i don't know why i found redemption in the tetragrammaton, sure, my mother cared for two elderly jewish ladies, one escaped the Holocaust (surname Roßhandler) and the other of established English rooting (surname Rockman... thanks to her, upon completing my g.c.s.e. exams i got a complete collection of Bernard Shaw's plays) - but i find it there, ping-pong salvation every time, translating it akin to arithmetic: 1 + 1 = 2 is very much akin to Y              H            W          H, which i started calling the perfect chirality - chiral meaning non-superimposable:
                                       A                      &                  E, i too ventured to call the double H dualism a déjà vu - but i know see them as vantage points, more electrons and quantum physics than protons and neutrons - well, it ****** well fits the schematic: sine (M) and cosine (W) - sure, crude, but i'm not looking at the geometry of the mouth... language on the base of pure optics... and no, not necessarily adjective noun compounds for emphasis to argue a point, just easily an easily accessed point of reference...     so quantum physics calls it the non-independent ontology of electrons: a. particles (Y, centre 0 on the x, y, z graphs - apart from the heliocentric and the geocentric models, here's another one of similar causality)... and b. waves (W, the formerly stated trigonometry suggestion) - and hence the two vantage points bound to H... apart from Adam and Eve lodged in between... which suggests that the geocentric analogy of electrons is bound to electrons behaving like waves... while the heliocentric analogy of electrons is bound to electrons behaving like particles: microcosm Copernicus blah blah; well, more like pseudo-Aristarchus of Samos.

20th century literature is, quiet literally
something akin to the cave paintings at
Lascaux - big brother isn't watching -
nor is the publishing old guard -
i just find it unreal that so much rests upon
the internet these days, the people have no
idea what power has been granted them,
they petty the use of the internet with
their earthly squabbles of a marketplace,
while, running parallel: the lost infatuation
with democracy as necessary organisation -
turns out it's unnecessary organisation:
because we ain't go anything better -
hence political disillusionment - rampant in
what western society deems the pinnacle
and the Libra of a fine balancing act -
religiously? that famous: "mystery of lawlessness"?
that's the internet - imagine a time when you
could bypass some publisher, some adherent
to a state doctrine, when you could turn poetry
into physics, not the waffle of metaphysical Keats
waiting for a kettle to turn into a volcano
or a whistling horse, but to turn the dial to
point at the reality of things:
quantum physics (derived from quanta,
a variation of datum: particularity of input
energy) gave poets breathing space,
metaphysics became shadowy, Hades like
learning, obscure and all the more necessary
to build-up its strength while puritan physicists
lost their sway of power with the fears of
the atom bomb and all things quantum -
so while the physicists became dazzled with
all things quantum, the metaphysics took off...
entombed in an apathetic (without pathos)
subjectivity: a calm heart, much more than an
embracing heart - yes, i am aware that i have my
wacko moments of feeling, but this ticker is
made of stone - and that usually means a chaotic
thinking process, spontaneity being the key
in involving yourself with real-life narratives
then never suppose a character study: what you see,
is what you get: my sanity plateau?
talk about music rather than make poetry musical,
it's a pale shade of red or blue when you
have guitars and orchestras and the poet,
a voice in the wilderness - nothing but pins dropping
to exemplify the talk... i don't understand
the need for poetry being a kindred of musicology,
i don't understand rhyme, i don't understand
being conscious of poetic prescriptions of technique
very much akin to language's artefact minded
grammar: noun
                                v. poetry's pun
grammar's verb
                                       poetry's metaphor... etc.
my deviation? being an adherent toward music,
and returning poetry back to its true purpose:
puritan narrations - not conscious of what's
expected, or what defines the art,
very much the beginning of cubism and later
innovations in art, i just can't stand rhyming poetry -
it's too conscious of itself by what it's defined by,
we have learned of a new subjectivity:
the unconscious - we might as well exploit it
while objectivity gets crushed into bewilderment
by quantum physics -
thus said: i feel like i'm a dervish spinning
counter-clockwise in a chaos of tornadoes spinning
clockwise while listening to two songs:
tool's *right in two - and muse's stockholm syndrome:
i can't be bothered translating the feelings
entombed in these two songs with a rhyme...
poetry should be less stuffy than it already is...
it should be a statement of the supreme effort: freedom.
all of this? spurred on by rereading passages from
Jung's gegenwart und zukunft (1957), alter:
          the undiscovered self (1958) -
it's seemingly odd (but not too odd) that books
written by psychiatrists are more popular than
philosophy books in the anglophile culture -
as already stated, i can't read philosophy in english -
maybe this is why psychiatric literature is so easily
accessible in this tongue, what with the self-help
movement, it the grandest prescription that no pill
(unless it's a sleeping pill) can be prescribed -
i'd say, if you want to read philosophy in english,
i'd start off by reading a book from psychiatry -
Jung is by far more adaptable than Freud
(Freud's for the rich people who have ***
written on their foreheads in permanent ink -
        and: daddy didn't care, mama was
                                     struggling feminist who
     forgot to breastfeed me) -
       but of course the 1960s Scottish superstar
(who drank, rightly so) from Glasgow: Laing.
well, sure, the Hungarian Szasz (shash, not sas,
or zaz... shish kebab... it ain't the difficult) -
impromptu deviation: what's funny about Heidegger?
he says: you need to study Aristotle for 15 years
to get him... and that's very much true for him also...
two years... TWO YEARS it took me to read his book.
that's what's interesting about this book,
a literary anorexic, in at 79 grams (pages) -
the interesting point? in physics, there are things
that are not independent of observation -
i like that conundrum, the mere idea of it is titillating -
running joke for the past two years: ***** ***** tat for tat
months later -
                          well... i'm not the one trying to
dress you up in a straitjacket with a label: this is poetry...
can't see **** for miles with how i write.
so there's a purpose, some things are depending on
being observed - which is a good thing, which means
that this world could not be independently sustainable -
its dependency on existing lies akin to our
desire to be independent of it - so all the religious
blah blah means something - even after 3 years
of rigorous studies in chemistry i come back into
humanism with a furore of agitating religious paraphernalia -
mind you, i do have a scientific approach toward
language - grammar and algebra combined -
meaning? certain words have become post-grammatical,
i.e. algebraic - not categorised as nouns or otherwise,
but as algebraic signatures: primarily because no one
really knows what to do with them, apart from
church yoga, standardised: e.g. x = god,
            i = y                  and the                  world = z,
predictably transcending the casual use of language
when shopping for cheese in a Parisian grocery store...
err... je ma'pel gorgon, avoir vous fromage?
nope, took to English too much - i was learning French
in primary school, but i had an existential crisis
aged 9 or 10... my brain refused to learn another language
after having just learned one from scratch -
                               the mute in class soon turned into
an avaricious reader... so parallel to my life, i now hear
stories about children being diagnosed with depression...
try being thrown into the deep-end of the pool
with your former development using a language
automatically, into having to learn the language without
no major influence of a teaching authority...
                                  no wonder the accent game
   sort of imploded and i started speaking sometimes tosh,
sometimes posh, and sometimes east London oh'rite?
                             ale casem tes jak rolnik -
                            owszem, czasem jak mieszczanin też.

as you jiggle
nervously
in your seat
during therapy
i can only imagine what
is eating at you haley

no that’s not true
i know a little bit about it
for instance your mother
drains the medicine cabinets
instead of sink
the last months’ worth of dishes are still *****
she takes her pills with *****
because they are her water
rubbing her stomach clean with alcohol
yet she has never picked a rag up
to scrub the sickness from her house
red stains on your blouse
haley does she even know
what grades you got this year?
haley did she ever notice
when you dyed your hair?
to feel like you fit in somewhere
when you didn’t fit in her lap anymore

you come home from school
with scratches on your arms
and she never asks where they come from
so you tell her:
you feel like in a past life
you were a dartboard
because at school your peers play bullseye
with your forehead
and sometimes when they break your glasses
and you skip classes to do lines on your skin in the bathroom
with your walmart scissors
you just tell her you tried to kiss a stray cat
on the way home
and she actually accepts that because
she’s the one who taught you to play dumb

and at thirteen you’re still
suckin o  your thumb when you think that no ones looking
and though you don’t know it
the reason you do that
is because you’ve been drinking from a bottle
since you were a baby
and she never even attempted
to breastfeed

haley doesn’t understand
when i read her stories about the buddha
she just knows my voice
is comforting
haley doesn’t know
she has this inner peace
and all i want to do is
gather up her gashes
and put the pieces back together
haley doesn’t think she is lonely
but she thinks that i’m pretty
and she subconsciously wants
to make a mother of me

so at the end of the hallway
when she’s crying in the corner
because she misses freedom and light
i ignore hospital rules
and rush past the nurses
to hold her tight
and i teach her to breathe with her nose
close to our open window
and tuck her in when the bars
make shadows on the floor
in the moonlight

we sleep in beds of ashes but i know
that someday haley
will rise from this and grow
out of suicide
because in her sleep
she still hears me in her periphery
whispering of siddhartha cross legged under the bodhi tree
and how he discovered
life and death are not separate
and they each come accordingly
and right now she should just
focus on her breathing

and before i close the book
i also add that she’s beautiful
because it’s an important footnote
hermann hesse would want her to know

when i left she hugged me tight
with a tearful mumble goodbye
and when i walked into the sunlight
the two of us had dreamed about together
haley was still just a patch of phoenix ash
an egg hatching but i know her
and it’ll happen fast
but someday suddenly
she will realize she is
full of fire

since when did anatomy become strictly a school subject and not a ******* art? Stop practicing "oh no that's too much skin" "oh man she's a ****" "aw dude you can see her ******* poking out" "she must be asking for *** with this picture/outfit/gesture/whatever the **** it is" well I want to say I'm TIRED of the shaming, the judgement, and harassment of people, not just women but people, being themselves and showing their bodies. we are all the same, we are all human. We all have the SAME. BODY. *******. PARTS. And if you can't handle that, a fact of life that is in your face every single day, then what the hell are you doing? Skin is and will always be strictly skin; it is an amazing thing, protecting our insides and keeping us sheltered, so why are we ashamed of it? Why do we place bans and judgements and assumptions on something so beautiful and substantial to living? Why is it so sexualized that a woman can't even breastfeed her child in public without saying "ew gross I can see her *******". Who ******* cares? EVERYONE has *******, and ******* for that matter. I bet people weren't saying that in Rome when people were always naked because it was considered "purity" but now that is the opposite in today's terms. So many wonderful pieces of history are being watered down or suppressed simply because *** and ****** are too "touchy" of subjects. Well I will not let such an artistic, beautiful, and innate thing such as my body be limited to what someone has to say about it or who it offends.

Every minute,
twitter receives ninety eight
thousand tweets
and facebook just got
six hundred ninety five
thousand status updates
and in the time that it took for
someone to type out
"today *****"
a heart was broken
a peanut butter jar was emptied
someone just got caught in the storm
while another girl dances in the rain
a newborn took their first breath
and someone took their last
but a caterpillar turned into a
beautiful butterfly
just as an earthworm
shrivelled up on the sidewalk.

A mathematician's son
forces himself to write down
equations out of pure fear
that his father would get angry
if he told him he'd rather be an
artist and paint a picture
of daffodils and sunsets
and maybe even the
pretty girl who sits behind him
in class but the truth is that
she could never ever like someone
who wears rounded glasses
and attends all his classes
because hey, that's not cool.
Cool is skipping school
and taking your first drag
on a cigarette and
maybe even having ***
at a stranger's house with
a strange boy who never
even cared to ask you for
your name because
it's all just a game anyway
so stop asking so much
you're losing you're losing
stop.

At this moment in time,
a father came home drunk
because his life is another word
for something that comes out of
your **** and that's when he hit
his daughter for the very first time
but it certainly won't be the last
and no one else knows but that night
she set fire to her dream catcher
because she thought
it wasn't doing its job right.
It never ever ever kept the
nightmares at bay
because they stayed with her
every night and every day
and that's when she realized that
the nightmares were coming
from inside of her head
but it's okay it's okay
daddy said tears are for
weak people and she
must be strong
because how can you not be
when everyday you endure
three punches
two smacks
and a kiss
on the lips
for good luck.

At this moment,
a girl fell down while
walking to school
while another girl
watched and laughed
and a penniless lady
is stripped of her clothing
and dancing in a way that
no one should dance
just so she could feed her infant son
who can no longer breastfeed due to
his mother's alcohol addiction
but somewhere somehow
there's a rainbow coming up
after a day of grey skies
and a constant raincloud that
drooped over everyone
but it's okay because
a dying wildflower
just had the most
amazing drink
and you might think
that this life has no meaning
since we're all going to die
eventually and I know
that your cheeks hurt
from smiling and your
mouth can't tell
anymore lies
I'm happy I'm happy
don't look me in the eye.

Just remember that we
all feel pain and we all
have those days where
we just can't win
but let me tell you:
at this moment in time,
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
you're beautiful
and you'll be
okay.

(edited, updated, bigger, longer, richer, and better than ever)
(hilz says hi)
#obviouslyshepaidme
#idonthaveamindofmyown


when your opponent’s husband
(who, by the way,
is an entirely different
human being
than his wife, and is not
running for president)
has an affair,
or is accused of
****** assault,
the claims are
absolutely
100% true.
the women
must be believed.
he* is
a criminal.

your candidate will go
so far as to invite
some of those women to
the debate to
shame his opponent,
and show
how *supportive he is
of these women.
(because they are
serving his purpose).

your opponent’s husband
is a liar,
a ******,
a pig.
absolute filth
that should be
thrown in prison.

in fact,
your opponent
is even worse than him,
she attacked
those women. she
didn't believe them.
this is proof of
her hatred
of women.
(oh, the irony is
not lost on me, no sir.)

(also,
let’s pretend that
your candidate didn’t call
that exact man, your
opponent's husband,
a “victim” in regard to
the exact same situation
in 1998.)

oh wait,
i forgot you don’t care about things that
happened any
longer ago
than yesterday. unless we
are talking about
the opponent. because then
OBVIOUSLY
it doesn’t matter
when in time
she said or
did something.)
duh.

(this is what we like
to call a double standard.)

moving right along.

if the same thing
happens to your
own candidate,
accusers come forward,
OBVIOUSLY
everyone else on earth
is lying EXCEPT
him. in fact,
every accuser (i lost
track of the number)
is an absolute liar,
too ugly for assault,
and getting paid
by a massive
worldwide conspiracy,
controlled by your
political opponent who
you also describe as never
having accomplished anything
in her life.
(strange how that works.)

when your candidate’s
wife does pretty
much the exact same
thing your opponent did,
(stand by her husband)
proclaim his innocence,
and discredit the claims,
(for which you
label her
a liar,
an enabler,
an enemy of women)
it doesn't matter
anymore, because it
was your wife
saying it.
think about that for a second.

i’m just checking, guys.
i’m just trying to figure this out.

-

you do not like
that your opponent
has money. or seeks power.
that makes
her a disgusting,
horrible,
conniving,
***** *****.
(and DEFINITELY
has nothing to do
with the fact that she is
a woman).

and i guess the thing
that we are all
pretending
(right? we are
pretending this?)
that
she has
more money
than he does.
(she doesn’t).

anywhoo,
but because she has money,
she pays off literally everyone
on this blue planet.

she's probably even
paying me right now.
i'm probably a liberal
operative,
born in a lab,
bred for vengeance,
and the destruction
of these united states,
and this is
the culmination
of my life's work.
i jest.

but in fact,
your candidate has
MORE money
than her.
at least he says he does.
of course to you
this does not
matter and you
see no contradiction
in your thinking.

we don’t even
consider for
a moment that
he pays
people off.
because, yeah,
billionaires don't
have any political
connections).
but how can we
even prove it?
he refuses
to submit his
tax returns to
the public, after saying
on record that he
would, but
don’t worry about that,
we don't care that he lies.
that’s not suspicious at all.
(for the love
of everything holy,
can you imagine the
fire and brimstone
if obama refused to
release his?!)
i mean it's so
ridiculous it makes me laugh.

alrighty then, moving along, once again.

when she
changes position
on a policy,
she is a liar.
a manipulator.
cannot be
trusted,
a flip-flopper,
being swayed by
special interests.

when he does it,
he is “evolving.”
i can't even say that
with a straight face.
(and let’s not for one
second pretend
he hasn’t flip-flopped
on almost every single
issue (guns, immigration,
foreign issues, his opponent,
nukes, wars, abortion, etc.).
see link at bottom for ***** and giggles.
-

she lies. she’s a liar.
we hate liars.

you use that
as your shield.

he never lies. (a-hem)
he LITERALLY LIES on
video, contradicting
HIMSELF, and his
own campaign,
within minutes.
not even years. minutes.

i mean geez,
it’s not like you
can scour
the internet for
proof or anything.

-

he respects women.
hmmm...let us
look at the evidence, shall we?

calls women accusing him of  ****** assault
ugly, out for money, liars. all of them.
because i guess
attraction = rapeability?
(it does not)
(even though he admitted to doing whatever
he wants to do to women, without asking, in his
own words)
it's on record.

he talks about
young girls
in sexualized terms.
it's on record.

he agreed
that he doesn’t
respect women.
it's on record.

he agreed he was
a ****** predator.
it's on record.

he said it’s dangerous
for one’s wife to work.
it's on record.

he said he loses his
**** when
dinner isn’t on the table.
it's on record.

he said
he can do whatever
he wants to
women because he
is powerful
and rich.
it's on record.

women who
breastfeed are
disgusting.
it's on record.

he doesn’t like
flat chests
or fat girls
it's on record.

all women
are gold diggers.
it's on record.

he doesn’t like to
give a woman
negotiable assets.
it's on record.

dogs,
pigs,
it's on record.

he wants to
repeal roe v wade.
it's on record.

he bragged about
walking into
beauty pageant
dressing rooms
full of naked
teenage girls.
it's on record.

hmph. it’s so hard to
figure this out.

(if i could roll my eyes
any harder they would
pop right out
of my head).

these aren't even
ALL THE THINGS.
straight from
the man's own
godforsaken mouth, unedited!
not opinions.
facts.

-

although his campaign
has received millions
of dollars in free
advertising,
and his entire
life is based
upon being in
the media spotlight,

the entire media
is a left wing
conspiracy.

(unless they report
something positive.
then it's not a conspiracy
anymore, then it's true)

side note.
i guess if he wins,
we can expect to see
just a SERIOUS
overhaul of the election
process, you know,
because it's so rigged.
and the whole thing
will be brilliantly
torn down and remade
within 4 years,
and be without
criticism
before it's time
for re-election.
because he wouldn't
want us all to go
ahead and try to vote
for him again in a
rigged election.
he cares about us.

and the media will just
be torn to shreds,
you know, but still free
and everything is
going to be so fair, you guys.
i mean things are going
to be so fair you
are going to get sick of it.
and really,
he's a super sweet guy
if he accepts the
presidency in an
election he
knows
is rigged.
cuz that's what
any upstanding
citizen would do.

-

she is an insider.
(i.e., what some of us like
to refer to as a professional)

he has been
talking about
running for president
since the
1980’s,
but OBVIOUSLY
HE would never
take money
for favors.
HE hasn't been planning this.
HE would never
seek power.
HE would never
politicize things
for his own best
interest.
only politicians
do that, and
he isn't one.
HE is for
the working man.

-

please, tiny, sweet baby jesus
with tiny jesus hands
help me.

-

it’s not hypocritical
at all for
him to constantly
talk about how awful it is
that jobs are
going overseas,
even though he
does THAT EXACT THING
with his own companies.
jesus, guys.
obviously he's just SMART.
(really? is that the word
we want to use? is that the
word we use to describe other
business owners who do
the same thing? uh, no, it's not.
i'm pretty sure they are
compared to criminals,
and labeled unpatriotic.)

because if you
believe something passionately,
like you claim to,
like american goods should
be created and manufactured
in this country,
and you are a billionaire,
with vast resources,
that owns businesses,
employs people in this country,
and you love your country
and all it's people,
and you have a sense of
right and wrong,
you don't cheat.
you don't take advantage.
other businesses do it the right way
why can't you?
that's what IT ******* MEANS
to have principles.

he is an opportunist.
he takes.
see the difference?

-

when she
calls your supporters
a bad, bad thing
(a basket of deplorables?)
she is a
disgusting,
unpresidential,
elitist
***** that
can never
be forgiven.

he would never,
EVER even
think about
calling anyone names.
never ever.
(i seriously don't have
the time in my life
to even attempt to list all
the examples.) although
the new york times
did a pretty decent job.

but you do recognize sarcasm, yes?

-

jesus,
people shouldn’t get
so friggen offended
all the time!
he says.
being
politically correct
is stupid.
it’s better
to be honest, like him.
(except he's not honest)
he just says ALL
THE THINGS
we are ALL thinking
but don't have
the ***** to say.
(um...really? you can
count me out of
that particular
generalization.)

-

he is not weak,
or a coward,
or a liar,
or corrupt,
everyone
else
is.

he would never
get offended
by an snl skit
and cry like a baby
about it,
because that's absurd.

or claim
that literally everything
is unfair,
because that sounds
like a whining child.
(which his wife
compared him to).

-

when someone
accused him of rigging
a pageant,
he sued them.
because "proclaiming
fraud is serious."
the accuser is clearly
just a loser. a bad loser.
(that's what he said).
OBVIOUSLY this
does not apply
when HE
claims elections
are rigged.

also, he doesn’t care
that the GOP Primary
was rigged,
(whoops, did you
forget that was
rigged too?)
because he won.
(yep, he said that too.)

-

i see patterns here.
(i learned about patterns
in kindergarten.)

-

he spends
campaign funds
on his personal
businesses.
(we don't care)

sued
for unpaid taxes,
discrimination,
****** assault,
fraud,
ripping
people off.
(again, we don't care. actually,
all these things are
probably just
further proof of his
very level-headed,
thoughtful, and
superior intellect.)

bankruptcies,
failed businesses,
using charitable donations
to benefit himself,
(while viewed as bad
things for all other
human beings, are
actually strengths of his.
because up is down.
and quite frankly,
we.
don't.
care.)

has sued literally
thousands of times.
(i thought people
who sued all the
time were jerks?)
welp,
not him.

-

when other people
settle lawsuits
that is an
admission of guilt.
(yep, he said that)
(so did his campaign manager)

when he does it
OBVIOUSLY the
opposite is true.
and he's done it MANY times.

-

he mocked someone
with a disability.
it's on record.

-

he mocked someone
who is deaf.
it's on record.

-

he has made
disparaging remarks
about the military.
it's on record.

he incites and
encourages
violence.
again, on record.

i'm gonna go ahead and say,
not so much
into the brown people?
or the gay people.
or the woman people?
or the poor people.
or the fat people.
or the refugee people.
or the science people.
or military people.
or government people.
or journalist people
oh yeah, or education people.
or people that disagree with him.
or stupid people who pay their taxes.

but like, totally into
everyone else, like
white, male people.
that agree with him.
that are into violence.
and are rich.
and cheat the system.

he maybe sorta kinda
(ok, just flat out said it)
hinted at using the
second amendment
to **** his opponent.
on record.
god, you guys, seriously,
learn to take a joke.
because murdering your
political opponent is super funny.
i mean, it's fun, right?
it's especially funny in those
other countries. and for the murdered people.
it's not like kids are listening.
or like there are any crazy card carrying
white *** people
that think that might be a good idea.
gosh, get a grip.

said he could
shoot someone
in broad daylight and
wouldn't lose votes.
for realz? yes, for realz!

having one standard
for yourself
and the opposite standard
for everyone else
is dare i say,
the very definition of
i n e q u a l i t y.

if you think
you are
superior,
then just say so.
own that ****.

if you desire violence,
proclaim it.

if you desire inequality,
then shout it
from the rooftops.

if you think one
group should get richer
while others get poorer,
say it. support it.

if you think
women have no
value other
than the size
of their *******
and their *****,
by all means,
let us know!

because that's what he would do.
that's what he does.

don't hide behind
this excuse
of a man.

don't paint
yourself a
patriot,

regurgitate
outright lies
without doing
any research,

and don't think you
speak for
all of us.

because you don't.

pretending something is real
does not make it real.

i’m getting
tired of this.

hypocrisy
is gross.

Led by foreign madness, we
- to long expected sleepless graves -
will swim to sink and drown in numbers
weighted down beneath the waves
with nothing left inside but shadows;
no-one left of worth to save

In one end and out the other,
warring with psychotic pride, then
born again and made to suffer
- karmic purpose ill-forgotten -
each new chance at life, a buffer:
"Next time: change..." we chant inside.

Cycles written, history leaking,
sorely weeping through the pores
of growing wombs and offspring born
- another child of soulless form -
to breastfeed lies, imprisoned, shrieking
time again: disease repeating.

Sin ingested (soup for poor)
- the bile of shame and burden lost -
as people starve and lives are sold
and terrors planned to mind control...
and all the while our sickened bodies
hover, rotting, rank with worry.

Toll the bells - it's time to breathe
and **** this horror from our conscience;
steer ourselves towards a pardon,
pave the way, resume our garden
seeding spirit, heart, and mind
with growth to bloom for one last time
or we, the people, incarnating,
won't survive beyond our mating.

Childhood stress is not living in a two-story home
when your best friend does,
even though your mothers are the same. All day long we talk
about weeds and leaving our husbands for each other.

Then, you go on to ask
why should anyone wear clothes if they just leave scarlet
dents on our skin, then you will answer,
someone’s branded us with barcodes like cows.

I once cut my ******, the right I think, while shaving my legs -
cried for weeks afterward wondering
if I would be able to breastfeed twenty years from now,
thought if I could not, I would be less of a woman.
This was before I met my girlfriend who has a ***** and is
just as much as a woman as I am,
this was before I learned that womanhood is a fine powder in
your soul, like *******, but not only white, brown too
and black and mine is pink, and womanhood is
every color of the rainbow and gender is fluid fluid fluid.

Childhood was ignorance of ignorance,
adolescence taught you everything you needed to know on
hating the unique,
but in adulthood, that can change, we can know better.

I am like winter’s  bluebirds surviving
January instead of migrating
to  Guadalajara with kin

to eat  larvae & hover flowered
women with ***** feet who
breastfeed their

babies with gelatinous
eyes and coo
coo

coo, at the occasional
sight of the bluest
in flight.

I am not ferociously aggressive, but there are activities that I will not can not partake in.
I will not be a grammar-phile in poetry, for sometimes, a sentence just begs to end in a preposistion. Of.
I won't be the surrogate to the emotions you wish you had for me;
if you truly felt them, you would proudly show off the pregnancy bump, endure hours of painful labor and breastfeed those feelings until the inappropriate age of 2.
I refuse to lower my standards and waste any amount of any time with any man who can't appreciate:
sure, all men are created equally,
but over time they can warp,  change into slight congruence, and then become foreign, rude, selfish.
(Not all, ofcourse, but some, and that sum is one not worth crying or trying for).
I will never lead a boy into thinking he has my thoughts or affection
for such a crime is critically and clinically cruel
and I do not have the scalpel or shears to perform such inhumane procedures and experiments.
I do not believe I will ever have total peace, because I do not think such silliness is worth truly worrying about.
I think I could do almost anything else, like spit poison or turn myself into an inside-out person,
or maybe even solve a math dilemma
but staying stable for too long would make my molecules freeze like zero degrees Kelvin,
and I would turn into paradoxical nothingness.

I'm the offspring of a mighty current,
Conceived in a shark ******.
My brothers, I ate them
from inside the womb.
Their cartilage made me forget

That my eyes have room for the sun.
My eyes have room for the sun.
My body holds the seed
of a new race,
and from my mouth
the sea is born.

My cradle was the harvest  of a moon
that didn't know how to breastfeed me,
Perhaps it was the kiss of the ant,
or the kiss of the snake.
Perhaps the poison made me forget

That I am verse,
I am a poem in a bag of bones,
I am the misunderstood expression,
I am the opportunities of my skin.
I am the beauty
in the dead of a raging hurricane.

My only mistake
was having my trial in someone else's sheets.
Surrendered my body,
Surrendered my will,
and the desire to be somebody,
in order to have some body.
The trust in myself,
the love I should feel for myself.

I lost everything
In the hands
of the one who wanted to want me.

And today, in front of the mirror
I don't know if my gaze blinds me,
or lies to me.

Even in her late forty it could happen
the joy of her life, the blessing she have been waiting for
She woke up with hope,
the world seem much different
the soft lullabies sweetened her soul:

Dreft is as gentle as a summer breeze,
circle the misty air
even this late her beauty shines,
yesterday tears dry on their own
Keisha breastfeed her baby…

Oh, Princess,
I missed you like crazy,
dying of Winter cold,
graving.
I turned into shadow.

With your lips made of light
kiss me back to life,
save me.

How beautiful you are,
how bright green are your eyes,
and how sparkling are diamonds
in your tiara.
And your floral dress again
drives me
crazy.

Turn me
into cherry blossom tree.
Skylark me, robin me into the song,
iris me, moisten my stalk.
Breastfeed me day and night,
like a new born baby -
I am one.

Spring me, May me
one more time. Make me
young and free.

I close my eyes
I lift my hands unto the Lord
And I start to pray in silence
I pray that we will see an end to this war
I pray that the women will give birth to healthy babies
I pray that the women will be able to breastfeed their babies
I pray that they stop child labour in factories in the third world
I pray that the people with mental illness will be cured
I pray that you will bring soon the spring
I pray that we will feed the people that are starving in the third world
I pray that people get an education in the world
I pray that people will have a roof over their heads
I pray that people will respect each other
I pray that people won't be alone anymore
I pray that people will learn to love each other
I pray that people will pray for one another
I pray that the Lord make a miracle in every bodies life
I pray that the Lord give the blind people their vision back
I pray that the wild life can be saved
I pray that no body will be ashamed of their illness anymore
I pray that no body will take their own life anymore
I pray that we have clean water to drink
I pray that we put an end to violence
I pray that the people who have kids will give them love
I pray that the people who have kids will receive love back from their kids
I pray that the people who have kids will not spank their kids
I pray that the people who have kids will teach their kids what is right and what is wrong
I pray that the people don't **** each other
I pray that people will learn to take better care of their health
I pray that people will learn to accept people for who they are
I pray that people will control their anger
I pray that people will look after one another
I pray that people will learn to make friends
I pray that people will have their own style of clothes
I pray that people will look after their hygiene
I pray that people will eat healthier
I pray that people will learn to trust themselves
I pray that people will not create enemies
I pray that people will love themselves
I pray that people be responsible for their behavior
I pray that people will have patience with one another
I pray that people will be grateful for their things they have
I pray that people will have health
I pray that people will learn to save their money

Growing up as a child and a young teen was not the best,
The memories up to this day traumatize me:
I always remember the bad ones and never the rest.
Now don't take this as a sob story I don't take well to pity,
Just give me a few minutes to dwell
On a childhood that was anything but well.

It was the 29th day of March,
A long and eerie night
A miscarriage was near in sight
The doctor told her:
Its very possible that you will lose your baby
After hours of pain and blood loss
Came a bundle of joy with "cat eyes" that brought light to all a young mother's flaws.
It was a miracle.
"Its a baby girl, woah look at those eyes they are almost bioluminescent in the dark"
Parents could never be so proud to bring such a beautiful creature to the world.
"I wish all the best, to this little girl"

Life was great
But I wasn't truly welcomed
Some people my existence upset.
But as a baby and toddler, it was great all I had to do was breastfeed, cry and ****.
Then time happened and life became complicated.
My mom cheated (or was continuously cheating) and there was no preset
My dad wished there was a reset
And me... I was treated like an asset;
For money.
For **** sake my young years have been duped.


Jonesy 2019 ©

I have read
Different philosophers
Watched documentaries
About different human stories

I don't think I'll ever be happy
Whatever that means

I don't much care
For my physical body

I'm poor
And not ambitious

Perhaps depressed
In some way

Maybe one day
I'll just die
Of emptiness
Loneliness
And boredom

Or maybe one of those three

Maybe North Korea
Will drop a nuke
On my country
Maybe there will be
A World War

I don't much care
For this body

A mostly meaningless
Empty existence
That doesn't bother me
Too much anymore

It's the fact that
This is, all there is
A limited amount of choices
Anyhow

One long boring program

I want to breastfeed
And to taste a woman's milk
Warm and nourishing
Breast milk

Nothing changes
Just rearranges

Well at least I have
My podcasts
And my tomato soup

And my job that pays
Twice the minimum wage

Some type of joke
Human life

I close my eyes

I lift my hands unto the Lord

And I start to pray in silence

I pray that we will see an end to this war

I pray that the women will give birth to healthy babies

I pray that the women will be able to breastfeed their babies

I pray that they stop child labor in factories in the third world

I pray that the people with mental illness will be cured

I pray that you will bring soon the spring

I pray that we will feed the people that are starving in the third world

I pray that people get an education in the world

I pray that people will have a roof over their heads

I pray that people will respect each other

I pray that people won’t be alone anymore

I pray that people will learn to love each other

I pray that people will pray for one another

I pray that the Lord make a miracle in every bodies life

I pray that the Lord give the blind people their vision back

I pray that the wild life can be saved

I pray that no body will be ashamed of their illness anymore

I pray that no body will take their own life anymore

I pray that we have clean water to drink

I pray that we put an end to violence

I pray that the people who have kids will give them love

I pray that the people who have kids will receive love back from their kids

I pray that the people who have kids will not spank their kids

I pray that the people who have kids will teach their kids what is right and what is wrong

I pray that the people don’t **** each other

I pray that people will learn to take better care of their health

I pray that people will learn to accept people for who they are

I pray that people will control their anger

I pray that people will look after one another

I pray that people will learn to make friends

I pray that people will have their own style of clothes

I pray that people will look after their hygiene

I pray that people will eat healthier

I pray that people will learn to trust themselves

I pray that people will not create enemies

I pray that people will love themselves

I pray that people be responsible for their behavior

I pray that people will have patience with one another

I pray that people will be grateful for their things they have

I pray that people will have health

I close my eyes
I lift my hands unto the Lord
And I start to pray in silence
I pray that we will see an end to this war
I pray that the women will give birth to healthy babies
I pray that the women will be able to breastfeed their babies
I pray that they stop child labor in factories in the third world
I pray that the people with mental illness will be cured
I pray that you will bring soon the spring
I pray that we will feed the people that are starving in the third world
I pray that people get an education in the world
I pray that people will have a roof over their heads
I pray that people will respect each other
I pray that people won’t be alone anymore
I pray that people will learn to love each other
I pray that people will pray for one another
I pray that the Lord make a miracle in every bodies life
I pray that the Lord give the blind people their vision back
I pray that the wild life can be saved
I pray that no body will be ashamed of their illness anymore
I pray that no body will take their own life anymore
I pray that we have clean water to drink
I pray that we put an end to violence
I pray that the people who have kids will give them love
I pray that the people who have kids will receive love back from their kids
I pray that the people who have kids will not spank their kids
I pray that the people who have kids will teach their kids what is right and what is wrong
I pray that the people don’t **** each other
I pray that people will learn to take better care of there health
I pray that people will learn to accept people for who they are
I pray that people will control their anger
I pray that people will look after one another
I pray that people will learn to make friends
I pray that people will have their own style of clothes
I pray that people will look after their hygiene
I pray that people will eat healthier
I pray that people will learn to trust themselves
I pray that people will not create enemies
I pray that people will love themselves
I pray that people be responsible for their behavior
I pray that people will have patience with one another
I pray that people will be grateful for their things they have
I pray that people will have health

Another drowning year, another nameless day.

Formats of cards, wishing stars and fake teddy bears.

Short sayings, with a signed name.

Gifts not wrapped, with envelopes of money.

On this day, early in the morning.

A small baby cried, for a mother who was too high to breastfeed.

Stuck in the hospital until weened off of the drug, the sickening beast that hunts.

No party, just small groups that fan out and soon disappear.

Happy birthday, too me.

were built where the chickens did live

where the old cottages were and some time back a photo occurred to remind.

bungalows

seemed modern to me, then the Shirley’s came, Mr and Mrs, with two boys in short trousers.

brian and the other one

they had wallpaper with galleons on while we had distemper  that was best not to lean on

my mum looked after those boys and once took them to grans

think it was Brian who slipped on the glass roof he climbed and split his leg open

next to them were a lady who had a baby born and showed me how to breastfeed with a rubber **** and me a child under 8

i think there were three bungalows in all

them days mother did not shop at coop,  nor did her mother  either, something regarding dividends

shape you
they hold your head
when you enter this world
the doctor shouts out "a baby girl"

These hands
spank you
for not following
mother's orders
they leave welts
and black and blues
squeeze you into
tight shoes

These hands
unite with a man
wearing golden bands
holding the bouquet
and cutting the cake

These hands
dust the furniture
make beef stroganoff
and mow the lawn
breastfeed the babies
when they're born

These hands
read storybooks
call the ambulance
shake and sweat
when the boy’s near death

These hands
fight city hall
call the lawyers
doctors and all
turn into fists
and punch the air
and land on lists

These hands
stroke men
that sit in chairs
and listen

These hands
pen the lines
so all can read
all are blind

I thought love was a positive result in a pregnancy kit, or those other three positive results we took to be sure we weren't dreaming.

And then I thought love was seeing you for the first time through an ultrasound machine. Love was then in black and white, and in the size of a rice grain. We could see your heart beating, it was fast, like you were excited to show us you were there.

And then I thought love was hearing your heartbeat for the first time, I still remember how it felt - it made everything real.

And then I thought love means vomiting in the middle of my commute, sacrificing all the junk I used to eat, and making sure I was healthy, so you could be healthy too.

And then I thought love was seeing you grow through a series of check-ups, seeing you become like I am.

And then I thought love was waking up to your kicks in the middle of the night, or feeling your hiccups, or seeing my belly move from one side to the other, letting me know that you are coming.

And then I thought love was counting the months, weeks, days to finally seeing you.

And then I thought love was getting excited to be induced which means more medical intervention, but also means that I'll be seeing you soon.

And then I thought love was getting through labor. I didn't even know how many hours has passed, every contraction was worth it.

And then I thought love was pushing for hours to deliver you in this world. I felt like a failure when I couldn't deliver you after three hours. I was ready to see you, but I guess I wasn't strong enough.

And then I thought love was opting for surgery to get you out. I chose to be awake for the whole process just to hear you cry.

And then I thought love was when I first heard you cry. I could not hold my tears, you made all the pain worth it.

And then I thought love was when I first held you in my arms, you were 7.1lbs and 52cm. You look like just your father.

And then I thought love was when we spent our first night home, you kept us awake, but I didn't care.

And then I thought love was being able to finally breastfeed you. I took every piece of advice there is to make sure I have enough supply. There were a lot of things that didn't come my way when I was delivering you, so I want this one thing to work for us both.

And then I thought love was this and love was that, but everytime I feel like I knew what love was, I feel an even greater love each time I look at you.

And even as I write this - looking at your right now sleeping on my tummy.. I feel an even greater love for you right now more than I felt when I started writing.

I love you, little one.

Oliver you are a beautiful baby
That God had create you in his image
And also you are one of God's children
Also God love you without limits
When you are hungry your mother will breastfeed you
Don't you worry Oliver because you mother wont let you starve
Also you will have lots of naps in the afternoon
Oliver you are a chubby baby
But I am sure it will end one day
You mother sings a lullaby to put you to sleep
And that helps to put you to sleep
I believe that you love music Oliver

People
Teach you children to
Love you
Because you are the parent
And I hope that you are
Going to love them back
People
It was you that
Gave birth
To you children
And also you had
Breastfeed you children
When she was born
People
You need to find
A place where you
Children can play safe
With other children
Every single day
Also people you
Children needs to socialize
With other children

Beloved God
Don't you know that we love you?
And we accept you for who you are
God we know that you are our father
And love us unconditionally,
Also we know that you died in the cross for our sins,
And rose again from the death,
God you create us,
You gave the woman ******* so when they have their babies they would be able to feed them,
You gave the men their hairy chests,
The women gave birth to babies,
The men made then pregnant and they carried their babies for 9 months,
After 9 months the women went into labour,
And their babies were born,
Some women had boys other had girls,
God gave their babies some clothes,
And the woman began to breastfeed their babies as soon as they were born

Oliver you are a beautiful baby
That God had create you in his image
And also you are one of God's children
Also God love you without limits
When you are hungry your mother will breastfeed you
Don't you worry Oliver
because you mother wont let you starve
Also you will have lots of naps in the afternoon
Oliver you are a chubby baby
But I am sure it will end one day
You mother sings a lullaby to put you to sleep
And that helps to put you to sleep
I believe that you love music Oliver

Oliver you are a beautiful baby
That God had create you in his image
And also you are one of God's Children
Also God love you without limits
When you are hungry your mother will breastfeed you
Don't you worry Oliver because you mother won't let you starve
Also you will have lots of naps in the Afternoon
Oliver you are a chubby baby
But I am sure it will end one day
You mother sings a lullaby to put you to sleep
And that helps to put you to sleep
I believe that you love music Oliver

Oliver you are a beautiful baby
That God had create you in his image
And also you are one of God's children
Also God love you without limits
When you are hungry your mother will breastfeed you
Don't you worry Oliver because you mother wont let you starve
Also you will have lots of naps in the afternoon
Oliver you are a chubby baby
But I am sure it will end one day
You mother sings a lullaby to put you to sleep
And that helps to put you to sleep
I believe that you love music Oliver

Oliver you are a beautiful baby
That God had create you in his image
And also you are one of God's Children
Also God love you without limits
When you are hungry your mother will breastfeed you
Don't you worry Oliver because you mother won't let you starve
Also you will have lots of naps in the Afternoon
Oliver you are a chubby baby
But I am sure it will end one day
You mother sings a lullaby to put you to sleep
And that helps to put you to sleep
I believe that you love music Oliver

Oliver you are a beautiful baby
That God had create you in his image
And also you are one of God's children
Also God love you without limits
When you are hungry your mother will breastfeed you
Don't you worry Oliver because you mother wont let you starve
Also you will have lots of naps in the afternoon
Oliver you are a chubby baby
But I am sure it will end one day
You mother sings a lullaby to put you to sleep
And that helps to put you to sleep
I believe that you love music Oliver