And I remember that winter evening when you helped us decorate our Christmas tree
He watched, amused, as we bickered over where the last ornament should go, finally coming to an agreement

Though you are gone now
You live forever
I still visit you on holidays and decorate your grave with Giants gear
I still think of you when I see the heart on the back of a license
You couldn't have one on the back of yours
Yours was too busy beating fast enough to keep up with you
It's true when they say the good die young
And besides, I'm not sure you would have liked getting old
If you had it your way we'd all be young forever

you didn't have to touch me to instil fear in my body silencing me from the screaming and rage in your eyes i saw the devil i saw the same hatred as the man who tortured me you didn't have to touch me to awaken my trauma i cried harder than i ever have hyperventilation the pain was inflicted inside but hurt worse than cigarette burns and you told me you'd take me home but when I asked you insisted I laid in bed and ignored my uncomfort knowing I was too afraid to walk out the door putting your arms around me, I was stiff and my cries were screams and I had never hyperventilated that hard before like I forgot how to breathe I can't handle reliving those moments you basically held me against my will for your own comfort when I was the one in pain I never thought I'd be the same after that you kept telling me you loved me but you were just obsessed and wanted me in your possession.

I keep telling myself this is all your fault because of what you did.
I never really sat back and thought about all of the things you never actually did.
You didn't listen to the way my heart broke when you decided it was of no use to you anymore.
I never realized how little you really cared about me until that one day.
You know, that one day I laid in your bed with my head on your chest.
As stupid as it sounds, I expected your heart to skip a beat like mine did; I expected your heart rate to increase.
I mean, how could you breathe normally when you had this beautiful girl lying in your bed. Caressing your skin. Touching your hair.
And maybe I was the stupid one.
(I was the stupid one.)
It was like a movie playing in my head; a romantic comedy, starring you and I.
However, the title quickly went from The Greatest Feeling I Have Ever Felt to Wow, You Must've Had A Lot Of Girls In Your Bed.

You never hyperventilated.

You never got nervous.

You never looked into my eyes.

The ceiling and that streetlight on the corner by your house became our best friends because when conversations got heavy, we knew we could always turn to them to make light of the situation.
And you trusted them more than me.
They knew all the secrets your eyes betrayed that your words never would.
I knew it was over when you never cared that I Love Talking To You turned into We Need To Talk all the time.

You never talked.

Even when the sky turned from black to blue and I finally decided it was time for me to go, you still wouldn't tell me why you couldn't sleep.

You never slept.

You never let your hands touch mine.

I always knew it was because that would mean something.
And I never meant anything.

You never told her.

And I never made sense in this equation.
You and her were always two, and three was just too many because you two were parallel lines, continuing forever and I was the one intersecting.

You never liked math class, not even geometry.

But you always seemed to like the shape of my body when it was convenient for you.
And she will never find out about your love of deception the way I did.
You promised at least 10 times to stop so that you would never have to lie to her again.
You could never keep a promise.

But once I stopped believing you, you started to leave...

And you never stopped leaving.

That focused look in your eyes,
And the slight furrow of your brow
Sends a spiral of butterflies
Fluttering in my stomach.

And the warmth of your hands
On my skin,
And the comfort of your arms
Around me,
Reminds me
That I am just as human
As anyone else,
And I have needs and wants
As anyone else.

And hyperventilated
Breathing
From a nightmare
Where I was bound and trapped
All too real
Because at one point it was real,
And it saddens me
That sometimes you have to see me
With fear in my eyes.

But the comfort of your breath
On my neck
And your words
In my ears,
And your eyes
Locked on me,
With your hands
On my skin or
Fingers tangled in my hair
Regulates my breathing
So that I may fall back to sleep.

Your voice is loving
And calming
And suddenly I am
Filled with warmth
Even for a moment.

I am far from perfect,
But I am beginning to think
That you are okay with that.

Attitude; is it just the teenage spirit
Yelling for nothing
Rude amongst the world
Mood swings; is this normal
The thoughts that run
The thoughts that walk
The thoughts that jump
My stomach is in knots from the switching
What emotion do i hold inside?
Insomnia; why is the bed pushing me away
Awake for days
What is sleep?
Hallucinations
Am i actually seeing things
Am i actually hearing things
My mind is playing games and tricking me
Anxiety; why cant i breathe
These anxiety attacks are beating me up
My heart is racing and its leading to...
Hyperventilation
The nerves put pressure on me
Im chocking;
Unbreathing;
And now its leading to...
Dizziness
I know im going to fall
Anger; my vocal cords are being scraped
Things thrown
The pulling of my hair
The slamming of my door
Yelling for nothing
Yelling so quickly
This will never stop
Depression; the sadness isnt leaving my body
Didnt want to leave the house
I wanted to drown in my tears
Turning away from everyone
Not wanting to talk to anyone
And the phone calls that i ignored
Made friends come save me from my jail
Everyday i drowned in my tears
Self-mutilation; the knife became my new best friend
I opened my own cuts
And forced the red liquid out of my body
My skin was so torn apart
But i wanted to bleed until i felt dizzy,
Until i hyperventilated
Until i felt so relaxed
It was my only escape
Promiscuous;
Left my friends for strangers
Everyday it was someone new
There was no caring
Not for them, and not for myself
Relationships were too challenging for me
I needed to relieve the stress
Road rage; i almost died
Driving away from it all
I needed to be free
Trapped once again,
My bones got damaged
Another story to tell
Now this is me: scarred for life
Physically, and mentally
Low self-esteem
Ugliness
Fat
Stupid
Just not worth anything
Impaired memory;
Memory loss stole all my strength
Everything i knew, i forgot
Everyone i knew, i forgot
Everything i owned, I misplaced
Im too young to forget
Shopping sprees;
Spending to have excitement
But then later my moods go back to normal
Alcoholic; drinking to create happiness
On the driveway
In my room
The love for intoxication was so normal to me
Denial; i was ok
I thought i was ok
I actually wasnt ok
Medication; my decision was finally positive
No going back,
No more killing my spirit
This is for life, but im finally alive
Medicated, but finally strong
Depression faded to happiness
Anger faded to excitement
Insomnia faded to sleeping patterns
Self-mutilation faded into throwing away all the weapons
Promiscuous faded into a relationship
Intoxication faded into being sober
Finally strong but controlled for life

I can zone out for hours and pretend that im ok
Until im shaken, im frozen
Until im moved, im still
Until im screamed at, my worries remain
I still think of those cuts made from a razer and a knife
I still think of those times when i wanted fight
I cannot forget those times i loved being alone
I cannot forget those times i loved my door closed
Privacy wasnt spoken about; i gave noone a choice
I shut the blinds before a stranger
I closed the window in front of my friends
I slammed my door on loved ones
And i welcomed my enemy that brainwashed my head
When i screamed, i harmed my voice
When i cried, i harmed my eyes
When i hyperventilated, i harmed my lungs
But when my thoughts didnt make sense, my brain was fine
Not understanding what hurt me but i remember how it ruined me
I was fragile when my strength was taken
Then my power was only inside my head
I remember who i hurt
I forgot who i was
I remember who i ignored
I forgot the person that i lost
I only knew fears, loneliness and bleeding pain
Deep down i tried to find a shield, a perfect stranger, and a bandaid

A flower bloomed so nice
Full of life
Full of colour
The stem was strong and so were the pedals
Opening the clothing to show its glow
But then every flower dies at one point in life
My legs gave out and then i wilted over
My colour had gone brown
My skin had marks as it tore
My bones became so brittle
My insides became so dehydrated
Then my heart grew so weak
My air was the wind; just breathing so hard
My lungs couldnt handle it anymore so i just hyperventilated
I felt all my pieces to my body shake
It was like i was being blown around;
And then the dizziness started
A trail of pedals had marked up the floor
The pedals attached, were the parts that i will have to search for
I took my pedals off one by one
And they came off so easily because i was weak
My pieces broke off fast
I ripped them off so angrily
And then they all just fell to the ground
I tried to water myself with my tears but it was too late
I cannot grow anymore
I cannot replant what already died
I cannot change how my body didnt survive

I wasnt hungry but i starved
I wasnt thirsty but i was dehydrated
I wasnt cold but i was frozen
I wasnt hot but i burned up
I wasnt talking but i screamed
I wasnt listening but i heard
I wasnt seeing but i noticed
I wasnt moving but i was fighting myself
I wasnt breathing but i hyperventilated
I wasnt eating so i swallowed my fears
I wasnt drinking so i drank all the poison
I wasnt keeping warm so i fell in the fire
I wasnt cooling down so i broke the ice on my body
I wast keeping quiet so i zipped my mouth shut
I wasnt plugging my ears so i went deaf
I wasnt turning away so i went blind
I wasnt backing down so i bled myself to sleep
I wast controlling my breathing so i started to confuse it all
Over and over again..

I had fallen when i was small, and my scrapes were too small for me to even care
I healed and continued my days with not knowing how to cry
I fell a second time but it wasnt like any other
It wasnt the wind who pushed me
It was the force of my mind that was guiding me
I failed when i was supposed to pass
I gave up when i was supposed to succeed
I noticed i had some fears
My anxious tears, and alot of nightmares
I fell on top of a trap
The knife was sharp, and i stabbed my own back
I wanted to be weak
But at the same time i was fighting to be strong
I found out how it really felt to get hurt
I found out how it really felt to fall
Collapsed; i couldnt get up
As i pushed the mirror, i ended up on the floor
Shattered; i was broken
My bones gave up when i wanted to continue
I became friends with my enemy
I played with danger to satisfy me
As i walked into a hidden string, it tangled around my neck so i couldnt breathe
I hyperventilated when i wanted to bleed
I got anxious but i didnt wanna leave
Everytime i got up, i was pushed right back down
I never learned;
My new bed was the ground
I tripped over my own mistakes, then i broken my bones over my anger
I pushed myself ontop of the weapons, then i tore my skin over depression
I fell down my own dark path, then i shattered my body over my mind

I was blind,
And it showed me the dark
I was deaf,
And it made me hear all the lies
I couldnt breathe,
And it made me hyperventilate
I couldnt speak,
And it made me scream with fear
I couldnt move,
But it made me fall
I couldnt feel,
But it made me feel pain
I couldnt face with myself,
But it made me answer to my enemy
When i saw the dark,
It made me change
When i heard all the lies,
It made me believe
When I hyperventilated,
It made me lose control
When i screamed,
It made me go crazy
When i fell,
It made me trap myself
When i felt the pain,
It made me hurt myself more
When i answered to my enemy,
I forgot who i was
When i trapped myself,
It broke the lock
When i hurt myself,
It gave me more weapons
When i forgot who i was,
It brainwashed me completely
When the lock was broken,
It made sure i was stuck forever
When i had more weapons,
I was always bleeding the problems away
When i was brainwashed,
I was no longer in control
When i was stuck
When i was bleeding
When i wasnt in control
When i went down the wrong path
Im ruined forever
Unsaved;
And now i suffer

They say to fight until you win
But i have been losing each time
I want the negativity to end the darkness that comes from within
I dont know how to go through the darkness if i cant see the light
I never believed there was a light at every tunnel
It kept going with no opening
So i never found my way out; im still struggling
I felt heavy with broken thoughts
I wanted to be found because i was lost
I was patient;
So very patient
I was generous;
So very generous
I was quiet;
So very quiet
I was naive;
Im still so naive
I was calm until i turned angry;
And i wanted everything to just leave me
I was happy until it turned into depression;
I drowned everyday in my tears
I was talkative until i turned silent;
I was just too scared to speak
I was strong until i turned weak;
I was used to the point where i could no longer defend myself
I gave up when i couldnt reach
I tried to grab every chance to explain what is going wrong
But then i failed
Each time i fell to the floor, i couldnt gain the strength to get up again
I put too much trust inside something that was waiting to break
Then the floor had shattered pieces
And the time ran out on me
How do i fix this mess?
How do i pick it all up?
The pieces are cutting me
Im bleeding; i cannot remove the scars that were left behind
Each picture had a tear
Each tear had a memory
Each memory had a movie
Each movie played inside my head
My head had a weak mind
The mind of a broken child
I felt small, i felt weak, i felt naive
And i couldnt sleep
I felt like i couldnt breathe
I felt like i couldnt see
I felt like i couldnt hear
I felt like I couldnt speak
I lay here in the same spot
The thoughts keep running around inside my head
My mind stopped me from rewinding and fix the mistakes that I should have learned from
My regrets have knocked me down
And i have broken all my bones
My silence made me slip away
I was ignored and trapped inside the darkness
I suffocated while I hyperventilated
I couldnt breathe no more
I cried until i drowned
I disappeared under the puddles on the floor
I tried to escape through my scars, my cuts, and bruises
But i only made it worse by bleeding out the pain, the memories and excuses
I did too much
I said too much
I worked too much
Now the pain is too much
I cried too much
I hurt too much
I bled too much
Now the weakness is too much
I fought too much
I lost too much
I fell too much
Now the bruises are too much
The anxiety is too much
The tears are too much
The struggle is too much
Now this is enough

I held on to what feared me for too long
Now i wanna leave; i wanna let go
My strength was taken and is still locked away
My weakness became weaker and im still searching a way to run and break free
I had enough of what tortured me;
My mind that overpowered me
I had enough of the pain that ruined me;
My soul that slowly finished me
I wanted no more abusing;
Myself that was always bleeding
I drowned and it wasnt from water
My tears were bringing me down
I ran but i wasnt being chased
My heart was racing from the worry
I choked and it wasnt from eating
My hands wrapped around my own throat
I stopped breathing and i dont have asthma
I hyperventilated from no control
I bled and it wasnt an accident
I was an owner of a razor
How do i undo this
How can i redo this
I searched for the key for years;
To unlock what i locked up that hid all my fears
All the pain
And all the wounds
All the scars
And all the bruises
All the fears
And all the nightmares
All the worry
And all the panic
All anger
And all the sadness
All the memories
And all the suffering
All the closure
And all the darkness
It needs to end

My anger is rising to the point where i cant breathe
My heart is just pounding hard as i try to escape from myself
The fears and nightmares are what i hate
The tears are running down my face
I wanna run but i know i cant hide
Regrets of shame
Regrets of mistakes
I tried to undo the knots in my own string
I tried to erase what was written out of my mouth
My string was cut
And then i fell overboard
I couldnt erase what i already said
It was permanent
Like a black market that cant disappear
I look at whats inside and try to break what i want to make it go away
Nothing moves
Nothing heals
Nothing changes
Nothing disappears
My forces pulled me to react with no reason
My screams left my throat dry
My strength left my hands weak
The nerves in my body; trembling as i shake
I punched through a wall that i have created
I swam through the puddles that my tears left behind
And now at the end of the tunnel what have I accomplished?
Fighting but i lost
Hiding but im found
Running but im caught
I lost but then i won
And then i regret fighting
I was found but then i found another hiding spot; and then i stayed in the darkness
I regret closing my eyes
I was caught but then i ran faster
I regret going down the wrong path
I felt controlled
I was out of control
I couldnt speak without screaming
I couldnt see without crying
I couldnt breathe without hyperventilating
I couldnt hear without the noises
I screamed
I cried
I hyperventilated
I heard noises
And i couldnt control my actions

I pretended like i was a fortune teller,
because i was used to the negativity that happened all around me
For years, i never prepared for the worst,
but i prepared my emotions
I trained my mind to accept what was
thrown at me
And then i trained my body to accept what was harming me.

I got anxiety before things happened
I cried before i knew what would make me sad
I got angry before i knew what would upset me
I became bruised before i was hurt inside
I bled before my skin was cut
I fought before a fight was started
I fell before i ran

I hyperventilated before the anxiety
I poured out tears before i could cry
I screamed before i could get angry
I was marked before i could get bruised
I drowned in my blood before i could bleed
I lost a fight before i could battle myself
I broke before i could catch my fall

I was already immune to the darkness, because i never saw the light
I was already immune to the pain, because i knew what always harmed me
I was already immune to myself,
because im the reason i was prepared

you tend to slip through my fingers, leaving remnants of memories on my fingertips. while your hands spin so does my head. sending me into a spinning haze of cracking tears, and hyperventilated memories. why must you steal from me? why must you take away the precious moments. you've left me wasted and empty. while you reminisce on my day dreams and leave me with nightmares.

I cannot breathe
I cannot move
And im frozen in shock
Im in shock from the pain
Theres a path i was forced to take
Now the path is broken but i still made the mistake
It broke when i started
Now im near the end
I cannot go back
I cannot start again
I always felt like giving up
I was always close
Close enough to scare people
The feeling of finally breathing;
But hyperventilated to the floor
When i was struck,
When i was down,
The tears drowned me as they burned my wounds
My opened wounds, i couldnt leave
I just kept them covered and thought this was so normal
I just shut everyone out
And the only person i was allowed to listen to was myself
Then it all became worse
I couldnt break free
I was trapped in my own head, into my own body
I finally got the hang of it;
Knowing who to listen to and knowing who to ignore
I forced to choose all the wrongs
When i was supposed to learn all the rights
I was my own bad influence
But i wanted this;
I needed this
I was so convinced that i was fine on my own
In the end i begged not to be alone with myself
Each night i cried
Each night i struggled
Each night i just couldnt sleep
I was my own nightmare that i wanted to wake up from
But it never stopped
I just wanted it to stop
Behind closed doors i wanted to scream
But when the door was open,
I would just be silenced
People questioned
People wondered
People were so concerned
And i just ran away from the advices that i ignored
I tried to listen but the i suddenly couldnt here
I went deaf;
It wanted me deaf
And then i was so lost
It was so hard
So hard to allow my voice to travel
And it was like i always wanted to get myself in trouble
As i stared into the mirror, i watched me with hate
I knew i had an enemy
I knew it would always stay
I watched myself cry
But i didnt feel the same
I watched myself fight
But i never won
I watched myself be alone
But i never wanted anyone
I watched myself turn
And i never went back
I watched myself break
And the pieces were never found

Uncontrollable disaster appeared inside my head
Physically, i was strong to one kind of abuse
Mentally, i was weak to different kinds of abuse
Emotionally my weakness continued for years
All the doors closed when my head turned the other way
The only door that remained opened was the mirror
But i shattered it so many times
That the pieces cut me like a knife
I kept bleeding inside myself
Then it poured out through my eyes
I kept bleeding outside myself
Then it poured right back inside
There were lonely nights that i made so dangerous
There were quiet nights that i hyperventilated
There were dark nights when i was fighting fear
There were lights on at night when i stayed up for days
There were days that i covered my arms
There were days that my throat was dry
There were days that i lost the fights
There were days that i was over tired
I wanted to give up
I wanted to end
I wanted to leave
I wanted to say goodbye to it all
The pain was so deep
I was pierced with so many swords
Inside my body i mentally died
Smiles were never thoughts
Laughing was just to hide
Anxiety was not a choice
Hyperventilation was uncontrollable
Anger was everyday
Crying was too hard to stop
Alcohol
Mutilation
***
Was the only happiness i knew
Drunk
Bleeding
Guys
Was the only way out
My worst nightmare i had was seeing myself alive
And the best dream i had was seeing myself dying
Slowly i ignored my family
Slowly i ignored my friends
Slowly i ignored myself
Suddenly i stopped listening to my family
Suddenly i stopped listening to my friends
Suddenly i stopped listening to myself
Sadly i turned cold towards my family
Sadly i turned cold towards my friends
Sadly i turned cold towards myself
Everyone tried to talk to me
And i pushed them away
Everyone tried to be nice
And i turned the other way
Everyone was scared to come near me
And i backed away
Everyone thought i was crazy
And i was
I finally disappeared
I drowned in my own tears
I tripped over my own feet
I choked on my own oxygen
I punched my own mirror
I disrespected my own heart
I bled from my own hands
I hurt my own self