You pick me up in your car
I'm already waiting outside
Shopping and lunch, you suggest
I think it's the perfect plan.

As you drive, we catch up
(I hate that we've been apart)
You tell me stories
About people I don't know
Jokes I don't understand
But try to laugh at
All the same.

Somewhere, on the way
Your car splutters
And fails to start on the hill
You're annoyed, say we'll be stuck here
I am secretly thrilled
But then worry
That you don't want to be with me
For that long.

It clearly shows on my face
As you reassure me
Put your hand on my leg
(I wish you would keep it there)
And tell me help is on its way.

Your Mum arrives
As you're calling a repairman
She calls me your girlfriend
I don't correct her
And stand close to you
When your phone call ends.

I try not to read into it
When you don't move away
(After all, we're used to being close)
But still savour the warm smile
Your Mum gives me
Before she drives away.

We window shop for hours
Slip back into our old rhythm
I reach for your hand
Instinctively
But you move yours away
Before mine has reached it
And I'm left grabbing
At the air
Trailing behind you.

We try on stupid hats
And laugh and laugh
(Is it weird that we're friends now?)
You're in a great mood
And I'm proud to be with you
As you put on a show
That passers by
Stop and smile at.
(It's awful being just your friend now)

We have lunch at a bistro
Our table is small and intimate
And our knees touch
Under the table
It makes me blush but
I love it.

You say you have something
You want to tell me
My heart leaps
And flutters.
I take a sip of milkshake
To avoid saying something
Stupid.

You look me in the eye
And tell me
That you've met someone
And she's perfect
You couldn't be happier
You have a smile
 fixed on your face.

The milkshake
Curdles with my stomach acid
My mouth is dry
I think I'm going to be sick
And excuse myself.

You don't notice
That I'm quiet for the rest
Of our lunch.
You speak enough for
The both of us
Telling me stories
That I don't want to hear.

My ears ring
Like mourning bells
And I feel dizzy.
My face is pale
Under the artificial lights
I wish I was anywhere
But here.

You drive me home
Thank me for the
Nice afternoon we had.
I go in and know
That I can never see you
Again.

As I am not your friend
And never can be
As I am not quite over you
And I'm hurting
More than I'd admit.

It’s like you are snoring
While you are awake
You emanate noise
Unaware
On and on
It grows
Until it stops without warning
Just a peaceful tease
Then “The Return”
A hit performance
Thoughts from your head in puffs of air being traded for oxygen
You breathe words
I pray to black out
Halt the sound
Bring sleep
But you can’t unplug
It’s like you are a noise machine that is unable to shut off
It’s OK
Repeat the mantra:
     I would miss this when gone
     I would long for the soundtrack of your being
     I would long for the music that is my love
     My Dreamgirl...


Dear Lord...
**** me now

Dawn
The routine
Awake to a standing pause
Before the wheel turns again
Beans break the seal
The fresh start of a new day
Slowly grinding into movement
This disturbance is accepted
Its purpose is measured
Against the quiet peace
Deep berry-breathing oils the wheel
Pale orange rays soothe the stiffness
Inhale everything
Milled dewdrops drip comfort
Share the moment with an old friend
You
No words needed
Just a nod between turns


© 2019 MJL

Flip flops I toss,
Little sand between the toes,
The sea beckons,
As I slip into the ocean.
Taste the salt water,
The sun on my shoulder,
Salty air,
On my face and hair.
Waves crash and roll,
Soothes my soul,
My spirit flies,
Life at the beach is a bliss.
6/3/2019.

I licked his sugar-coated heart,
I found the inside rotten and empty.