I think I'd give
the moon and the stars
to not have to watch you
from so very far


i see you talk to others
and its like
it physically
hurts
and I know
I know that's ridiculous


it's not the burning hot jealously
the one thats makes you
so mad you want to
scream
its more of an envy
because I'm not mad
I'm just really really miserable


so when I see others just
casually talking to you
making you laugh
i feel a weird longing
that just pulls me down


there's this strange thought
that just keeps on
popping into my head
saying that I could love you
better than anyone else can
because I know what its like
to lose my soul to you
and maybe im just self-absorbed
but i could almost swear that no one
will ever see what i see in you

I always sit in the back of the room, trying desperately to fade away. But as I sat in class one day, I realized it's not just my world that is so very gray.

To my right sat this girl with brown eyes, so sad, so wise. She laughed and joked, turning to me to smile. Her eyes pain ridden. All class we talked, sharing some things, others kept hidden. We were each other's life lines for sixty minutes.

That day she looked so lost, like she couldn't see the room. Her eyes were so glossed, glued to the oblivion in her mind. Her smile had shifted slightly, her laugh not quite right. All the while she gazed blindly to the front where this curly haired girl sat.  Her façade was breaking, but I think she no longer cared about that.

As I watched her watch the girl laugh and live, I think I saw something in her eyes die.

I found myself slowly watching them both, not understanding why I didn't see this before. Or how everyone could be oblivious to the tangible pain that connected the two girls. Everyday I saw more and more of the chain that was drowning the girl to my right.

Each day the happy girl talked to this person next to her, laughing and joking in every way the girl next to me tries to do every day. All the while the girl with brown eyes observed, and each day she slowly became more reserved.

I think she used to love the curly brown haired girl.

She turned to me today about half way through the class, looking about as breakable as glass. And she said with those brown eyes filled with dread:
"I would give the world to switch body's with them, even if in the end it were only pretend. I'd give my life to laugh with her for three seconds, even if I weren't actually me. I'd **** to talk to her, even if I were the one to end up dead."

But I guess she chose to solely watch instead.

I’ve been dead only an hour
And yet my body feels so cold
My soul has left this world so sour
With no one’s hand for me to hold

I’ve been dead for just one day,
Yesterday my world fell flat.
Honestly, I died a year beforehand,
But now you’ll never know that.

I think I died the day you left
And in the time that followed so
Back in March, the month of luck
I think I died a year ago

And here I stay, resting at last
Finally, I’m free to roam
My heart is stone, my eyes are glass
Truly now just skin and bone

maybe if i don't sleep









I wont have to wake









and then maybe just maybe









i'll be happy

I judge judgers as if I'm different
Didn't realize the pattern I'm creating
Judging people for judging people
I am as bad at those I'm judging

The worlds no longer bright
Our sun has been banished
The moon hidden behind the clouds
World wide power outage
All lights gone out

Music brings this chilling feeling.
I talk alone to my white ceiling.
Their invasion feels like silent stealing.
I crack and break as my walls keep peeling.
Is this sensation truly healing?

A word, or a phrase
A song, or a tune
It’s an expression of the heart
Always ending too soon
Filling my head, as my world falls apart
While my hands move across the keys
And my pic strums against the strings
My bow playing from my soul
Giving me beautifully torn wings
My musical escape
From the world in which we roam
So I lose myself in music
As it slowly takes me home

enclosed, secluded
the world disappears
my mind drifts away
sounds muffled, covered
headphones on

eyes down


safe

Some say stars are ***** of rock
Specks of dust with lack of lore
Or holes, where light peeks in from heaven
But to me they are so much more

See, when I look up at the sky
I see each little burning ember
And late at night when I’m so alone
Their silent guidance gives me a home

Little rocks, so far away
Blocked by suffocating ceilings and walls
Disappearing with the horrors of day
Please say you’ll return when night next falls

You are my friends, you are my light
I look up to you in silence
I don’t shield my eyes, no matter how bright
For you are my everything

I speak and you listen
I yell and I shout
You stay here, never tiring
With you, I’m no cast out

So thank you, my friends
For hearing my cries
For being here each night
I love you guys.

It's like a spineless monster
As it claws right up my throat
First it takes my voice away
And next I start to choke

It digs it's nails right into me
And grips me much too tight
Holding me in place
As I will myself to fight

It sits right on my chest
So I can't make a sound
And my hands start to sweat
As my heart begins to pound

It takes complete control of me
Never letting go
So If I were to need your help
It'd never let you know

One again the world resets
The moon leaves, replaced with light
Taking with it yesterday's regrets
As the day seizes us with renewed might
Golden radiance shines through colorful leaves
While the smells of earth engulf me
My lungs are filled with morning's crisp breeze
As nature persists carelessly
Clouds dance across the midday sky
Countless shapes, colors, and size
Seamlessly the day moves by
And once more the moon will rise
As is the path that nature takes
And no matter what, the cycle never breaks

useful, used
taken from until empty
not really wanted
just needed temporarily
until useless once again

I tear and rip at my lips, leaving them raw and bleeding
Looking bloodied and messy
No one wants to kiss a pair of lips that look like mine
I yank and tug at my nails, leaving them short and bleeding
Looking bloodied and messy
No one wants to hold a pair of hands that look like mine
I love and lose, a consistent cycle
My brains bounces back, my heart taking the fall, cracking a little more with each loss, leaving it broken and bleeding
Looking bloodied and messy
No one wants to love a heart that looks like mine
I pull and pick at all the seams throughout my body
I unravel myself and sew it back together again
I break and fix, a consistent cycle
But I take the toll, displayed by the scares throughout my body, leaving me broken and bleeding
Looking bloodied and messy
No one wants to love a person who looks like me

I                                                                ­                                              
don't                                                            ­                                        
       scream                                                           ­                             
                   for                                                              ­                      
                       help...                                                          ­              

but
whisper                                                         ­                                                                 ­              


my                                                            ­ 
    words
              so                      
                  soft...               ­                                                                 ­  

small                                                  


as to not lose my voice
                         on such a meaningless task 
                                                     that will go unheard anyways

there's a pressure in my chest
a chill that spills through my body
my hands are damp and shaking
I can feel this pain throughout me

had another of those days
and last night was one of those nights
got home and went straight to my room
hiding from the sunlight

but now it's dim and cold outside
I can hear the rain and wind
the lights are off, my door is closed
my eyes now red and rimmed

I did a thing I said I wouldn't
yet somehow I don't care
people say they're here for me
but tell me, why aren't they there?

still it hurts, a slow and aching pain
a kind that I don't mind
it reminds me that I am alive
it reminds me to be kind

because the people whom I love
should never have to feel
the pain of being alone and lost
the pain of feeling real

there's a pressure in my chest
as I go about my day
not thinking of the night before
as I fake my fake "okay"

please i need an out

                                         i need out please
    
                    i need out
  

                                                               ­        i need

                                                   o

                                                   u

                                                   t


i
   m

                                   S
                                      U
                       ­             f
                                   F
                                          o
                   ­               c
                                         A
                                     t
                                   I
                                       N
                                    g

Everyday is like the last
Every week a blurry mess
How I wish to make it stop
Just to hurt a little less

But how could I do that
When the reason for all this pain
Is the only thing I cannot fix
The only thing I cannot regain

When what's causing all this pain
Is a pain all by itself
The pain of losing love
That steals us from ourselves

Oh, the beauty of it
That we've all come to hate
And no matter what we do
No one can prevent fate

i don't think ill ever love someone
as much as i loved you











and i don't know if i want to

so did i ever mean anything to you?












cuz it sure doesn't feel like it

i'd **** to talk to you again
but the thought of hearing your voice
it makes me feel dead inside
not that i'd even have the choice









but oh how i wish..

hey guess what
i won











i really did love you more

I dreamt of you again last night
haven't done that in a few months
but **** does it hurt










I wonder if you ever dream of me

remember when you loved me?











i do











i'm scared it was all in my imagination












how do i know i ever knew you if all i have are pictures














it feels like a fever dream



















i wish i never woke up

i generally didn't know it was possible to feel this much pain












i guess you truly were my first of everything

i think i might just stop caring












it doesn't help anyways

Well hello
It’s nice to meet
Yes, you right there
Please take a seat

Now, I’ve heard things
And I don’t like what I hear
We have a few things to go over
So let me make myself clear

I know it’s hard
Believe me, I do
But I need you to listen
To just hear me through

So why don’t we start
With the scariest part
Because I hear those questions
That lie deep in your heart

Word is you’re done
That you’re letting go
You think no one loves you
It’s not true though

You are needed and loved
More than you can see
More than you’ll ever know
Even if you don’t agree

I see that you question
How much you are worth
But I need you to know
You’re more precious than Earth

Alright dear
Let’s skip the chit-chat
You do have a future
And I need you to know that

Be kind to yourself
Be your own lover
Live life to the fullest
There’s so much left to discover

Now I know that you’re trying
And that your fears are so loud
So, if no one’s told you today
Please know that I’m proud

I understand that you feel
Like you aren’t enough
But believe me you are
Hey, don’t you huff

Wait, don’t leave
We’re almost done
But listen close
This is an important one

I’ve seen what you think
And I know what you say
But there will be someone
Who loves you till the end of days

Now keep your head up
I’m cheering you on
And go live life for you
Go be that black swan

Know I’ll always be here
If you need a friend
But darling I’ll pray
We never have to speak again

Dried brown grasses creep around - empty breezes blow
Rest now, for your time has come - as life will persist
A silence has fallen now - the slate has reset
All must die to be reborn - as is nature’s course

I'm trying not to let
my oblivous parents know
how horrid I've been doing
as to not ruin the image
they've always seen me through
as to not break the trust
they have put into my sanity
while simultaneously trying
to get the help needed
to not leave said parents, ruined
as I lay seven feet below fresh soil

and yet they have the audacity
to pick and ****
at my failing grades
and "attitudes"
saying I'm
not doing
enough


seriously?

I

                  Am
          
                                          Mean

That's what I tell myself when something goes wrong.

It's the gum under my shoe that sticks to my brain, clogging my throat so I can't choke it o u t .

I am mean,
but what does mean actually m e a n ?

I guess I was never really taught, so now it's defined by my flaws.
And now my flaws define me.

I am my mental health.

I am my trauma.

I.                                     Am.                                Mean.


My actions morph into my mind,
These thoughts that are no longer mine.

I am the problem.

                                                            I.


                                                          Am.
    


                                                         Mean.

The warmth of summer's first kiss?
Bliss,

is the absence of winter’s cold fist.
Resist,

undermining your power,
flower.

Rejoice in spring's free breeze.
Freeze,

and enjoy this moment’s endeavor,
forever.

To sleep is to relax
To let your body stop
To sleep is to leave yourself unprotected
And let your walls all drop

To sleep is to accept the end of today
And allow it to be morning
To sleep is to stop the day
Then wake without a warning

To sleep is to let time pass by
Without any hope of keeping track
To sleep is to give up control
An ability in which I lack