you cannot
be at the summer cookout
eating chips, with my mom’s
famous
seven layer dip
and say
“i just want the beans, thanks”

while with your ***** finger
you push off
the - delicious, might i add -
4 cheese mexican blend
wipe off
the sour cream
onto the side of the dip bowl
pick
the strands of lettuce
off of your Tostino’s Scoop

before you are satisfied enough
to savor that bite.

no. you will take your chip
and you will dunk it
and get a piece
of every single layer
you cannot pick and choose
which ingredients to eat
out of a dish
that has already been made

but this is not the family cookout
this is oppression.

this is to all my women
who support gender equality
and claim to be feminists
yet belittle and dehumanize our
transgender sisters.
one less safe space.

this is to all my white people
who believe in LGBTQ rights
but are "all lives matter"
and the moment someone brings up
racism,
you tell them racism doesnt exist.

this is to my best friend,
who is an activist
of ending all of the above.
yet, who pulls my sleeve and says, “look
how fat that woman is
i can NOT believe she went out in that.”

you cannot pick and choose
when it comes
to
equality.

you can not
eat the seven layer dip
and go for the beans
while ignoring the rest.

accept.
acknowledge.
listen.
change.
try a bite of the dip
with all the seven layers
i promise
it will taste
even better
than before.

The perfect night,
Full of light, not flight--
With dreams of olives!
(And feta in our sights!)

The drinks,
The dancing,
Rock n' Roll--
Naked Munchkin fantasy
Stole my soul!

I miss you my sweets,
It's been too long a week.
I'm pining for Cookout,
Divergent, and Wednesdays wearing Pink.

"where did all it start to go wrong,
when my doctor told me i didn't have long,
cancer treatments too **** expensive-
wife's in charge and I'm **** retentive,

can't get a job,can't get a loan,
maybe I can figure how to work from home?
My future's like Heisenberg,too uncertain,
provide for my family,before its curtains...

I'm a chemistry teacher and chemistry rules me,
but so many unknown's too easy to fool me,
but how can I do it?can't even guess,
unless,unless,I start to cook ****?

Unless as a teacher I get someone to school me,
I know the principles(principals), just need the tools,see,
I can't tell my wife-can't tell my son,
that my stars burning out like a fading sun,
a trailer park cookout,will it be a mess,
first batch *****!(Jesse sample)total **** success,
but success in this business can lead to death,
p.e. number one,-Heisenberg of ****,

Gotta deal with this ******,name of Tuco,
might shake your hand,cut your throat or shoot you,
I was a 9 to 5 loser-happy teaching chemistry,
now I deal in in death,spreading pain and misery,
My partners a ******,my wife doesn't get-

That I'm like a medical examiner,surrounded by death,
Jesus Jesse you're a pane in my ***,
it's looking clear to me,you're too fond of the glass,
mirror mirror,where's the fairest price for us?,
I've heard of this one guy,name of Gus...

i could just put on your jacket
i shouldn’t but i will
i’ll explain that it’s cold outside
that i just didn’t want to carry it
or i don’t know maybe
i could finally admit that i think
you should just let me keep it
i think it’ll end up in my closet
someday anyway

I gave you what you needed,
To set the sparks we breathed,
But that was never enough for you,
When it was enough for me.
We used to flame the ground,
Dirt now liked in ash,
We started the biggest wildfire,
but the flames could never last.
Yeah,we made a wildfire,smoke lit the sky,
But it all cleared up,when you left my life.
Now you're gone,the fires died down,
And im ashes in the rubble of remains.
I nolonger smell the lovely scent of the smoke you created,
Barbeque cookout in the middle of July,
Now all I smell is gasoline from your decent to flee away,
Without a goodbye or any say.
I nolonger feel the heat of your skin that'd keep me warm at night,
It's all dark and cold and scary,dont have your fire as a light.
I don't have the confidence I used to have,
you set the flame and burned it out,
Wonder if livin without cha is worth it.
My sky is clear for me while it's smoke for someone else,
?eft my prairie of daises and roses for a forest of trees and elk.
I have no more flames with me,theyre for another land,
But I wish you could disclaim it,come back,
Give me a chance.
Yeah,we used to make wildfires,
And smoke would light the sky,
And even though the fires gone,m
My love for you still burns on,
And my sparks seen by every eye.

i've been a woman for nineteen and a few months years
and i've never looked at waitstaff
and asked
can i get that with a side of guilt?
but i should have
because it feels like that's what i
am ordering
instead of fries because
all the salt in the world
can't cover up the taste of guilt and self loathing i feel for eating sometimes
this is for all of the ladies i know who look at cookies
longingly, but tell themselves no
only to eat an entire box of them later
and cry
and most women will never admit to it
but i've been there
and cookies don't taste so good when
you're tossing them up
and this is for the ladies i have watched in the grocery store
eyeballing the candy bars like they are men in dark
allies or
snakes in the grass
because the magazines sitting right beside
them are watching you watching that candy bar watching you watching your weight watching those inches around your waist watching you
and telling you that you aren't good enough
a moment on the lips forever on
the- hold that ******* thought
because my lips and hips have two things in common-- they are big
and they want all this
******* to stop
every time a woman prattles off how many calories are in a drink
i can't help but correct her in my mind because
i know for a fact that there are five more calories in that than she told me
because i've been counting calories and playing games with my stomach since
second grade.
i may be **** at algebra, but i know intake out-take math like
i know the smell of my grandma's cigarettes.
eating meals with other women
is unbearable because i am tiered
of having to eat entire cinnamon buns
to myself because
my friends wont split them with me
and i'm tiered of watching women
talk about eating too much but
wanting to get
back
on
it
tomorrow like
feeding themselves is a crime
and so the next time i go to
cookout for a blueberry shake
i'll ask you to leave out the guilt
because it fills my throat up
like sand and my teeth
are brittle and tired from being
bared and ground
while i
battle with myself
over the baked goods at
a coffee shop
wondering if
i feel like hating myself
today

Holiday!! Holiday!!
A Day off of Work
Yay Yay
A Holiday!!!

But he remembers
The Gray stone
called Granite
As You take life for granted

Party!! Party!!
Who having a Cookout
Yay Yay
A Holiday!!!

They just told him
This is your dad
Just a name
On a concrete slab

Happy!!! Happy!!
Chillin Out
Yay Yay
A Holiday!!

But he burns a candle
Places a rose
kneels to pray
On Memorial Day....

~

She reached for the ribbons of her gown
not knowing why, but she held them in her hand
as she floated through the ever changing mist,
whites and grays in a swirling pattern,
mesmerizing in blends and shifts,
blurred yet possessing a clarity she could not explain
or cared to think about right now

She looked down on herself in her bed sobbing,
clutching tightly a dampened pillow, lonely, missing…
now confused as a peaceful awareness
wrapped about her warmly,
caressing her spirit, washing away the pain,
the sadness, the torment which she fought now to remember
as it drifted below, creating new shadows about her feet
but distant, never forgotten, she couldn’t, it was promised…

Once more the satin ribbons were pulled gently, guided
as if a feather laced kite on a silver string embracing blue skies,
dancing about in the slow rhythm, spun in clouded dreams,
breathless she soars higher, it seems towards the sun
or perhaps a light of a different source, it felt soft, cool
beckoning her and she yearned for it…
for some reason it felt right

Stars swept past her in wiry glistening designs
like a sparkler at a summer cookout waved through the air
in abstract lemonade glowings and apple pie tickles  
and she smiled, for the first time in a long time as the 
moon disappeared on the horizon, embracing this experience
She continued allowing the tender tugs on her ribbons to
move her freely, when she felt something, it was a hand on
hers, helping her hold the ribbons, it felt familiar,
safe, comforting

When she saw his eyes, as clear as she had ever seen anything,
deep and friendly, soothing
just as she had remembered…remembered?
He took her by the hands and he came even more into focus
“Hi there, I have missed you,”  he sighed and she knew it was him
He was here, wherever here was, holding her now as he said,
“I promised I would love you eternally, I couldn't have you then,
so I have waited for you"    
She cried , happy tears as she whispered. “You did, you did, is this…”

“Shhh,” he placed a caring finger to her lips…
*”This is our eternity my love”

It was time for our annual cookout
That's when my wife asked me please
"If you get the time and you don't mind,
Could I ask you to please cut the cheese?"

I have to admit I was puzzled
I couldn't imagine what she means
So that's when I went to the kitchen
And opened me some beans

By the time I was finished
The people started to amass
My wife said, "It's time to get started,
Would you please pass the gas?"

So off I went to get some more beans
By now I was getting pretty full
Trying to figure out who would be first
To offer my finger to pull

By the time I got back it had started
But it ended in minutes to my shame
I burned down half of the city
I was standing too close to the flame

You told me you loved me amongst the crowd of a Steelers game while we were searching for a hot dog and soda. Not the most enchanting, but perhaps I watch too many rom-coms for my own good. I think I've always just romanticized each aspect of a relationship and all the major moments based on what media told me meant the most.

Opening my eyes now, those special moments aren't always at a candlelit dinner or by a fireplace, many times they are at a cookout with your friends or the zoo with my nieces and nephews. The beauty of feeling something so deeply that you just have to say it, even if it's in front of a porta ***** at a church festival or the stoplight on your way home, that's the real love that people feel.

So when I tell you I love you while sitting on my couch on a random Monday night, know that I mean it. Know that every muscle in my body wanted to tell you because I didn't wait for candlelight or an array of stars, instead I told you in the most real way, our way.

We will still have those romantic moments on a boat under the moonlight or the fireplace of an old house, but we will also have those passionate moments where we couldn't keep our feelings in anymore and the most appropriate place just happens to be a crowded train on the way downtown and an airport bar. I love you and I'll say it anywhere.



-t.s.

I WOULD **** TO KNOW IF YOU'VE THOUGHT ABOUT ME OR IF YOU MISS KISSING ME OR IF YOU WANT TO HEAR THE SOUND OF MY LAUGH AGAIN OR IF YOU HEAR THE SONG SIDEWAYS BY CITIZEN COPE AND GET FLASHBACKS OF THE FIRST TIME WE SKYPED OR IF YOU THINK ABOUT ME WHEN YOU DRIVE BY COOKOUT AND ZAXBY'S AND I WONDER IF YOU CAN FEEL ME MISSING YOU AND **** WOULD I **** TO KNOW IF YOU WONDER IF I THINK ABOUT YOU STILL

Well the Josh Abbot Band sings Matagorda Bay
but I’m pretty sure it’s all the wrong way
should be I’ve been walking it all day
casting a shrimp or mullet along the way
whether the river, the surf or the bay
or even  the intercoastal waterway

You can never go wrong fishing here
from the bank, the beach, or even the pier
maybe spring, or maybe fall
you will always have a ball
with your dad, in laws or college friends
it always pays in dividends

Of reds, whiting, croaker and trout
usually followed by a cookout
sometimes black drum or maybe a ray
either way, make them pay all day
casting a squid or maybe a mullet
the fish always bite, take it and tug it

After dark on a green light
try as you might
you just can’t find a lure they won’t bite
when the tide changes and shrimp are running
two at a time is for what you are gunning
tired, and sore, but you are tough

All night long until enough is enough
then to bed for some shut eyed dreams
then up again, as the morning sun gleams
do it again, as it never lasts

Creating memories of the past
to share with friends
and also the kids
of Matagorda Bay

Our Last Supper, in truth, was a luncheon, but no matter-
It’s the breaking of bread, the holy communion,
The wine, the Manhattans, the beer that counts.

Together one last time, raising our glasses to “whatever”
Vowing to preserve our little circle, no matter what
Like the heartbroken little apostles that we are.

Before our meal’s done, we plan the next Sacred Gathering
A cookout in August, a “*** luck” in February, and so on,
Because one “Last Supper”  is never enough

Running through the yard
With a jar
Trying to capture the flickering
Incandescent
Floating
***** of light.

Laying in a bed
With my sister
And might-as-well-be-my-sister friend
Trying to be quiet
Silent
Hushed.
Because “Daddy’s home”
In our game of house.

Racing to the ocean
To see who could get the farthest
Before falling.
Jumping waves
That we named
“Bigfoot.”

Bolting around
In my pink boots
With my red 'fro.
Fast
As.
Lightning.

Three stockings on Christmas
One with toys and candy
The second with practical and traditional.
The third
Fruit
Nuts
Chocolate.

Catching caterpillars
Under the jungle gym
Building
Jarred
Kingdoms.

Learning to eat swiftly.
Because with a family this big
You have
To act
Fast.

Wearing a shirt in the sun
To avoid that sunburn
That always turns my Irish skin
Red
As
A lobster.

Building bears
Every November
Broadway
On the
Beach.

Sledding down a hill
Forcing your dad to ride with you
Because it’s steep
And you’re afraid
Of crashing and
Getting
Hurt.

Birthdays at the cabin
Everyone was always invited
Willingly or not.
Cookout
Water fights
Slip and slides.

Sitting in a tree
With my best friend
Surrounded by pink
Fluffy
Petals
Waiting for sisters’ soccer practice to end.

Running over to their house
Uninvited
Always welcomed anyway.
Monopoly
Trivial pursuit (Disney version of course)
Blanket forts
And popcorn.

Jumping into the pile
Of freshly raked colours.
The fall always cushioned.
***
Always
Protected.

Even my friends' parents
Know to command me
To
Reapply
Sunblock.

Hurrying to Mimi’s every weekend
Warmth of love
Stomach always full
To bursting
With hot
Delicious
Food.

Waiting till the last second to turn off the TV
Before leaving the house
Lest you miss the ending
Of a new episode
Of Rugrats
Hey, Arnold
Or Catdog.

Holidays at home
Surrounded by the people
You love
Care for
Nurture
Accept.

Running to mother
Crying when she pours the stinging liquid
On scraped
Palms
Knees
Elbows.

Staring at the sea
Trying desperately to see
The other side.
Feeling full
Content
Complete.

Hoping he finally got the hint
Knowing he did.
Hearing
He chose
Her
Instead.

Running outside
To play in the warm soap-less shower
Bare feet
Wet hair
Wet clothes.
Wishing the gods
Would never stop
Bowling.

Walking to a field
With your best friend
Finding the exact center
So you can sit
And talk
With
Or without
Words.

Searching for hours
Through green, green fields
To find the lost
Sign
Of luck
Of hope
Lost
Amid thousand of imposters.

Struggling to understand
Why she suddenly
Doesn’t want
To talk
Anymore.

Snowball fights
And a whole snow family
Followed by
Hot chocolate
Hot cider
And movies.

Anticipating leaving Nana’s
Because that’s when we each got our ration
Of coated
Branded
Chocolate
That we always took for granted.

Grappling with the notion
Of that solution
Helping
Rather than
Hurting.

Tangled up in feelings
Of abandonment
Hope
Disappointment
Love
Pain
Certainty
Doubt
Loss.
A­cceptance.

Competing for the top spot
In everything I do
With no one
But
Myself.

Basking in the summer’s warmth
Both from the sun and from your friends
Always
Avoiding
Sunburn.

Worrying about everything
From whether or not
I’ll fall off my bike
To what
The future
Holds.

Sitting by the community pool
Arguing
Every day.
With your
Best
Friend
Forever.


Holding on to my stubbornness
For dear life
Because it’s
What’s gotten
Me through.

Laying on a bench
Listening to the waves
Staring at the stars
Feeling as small
As a human
In a universe.

This is where I came from
Now I wonder
Where am I going?

Grilling Hamburgers
Time for a cookout with friends
Potato salad
Games music joking laughing
Good Food good friends lots of fun

A room on wheels
with my storage platform bed
and my solar powered devices

A party on wheels
with a roof rack that holds 4 camping chairs, table
and a trunk with a propane grille, charcoal grille and fire pit

A room on wheels
with my built in closet that keeps all my work clothes  wrinkle free and organized  and two drawers for my fold-ups

A party on wheels with my 6 remote controlled led lights , laptop with built in WiFi to stream movies and play games

This is my work car and many nights on long trips it has been my sleeping quarters and many nights it has provided a night full of camaraderie

My co workers and I sit around a fire in comfortable chairs as we cookout on my two grilles  from food we all chipped in to provide

At first glance people think I’m crazy but once they get to participate in the environment they can’t believe the fun

I average 28 miles per gallon , I can shower at any Planet Fitness, Flying J or Pilot truck stop as well as stay the night for free in their well lit parking lots

I have screens that go over the outside of the windows like a glove covering the open windows for airflow without the bugs being able to get in

I have a solar powered fan that mounts above my head as well as one that mounts up front to create steady airflow

Underneath the storage bed houses anything and everything a road trip could desire as well as necessities for survival

The glovebox a small hidden pantry for protein packed snacks and healthy alternatives

My workout items hang on the exterior of the closet wall behind my headrest: resistant bands , hand grips and my protein powder tumbler all with designated hooks

I love my small resort on wheels. As it has provided some lifelong memories and always gets a stray smile from others that know not of it’s powers

But the most important reason I love my Cruze is it has provided a really neat father son project and one that shapes a young mans mind and lets him realize anything you think truly can become possible

Regardless of what others think or say because everyone that told us we were crazy has enjoyed a spot around the fire and a well grilled meal

They say “ you know what this is pretty cool after-all, I just didn’t think it would be possible.

The best part is within 10 minutes and 4 fasteners the front seat can be put back in  to it’s original working position

However we designed it so a passenger can still be buckled up while it remains a car camper

Now if only school would get out soon so we can begin our planned adventures for this summer

No Logs
No Fireplace
No Cookout
The wood was used to craft into Toy Scale Model Buses
Sounds strange?
Yes, Wood was used in creating Genuine Authentic Moving Models
Visualize highway buses, and think of the wood being part of the setting
I am a witness to it
I have in my collection of actual buses made out of wood being the work done by a Deceased Susquehanna Trailways Motor Coach Engineer
How were these buses carved into a bus
It was careful study being the tracing and using cardboard to capture the right detail once the analysis was done
Then came constructing the wood one Carve into design at a time
I am honored to have in my bus collection of 7 Wood bus models from the creator himself and remembrance of a Trailways Motor Coach Engineer
A Motor Coach Operator with more than just drive, but a vision to create into sculpture
Eyes of Wood
Woody detail of could
Design
Craftsmanship that always came out fine.

Your twinkle makes my eyes bleed
Something pure as blood
I’ve ran miles trying to find your heat
Intoxication never owns up
An infinity pool where the memories never end
Seasonal depression will always forbid my heart to mend

Rough, twisted yet kind
You told me things that could fulfill my mind
Attraction to the red you wore only brought me closer to that
Hole.
Yet the whole story was never clear to me
It was exciting, I never thought I’d be invited to the cookout downstairs
But you made me feel like I could be invited anywhere

Crackling, cackling, beating and barking
I was always aware the walls were burning around me
But I liked playing with fire
The eyes off to the side always taunting me
Serving as a constant reminder
This was the last warm day in October
Soon these Demons would have other plans

It wasn’t so bad after all
Now I’m covered in dirt
Cold as the 31st
Some might see these circumstances as a wicked Trick
But I just remember being there was such a Treat