the meds cant work if i dont take them













and yet i dont really care

there's bile in my throat
and a burning in my eyes
my chest is constricting
I feel as though I may die

I can't breath
my lungs are breaking
the world is blurry
my hands are quaking

there's this numbness now
it followed suit
so I know a panic attack
is painfully acute

Whole day spent watching
Watching myself, careful
Can't relax, always checking
Just enough, never too much

Blending in, hiding
Nowhere to hide, to be myself
Waiting for night, staying up late
Finally free, alone at last

It's a different kind of pain
The type that grounds the soul
A release for your brain
It makes you feel more whole
Only lasts a second, gone so quick
Yet its enough, it must be
And yes, I know its sick
But it's the last way left to flee
It's disgusting, it's wrong
I know that, okay?
I'm trying to be strong
Taking it day-by-day
Just don't get how no one can see
The way I'm no longer me

people keep on telling me:
life

                   gets

                                       easier,

                        but

                                  ­      oh

                                                       ­  no,

                                        no

                ­                                          it

                   ­                                                      does

                                                           ­                                   not      


it gets manageable.

so when people say:
"you

              get

                          used

                                           to

                                                        it,
 ­                                           
                     ­                    the
                                                      
      ­                                                people

         ­                                                              leaving,
                                                                ­                          
                                      ­                                                      the

                                                                ­                                           lies
                  
                                         ­                                                    and
                          
                                                                ­                grief",

                                        ­                            I
                            
                                   ­                  just
                              
                             ­       want
                      
                      to
                                      
scream.
because that's just not true.
I'm

         not

                used

                            to

                                    it
I'm

         just

                   numb...

one shower a night
two naps per week
three skipped meals a month
four plans canceled  
five days of hell
six hours till they sleep
seven sleepless nights
endless days of suffering

constant pretending
no letting my guard down
waiting for the blanket of night
to suffocate me and my grief

these are my deadlines
till im the one dead

A beautifully, intricate creation
Formed by a child's imagination
Capturing life through another's eyes
No room left for abnegation
The paintbrush bleeds as an artist cries
A clean canvas presents us with endless tries
Art is an unrestricted liberation
Accessible during both lows and highs
Acting as life's illustration
As our society's restriction dies

don't hold yourself that way
to keep this pain at bay
for as they always say
"its okay to not be okay"
just remember to hide it away
and make pretend, you'll play
then paint away the gray
hide in a hidden ashtray
just to make it through today
so remember, its okay to not be okay
that's what they always say
so long as it's not actually that way

.          *******               *******         *******                  *******
           I was just            I just saw          I just heard            I was just
           ripped               your                                your                     torn
           back                 eyes                                    laugh                  ba­ck  
           into                 in                                                  in           ­      into
           my                my                                             ­      my               my
           past            reflection                                void mind            past


                                          ­            *******
                                                      that hurt

There's this certain feeling
That only some can give
Hurting instead of healing
Leaving you to question how you live

Why am I always out of place
Always wrong, no matter how hard I try
The shame bright on my face
As I choke down the need to cry

Every argument drains me
Leaving their smiles smug
How I wish they'd hear my plea
Instead of brushing my pain under the rug

Why can't the see this calm is fake
How each insult hurts more and more
Why can't the give instead of take
Isn't that what family's for?

you've returned
to my shore
like the tide
wanting more

my mind
fast asleep
sees your face
as we weep

my chest
dully hollow
in your absence
I now wallow

I've returned
to your shore
like the tide
wanting more

your grasp
holds on tight
chained wings
can't take flight

hand in hand
****** mess
but numb hearts
don't break less

we've returned
to this shore
like the tide
needing more

I'm here to write something happy
something true and dear to heart
preferably without exposing the agony
rattling in my chest and tearing me apart

I'm here to use my love for words
to express something I don't feel
happiness, where did you go
oh, were you ever real?

were you in the breeze that made me feel like flying
as I rode my bike with neighbor boys?
or were you in the ice cream dripping on my shirt
on the summer days that buzzed with lively noise?

oh happiness, what were you?
please just let me feel
but no, how could you penetrate a heart
that's made of steal?

Solitude is where she lived.
Privacy is where she hid.
She always thought she was alone,
But was never truly on her own.
You see, it lived right by her side,
Promised to be there until she died.
She was lost, within her head.
Although so close, she wasn’t dead.
She thought she only needed love,
Or help from someone way above.
But what she required was herself,
And to work solely on her health.
To find her, and do it first.
With no one there to tell her that,
It screamed to her, and doused her thirst.
It took the stand, brought her home
It cried her name, it called her bluff
Saw her pain, declared enough
Knew her heart, and how she’d lack
The silence woke her, it brought her back

clinking and clacking
bickering and talking
i can hear them from the other room
laughter and voices
conversing and observing
i can hear them from the other room
suffocating and drowning
exhausted and done
they cant hear me from the other room
silent and void
still and unmoving
they cant hear me from the other room

How is it fair?
                     Every time I see you, you look exactly the same
            Same long hair, curly and brown
   Same eyes as before, so bright and blue

   And I wonder to myself
            Do you recognize me, as I do you?
                     As we pass in the hall
                                Does your breath catch, or you heart stall

                        Because unlike you, I’ve changed
                            I cut my hair, and dyed it red
                                   Changed my clothes
                                    My eyes now dead.

why didn't you listen
to a single word I said
I finally told you what I'd been thinking
I allowed you within my head

I told you how you hurt me
I explained just how I felt
but you ignored my pain
and your bitter words left welts

I may not have been right
but neither were you
and I'm sure as hell
you're not mature enough to know its true

you didn't even see me
just wouldn't ever listened
I loved you as you broke my heart
and saw you while my eyes glistened

I hear your laugh in my mind
it hurts more than you'll ever know
I still need you here with me
more than I'm willing to show

I hate the way you don't care
and how you just moved on
I hate the way you don't need me,
and how our love is gone

but mostly I hate myself
for loving you so recklessly
and missing you so much
stupid me, thinking you'd always love me

I really am an idiot.

I'm breaking
     I'm breaking
          I'm breaking
My hands won't stop shaking
I'm breaking
     I'm breaking
          I'm breaking
And yet people are still taking
I'm breaking
     I'm breaking
          I'm breaking
This pain is breathtaking
I'm breaking
     I'm breaking
          I'm breaking
It's just so hard faking
I'm breaking
     I'm breaking
          I'm breaking
My heart is still aching
I'm waking
     I'm making
          I'm breaking

I lie here, I listen
Watch as your tears fall
Your whispers and wails
Still, I hear them all
A piece of me yearns
To rise just once more
My hearts seared with burns
My body’s at war
‘Once more’, screams my heart
‘What for’, yells my brain
I can’t tell them apart
Don’t know how to explain
I’m dead now, I'm gone
Please let me move on

I can't quite remember
the moment
everything
shifted

when I stopped waking up
feeling anything but tired
or when I stopped going to sleep
praying for anything but the end

maybe it was the day you left
physically, I mean
or perhaps the weeks leading up
the weeks that numbed me to my bones

perhaps it was the months that followed
and the way little parts of me
seemed to just
drift away

I stopped looking both ways
while crossing a busy road
stopped being careful
while walking alone in public

I didn't notice when I stopped running
to the safety of my bed once the lights went out
instead I slowly wandered through the house
no longer afraid of the dark or what it could hide

because what can a car
or a creep
or the dark, where my fears would once reap
do that will ever compare to the way
you broke me

****** nails, scraped raw
silent screams, hearts thaw
constant morning, endless night
icy covers, fading light
walls confining, ceiling caving
desperate pleas, useless saving
silent drowning, screaming voice
blistered palms, lacking choice

One second there
The next gone
One second grounded
The next floating freely
Reality and fantasy
Constantly switching
In and out
In and out

Brain matter oozing sideways
Adults are oh so dumb
The masked man is on the loose
You need more than just a gun
Shes running for her life
The woods so very dark
Grandmother’s seen as insane
Michael Myers has left his mark

I’m scared that if I sleep too much
I won’t want to wake again.
Like my book will be finished
If for a second, I set down the pen

I’m tired, yet I don’t sleep
My eye lids like a weighted blanket
As I live life half awake
While dreaming of a casket

I’m scared of sleeping too much
Scared of losing time
Or of being awake for too long
And instead losing my mind

So, yes, I’m afraid of sleep
Of what affect it would make
Afraid I’ll lose the will to live
And lose my will to wake

But how do I differentiate  
Between too much and just enough
And how do I say I’m doing fine
Without ending in a bluff

I have so little fight left in me
And so, I’m terrified
That if I’m offered a safe place
I’ll never cease to hide

I think I'd give
the moon and the stars
to not have to watch you
from so very far


i see you talk to others
and its like
it physically
hurts
and I know
I know that's ridiculous


it's not the burning hot jealously
the one thats makes you
so mad you want to
scream
its more of an envy
because I'm not mad
I'm just really really miserable


so when I see others just
casually talking to you
making you laugh
i feel a weird longing
that just pulls me down


there's this strange thought
that just keeps on
popping into my head
saying that I could love you
better than anyone else can
because I know what its like
to lose my soul to you
and maybe im just self-absorbed
but i could almost swear that no one
will ever see what i see in you

I always sit in the back of the room, trying desperately to fade away. But as I sat in class one day, I realized it's not just my world that is so very gray.

To my right sat this girl with brown eyes, so sad, so wise. She laughed and joked, turning to me to smile. Her eyes pain ridden. All class we talked, sharing some things, others kept hidden. We were each other's life lines for sixty minutes.

That day she looked so lost, like she couldn't see the room. Her eyes were so glossed, glued to the oblivion in her mind. Her smile had shifted slightly, her laugh not quite right. All the while she gazed blindly to the front where this curly haired girl sat.  Her façade was breaking, but I think she no longer cared about that.

As I watched her watch the girl laugh and live, I think I saw something in her eyes die.

I found myself slowly watching them both, not understanding why I didn't see this before. Or how everyone could be oblivious to the tangible pain that connected the two girls. Everyday I saw more and more of the chain that was drowning the girl to my right.

Each day the happy girl talked to this person next to her, laughing and joking in every way the girl next to me tries to do every day. All the while the girl with brown eyes observed, and each day she slowly became more reserved.

I think she used to love the curly brown haired girl.

She turned to me today about half way through the class, looking about as breakable as glass. And she said with those brown eyes filled with dread:
"I would give the world to switch body's with them, even if in the end it were only pretend. I'd give my life to laugh with her for three seconds, even if I weren't actually me. I'd **** to talk to her, even if I were the one to end up dead."

But I guess she chose to solely watch instead.