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Shannon Feb 2018
if you find me here
my little corner of web
where i am safe
i fear it will change you
change us
all my broken parts youll see
all at once
unnatural
im scared
if you find me here
youll find things you dont want to
secrets i hide from the world
and i like you
and i dont want to lose you
so please
if you find me here
leave me alone
Shannon Dec 2019
maybe i’m mad because i didn’t call this shot
didn’t call the break and the fall
this time
but i ache for you
i ache for you and your hands and your love
spent the night crying into my pillow and heaving heavy sighs of discontent
we both cried before you left
last hug, tight
last hug
last.
you told me you had to leave to find yourself again
we lost who we are
as much as i get that i want to scream
why can’t we do that together
side by side why
can’t you love me like fire
instead of the wind that put you out

i was ready to give it all up
the boys the dancing the times without you by my side
living with you was my home and my bliss and now i must pack
yet again
and leave
yet again
back to a place i can’t call safe
exactly why i left it
for you.
you said you’d always catch me but now i’ve fallen to the ground
never kissing in the rain
2am cursing your name

how do i live if it’s not with you
you say you love me but that can’t be true
you should have told me when you knew.
but you couldn’t face me, could you.

i love you with everything i have left
and i could write for decades about my aching heart
but what good does that do
when i’ve already lost you
Shannon Apr 2020
learn how he likes his coffee;
moka espresso black with a single sugar,
a cappuccino or a flat white if he’s out
(he knows the only espresso better than his is his nonno’s)
learn how to make it, the brand of espresso he uses, how much he puts in, the flick of his wrist when he puts the sugar in.
The first sip, the gentle smile that he shares with the world.
contento.

learn his family. his mother is overprotective and his father likes to put his foot in his mouth. it’s a trait in him you learn to love, and love the fact he passed it to his son.
learn that he has a troubled past, the love child of two divorces, he feels like the symbol of heartbreak. assure him that he is so much more than what happened before he was born.

learn his brothers. learn the heartache that comes with breakups when drugs and two little angels get involved. love those two girls with all your heart. they need a nurturing force in their life and it breaks my heart but I can’t be that anymore.
the older one wants to be taught. information and knowledge excites her, teach her about the sky and the moon. spend the time teaching her. she may annoy you temporarily but her hugs are like gold.
the younger one loves games, and stealing half of your breakfast even when she swore she wasn’t hungry. get her to trust you and shell sprint to you every time she sees you. I’d give anything to see her again.

learn Sunday lunches. you’ll never get him to miss one, but take this as a sign of devotion to his family, and for what he loves most. go with him to them, but ALWAYS say hello to nonna or so help you god. remember that pasta is an entree in this culture. his uncle will make a crude joke, his cousins will be the most lovely girls you’ll ever meet. his aunt will sometimes be racist but don’t worry, he will set her straight.

learn his culture. pasta is a given, but so is the word ’no’. he will spend a lot of time cooped up in his room, encourage him to spend more time outside. he secretly loves the sunshine, as long as he has enough deodorant on. attempt the language. language is a big passion of his. Italian is beautiful, treat it with respect

he will love walks if they’re with you. find a pretty view and he will insist you’re prettier. his frequent compliments, he means every one of them. don’t let them lose meaning. all are genuine. say thank you.

twirl around the kitchen when you make late night tea and never ever forget to drink it.

let him game for as long as he wants. he will crawl into bed with you when he’s done and he’ll appreciate the time for himself. don’t forget that he loves you.

lay on his bare chest. he loves skin to skin. aircon on, he loves being cold then curling up under covers.

spoon him from time to time. protect him. hold him tight. hands through his hair.

he loves back scratches when he hugs you. he’ll ask for it if you forget, but ******* don’t. you remembering will put him at ease

find ways for him to express his anger. he doesn’t know how to so it sits in his chest and broods. *** helps. throwing things at the wall helps.

he will have meltdowns. he puts so much on his plate at once, and he can handle it, but he needs his downtime. encourage him to stop studying, to read or game or workout, something that isn’t for anybody else but him. hug him, tell him everything will still workout if he takes half an hour to cool off.

he loves finding new music. let him play it in the car when you drive.

keep hand sanitiser in your purse. he hates sticky hands.

he loves waffles. do with that what you will.  

surprise him with tea that you find interesting. he’ll love the thought.

intricate gifts mean a lot to him, but it's not hard to remind him of your love. leave notes in his room, long, short, post it notes. write him poetry. call him with good news. call him with bad news. call him in the bath. call him to tell him you love him.

cherish him.

never let a day go by without telling him you love him.

dont let him go like I did. don’t let your selfish desires **** his soul. love him with all your heart. never take him for granted. never take his quietness for anger. never let him go to sleep feeling unloved. stay up with him when hes upset. dress up for him. surprise him with visits but call when youre close by, just incase. never let him out of your grasp. never ever hurt him. he cant dance but tell him to be free with you. sing in the car with him. compliment his singing, its ******* impressive. if he writes you a song memories the words and sing it in the car when youre sad. I still do.

love him with everything you have.

he deserves the world.

give it to him.
Shannon Mar 2020
nothing burns hotter than the realisation
that you were the problem all along
that those feelings of resentment and hatred
they stemmed from your core, from your habits
abuse had and abuse held, abuse shared
where it didn’t belong

my dear sweet boy,
as time goes on I see more and more the flaws in my actions
the things I said and did
where they came from, and where they went.
my dear sweet boy you and I both know I live in active abuse
where I walk on eggshells all day and seldom talk
yet when I am with you I yell and scream

you should not wear my trauma on your sleeve

it is not yours to hold yet I ****** it into your hands
“here”
“take it”
not many options and the fear that grasped you never let you say no
this isn’t okay
I deserve better
I live in resentment of the world that created the injustice in which I lie
but that resentment boiled into hatred for the blessed life that you were gifted
a mothers love was all I ever wanted.
a mothers love was all you ever got

we fought like fire and rain
I always put you out
the fire inside me burns bright
and I doubt it will ever cease

but that fire isn’t yours to bear
the burns that cover your body are forever
and I see the damage I have done.
I dance to the sound of your minds thoughts racing
thinking
how do I say I’m hurt
without hurting her.
how do I express disscontempt
when I know her mind will flick to the worst
how do I be me
without hurting her

and my dear sweet boy
insight is a miracle
but so is distance.
and I hope she makes you happy
I hope her smile lights up your heart

I listen to the playlist I made you
gave to you the day you went away
and I miss you all over again
my stormboy
the heavens still cry for you
forever
Shannon Jun 2018
** bisogno di te,
** bisogno che tu mi baci sotto un milione di stelle

dimmi che ne hai bisogno anche tu.
Shannon May 2018
you tell me to call you any time
but even that has its limits
i cant stop you from living your life
when i dont want to live mine
i m s o r r y
Shannon Mar 2018
I am elated just to see you again.
Shannon Feb 2018
wish i had said
                                  run away with me
instead of
                                  goodnight
Shannon Aug 2018
Kiss me under thousands of suns
Kiss me on rooftops music loud
Kiss me in the light of the morning
And in the moonlight under a rain cloud
Shannon Aug 2018
When I first met you I lived by
What do you have to lose.
6 months later who knew that the clumsy punch spilling boy with sparkling eyes would have captured my eyes and now; my heart.
6 months down the track and you’re the first person I wanna tell all my good stories too.
And the bad.
6 months of knowing you, and I know your favourite colours and how you take your coffee and the reasons why you rub your thumb when you’re nervous.
6 months of talking to you and I know how you smell when you come out of the shower, I know when you just need a hug and I know when I don’t say I love you back it hurts you just a little bit.
6 months of you and I know your poetry gives you a piece of sanity.
6 months and I know how you look with stage makeup and I know the face you make when you’re losing yourself in the moment.
6 months and you accept my past and all that comes with it, 6 months and you’ve seen me cry and held me through it, 6 months and your dedication has been unfaltering.
My boy;
You are what I have looked for my whole life.
You are what people spent their whole lives looking for,
And seldom find.
You are everything I could have wished for.
You’re my lover
My tiger
My favourite  
My everything,
You are everything to me.
What do I have to lose
has led me to you
and now you here you are
and you are absolutely
everything
to me.
Shannon Dec 2017
there was a week
where everything crumbled around me
and the deaths of two i loved
changed me

there was a week
where you could find me in only two places
wrapped up in my duvet
or in a white sterile room

there was a week
where i didn't think i could cope
tears multipled, as did cuts
but i'm still here.
Shannon Feb 2018
wrist
itch
it's driving me wild
but I don't want to go back to being that person
so no silver today
and no red stitching tomorrow
I will be strong and bold
and happy.
u s
Shannon May 2018
u s
it
was
all
a
pretty
lie
to me
Shannon Jul 2018
/hold me close and kiss me numb
under an empty star-filled sky.
breathe me in and exhale the ghosts of your past
let them go
I know we both have our demons but
baby tonight
tonight lets lay them to rest and dance
in a bed that isn't ours and let's make
tonight baby
no, let's make the rest of our lives baby
let's make love tonight./

He stands at the foot of the bed tall and strong
Looking intensely at my naked body as if he is figuring out a maths problem
but instead of numbers he subtracts clothes and divides my legs and adds a little bit of his soul, a slow pour of himself into me.
for I don't know how long, a minute? ten? an hour?
we become one body
one body rattled with pain and sweat and lust and ecstasy and desire and pleasure and him and me
us

he holds my hand, eager and tender when I need it.
And when we are done he smiles at me, tells me he loves me and
we both walk down the stairs naked to shower
not only our bodies but our hearts too
for you help complete mine

*** is just *** but this is so much more in every way.
you once said to me that
you'd had *** but you hadn't made love
i hope i changed your mind.
Shannon Dec 2019
only to fall apart worse
Shannon Jul 2019
Run through expensive hotels
Just to come home, play Mario Kart in our underwear
A high-stake love, we burn like fire and cry like monsoons
Holiday flashes become traditions,
Movements of our hands and our arms keep the peace
The making of our love sneaky and frequent.

Ask you to run away with me into the moonlight
To never be seen again
Messy wild and barely free
Eighteen with too many cares and too many scars to hold alone
So let's hold them together
You can't heal my wounds
But you help relieve the pain

Four hands and two hearts ache for one another
Let's build a fort under your desk
Stay there till the morning light.
Movies I can't help to sleep through
Making out through every *** scene
l'll spoon you, kiss your bare back
Hold you tighter than

Drive until there's no more road,
Hands on knees light in the rearview mirror
driving in lingerie just for the ******* risk

Showers shared soothe the soul so hold me close and dear
Wash my hair and I'll wash yours.
The spot in my back that only you can reach.
Feel your heart beat through your chest
Your wet hair slicked back
Piercing blue eyes that melt me like wax and a flame
you are my flame.

We're messy and wild and inconsistent and angry and loving and full of so much.
Keep me safe and ill keep you wild
Until you return, my dear.
Shannon Mar 2018
Can’t you see that I’m a broken body?
Shannon Nov 2020
and you make me want to write poetry again
not the good kind
I find myself back here every once in a while to find
we’re still gone
you and I aren’t who we used to be and yeah
its great being friends but it hurts to see you happier
with the better version of me
because we like the same music and have the same wants
but she has you now and I’m lost and forgot
what it was like to hold your hand
its been a year my dear
and I'm happier too
with the boy I left you in the dust for
I will never forgive my course of actions
though approved of and signed by you
I should’ve seen the signs of your unhappiness
and discontent
when you sat on the rock instead of dancing with her
though she wanted you
we ****** that night under the stars but
I don’t think you wanted to mean it
and I dont think you ever forgot but how could you
how could I
see past the love I had to chase a dream of mine that ultimately
crushed us too
selfish wants and selfish ways you say
you forgive me
but that can’t be true when I watched you cry in anger
and 3 months later
we screamed in each others faces while I packed up my stuff
and moved back out to the place id finally escaped from
into your arms because you were better than the death I had planning
because it was you or the ocean and you knew that
and I sit back here and im still in this place
and she hasn’t changed and I lost you
and I lost your family that once was our family
and I lost my nieces and I lost my sanity
once again but you aren’t to blame
no
I am the one who tore our love to shreds
I am the one who needed more
I am the one who burnt the bridges that saved me
back on my deserted island of
‘home’
but you know home is *******

I love him.

but you
you taught me how to love
you taught me it was okay to be vulnerable
you taught me that for once
love didn’t have to be violent
that it could be soft like summer rain
the thunderstorms we’d cuddle up in
rearranging our room to be a little cubby just for us
love could be
okay
it could be okay

and you said you had me and I trusted that because you did
and then I ****** it up
and you sit at parties of our mutual friends telling me that’s not what happened and it was, M, it was what happened
I threw out the loving family I finally had and christmases that were joy and not manipulation
I threw out what I treasured most and ****
you’ve changed
you’re not the same person I fell in love with so why
is it so ******* hard
to actually let you go
why is it so hard to watch you turn your back
to walk into her arms
call her perfect
beautiful

I wish I could say I dont know where I went wrong

do the things I wanted with you with her and
that hurts too
long hair and **** watching ****** movies and you planning dates
and she gets that

cool

you say I taught you things like that
but did I
or was it when you finally found someone that would make your heart spin thats when she deserved that
you have a job now so you pay
and I always did but she loves you better so thats just that isn’t it

we both know im not the one running though
and my inner demons begin to show
and I cant state my point without yelling
and you cant yell back
and I thought I needed that

its been a year.

how

how have I not gotten over you yet
how am I so content yet so
destroyed by the thought of you

I listen to our song
the one we recorded for each other before you left
without knowing we both had
and I sit here with tears in my eyes because its been a year and hey there Delilah still makes me cry thinking about your voice crack
when you cried
for me

maybe in another year ill be fine
and I dont know why im not
this site feels like our place
I miss you

I miss you like summer rain
and I miss being your winter girl
but I miss who you were
not who you are now
but im glad were still friends.
Shannon Oct 2020
I still look at you like you put stars in the sky
I swore to myself that this would be easy
But I sit here in another’s bed asking why
I feel queasy and ****** and not at all breezy
x
Shannon Nov 2020
x
you give her everything
you told me you couldn't give me

small things like
an insta post or bears and movies

maybe M isn’t e over c2
maybe I just wasn’t enough

maybe she’s worth more than
I could ever have hoped
to be.



- I was once your winter girl
you
Shannon May 2018
you
My soul
sighs
with
peace
tranquility
and
safety
whenever i
see
you
Shannon Mar 2019
How must i shout my love for you
when im kept hostage by my thoughts
It seems impossible
even to see your glowing love
i feel it on me like the suns rays
M.
I
am in love with you
irretrievably.
and i hope its you.
I hope its you.
Shannon Jun 2018
She says

everything

is currency

and I couldn’t agree less.
ys
Shannon May 2018
ys
im sorry
that i hurt you
yet again
i am
lost in
trying
to be a
better person

— The End —