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Mateuš Conrad Jul 2018
/          the aesthete...

                             and the athlete,

i.e.

               the "sophist",

                     and the "philosopher"?

ah... phonetics, rather linguistics:

  former: as-feet...

   but the latter?
                                   ancient greek
in french:

                    a(h)'f'lé'té.

     people should, really introduce
a chemistry-style subscript for surds,
most notably H,
                hay'chch,

      when dealing with such deviations
from classicaly philosophy
metaphysical concerns,

   and modern, orthography:
this, the, now,
     types of "philosophical" inquiries:

and i mean that
  as "philosophical":
   because i actualy mean...
   the favours of pedantry akin to
being entertained by
the intricacies of Versailles;

you'd get more good-luck wishes
in the form of horse-shoes
hanging over your door in a small
village in the ***** of gascony.
Nae Nov 2013
“Nicole Brunelli, the first small town journalist receiving...” - no - “...the best journalist of Ludlow receiving the Pulitzer Prize! She is ambitious, determinated, fearless, unstoppable and this couldn’t be possible if she wasn’t like this otherwise she would never had revealed the macabre events of Bethlem Royal Hospital! Aaaaaaah”.
My name is Nicole Brunelli I’m 28 years old and I’m a journalist. My childhood wasn’t easy but what childhood was? My mom died when she gave me birth, and my dad... lo... my dad loved me too much until my 16 years old. By then I was starting college and I went to live with a friend of mine, we moved to  Glasgow and we graduated together. We had the time of our life and I ended up marrying him, a few years later we moved to a small town called Ludlow, we had our precious first child and I became an unknown journalist. But now everything changed, this is what I was meant to do.
I research about Bethlem Asylum and some archive stuff just doesn’t make sense, death dates, nonexistent patients, witnesses like one man who lived in the area of the hospital attested to the “cryings, screechings, roarings, brawlings, shaking of chains, swearings, frettings, and chaffings to be heard from the outside.” and he also said something about the managers of the facility that were known as Keepers, and were seemingly as frightening as they sound.  One such Keeper, Helkiah Crooke, a member of the medical department of the royal household, took over, ousting the former for being “unskillful in the practice of medicine.” It could be assumed that he would then handle the medical inattentions to the patients, but no records were ever made of any medical needs of the patients. He himself referred to the patients as “the poore” or “prisoners”. Something is not right I feel it and that is why I’m going there to scrutinize, and due to this I’m going to be the first and the best small town journalist receiving a Pulitzer.
My husband doesn’t really agree with this, but he knows how I am, he knows I’ll do everything for my Pulitzer, and to make him and our baby proud of me...
The time has come, this is it. My future is about to change, I am here now, after a bus ride to Bethlem that **** 3 hours and 45 minutes, I am here.
They refused to receive me! They don’t let me in! They don’t let me in and they don’t give me any information about their procedure on patients or anything! No, no, no, no. I gotta find another way to get in.  I have to. I gotta find another way in. I’ve got to do this! I don’t know what to do, I was so close, so ******* close! I can’t give up, I can’t! I’ve got to do this! This is what I was meant to do!

One night passed and I was still there waiting for them to let me in until the night watch, where a nurse thought I was one of them trying to run, or at least that was what she wanted me think. For instants I thought “This is my chance! This is it” until I realised that once I get in, the difficult part is to figure how to get out.
Three days passed and I realised what they were doing there...people coming in aisle F as sanes or insanes and two days later coming out as vegetables or dead... They were using patients, human beings, and most of them weren’t even crazy at least when they got there, and they were using them as cavies for their experiences.
Of course, who would believe in crazy people?
After the seventh day as a patient in the Asylum I had earned the right to a guided tour to aisle D... where they give you shock therapy. Apparently I’m a messy patient, I talk to much and I refused to take some pills, so they sent me to see Mr. Cleymoore, the asylum shrink so he could diagnose me; he said that I would never see my family again, that I would never see my husband or my baby again, he said he knew all about me, and he wanted me to sign myself in the asylum but I refused to do that...So they faked my death. In my plug diagnosis my name was no longer Nicole Brunelli, now I was Lisa Coventry and I was diagnosed with hidden schizophrenia and double personality disorder, caused by the fire that killed my family when I was 16 years old.
But how would they know all of this? My family, my past, my whole life?! It doesn’t make any sense!
Three months passed and I had a tour to aisle D every week. This place was crazy, it makes me think who are the insane people here. The way they treated people! The way the “disturbed” were chained up to walls and posts like dogs. They slept on beds of straw only as the water supply did not allow for washing of linens. The way the rooms had exposed windows, leaving the patients in damp conditions at the mercy of all weather and utter darkness at night. The hospital itself was actually noted as “a crazy carcass with no wall still vertical,” offering only leaking, caved in roofs, uneven floors and buckling walls.
Under Crooke’s Keeping, the residents were not only filthy and unclothed, but malnourished to the point of starvation using a “lowering diet,” of intentionally slim portions of plain food only twice a day. It was meant to deplete and purge the madness out of the victims, while helping to conserve money. 
 There were no fruit or vegetables to be given. Mostly bread, meat, oatmeal, butter, cheese and plenty of beer was the menu. While all of this is terrible, the true horror was in the moneymaking scheme that kept it running at all. Originally, the hospital was open to the public in hopes that food would be brought to the inmates from the community. Quickly, money was charged, creating a sideshow where the public was invited to watch patients displayed in cages, laugh at them as they banged their heads repeatedly on the walls, and even to poke them with sticks and throw things at them.
 Luckly I made a friend there, Mike Spencer was his name, he was the male nurse who used to do the night watches, he used to stay all night with me just talking and making promises; he knew I wasn’t crazy and that actualy helped me keeping me sane, at least for a while.
 Six months passed and I wasn’t the same.
They are coming, they are coming...they are coming for me...they are coming for Lisa.
 It’s cold, the cold tastes like blue. - Ahah - it tastes like blue! - Ahah...It’s cold... they are coming for Lisa, Lisa doesn’t want to go with them...
 She said that she’ll keep me safe, she said she would take care of Lisa. Lisa is hearing them, They are coming! Lisa doesn’t want to go, no, no, no, NO.
 She said they wouldn’t hurt me. YOU SAID THEY WOULDN’T HURT ME! They, gave me shocks again, they gave Lisa shocks.
 It’s not my fault. They know. They know. They must know why am I here if they don’t know? It’s not my fault she made me do it! She said it was the best thing! Now they can’t have him. Now he’s safe. My unborned baby is safe. They can’t have him now.
 She said she would protect me...She said she would protect Lisa. Shut the voices down! Shut the voices! She’s saying bad things. Lisa doesn’t like what she’s saying. She keeps telling me - “ You killed your mother when she gave you birth! it’s your fault that daddy loved you and used you to replace her! You know you liked when he used to play with you and love you. Everybody knows he used to did it what people didn’t knew was that you liked it! you wanted more! You know he only did it because you let him! And you certainly know who started the fire who killed him...” - SHUT UP! We need to shut the voices down! We need to shut the voices! shut...shut the voices...shut the... shut the voices down... shut the voices down... shut... shut the... shut the voices...
 She said Mike promised. She said Mike promised Lisa to take me out of here... Mike promised.
Two more months passed and I was completly insane due the shock therapy, but Mike kept his promise and he took me out of there, in the middle of the night he gave me a coat and he drove me to South Hampton seaport, he gave me the ticket and said that that was the further he could go. Along with the ticket he also gave me his lucky neckless and told me he bought me a ticket to Cuba so I could be free. I left a friend in that seaport a really good friend but I needed to go I couldn’t go back to that place.
 I had no lugagge, no shoes, nothing, just a coat, a neckless and a ticket to freedom.
 I had to ****** adapt to the situation and try to go unnoticed and not to attract to many attention, so I went to my cabine and stayed there until the end of the cruise for the maximum I could.
Storm Raven Jul 2015
Pretty girl walks down the streets,
But no-one knows,
She is actualy an he.
you can see this as poem about a girl who used to be boy or as poem about a girl who feels like a boy. you can give it any meaning you like.
Rick Feb 2018
Cat
There is a cat in my home, and slowly it has grown fatter from feasting on food that I own.
I go to work every day, so theres no possible way that this cat could look for pray.
Yet still, somehow, when I return, he's stuffed.
Belly filled with pizza crust he looks as if he'll bust.
Somehow he finds a way outside, where he roams to neighbors homes to fill up on old turkey bones.
Second breakfast and for lunch this hungry cat would munch, till diner came, then the game would change and just like that this cat would be back.

In the morning when I leave, this cat would beg that I come home with fishes. The begging grew bad, so I'de do exactly as she wishes. Heres the trouble: I feed her once, shes still hungry, so i feed her double. Hours of  her mighty meow. Her, just sitting there constantly, bellowing just like a cow, until I provide her with her chow. Now, I tried feeding her less and getting her to run but Im just competing with my stress when that cats not having fun. She would sit and moan, Oh the noises she'd groan as Ide remove her from the cushion she had claimed as her thrown.

After this cat had Disowned me, I had learned just like that, that infact it was actualy the cat who had owned me. See cats are a beast of nature, there a creature that can not be tampered. So when theyve been pampered and foods been delivered, you can bet a strong bet that this cat will expect to be treated with the  best packaged liver from a duck that Wal-Mart can deliver.
Motto: „ they are all elsewhere/ examining things/ in new bedrooms/” – Charles Bukowski – Praying for rainy days

**** Bukowski
thinks that’s a supraestimated fake
for townsends of years
„ harder than The Riots of Watts”
and it’s not about *****

it’s too precoius and delicate
and it’s not about women
'couse the women *** with roses
or with the spine-birds
and still gets payed on the job

it’s all about poetry
it’s about that funny slaughterhouse
in wich we kick eachothers stupide ***
like some real lovers
and then we rearange our underwear
or what’s left of it

it’s all about  a load of **** good to be throwned at the garbage
'couse – don't mention it – there is nothing heroical
and every ****** thing is a makeup
there is just a mouse shiverring in a corner
two ugly frogs are hugging all what is left of the sun
and above all
the monkey is trying hard to improvise a tired smile

**** Bukowski
I don't know a living soul with such a perseveration
to ****-up his poems
like his money on horse-races
like his fat’n’ugly mexican ******
and still somehow to become his own hero
insane like this
born into this
and becouse he had lived to much like a dog

alone with the whole world
with it’s ******* **** beauty
in wich actualy nobudy finds his mate

in wich everything it’s just a canibalistic clown
and a childish cry
almoust painfully dead
from his own laughter
Maman Screams Mar 2016
You never actually listen about what i have to say
Have i ever not listen to every single you left words unsaid?
Am I not being strong for us when im still seen not here but as if complaining about what my heart tears
Do you fail to realise that you were the one trying to push me away
When I was just there trying not to interfere
Why do you always say that because due to my feelings feel make me have change
When i was still the same person since the begining and never once you heard my heart whistling
So why do you say all this or is this due to what your heart actually fears
For all this while i've been kissing your forehead at nights and that didnt bothered at first
Then you kept telling me not to have feelings towards you
When actualy the truth
i've never ever ever i remember saying i love you
Its always every time we fight that I let out my feelings that you took in as excuses
Dont you see all this while ive never complained about you
Doesn't that show I praised god that he picks me to have someone as perfect as you
Could this be my very last fate written by you
For my feelings will never speak to you
If my apologies you still refuse
For Im sorry I wont speak
I love you
Till
I forgived by you

Maman Screams
Copyright 2016
28 march 2016
Carson Campbell Feb 2019
I say I'm okay
I tell you I'm fine
I don't want you to feel  
This hurting of mine

I feign indifference
I pretend I don’t care
I don’t want to bother you
With the pain I bare

I laugh and pretend  
That their words don't sting  
But Sometimes I feel  
They don’t know a thing  

Most write it off
As actualy fine  
But I know you see through
This façade of mine  

Now I'll say something  
You want to hear
Im sorry  
For hiding the pain my dear
Written in response to "Okay" By: Joliver
Mateuš Conrad Mar 2017
*******... the russians would spell ł as ьл.. i.e. oselka, oselka (tak i ta pierdolona przez nożyce / nogi in mirage)... they soften it... why i have to borrow the equivalent of an anglo-saxon w to translate it... they just soften the letter... so yes: ł becomes ьл the further east you go.

to che /
                i /         chi
л        el
                         obviously bound
to become l/e
             ь.... this **** ought to be
equivalent to a diacritical representation...
it's a soft sign preceding
                                              a letter once it's stated...
or after... depending where you catch the syllable
                  "*******" of breath toward said word.
           ever read an organic chemistry
equation? e.g. C6H12O6 + 6O2 → 6CO2 + 6H2O (+ energy)?
      breathing...
dmitri mendeleev* would have approved
the ь notation to be written lower-case in russian...
chemically... like you'd lower case 6 12 6 2 2 and 2;
becomes a bit confusing if you just insert
it like it's an actual letter...
                    it's diacritical... please...
i'm not even going to read the next letter in
what i'm spelling to tell you:
     ь ought to be as properly managed and
concise as what the acute accent on the s
                is, when it's not sh(a, i, e, o, u)... i.e. ś
but hell... who the **** is perfect?
       oh here we go... so now we know... the next
letter is н... or en... and to soften it up
you need it to be acute...
so in russian: inserting a ь prior to the next
letter is like stating a western slavic acute symbol
above the letter, in this case: n... or ń (eńya...
celtic singer, women in their 50s will know).
        now i know this is written in ukranian...
   for example: камень = kameń
                       literally... the ь or "softening"
is actually an acute symbolism to a sound that's
stressed... by double standards... you write
the cryrillic                     нь = ń
                     and that doesn't mean soft... it means
sharp / acute version of n.
                        i actually can't believe i didn't
see that before!
     what was wrong with me? or... what was
wrong with them?
            well, there will always be variations,
we latins like to make things compact...
fiat 126p... fiat cinquecento...
                   they're the ones with siberia
and ******* cadillacs... i've got a thumb up
my *** that hasn't seen any **** prior
and i'm thinking about even tighter streets of
labyrinth venice... so... huh?!

what's the actualy "story" about?
   i've managed to grow a beard that has "side-burns"
a bit like uncle albert's in only fools & horses...
and i was giving it the trim, along with the moustache
that was also like a **** garden that got in
the way of sipping a sharpshooter (excess whiskey
minimum ms. pepsi, a bit like a shandy:
beer topped with a dash of lemonade...
oh **** snakebite... i had that once...
         beer and cider topped with ribena?! ugh)
      ****... lost the proper punctuation mark to continue:
so i had basically had to sharpen the scissors
i had to cut the excess hair off...
          and i sharpened my scissors on a sharpening
stone... an osełka... точил(ь)ньιй камен(ь)
                                tochilńji (ee) kameń...
                   i'm ****** sure that's ukranian...
                                    if i were russian i'd say:
that orthography is retarted... or it's only ******* when
you put on latin spectacles and go:
              how the **** am i going to translate that
and not give a **** about the linguistic alphabet
that's even more *******?
    ю (you) я (me) think ь ought to be hidden from
the linear progression of letters... like ' in acute n (ń)?
        or like that chemical example i gave
in terms of breathing and going H lower-case 2 O?
leinstinct May 2016
H
We were inseparable
We were something else
We were the beginning  of an ending
We were painful tears full of joy
We were desire that could not unfold

The only i trusted
The only i truly loved
Spend my life with you i could

Something i never wanted to let go of
Someone I'd like to have my whole life

Not based on intoxication
Not based on the venom we are fed
Not based on pleasure
Had nothing to do with ***
More than anything it was a life long friendship

Maybe you did not feel that way
Maybe you did not care
Maybe you are happier now
Maybe i was one more of the same
Maybe i was just a passtime
Maybe i gave one too many *****
Whilst you actualy did not care

Anyhow i hope the best for you
Wish you nothing but the best
I would still drink all your pains away
And do anything to make you stay

But truly i was just food for your ego
I always made you feel so great
I was always there for you
You for me? You were more involved in your own ****

I would still confort you evey day
Make a big deal of every detail
I would still be there and truly care
You'd still be my first choice
I know i was always rebound
I dont really care

Still i hope i mattered
Still i hope you cared
Still i hope you feel the same way
Still i hope we end the war
Still i hope I'll see you again
Still i hope we make amends
Tainara Apr 2017
I shut them up. The feelings.
I tell them to keep quiet so I can pretend they're not here.
And they do, they are silent.
But it should make me feel good and it doesn't.
I just feel nothing until I feel everything together.

There are days and weeks and months of nothing.
Of ignoring the pain in my heart hoping it'll go away
if I pretend it's not there; of holding back tears when
they threaten to fall, until my head hurts with the
effort; of telling myself it's all alright and I'm actualy
okay; of being numb and empty. As I supress the bad
feelings, I also supress the good ones. I feel absolutely
nothing.

And then, out of a sudden, resulting usually of too much
time alone and overthinking, the feelings can't be controled
any longer. And I cry, and it hurts like hell. The feelings scream
and kick and fight because they don't wan to be silenced again.
And there's this voice inside my head mocking me and telling
me they'll always be there even if I pretend they're not.
I know, it doesn't matter what I do, they'll win anyway.

But I shut them up again.
I may not win, but I keep fighting.
I have to.
One day, I hope, they'll be gone for good.
And then I'll enjoy the silence.
Claire Elizabeth Aug 2014
I’m drunk,
like,
actualy drunk and i find that all i want is you,
still,
even affter ive forgotten alot of other peoples names.
i think my brain is fried and i still don’t care because the psrt that holds you is still ther and i think thats all that matters, really.
Louis Segoe Jun 2020
am looking for black one                        actualy i am not in her way                   but she always come in my way           mybe i've been cassed a black speel     so that i can not avoid         i wonder if God will support.
by louis from #ludovico poems
Anna-Marie Rose May 2019
Somewhere in this world is the
Reason ..
I get mind ****** If I had no skills
He wouldn't still be with me
I'm sure of it ..
Selfish to think
I was really that important

Actualy quite the opposite
My tongue is just the Reason to
Pretends he cares

I'm just a waste if time
He says he doesn't deserve me


Maybe I am just a battle ship
Waiting to sink
Over speak and over. Think
Pitiful to think I was better then
Her .. He whorshiped the ground she walked on .. I will never stand a chance
She will always rule the shadows of my relationship
Taunting hiim


He could have her but got stuck with. Me
Im so bitter to say things
lashing out of anger
But I feel as if I'm just tge second choice cuz he couldn't have her
He dumped me for her December 22 2018
starchild Nov 2017
When you just get pushed away
when you just fade away
you encounter a monster
a monster with a open face
then you'll begin to race
but you can not run away from your deamons
so you go to the up side down
where its dark and cold
and everything there is the exact opposite
but much darker
where the monsters can get you
but I actualy would feel welcome
because they made me a monster so this place could be home
if the monsters wouldn't **** me to
so no matter who you are a villain or not
don't get caught
caught up side down
or the monsters will get you
but if your like me
show those monsters what true crazy looks like
set the score past eleven
and be a maniac
because that's what it takes to **** a monster
all the way to the alter
all the way upside down
I know it doesn't ryhme but if you don't like it please suggest :)
Wendy Buckley Mar 2019
How did this happen?
I can still feel your hand
in my hair.
I can't comprehend...
How could I prepare?
I thought we covered every angle.
But now I'm alone,
With my heart in a tangle.
We set the boundries.
You agreed, just for fun.
You said no feelings.
We said no emotion.
Then we both did things
we said we wouldn't do.
But you started it.
You said "I love you".
What did I say when u let it slip?
Never again I said
"Thats It!"
Actualy, I begged,
It was more like a plea.
This wasn't how it was supposed to be.
You just got back into bed,
threaded your fingers through my hair.
I thought, "Please don't do this to me..."
And with that stare,
you made me see.
Like a Knife cutting through
You said "It's ok to love me"
And Oh God, how I loved you.
And it was was done.
There was nothing else I could do.
No more just for fun.
You said right there.
Promised you wouldn't go.
There with Your fingers threaded through my hair.
And now I don't know
U don't play fair.
I'm  Caught...
You should be there
Some how I forgot...
I wasn't supposed to care...
No forget me not...
It was that penetrating stare...
Somehow I missed that angle...
With Your hand in my hair....
You're forever stuck in the tangle.
Ankit Dubey May 2019
When I say you,  I am sleepy.
Then you just try to leave me alone so that I can sleep well.
But actually that silence hurts me more that creates more ease in my heart, and then I do never sleep.
Baby,
When will you understand me ?
Whrn will you come to know what I actually want ?
Have you ever tried to feel that why I again n again say to you that m sleepy.
Wheather if I want to sleep inly without you in loneliness n quietness then I simply can say , please go I want to sleep.
But the fact is it that I want you to be with me.
Beacuse with you I do not remains a simple person. I just become someone else, someone special actualy someone very special.
I know you love me alot. And no one can love me like you.
But please baby understand what I want.

Baby I simply want to say-"  when I say you, i am sleepy. It doesent mean that I want you to go away n leave me alone.
That particular time I actually want you to lay down with me and hug me as tight as u can, so that I can sleep without any fear. Because I know that my world is with me."
And  when you are with me then it feels like-
I and you are for each other for always.
We are different than others.
We are the lovers the true ones.
I feel like I am in the heaven.
It make me feel safe.
I love u. N I want you to love me .
Butore than that it is important that we should understand each others feeling. We should understand what other want from me.
It will make us together forever. You are my angel n always you will be.

I love you
Jonas May 2021
Beliving in something
actualy caring about something
again
is hard
cause you're riskig of losig it
and you lost it before
and you can't be disappointed again
can you?
Mateuš Conrad Feb 2018
the actualy need need for a d.n.a. narrative
to be established can only imply that:
the narrative per se is pointless...
  because why would there be an
imperative of both individualism and
collectivism: hush it dr. X i'm
trying to sort this one out...
                        there's a d.n.a. narrative?
i have to actually act upon a gene
without a gene acting upon me?
  and i need to give genetics the status
of history?
        sure, **** yeah: d'oh d'oh d'oh:
the nod before the yes and
no as question...
                   sign me up sg. ****-pants....
did i ever tell you that i wish
i joined an army and subsequently
wrote a ****** autobiography?
       i did neither except the last, quasi:
biography-momentum..
          i just can't see past
the ******, annoying, ****-worthy
staging of an "impetus" to live...
i can, at least, think about
   a categorical imperative...
  but leaving the open air on
   a categorical impetus so open, wild,
and anglican?! you have to be dull
as a buffalo to completely agree
with that is being said, even though:
university of life versus university
is true...
              don't bother with
a university... you'll only be taught
be people more interested
by their research than pedagogy:
let me spell it out
u n i v r e s i t y ≠ p e d a g o g y;
university is a bit like
a holocaust denial...
      i really hope it didn't happen,
because whatever happened
when i was there:
had only a matter of memory
to convince in being useful.
   i still can't buy into biology, of all
the science: reclaiming the status of
history...
       why the **** would i want
to buy into passing on my d.n.a.?!
   how about a thought,
akin to what Poland represents when
the black plague spread across Europe
with the metaphor of Islam at hand...
how about: *******?!
Orli Sep 2020
When your brain is so messed up it's
willing
To give you a lifetime supply
Of reasons why
You should hope to die
You know all your thoughts must be spilling
Over the sides
Of your sick mind
That whispers lies
Exept they're not soft
but the loudest cries
filling
The part of your brain
That is actually sane
Saying it's a shame
That your so weak and stupid and lame you're actualy
killing
The world around you.
And I have no choice but to
believe it.

— The End —