So many hurries ..
So many worries.
So many notion..
None can console my emotion.

Feeling tired and hurt..
No one look at me I detect.
Difference of one day..
Till day before yesterday.

People were suppose close to me..
Now don’t  find way around me.
Till yesterday they  do not hesitate to meet..
Now with cold handed come to greet.

Every one looks up without any expectation..
Keeping mum, so many emotions.
To see people passing by..
Bare mind  wish to cry.

So many hope all tentative..
Some positive mostly negative.
May be i am like a used piece of paper..
Zigzag lines twisted taper.

x-x-x-x
                                                 ­             
*©deovrat 'अयन' 01.08.2014

how many times did we come here
with the intention
of never leaving the car.
and now i'm here
staring out at the abondoned building
we called our home.
and i wish you were here
just to hold my hand.

little children are abondoned by thier parents,                                                  left to raise each other on their own,  learn to survive in the streets,            forced to live under the influence of drugs and earn a living from mugging.                                                         ­                                                    Mothers forced to labour with children on thier backs,                         they rather sleep with empty stomachs sacrifising only for their children.                                                        ­                                                    Man begging for food,they nolonger know how to give.                          They wear shreaded clothes and survive from the tiny bread crumps thrown into trash cans.                They sleep under the fierce weathers, the wind cutting through thier skin and all that keep them warm is plastic bags.                                                            ­                                 What ever happened to my country is surely brutal South Africa can never be the same again unless we change it.

Weep no more my child
I can see your eyes worn out with wailing
Your heart bursting with argony
And an exhaustion of hopelessness dwelling upon you

Weep no more my child
For I knew upon my death
You would be shattered within
Floating in a river of unanswered questions
Crashed by waves of regret and sorrow
Looking for a way to make it all stop
Perhaps hope to wake up
And realize it was just another dreadful nightmare

Weep no more my child
There is nothing more you could have done
To stop the jaws of death
From claiming my life
For my time had come
But I depart with overwhelming joy and satisfaction
Knowing you were there up to the very end

Weep no more my child
For I made sure you could stand on your own
Am confident the strong person I've groomed you to be
Can face the tides and storms of this world
And the morals I've instilled in you
Will see you through all things

Weep no more my child
For you're not abondoned
Even though they now consider you an orphan
For through your character and every aspect of your life
Am visible to those who can't see me
And within your heart
I'll forever live
What a beautiful place to stay!

Weep no more my child
In you am alive
I feel my blood running through your veins
My strength radiant in your muscles
I see my courage in everything you do
And in your reflection I see myself

So weep no more my child
For am still here within your own self.

Truths twisted for the conveniece of others
all assumed trusts abondoned
much invested, non respected much love given but nothing back
when will they see how horrible they are
when will they see what they have done
they know not of any other who has ever done what they have
making up stories in their heads
and saying it so much to themselves and others that they believe its true
phone calls of deception, testimonies of lies
framed, defamed and misnamed
one little voice believes
even in the face of all so knowledgeable
one lttle voice knows the truth
thank you little voice

I've been lost in understanding how gravitational fields work. How can two things feel such a strong force of attraction for each other, yet never have to touch?

It wasn’t until I met you that I experienced this sensation for myself. From the moment I met you I could feel a pull. It’s as if you were a bright sun, and I was a newly formed planet that fell right into your orbit. My entire life was centered on your existence.

Just walking into the room and seeing your face sent waves crashing into my vessel walls.

 Something happened in the moments that we spent together, a certain feeling that I've never again had the pleasure to experience... because let's face it, we had *** in the most peculiar of methods.

 It wasn’t the typical emotional sparks that fly when you find yourself in a happy state of mind. No, this was something entirely different

It started with my attraction towards our every conversation; each one a magnet that pulled me further in love with you.

The words your tongue would mold drifted out of your mouth and landed delicately against my lips. It was enough to ***** my happiest of thoughts.

Your smile was like the sun radiating against my skin on a scorching summer day. It undressed my misery and allowed all my negativity to be abondoned.

The way you would look at me with your hazel eyes left me naked, but in a way that never made me uncomfortable to be so exposed with you.

Your honesty was merely foreplay to the end we were both so lustful for. An end that would leave both of us appreciative of the experiences we had.

The promises you made me were penetrating, leaving scars that to this day still exist.

Thrusting your love for me in our final moments felt like a never ending ******. My heart swelled with glimpses of our future we would spend side by side.

Then it happened. You put a mirror in front of me and said that we were done. I was left watching myself burst at the seams.

Years have past and I still look into that glass and see a reflection of who I used to be.


--------------------------------------------------------------­----------------


I think of those times that we spent together and I sense an itch. I want to scratch the nooks of my emotions that have been absent from the moment I was last with you.

I have felt so cold, shivering as I bundle under my blanket of reality.

I ache for the warmth that you got me in the habit of feeling.

I desperately need to snuggle with your presence and get newly lost in a maze of passion.

I wish I was the fastest man on earth so I could  flash, back to when my life wasn't so ****** up.
To the times we'd escape the ever-present construct of our lives being comprised of only instants; because to us each breath we shared felt infinite.

I get now that you never put a mirror between us at the end. I was actually watching you go through exactly what I did.

You are my reflection. You always have been.

Living without you is like........
Raining in Winters,
Garden without sprinklers,
Egg without yolk,
My shoe pair got broke.
It's like flower without fragrance,
Sun without radiance.
My beliefs got wrecked,
Love you to the moon back.

Loving him is so **** hard
When I don’t know what we are anymore
I wish that we could go from the start
When everything was free and fun.

Smoking till I couldn’t walk
Lying in the car with him
As we waited for the others
The days when I was his doll
And everything I did he thought was adorable.

Now all that is abondoned
I want to regard him with contempt
But I can’t
I am not that way
And I hope that he is not either
But I never knew him so I can’t tell

I just want to talk to him
Have him answer my many questions
Tell me why he left
But he never will and I will never know
I will never be able to talk to him
never get the answers from him
No matter how much I implore
He will never talk to me again.

He will talk to her from now on
And never to me
But I understand and accept this pain
It’s better to have her happy than me
I was born to suffer in order to allow other’s happiness
They are happy
And I am not
And that is how it is supposed to be
And that is how it will always be
As a healer I must be the sufferer to know how to heal others
And I am learning that I was never meant to have him
He was a lesson that strengthened my belief
That I’m destined for solitude and exempt from intimacy

.
                                  A week in my mind,
                       My body carelessly toured
                                                      My home
           And the world through a screen.

      I have been acting a moth on a wall
                      Repelling any movements,
                                    An itch on my nose
           Or a flutter of my devilish wings.

                   I drifted through the rooms,
          Making a few grunts in response,
       Words typed into measured boxes,
                           And my eyes cast down.

                                       But on my wings,
              Were two massive hidden eyes
                             Dressed as black spots,
          Almost as if they were torn holes.

                                           So things I saw,
                                                I overheard,
                                                   I observed
                                         And I scoffed at-

                            Two little glowing suns
                Blinding, lay in a pile of meat.
                                           Two little birds
                               That never got wings.

                                    A digital document
   Defining accomplishments of my life,
                                                   One big lie
                              I can't seem to correct.

                         One platform lined with
A millions dreams and secrets spilled.
                                       That shuts down
      Comes up but the dreams are tired.

           One big assembly of happy feets
                          A roar of laughter at me.
      An hour of lesson will be forgotten,
                                     I was a case study.

           One small group of broken souls
                              And delusional hearts
                                  To keep up my past,
                                               I abondoned.

                                             One thin book
                                Parted in the middle,
                                               Upside down
                                I can't seem to finish.

                                             Two sore legs
                                      And heavy thighs,
                                        Chipped off nails
                               In an attempt to shed.

                          Given up ideas on paper
                          Stacked inside a drawer.
                                           Dried off paint,
                                  Major white spaces.

                                             A swollen sky,
                                       A blistering land,
                                             Wilted plants.
                       Rain since morning today.

                                           An unmed bed,
                         Pile of shirts in the chair,
                   Wires tangled on two tables.
                                     A corner left to sit.

                                         One dear friend,
                                  Some unsaid words.

(I am a mess)
No point made (?)

Ocean of sounds,
lights are forever,
Gods,
are forgotten,
while man,
is forever,
like a lost letter,
like an abondoned car,
like a kiss,
like her eyes,
that Sailors and jail keepers,
carve her image,
onto wood,
Ocean of thoughts,
storm of eyes,
palm of hope,
palm of destiny,
as we all,
sigh,
reminiscing.

Pictures frolic like wild horses
Painting portraits in the distance
of human touch and raining luck

I came across a satellite,
Abondoned from telecom
and burned to pieces

The atmosphere shaped the light
blinding circumstances
Causing jewels of denial

I’m on my way to lonely death
The way the noose and
Juice call for acceptance
For not long this craving
Is waiting to escape

These thoughts traverse circles
Of wild red woods admitting their age

Inhale

               Exhale


I watch you as you walk with your shoulders and your head held high
So much confidence you leave in your footsteps
the smile you give to the world and the 'Feeling' you leave with people in your absence
I hear the way you speak,
Your deep baritone with so wisdom in your voice like you've been living on the earth for 100 years instead of 18


You didn't think Id notice but when you were walking I saw the falter in your step,
The way your head kind of sunk low and you walked as if you had the weight of the world on your shoulders
Instead of confidence in your footsteps I saw the cigarettes in yours tracks leading to the abondoned shack where you scream your suffering to the world,
I remember hearing you speak to the people and they heard a smart man speaking but I heard a man who was confused and scared that he might not make it to see the next day,
You've been living on this cruel cruel world for 18 years but you wished that you haven't witnessed not even 1,
Your sad, your scared, your hopeless but your not alone.

Oh sweet sweet boy, how you thought you tricked the world.

I promise you,
It's going to be all right.

I know, this is coming from a mildly suicidal mess-of-a-girl who really has no business in giving advice,
But please, if there's one thing you can do, just listen-

I've been to those places where the moon doesn't shine
And the starlight cuts sharper than a needle to your wrist
I've watched demons crawl from my closet doors in the dark hours of the morning
When neither love nor teddy bear could save me

I've told myself I'm pointless and futile
That I never give enough, never do enough
That I'm never enough

I have tasted the poison, it burned my throat with unspeakable pain
One dose, and you feel as if you're all alone
But I promise
It will be okay

This life is fatal
It is mind-numbingly ordinary, it twinkles with complexity
It is beautiful, it is terrible
Whatever it shows itself to be, you are in it, here, now
And that means something
You mean something

You can choose with your something.
You can choose to leave this place, and it will be alright. Death is a friend of mine, he's promised me over and over again that his world is better than I've imagined it to be. He whispers of a place that is quiet, warm and even more beautiful than life...

I choose to stay.

I've picked my posion
The pain twists beneath my skin, stronger now than ever before, but it holds hands with euphoria and
I don't want to let go

You have your choice too.
And I promise that, wherever your journey has abondoned you today,
it will be alright
You will be okay.

Dont want to lose you,
In the bloodthirsty radious of my zone of alienation,
Anomalies may point and shoot you back,
To your abondoned planet ,
where you came from,
Couples of light years ago