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  Mar 14 Shanath
Iskra
Laying in my bed curled up
Acid in my throat because I didn’t eat
Clenching my fists around my blankets because I can’t sleep

Are you thinking of me?
Laying in a tent, uncomfortably,
Snuggling close to your fluffy white dog or your younger brother to stay warm.

Are you missing me?
No. Not the way I’m missing you
You’re not thinking of me the way I’m thinking of you
And though it means the world to me that a beautiful soul like yours is friends with a storm cloud like me, it shatters my heart into thousands of sharp, jagged pieces that you’re
~ just ~
my friend.

“I’m sorry but I need to know, is it mutual? It’s alright if it’s a no, I can handle it, I just want you...to be honest”
A pause...
Then the raindrop falls.
“Right now, it’s a no”

Ripples.
Right now.
Right now.
Right now.
No.
No.
No.
STOP.
I care about you so much, I know I need to let you go, so you would never read this, and I would never show anyone this.
It’s all swirling around in my chest, faster and faster until it explodes, word ***** and tears.
I love you.

I didn’t tell you I loved you, only that I had feelings for you.
Why bother? It would’ve made things more painful for me, more bitter for you.

But I can’t show you this.
I don’t want you to change.
I don’t want you to change the way you speak to me, to change your mind when you’re about to type a heart emoji,
to stop yourself after just saying “goodnight” and leave out the “baby”

This is my undoing, not yours, and I want you to keep letting me be your anchor, your shoulder, your shield, my open arms waiting to catch you when you tumble from your flight.
I can’t keep loving you, I can’t stop loving you.
I want to stop feeling at all.
Thank you all so much for all your compassion and the amazing comments. Your kindness brought me to tears. I’d send hugs and healing (if I could) to those of you who commented because you’re experiencing the same thing right now, and I promise you, even though it hurts like **** now, it does get better.
The heart beats slower laying down
Weight of grave dirt heavy underneath
Sleep of the dead being a rapid rest
Fills the now with purposeful breath
  Jan 6 Shanath
Pagan Paul
.
Dust hangs in the still air,
caught by a shaft of light,
shiny sprinkles float serene,
in space a string-less kite.

A particle catches the eye,
playing tai-chi within a ray,
the stationary free dance
of a mote at indulgent play.




© Pagan Paul (25/12/18)
.
Shanath Jan 6
And now my words have died
Without smoke
Without a last sputtering of spit.
There are no ashes
No burnt pieces for me to keep.

And now my words have died
Without a last strong gasp
Without a mark of nails dragged.
There are no etchings
No last message for me to decode.

And now my love is gone
Without a residue of memories
Without any final words.
There are no photographs
No love letters for me to cherish.

And now my love is gone
Without a fight
Without suppressed emotions kept down.
There are no regrets
No second chances for me to go back.

And now the last drop of water has dried
Without a ring on the table
Without a ***** in the ground.
There are no slippery edges
No soaked soil for me to collect.

And now all the water has dried
Without a river
Without a cloud of hope.
There are no oceans
No seas for me to reach.

I warn you my dear hearts
The end is nearer than you know.
The earth is dying
And so are our hearts,
Our insides ridden with cancer
Our blood drenching the hands of our friends.
The animals are up against us
Because we, we did them wrong
And mother nature furious,
Is breaking on us.

And I warn you my dear hearts,
Do not go, do not die
Without an apology.
All our lives
The lives we stole
From the genocides to wars
To the deaths we delayed,
I warn you my dear hearts,
The bodies we polluted
With our bare hands and thighs,
Do not, do not forget
To apologize
For all the blood we drank.

I tell you, I tell you
It is never the end of the love,
The disappearance of the words
That hurt me,
It is the fact that they went unannounced,
Silently, quietly
In my sleep
Everything around me died
And I couldn't even weep.

So cry out your apologies,
Your last words of thanks
The end is nearer than you think
So blow your horns out
As we leave.
We were a storm
A plague upon others
So go out with your hands folded
And pray all our sins
Are in due time forgiven.
Will you help me?
I write poetry
for eveything else
has failed

My life has no bottom
It's **** down inside
my well

Do not feel like you are
sorry
Do not feel at all

Go write some kind of
poetry
It's better than digging wells
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