I'm stressed and undressed at the foot of your bed.
But you can't hear me from inside your head.
The floor creaks but you don't move even the slightest.
Do you know how much I need you?

I curl slowly into myself and the tears pour.

I'm awake, you're asleep and I'm needing you more,

now than ever before. It's making me feel like a hurricane.

One that sweeps you up and you wouldn't even know it because

You're still sleeping and I'm driving, or wanting to drive to your apartment and press the button to buzz

you awake. Isn't it strange that we hear some things so easily and familiar like an alarm,

but a gut feeling is completely ignored as you lay there sleeping?

And I'm awake.

You
Create an eclipse in my mind
Words cannot form
Yet I'm so alive
Make me so silent

You
Next to me
Our hearts are magnetic
They gravitate towards each other
Make my heart beat in rhythm with yours

You
Torture my heart
Tugging and pulling
Melting into you
Make me want you more

You
Look at me
Look into me
There you go again
Make me love you

These locks need no keys
Simplicity is the only cipher

It's under our noses
Unnoticed to all

But the few who find the answers
They are not lucky

Instead blessed.

All at once.

You see another person, trying
To explain
What it is they go through.

You take a glance
Then go back
Read it over
And over
Over

When it's over
Truly over
Not the day after
The year after
Or moreover

When you decide
What you did was wrong
Being through it for so long
You wouldn't even want a stranger to live in your situation

Whatever you do, just don't.
Don't you dare waste your time on someone that doesn't love you.

You will come to realize and wonder why you ever did go against your own morals.

I want to say it so badly.
I do know.
I'm so afraid of it.
I'm in deep.
I won't get out,
I can't get out.

The water's fine,
What about sharks?
I'm doubting myself,
"Just dive under."

You look up at me;
You fell long before I did.
You're already there,
waiting patiently/impatiently.
You can't get out.

Save you?
Forget about the sharks,
I need to do this myself.
Diving is easy when you're already in the water..

I'll close my eyes.
I'll flutter them open again.
I see you,
I don't see a trap.
I'll say it:

in the afterbreaths of ardor
there is something lingering
hanging in the air
creeping on my tongue
floating in my mouth
waiting at the edge of my vocal chords
MY HEART IS POUNDING.

I want to say it so badly
the taste is in my saliva
tingling from my tongue to my lips
swallowing the words before they escape
tensing my jaw along with the thought
clinging on to the phrase
MY HEART IS POUNDING.

it travels down my spine
never ceasing to leave me
crawling down each vertebrae
shivering my entire being
collapsing this sense of self
gripping on to me for good
MY HEART IS POUNDING.

in a harsh breath
the words exit quickly
breaking through the barrier
existing outside of my head
opening a new realm in the moment
echoing into the air: "I'm falling in love with you."

I was the one you were never
supposed to let go.
I was the one who really ever
cared.
I was there for you whenever
you needed someone

One swift move of the hand and I
am stabbed in the back
Torn and ripping at each seam of my skin
Trying to understand what it is
you really think I did wrong.

I was left here apart
I still care
And as terrible as it is
I would still be there for you

How could I possibly want to restitch this wound
The now seamless free skin
Still hurt but trying to heal with each time
I feel the knife again

You have no idea what you once were to me
I can't believe I actually thought
you cared about me.
Now I realize that you were never there
when I needed someone.

In the midst of this pain, at least I have someone permanent to heal me as you replace what once healed you time after time.

Let's sit here awhile
Talk about the past
Dream of the path
I need life balanced

More importantly I need you

When my head is full
Of things unsaid
My bed is empty
Eye won't close

The visuals and memories in these lids

Until I'm with you
Walking with locked arms
Dancing for no one
But ourselves

Raining down on each other.

I was talking.
I was falling.
And then I was dreaming.
About you, about me, us.
About life, where I wasn't, where I should be.
Then I was awoken.
Not under the covers.
Not in my bed.
On the cold hard floor.
Where the lights were blinding, shifting, hot.
Where everyone looked at me worried, whispered, stared.
This has happened before.

It's nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing more than a dreamt reality.
Nothing more than a place I wish I never had waken up from
How long will it be until someone wakes me again?

I’ve been telling everyone

I’ve been trying to understand

I cannot even begin to comprehend all of the thoughts that run rampant until 2 am:

I love you.
Or the idea of you, I am unsure.

I hate you.
For what you have done,
I am sure.

I love you.
I would go back to you,
if only you asked.

I hate you.
For who you have become,
I am the only one who asked if
only I could come back.

I love you.
You do not love me.
You will not say it back.

I hate you.
You are the one
You are the one who said
“I love you” first.

I love you.
I am the one to say
“I love you” last.

Standing on the shore.

I watch and wait.

What am I waiting for?

Nothing.

Just a moment to come by.

Maybe you.

Nothing.

This is the only time I am patient.

When waiting for nothing.

You might not understand now,

but you will.

Just watch the clouds that slowly dance

in the sky

Watch the sun move down the horizon,

changing rays of color.

Watch the waves flowing swiftly away.

Now you know what I am waiting for.

Nothing.

Why do I keep thinking of you

It doesn't matter anymore, I shouldn't like you

I hate you, yet for some reason thoughts of you lurk in my mind

We were friends, now what? Nothing?

What happened between us, only we know

Actually only you, I'm still confused

It wasn't that long

A summer wasted

I fell in a trap

Caught in what was seemingly untrue

And you.

What could possibly drift in your head?

Do you ever think of me, will you ever?

Everyone knows nothing

No one knows who you are exactly

What thoughts race through you

They don't understand you

Nether do I.

You told me, and I told you a lot.

You listened, you remembered even.

Now what?

Do you still ever think of me

Like I do of you?

To go away with you just one day
just one day.
That's all I ask
To have you
and you and only you
To hear your laugh and listen to your thoughts
Be together only us
And go back
Fall on a bed and just sleep
That's all I ask.

I’ve never been so glad to come home at night to hear the television blasting

This time it wasn’t cheerful voices from the home shopping network belting out about a product

It was a live Cat Stevens concert and it made me shiver to listen to someone whose voice sounded so real.

I hit my head so hard
it did not crack open.
I fell down every single step
and did not break a single bone.

Am I allowed to fall in love again?
Is it fair? I want it to be.

Not really.
Well sort of.
We watch for a few minutes.
Until...
We think the same thing.
You look at me
I at you
We smile in unison
Gravitate towards each other
Then the real movie starts.

We watch the end,
I go towards the door.

"Just one more?"
"You don't have to ask twice."

"How was the movie?"
Oh dear.

It seems to me

I'm always left

Here

Just here, standing

A small piece

Of you, for awhile

Happens every time

I'm left here

Waiting for what?

You to come back?

No. Never.

Just waiting to be left again

And again

Here.

Lost on a beach is where I'd want you to find me.

Walking alone, letting my heart beat it's own pace.

Smiling at the sun, you watch me.

Laughing as I trip in the sand.

Crying underneath the sound of the waves.

Would you hear me?

I always thought it would be me
That I would get fed up
I would leave.

I never thought that you would be the one to do it,
to make me hurt
I didn't think you would do it.

You said you would always love me
Now it's "I love you but..."
You say "I still love you though."

You wonder if we're just friends
Even though we are so much more
You tell me you don't know if you want to be in a relationship anymore.

I'm trying so hard to save this,
this investment of us is so much
I'm scared and confused.

I don't know how many ways I can tell you, I just want us to stay.

You asked me what I dreamt,
I had dreamt of soup.

I could have told you that,
but I couldn't tell you this:

I dreamed that we were staring at soup.
It was green and thicker than peas.
I was stirring my spoon in and out of the bowl,
picking up the lurking liquid
dripping it right back into the murky waters.

We were silent, but after some time,
you said "I love you."
I said it back very quickly and casually,
it was as if I had told you before!
So you said it louder, you exclaimed it even stronger,
"I LOVE YOU."

Noodles immediately floated to the surface of the soup.
The thickness cleared to spell out the three words that
I had been wanting to say, and wanting you to say.

I burst into tears.
I picked up the spoon.
I scooped up the letters and ate "I love you".

You always said:

I want you
to live your dreams.

Never in a billion years
did you ever believe:

You would be the one
who destroyed them.

I spent the weekend in a city
With a friend, I was so happy
I come back and the excitement is vanishing quicker than you

The second I come home late
I am alone again
I am alone again
I am alone again

When will these feelings leave
I wish they would have left with you or quicker than you

The emotions overwhelm me
I am crying again
I am crying again
I am crying again

I have these moments of happiness and then they disappear quicker than you

When will it be enough, I just want to say
I am alive again
I am alive again
I am alive again

the ghost in me
hides in you too
we pass the days holed up in our spaces, looking at the familiar faces
on screens they act, they type,
they talk through speakers
loud enough to drown the thoughts
we have to hear in darkness when
everything isn’t
so clear, the sky they say will be
soon I hope I can get over this

the piles lay
untouched in the laundry and the sink and every single time
I blink away the motivation like it will get done
tomorrow is another day but why not
why not today?
time is always ticking
faster I see the days go by
without accomplishing anything of any
significance, can’t you see the significance in the way you’re wasting away from here and into
the void that is tomorrow, it’s next week, it’s next month,
it’s not important
keep telling yourself
I need to be better
When is better?

It was just a dress
But in the moment I knew that it was everything.

A mustard yellow velvet dress
graced my body as I stepped out
with a smile on my face.

My sisters looked at me with excitement

But I turned to you and you did not even look.

My sister called out your name, you said “what?”

It wasn’t just a dress that you didn’t care to see,

it was me.

When you go through something,
and I mean something,
there are people who are there for you.
People who would do anything for you.

A few months pass and you feel better
and I mean it, you do feel better.
But for some godforesakenfuckedup reason
No one will let it go after you already have.

People are scared of your sensitivities that no longer exist,
And I mean it's like you no longer exist
as the same person you were
before going through something.

You are never entirely new and I want you to remember that.
And I mean that you are still you, just changed.

You can't go back but you just have to trudge forward.
And I mean trudge, I mean crawl, I mean drag yourself forward.
You sound crazy to everyone, you will be called crazy
You will stay true to yourself.

Only you can decide if you are crazy.
And I mean everyone is scared of me,
but I am not.

It’s weird how time passes
Like how it was going to be your last show before you went away
And I didn’t go

But now I’m here and you’ve been back
We’re dating different people
I love him, you do not love her
But I know you think I look pretty tonight

And here I am bopping along to the song
I had heard in the studio that I thought was too repetitive
Waiting for the song you’ll never write about me