my mother hoisted my hospital bed
to the top of the tower
she said i could use some sunlight
little did she know
the sun would burn
and i wouldn’t be able to scream

a no I have
a yes I can get
a no I can give myself

it’s not that i don’t want to go back
i don’t even know if my grounds are sound

i just don’t want to be the person to return
only when someone has died

soms kan ik er nog steeds
moeilijk bij

dat het volgen van je hart
vaak niet de juiste keuze is

het gaat in tegen alles
wat ik dacht te zijn

en toch slaag ik er in
er in te geloven
en te beseffen
dat het geen leugen is

today, i befriended a spider
they say you should face your fears head on
in a way, i’ve been doing it for years

and i am always the one
doing the suffering
i wonder if anybody else
were to be the one
whether i’d exhale or run

do i fall in love with people anymore
or do i fall in love with how much they love me

that’s how long every date takes
until i realise they’re not you
and it’s time to go home

things are ok
until you’re not

sure anymore
if this particular thing
is part of the everything

that will fall into place
in the end

my life did not use
to be a minefield

just a field
of dry grass
and dead trees

i command my thought queen
to keep her revolting peasants in order
until i remember
she’s a queen of the people

im wondering
if i was told
i had one day
left to live
how much of it
i would spend
-or waste-
thinking of u

i fantasise about telling you
how i’ve felt all this time
how i knew we’d marry
things i can’t tell you now
or it wouldn’t actually happen

things i could comfortably
tell you later
*** it wouldn’t scare you off
since we’d be together
and it’d only warm your heart

tonight at the dinner table
i couldn’t stop staring
at the empty chair

i blinked my eyes
and you were there
enjoying my mother’s fare.


i gave you a smile

i take back the missing
being an empty one

it is very full
overflowing

i don't regret saying what i did
i felt and saw what it was
before it was

and might not be

you wanna have it easy
see me before you leave

have that time be easy
not hear about my pain

what's the use
of this abuse

to see each other
spark my love for one another

to go home
and feel utterly alone

you say don't think of what's to come
enjoy before it's done

as if it would ease
that one more tease
that one more kiss
that feeling of bliss

you say rather now than later
you are right

let me leave now
rather than you leave later

i think back of our moments
and how lucky i was

i wish i could go back
and know how lucky i was

if there’s no new ones to come

as i'm breathing shorter
i know i've failed you

you didn't want me
to dwell on you

i should've been better
by now

forgive me
for loving you

(the only way i know how to)

sometimes i catch myself
going over the things you said

and wonder if there were things
you didn’t say

if you felt selfish things
you considerately couldn’t say

things
i would have liked to hear

things that would cause us pain